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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hang out with friend's OW?

187 replies

SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:02

Husband and I are very close friends with another couple. The men know each other from school, we met through them and subsequently became very close friends. He was our best man, she was our maid of honour, that sort of thing.

Last summer, they told us that they were separating for a while as he was having doubts about their marriage. They said they were going to attend counselling and try to make it work again in the new year.

A few weeks ago, we went out for my husband's birthday, and the husband, Rick, came down for it (they live 300 miles away, he still lives with Sally) to our home town. When we arrived in the pub, Rick announced that he'd brought a date, Tara, whom he's been seeing when he comes back to our home town. He informs DH and I that Sally doesn't know about her yet.

Well, fucking hell, Sally is 300 miles away assuming you will be getting back together at some point!

I was upset on the night out, as I felt I'd been blindsided a bit by this, and I hated the thought of hanging out, playing nice to the OW whilst my good friend has absolutely no idea this is happening. Husband just shrugged it off, his decision to make and all that.

Tomorrow, my BIL is having an early evening birthday party, and then we are all going into town to celebrate Paddy's day. Rick is coming down for this. He and DH will also be watching the rugby at our place in the afternoon tomorrow. He has messaged this evening to ask if he can bring Tara, the OW, with him to our place to watch the rugby. DH is fine with this, and I won't say she can't come over, as it's his house too, his old friend, and it should be perfectly fine to have his friend's girlfriend over.

However, I intend to be out at the time, as I still can't stand the thought of sitting, the four of us, in my living room, playing couples hanging out like everything is completely fine. I feel like that wouldn't be good behaviour towards my friend. I'm also considering bailing on the evening out.

AIBU to react like this, and avoid spending time with the OW?

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 17/03/2018 08:57

I would:

  1. tell Sally
  2. not entertain OW in my house
  3. explain to DH & Rick that you will not be socialising with Tara as couples.

If I was in your shoes, DH's blasé attitude towards this would really concern me.

MynameisMaximus · 17/03/2018 08:59

It seems your DH only considers Rick a 'close friend' when it comes down to it.

ilovegin112 · 17/03/2018 09:08

If Sally’s a great friend why wasn’t she invited to the dh birthday party? Surely the day after she would of emailed or phoned and asked who was there, I don’t think sally thinks your her best friend anymore you seem to be just email friends

ilovegin112 · 17/03/2018 09:09

The time to tell her would’ve been the night of dh party when you stormed out

KeepServingTheDrinks · 17/03/2018 09:13

I think it's Rick's responsibility to tell Sally, not yours. In your shoes, I'd be contacting Rick and telling him very plainly that you don't expect to see him in your social circle (300 miles away from his) with anyone else until Sally knows.

That puts the ball back into his court, which is where it should be.

He's lucky(???) there were no social media pics from 3 weeks ago for his wife to see, but it's a matter of time, surely. And that would be the vilest way for Sally to find out about this.

iBiscuit · 17/03/2018 09:42

I'm just disappointed that the friend doesn't have an owl. That would have been an amazing thread Sad

MsGameandWatching · 17/03/2018 10:11

Oh FGS the friendship will not be over, I hate how so many are attacking and judging the OP over this. Making a man's behaviour her responsibility. It's a really complicated situation and worthy of thinking over. Telling Sally is most likely going to create issues in her own marriage as well and I think it's pretty understandable that OP was feeling paralysed about the whole thing. Personally I would have hoped that it was a glitch and Amber wasn't going to reappear. She has so now OP knows she has to do something and came here for advice. I certainly wouldn't drop a hitherto good friend over this as long as she told me now.

Cuppaoftea · 17/03/2018 10:30

Type an email to Sally and send it this morning.

HughGrantsHair · 17/03/2018 10:42

As has been said previously, I'd be really concerned about your DH's blase attitude to all of this.

It's your house too. Why should you go out? Tell your DH to take his friend and this other woman out somewhere else because you don't want to pretend all is ok with them.

IdaDown · 17/03/2018 10:50

I wouldn’t want my house to be used as a safe/comfy place for Rick and Tara to hang out and play couple.

Rick is a CF thinking he can use your place to doss with his new GF, regardless of whether his STBXW knows or not.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 17/03/2018 11:02

I wouldn't hang out, i would tell my husband how disloyal he's being as well. And I would tell Sally. I wouldn't want to be a part of it in any way. If i was Sally and i found out u had all spent timw together with her replacing 'me' I would be devastated and so would treat her how i would like to be treated with loyalty...

Onlyoldontheoutside · 17/03/2018 11:40

I would send Sally an email simply saying Sotty.Then Iwould be sending Rick an email saying that you gave him the benefit of the doubt when you last saw him as you understood that he and Sally were over.You know know that he is recieving Sally and expects others to collude.Until he sorts things out he is not welcome in your home nor will you meet him socially.
Then pp it to Sally.

TidyDancer · 17/03/2018 11:45

Yeah I'm afraid I couldn't just turn a blind eye. If you weren't close to Sally and Tara wasn't being shoved in your face then I'd stay out of it but you're being put in the position of having to virtually endorse this new relationship.

You will kill off your friendship with Sally if you don't tell her and she finds out you've known. And more importantly she is being treated horrifically by her husband and deserves to be in the know.

TheLastNigel · 17/03/2018 11:46

YANBU. And you are being put in a horrible position. Were I Sally I would be devastated by both my h's behaviour and yours (well not yours, your husbands in condoning it, as you aren't happy but that's how she will see it).

If Rick is serious about ow enough to have her hang out with he and his wife mutual friends then he needs to tell his wife, not force this position on you. And I would tell him that.

BastardGoDarkly · 17/03/2018 11:51

Have you put to him what sn0tnose said?

There's no way me and my friend would keep a lid on this shit, I'm glad you're going to tell her op.

Poor woman.

seventh · 17/03/2018 12:00

Being 'laid back' is often used as a positive plaudit. Sometimes it just means you're a shallow yellow bellied twat.

I'd tell Rick that I'm telling Sally. End of.

butterfly56 · 17/03/2018 12:17

Just beware that Rick is likely to use the fact that you have both met her to justify his behaviour with Tara.
He seems like a manipulative and vindictive sob tbh!

AlmostDoneWithThis · 17/03/2018 12:26

Last summer, they told us that they were separating for a while as he was having doubts about their marriage. They said they were going to attend counselling and try to make it work again in the new year.

Just re-read this from the OP. That sounds to me as if Rick might have been shagging seeing Tara for quite some time, hence his "doubts." If that's the case, then to agree to attend counselling and try to make it work Hmm was bullshit on his part.

I'd be cutting him out, to be honest, if you hear from Sally that the marriage is now properly over. I certainly wouldn't be air-brushing her out of the picture and sliding Tara in in her place for couple-y weekends. This is one of the sad fall-outs of marriage break-ups. No one is immune to it and the group dynamics change.
An if your husband tries to blame you for it, by saying you're being rude to Tara, tell him he can't tell you who to like and be friends with, and it MIGHT have worked out differently if he and Rick had played things slowly and not tried to deceive and manipulate things too quickly.

Ginger1982 · 17/03/2018 12:32

You need to tell Sally ASAP OP before Rick tells her and says 'by the way, OP has known about this for weeks.'

You then need to have a serious conversation with your husband. This attitude is completely unacceptable.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/03/2018 14:16

I'd be worried about your own marriage OP. Your DH doesn't have much loyalty or respect.

eloisesparkle · 17/03/2018 16:31

What did you decide OP

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 17/03/2018 17:53

very stressful situation to be put in, I would be so pissed off Rick is a disrespectful dick. If Tara is pretty stupid for thinking that close friends of Sallys would be ok with her intergrating herself into the group

LakieLady · 17/03/2018 18:09

I wouldn't have them over my threshold, and I would be telling Rick why. I'd also be telling him that if he hasn't told Sally he has an OW by noon tomorrow, I'd do it for him and that would be far worse for him.

And I'd ring her at 1.00 tomorrow and tell her, if he hadn't already done so.

DP and I have an agreement that we will only have guests if we both agree. To date, the only person I have considered using my power of veto over is the racist, sexist pig of a BiL (well, DP's Bil, strictly speaking) and I suspect that DP knows I'd put my foot down as he's never suggested we invite them.

iheartmichellemallon · 17/03/2018 18:16

What a horrible position to be put in Op - Rick sounds truly vile. There's no way I'd let either of them in my house - tell them to watch it in a pub.

I'd also worry about your DHs moral code - doesn't sound like he's any kind of loyalty at all & obviously sees cheating as no big deal.

singme · 17/03/2018 18:21

This sounds like a horrible position to be in. I think Sally needs to know, but my personal experiences do influence my answer!