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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hang out with friend's OW?

187 replies

SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:02

Husband and I are very close friends with another couple. The men know each other from school, we met through them and subsequently became very close friends. He was our best man, she was our maid of honour, that sort of thing.

Last summer, they told us that they were separating for a while as he was having doubts about their marriage. They said they were going to attend counselling and try to make it work again in the new year.

A few weeks ago, we went out for my husband's birthday, and the husband, Rick, came down for it (they live 300 miles away, he still lives with Sally) to our home town. When we arrived in the pub, Rick announced that he'd brought a date, Tara, whom he's been seeing when he comes back to our home town. He informs DH and I that Sally doesn't know about her yet.

Well, fucking hell, Sally is 300 miles away assuming you will be getting back together at some point!

I was upset on the night out, as I felt I'd been blindsided a bit by this, and I hated the thought of hanging out, playing nice to the OW whilst my good friend has absolutely no idea this is happening. Husband just shrugged it off, his decision to make and all that.

Tomorrow, my BIL is having an early evening birthday party, and then we are all going into town to celebrate Paddy's day. Rick is coming down for this. He and DH will also be watching the rugby at our place in the afternoon tomorrow. He has messaged this evening to ask if he can bring Tara, the OW, with him to our place to watch the rugby. DH is fine with this, and I won't say she can't come over, as it's his house too, his old friend, and it should be perfectly fine to have his friend's girlfriend over.

However, I intend to be out at the time, as I still can't stand the thought of sitting, the four of us, in my living room, playing couples hanging out like everything is completely fine. I feel like that wouldn't be good behaviour towards my friend. I'm also considering bailing on the evening out.

AIBU to react like this, and avoid spending time with the OW?

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 16/03/2018 21:21

If you'd been in contact with me daily, for twenty days, after havinganight out with my dh and his ow and not telling me, I'd be right fucked off with you.

sofato5miles · 16/03/2018 21:25

But Sally and Rick are separated and are not shagging anymore. Confirmed by Sally. They just share same roof and may get back together.

I get you not wanting Tara in ypur home as it is not clear cut and Sally is your friend. It would feel terribly deceptive and disloyal.

However, when it is clear cut ( as it most certainly will be when she hears about Tara) what then?

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 21:26

That's fair, and Sally may be angry with me and hate me, or she may not. I will have to wait and see about that. I didn't have a night out with the OW, though, I expressed my disapproval of it, and stormed off home. Her presence was sprung on me on my husband's birthday evening out.

OP posts:
Inertia · 16/03/2018 21:30

Of course it isn't perfectly fine for your husband to say yes, OW can come over! It's his house , agreed, but it's also yours!

If I were Sally and found out that you had so little respect for me as your supposed closest friend that you wouldn't even tell your husband to stop taking the piss like this, I wouldn't want anything more to do with you. They can go out as a threesome if that's what they want , but I absolutely would not have her in my house.

AlmostDoneWithThis · 16/03/2018 21:31

This is turning into "cancel the cheque," as Sacha has said several times that she intends to tell Sally.

What is not so clear-cut, is what happens tomorrow about hosting Rick and the OW.

shesalady · 16/03/2018 21:35

Bloody hell. I hope it goes ok telling her.

I have an extremely laid back husband too. Sometimes it's great and sometimes I'm just not ShockShockShockShockShockHmmHmmAngryEnvySadGinGinGin

Helmetbymidnight · 16/03/2018 21:35

20 days later AND they've been in touch every single day?!?!

Fuck that. Op, you'd better have a really good story- i would expect far better than this from a 'close friend'/maid of fucking honour.

PutUpWithRain · 16/03/2018 21:36

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong in this, so not really sure why she's getting a bit of flak. She didn't choose to be in the company of the OW, Prick gave off the air that Sally would be told about Tart, and OP is resolute that Tart is not welcome in her house. OP is also going to tell Sally what's going on. What more could she do? Confused

OP, I think you do have to perhaps explain to your DH why this puts you in such an awkward position. Effectively, he's asking you to risk your entire, sincere friendship with Sally in order to accommodate Prick's wishes for his current ladyfriend, who isn't a part of your life. It may be that he simply hasn't seen how it will look to Sally. But YWDNBU to say 'no they're not welcome here' or to leave the house instead.

Tistheseason17 · 16/03/2018 21:36

I would not have Tara in the house and I would not double date with them. Sally was your MOH FFS!

And why your DH does not understand this is beyond me...

UniversalAunt · 16/03/2018 21:45

So how long have Rick & Tara being hanging out together?
Before the marital glitch or after?
Does Tara believe that R & S separated ?

Without Sally knowing about OW, it is unacceptable for R or DH to expect you to welcome or entertain OW at family events or to welcome in yr home. I’d expect the same moral clarity & loyalty (to both me & Sally) from my DH. Surely DH would expect the same if Sally were bring her OM round to yours whilst R was home unaware, would your DH just suck it up? Thought not.

This embargo leaves OH to go watch rugby with R & T as he wishes.

UniversalAunt · 16/03/2018 22:02

I didn't have a night out with the OW, though, I expressed my disapproval of it, and stormed off home. Her presence was sprung on me on my husband's birthday evening out.

Have I got this right - R, T & OH fully aware that you are seriously angry enough to leave your own DH’s birthday bash & within a few weeks ask you to welcome T into your home ?

Sally is still R’s wife (living under same roof, in couples therapy & reasonably expecting reconciliation) & T is his ‘girlfriend’ of a few weeks. Yeah, there’s an equivalence there.

Irrespective of who tells Sally, it’s the bare faced cheek of expecting you to fall in line with R’s view of what is acceptable behaviour.

It’s your house as much as his, so given the weighting of being loyal to your friends, behaving like adults & honouring commitments made when getting married, to the welcoming of your adulterous lying conniving friend & his OW into your home to watch rugby, when a pub will do, is a non-starter.

UniversalAunt · 16/03/2018 22:04

It’s your house as much as DH’s.

Sos.

Teddy1970 · 16/03/2018 22:08

You don't want to be pally with Tara and your DH think it's being rude to HER? Is he for real?

MiniEggMeister · 16/03/2018 23:01

Was Tara the reason he had doubts in the first place?Hmm

If Sally thinks they are working to get back together you must tell her

Does Tara know about Sally and Rick still trying to work things out or is Rick peddling her a line too?

Sn0tnose · 16/03/2018 23:27

he thinks I'm overreacting and being rude to Tara. I wonder if he'd think the same if you took some fella up to Rick and Sally's house? By his logic, Rick should be taking your hypothetical man to watch the football and then to the local for drinks. All while keeping quiet about your affair and not saying anything to your DH.

Sn0tnose · 16/03/2018 23:28

And would he be all sweetness and light if Sally bought a man to your home? Of course he bloody wouldn't!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/03/2018 00:08

Explain it to your DH in simple terms. Sally is your friend, Tara isnt.

Sally thinks she's working on her marriage with her husband, while her husband is flaunting his new piece and expecting her to take Sally's place in the group.

Jazzy11 · 17/03/2018 00:43

I'd deffo tell sally ! Poor woman, I'd 100% say to my dh that I'm not comfortable with it at all having the ow in our house, sally was your mais of honour that would be pure betrayal. If I were you I'd speak to rick and say something like 'look rick, we love having you as our friends and we will be here for you through hard times in the marriage, but sally is my good friend and i would not be being a good friend to her if I didn't let her know that you were seeing someone and bringing her to our home. Please can you tell her that you are with someone else because it should come from you'

Jazzy11 · 17/03/2018 00:50

I would put my foot down about having her in the house aswell, if they want to watch rugby then go to the pub ! It's your home it's unfair, no way would my partner expect me to be comfortable with that! Your being a good friend by not associating with Tara, if sally asks why you didn't tell her sooner then say 'I thought it should come from
Rick and he assured me that he was going to tell you. When I realised he wasn't going to tell you then I had to speak to you myself'

PistFump · 17/03/2018 01:00

I'm bloody gobsmacked at the gall of rick tbf, and also I'd be a little concerned by your husband's attitude toward it all. Poor sally is going to be gutted by this, I know I would be. She's going to need a good friend.

MarvelleGazelle · 17/03/2018 01:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 17/03/2018 02:28

Neither of them would be setting foot through the door iiwy

And I’d be seriously questioning whether dh was the type of person I’d want to let through the door again either

kmc1111 · 17/03/2018 02:31

I don’t see how this is a cheating issue or how the woman is an OW.

The OP’s friends have been separated for a significant amount of time now. This isn’t a little month long blip, this is a major separation in preparation for divorce. The wife ‘hopes they can get back together’, so is fully aware that her husband doesn’t consider them to be together anymore. It’s March, so focusing on getting back together in the new year obviously didn’t happen.

I think people are making a lot of assumptions here. The husband in this situation may have been perfectly clear that he thinks of this as a permanent separation, and the wife may be holding out entirely false hope. That was the situation in my first marriage. He was talking to me and other people about couples counselling and working on our marriage right up to the day the marriage was dissolved. Some people just don’t believe it’s actually over til you sell the house and sign the divorce papers. Given that can take quite some time in many cases I don’t think it’s fair to judge separated people for getting on with lives.

breathedeepy · 17/03/2018 02:37

I think telling sally is the only thing you can do now. I'd explain you'd assumed Rick was going to tell her and you were giving him time to do that and waiting before waltzing in incase it was harder than being told by him to find out secondhand but since he hasn't and you're also being put in awful awkward positions you're unhappy with you can't wait anymore to tell her this as you feel like you're betraying her the longer you keep it from her

Sn0tnose · 17/03/2018 02:50

This isn’t a little month long blip, this is a major separation in preparation for divorce Which would be absolutely fine if Rick had actually mentioned this to Sally.

The wife ‘hopes they can get back together’, so is fully aware that her husband doesn’t consider them to be together anymore. It’s March, so focusing on getting back together in the new year obviously didn’t happen. Alternatively, Sally could be thinking that they are still working on getting their marriage back on track, only two months after they planned to focus on doing so, and that they're still planning on attending counselling etc. They still live together. He hasn't moved out or begun divorce proceedings and he hasn't told the OP or her DH that the marriage is over. She's not like your ex; living in denial while the other party is taking steps to legally dissolve the marriage. The poor woman is utterly clueless that she's working to try and save her marriage while he's out gallivanting with some other woman. Does it count as being separated if only one person is aware that that's what is going on?