To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

[GiantStuffedDragons]

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

You need to stop moderating your language.

You say: I dont think I can go. Dh hears: theres a possibility of her going and making my mum happy. Dw can be persuaded.

If you say: I cannot go. dh hears this decision has been made and dw is unable to go due to pain and sickness rather than not wanting to go.

She can only INVITE you she cannot summon you.
For future reference you have toxic in laws. You & DH need to tread carefully as a united front.

(Those saying you should try to go have never encountered or understood someone who is wholly selfish. They also haven't looked out the window /seen the news!).

If you give in, you've set your boundaries .

By going, they all get the idea that you'll finally give in to their demands at some point as long as they keep pressuring you.

So they'll continue that behaviour and it'll just be a viscous circle.

The problem with your MIL is an issue which your DH has to deal with. He needs to put a united front with you and you both need to let her know where she stands in your relationship.

The whole issue with the will is a big factor in this. If it bothers or has an impact on you being written out of it then you'll forever be under her financial control and this will crop up and affect your relationship.

I could have written what you wrote.

MIL didn't accept me.
When she got used to the idea she had financial control. His actions were always based on the financial control she had so that wasn't good for our situation.

The financial control meant she could get away with things like 'if we killed all of the [insert particular race] we would solve the worlds problems' and teaching my daughter to call her mummy.

I stayed quiet and then encouraged him to leave her financial hold. Once he left it, he grew into a man, admitted he felt free and began to see her for what she was.

We have now been written out of everything. But financially far far more successful (she prevented him from growing financially and laughed at his dreams, I believed in him, probably because I'm gullible but it worked out!!) . Funnily enough we've just written a will and written them into it.

Your DH needs to deal with his mum. Not you.

I would refuse to answer calls and texts and let DH answer them and give them united answers, so as opposed to 'she's not feeling well and doesn't want to go'

'Mum she's not well and I'M concerned so I don't want her to travel neither does she, WE both really appreciate your efforts however on this occasion I do not think it's the best idea'

The use of 'i' from him means she ant just blame you for everything.

Good luck OP

OP, please have a serious conversation with your DH when he gets back about how you'll handle his mother in future. I can't see this situation getting any better unless you put on a united front.

The 'particular race' was my race. So Essentially she wanted to have my kind killed

She is racist

Just read your update. Your MIL is a bitch.
YOU HAVE A MAJOR DH PROBLEM. Sorry.

Well done. Glad you didn’t go. Rest up and take care

You could post this link on your own facebook page and say how much agony you are in and getting no support of your partner who has left you to suffer alone

www.tommys.org/pregnancy/complications/symphysis-pubis-dysfunction-spd

I know that you can't do this as it's hugely passive aggressive but could you share the link in a 'to raise awareness' kind of way?

sorry but they're all being twerps. have yourself a lovely bath, relax and enjoy the time on your own. watch crap telly and eat crap food. lounge in your pj's and DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!

I can't believe your DH has gone and will be 2 hours away from you in bad weather if you go into labour.

I really hope some of the guests take your side and give him a wake up call - does the family tend to dance to MIL's tune, or are there any sensible members?

I'm glad you stood your ground, but agree that you gave mixed signals by saying "I don't think I can go". You should have said "I'm too ill to go".

You're what, 37/38 weeks? Even if you'd sailed through pregnancy, you shouldn't be travelling very far from home, as you can go into labour at any time from now on.
Your DH should not have gone either, because if you go into labour today, it's going to be many hours before he will get back. I take it he'll be staying overnight too?

You need to find your anger OP. When he gets back, you need to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that his behaviour has been despicable. You need to make sure he realises that if he continues to pander to his mother, your marriage will suffer and may well end.
He should be putting you and his child first, but he's shown that you're lower down the list of his priorities than his mother. That's not what a husband should do.

I'm angry at them for putting you through this. Awful people.

I'm glad you didn't go. His response was shit though.

I'd be tempted to be a bit dishevelled and visibly in pain on the Skype call; if you're too perky then they will mutter even more....

Just keep repeating that you cannot attend. Your relationship has to be based on her respecting your right to say no. She’s very dominant.

Your DH going is fine. Him being manipulative and shitty isn't.

He tried to push you to going despite knowing you were stressed and in pain.
He tried to emotionally blackmail you by getting you to ring MIL and argue.
He was then pressing you still to go, was petulant and sulky when you refused.
So in a nutshell he gives zero care for your pain and baby's welfare and wants his own way.

That is a massive red flag Giant, i couldn't trust someone who behaved like that to back me up and support me in labor, let alone after the baby was born.

I dont normally say LTB but his behaviour is beyond poor. I suggest you really think about what he is always like and how disappointing and spiteful he has been with the manipulating.

Both the in laws are cocks for insisting you go but you aren't really assertive enough. You needed to be telling them how sick you were after the last trip. End of. All the stuff about snow etc sounds like excuses.
I think you should of suggested DH go instead of you. It's his baby too, so no reason he can't pick up any gifts to pass on.

I'd not be cutting them out just yet though. I think it sounds like you might support once the baby arrives.

I too think that the snow has muddied the waters of what they're determined to believe about your reasons for not wanting to go.

You had a cast-iron and valid reason just by being nearly full-term. Then add the SPD and associated pain and nausea. Then the fact that you went only last week and it was a very unpleasant journey even then. The snow today wouldn't ordinarily preclude travel, but in your situation you don't want to be sitting in a car for a second longer than vitally necessary. Snow, even light snow, is notorious for causing horrendous jams, as we all saw on the news the other week.

I'm impressed you stuck to your guns about not going, as you were only ever going to be a secondary prop to the "I'm going to be a grandmother" show your mil wanted to stage. But if it comes up again, stay off the snow reason (unless it takes your dh 5 hours to get there and you're proved right on that one) and stick to the "I'M IN PAIN ffs!" one.

I said that either way I don't want to go I don't want to be in pain for hours and I don't want to be in a traffic accident. He said fine but I had to call MIL and tell her.

Can't believe that he said this, and even more so that you did phone her again. . This isn't about the snow/ potential snow. This is about the pain you are in and how you are not able to travel at this time. Which you've already told your MiL, and you've already told her you aren't going. This is just feeding the drama.

fizzy my PGM was the same, regularly making statements like that about DMs race. Allowed because of the financial control. My PGM did me a massive favour though, her need for control was so much that eventually next to nothing was passed down as it all went on her homing costs. Made me realise my DPs attempts at financially controlling me meant little, no one knows what is going to happen with them in the future so no need to hang up on a possibility of some cash heading my way given my DPs health I'd be shocked if it didn't all end up in homing too. DM has also started making similar comments about the race of my DCs cousin. DPs weren't impressed I called them out on it and any threats to cut me off financially were not effective. It only works as a weapon as long as its allowed to be used as such.

I would probably defriend her after posting on my own facebook 'can't believe it is snowing again! Thankfully i am tucked up in bed which is a relief after so much pain and sickness, anyone else suffer terribly with SPD and PGP?'

Anyond who sees that will know what a shit they all are.

Well your DH has just plummeted in my estimation. I can't believe he was trying to make you go right up to the last minute. I would turn my phone off now and leave it like that till he gets home. Let him worry about you this time.

Your DH is being a dick. He absolutely should have backed you up and I'm appalled that he tried to get you to go knowing how painful it would be for you.

Well done for not going. You need to have a serious chat with DH however about this issue going forward. He should not be keeping his mother happy over you.

I wonder if it would be unreasonable for the OP to say, whilst she is Skypeing them all - Oh, did you see the news article about the MIL insisting on holding a baby shower for her pregnant DIL who can't travel long distances because she is in such pain and 38 weeks pregnant - how amazing, it's not just us ? And send the link to The Sun article. Or would that be too obvious?

Hopefully your dh gets stuck in the snow!

And I'd be highly tempted to reply to her Facebook whining with 'I know, it's terrible when family don't support you. I can't believe you'd expect me to spend hours in pain just so you could show off' then block her.