To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

And it has started snowing again here.

Make sure, when you Skype the party, that you are sitting angled such that there is a view of massive snow outside the window. Even if you have to put the laptop on a chair on the table so it gets a good view out of the window.

Omg I would have been DONE when she told you that you aren’t the first woman to get pregnant! How dare she! Next time she gets norovirus, or breaks her leg, kindly remind her that plenty of other people have done so her before her.
I am only 26 weeks and I’m already finding pregnancy TOUGH. There is no way I’d be getting summoned to a baby shower when I’m not feeling up to it. Fuck that.

I like the compromise of sending your DH and skyping the party. Good idea.

I don't understand why it's so important you're there anyway - the baby has two parents, and he's the connection to the family. Why not celebrate a baby shower with the Dad instead of the Mum? Make it the start of him having to fulfill his family's baby-expectations instead of letting it become the wifework that it normally does.

I wouldn't have gone either.

It was a summons, not an invitation, and she has no right to tell you how you must spend your time. Especially now that travelling is so painful and exhausting for you.

Your DH has let you down massively. He has picked his mother's demands and 'feelings' (which are only about herself) over your own health, wellbeing, physical pain and feelings.

That is shocking. I would tell him that he has let you down and that you have serious doubts about the long term prospects for your marriage. He has failed to stand up for you. He has tried to bully you into doing his mother's bidding repeatedly. And he has gone to a party she had no business springing on either of you at this stage of your pregnancy because it is too far from your home to get to comfortably. And he was upset because you didn't want to sit in physical agony for hours on the road, while being stressed out and fearful of snow and ice on top of that. Fun times.

Tell him if he's not going to pick you over his mother, his family over his mother, then he should move back into her house. You thought you married a man, a partner in life ... not a man afraid to stand up for his out of line, nasty controlling mother.

So glad that you didn't go. I'm sorry but your husband is spineless and needs to back you up in the future.

Since I had both my DCs early (36+6 and 38weeks) it's entirely possible you could go into labour at any time and if it happens today your DH could miss his child's birth. If that did happen it may make him realise you and the baby's needs come first.

I am so pleased that you have stood your ground and stayed at home your hubby sounds as though he needs to grow a backbone concerning his mother or you are going to have problems in the near future when little one arrives.
I would start as I mean to go on now and insist on no visits when baby is first born until you have had time to rest after the birth otherwise she is going to be camped on your doorstep and taking over,do not let her stay when the time is right for her to visit make them go home.
My DILs first bay is due in April and she and DS have said no visitors for the first week or so and everyone understands and will comply with their wishes,
Relax for the day and take advantage of a duvet day and spoil yourself.

I think it's one of those instances when it would really be better to suck it up and go, however much you totally dread it, but after that, the message must be VERY clear from your OH to your MIL that however much he knows she meant well, it was the wrong decision to organise such an event without consulting him. He needs to say and mean it that if she does do something of her own back again that involves his family, he will not ask you to force yourself to attend if you don't want to.

I do feel for you as you sound like you've already been very amenable to your clearly very controlling MIL. It will only get worse when the baby is there if your OH doesn't pass the message on.

Glad you stuck to your guns. Otherwise this would a pattern throughout your marriage. Your MiL needs to learn now that she can't organise your lives for you.

Your DH is a disappointment. although I suspect he's thinking this is the path that causes least upset.

Get her off your FB.
Then you can't see her shit, and she can't see anything you post.

I did like the idea of getting a friend to post something about the situation and you liking it though!

I'm glad you stood your ground - she had no right to try and force you into a situation that would have been extremely uncomfortable for you, just so she could save face and show off to her friends.

Your DH though - now there's a worry. He's obviously heavily into appeasing her, way over worrying about you. This is likely to be a problem going forward, once the baby is here - so I strongly recommend you have a plan of defence because you're going to need it. This includes insisting that your MIL does not get to dictate ANYTHING about anything to do with the baby. She's going to try to take over and you mustn't give an inch.

I hope you're using the time alone to indulge yourself totally!

Cannot believe that your "D"H is such a manchild - he'd rather put you through pain and sickness than say no to mummy. The pain responses will not be good for your baby or you. Is he even ready to be a dad and put his own family first.

I understand the pain and poorly managed spd. I ended up in a wheelchair with SPD and still suffer problems 20 years later

Your DH should be ashamed of himself. I'd show him this thread so that he realises how out of order he has been.

I'd also be "napping" when they wanted to skype after MILs passive aggressive posts.

Get a cuppa and put your feet up x

Bloody good for you for not going. She knows your boundaries now, she'll know how far she can push you once the baby is here.
But I'd be very angry with DH. He's tried to undermine you, minimised your discomfort, put his DM first and disregarded your feelings.
She's organised this without thought for you, yet you've turned out (in their eyes) as the unreasonable one.
I'd block her in Facebook. Skype the party and explain why you couldn't make it to the party you hadn't known was bro g arranged. Tell the guests you hope to see them in the summer when you visit with the baby, and tell your husband (on the Skype) that you hope he doesn't get snowed in at his mum's, you'd really like him home while you are this late in the pregnancy.

I think it's one of those instances when it would really be better to suck it up and go,

Er, why? Endure several hours of extreme pain and discomfort for what?

but after that, the message must be VERY clear from your OH to your MIL that however much he knows she meant well, it was the wrong decision to organise such an event without consulting him.

How on earth is that going to be clear, when it worked so well for her this time? By going along to this, the OP would have given her mil a clear green light to carry on doing wtf she likes for evermore. THIS was the time for her dh to put the OP first - there (hopefully) won't be many more times worse than this with her health and well-being, and he couldn't even stand up for her now?
He is a major part of the problem.

If you don't take a firm stance now, she will continue to push you in the future. This will get a LOT worse when your baby arrives unless you stand up to her. Set a precedent now, that when you say no, you mean no.

If you give in to her demands now, she will soon be demanding to visit you on a regular basis, staying for days at a time, demanding that she has 'alone' time with her grandchild, imparting her wisdom on what you should be doing re sleep training, feeding, etc....I've seen it so many times on here and your MIL definitely falls into 'that' category of grandparent.

Totally agree with others, this party is about her, not you. She is the type who enjoys the spotlight, everyone applauding her for what a lovely selfless thing she has done for you.

I would send an email stating the following:

Dear In laws

I am emailing you as you have now hung up on me twice, so I think this may be a more effective form of communication.

Please do not think that I don't appreciate your gesture, but as I have clearly explained, I am in the latter stages of pregnancy and I cannot force myself to attend this party, nor should I have to, given that I am in severe pain and you live several hours away.

I would hope that you could extend some understanding of my situation. I appreciate you are disappointed, but I must put my health first.

Good luck OP - they really do sound like utter idiots.

She's a nightmare and your DH needs to man up and stand up for you.

Yes I would fliupping block her on FB and tell her if she asks why

How you have not managed to reply....I cant believe how fucking selfish some 'family' are that they would rather see someone in pain to save face'

Bloody newspapers!!!!

OP this is really identifiable and isn't going to help your situation at all! If you want this thread pulled quick please say and we can start reporting with you to get it quick on HQs radar.

Gazelda. Bloody good for you for not going. She knows your boundaries now, she'll know how far she can push you once the baby is here.

Sadly she also knows she has divided them as a couple and knows that her son doesn't have his wife's back :(

Bloody hell, her Facebook posts confirm what we all thought about her. Utterly pathetic.

Strongly suggest unfriending. And have some scissors ready for dh when he gets back so he can cut those apron strings!

Sorry I've just read your update OP.

Good on you for not going.

When your husband gets back you need to have a very serious conversation with him. He thinks it's about the snow, ok that may be a factor, but the real issue is his mothers awful attitude to all of this and that he has enabled her.

I would spend the day doing a little bit of research on abusive and controlling parents, FOG and narcissistic traits. Oh and unfollow her on FB too.

She's a right piece of work. Your husband can't see it yet because he's been conditioned his whole life.

Why on earth did this situation have to get so out of hand?

If I were you op, I’d have thanked her profusely but explained that it’s not safe/right for you to make the journey, however that you’d love to reschedule once the baby is here and they can all have the party AND meet the baby...

Your dh shouldn’t have gone, it undermines your reasons for not going

I’m really glad you didn’t go.

I hope your dickhead H gets stuck in traffic for HOURS getting home.

HOWEVER, this isn’t ‘problem solved’ it’s problem(s) highlighted.

Your H doesn’t have your back, at all.

Your MIL is a bitch

Your FIL is a bastard

...your H is a spineless mummy’s boy who’ll inflict and allow them to inflict shitty behaviour on you if it’s what they want.

This is going to be FAR worse when the baby is here.

You need to tell him that this type of situation is NOT happening again and if he thinks more about his parents wishes over your needs & wishes then he can fuck off and live with them. And mean it.

I wouldn’t Skype today and if DH complains tell him to look at his mothers Facebook. Get To Fuck.

Anyone else hoping that Dh has a nightmare journey and is stuck on a snowy motorway for hours on end ?