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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hang out with friend's OW?

187 replies

SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:02

Husband and I are very close friends with another couple. The men know each other from school, we met through them and subsequently became very close friends. He was our best man, she was our maid of honour, that sort of thing.

Last summer, they told us that they were separating for a while as he was having doubts about their marriage. They said they were going to attend counselling and try to make it work again in the new year.

A few weeks ago, we went out for my husband's birthday, and the husband, Rick, came down for it (they live 300 miles away, he still lives with Sally) to our home town. When we arrived in the pub, Rick announced that he'd brought a date, Tara, whom he's been seeing when he comes back to our home town. He informs DH and I that Sally doesn't know about her yet.

Well, fucking hell, Sally is 300 miles away assuming you will be getting back together at some point!

I was upset on the night out, as I felt I'd been blindsided a bit by this, and I hated the thought of hanging out, playing nice to the OW whilst my good friend has absolutely no idea this is happening. Husband just shrugged it off, his decision to make and all that.

Tomorrow, my BIL is having an early evening birthday party, and then we are all going into town to celebrate Paddy's day. Rick is coming down for this. He and DH will also be watching the rugby at our place in the afternoon tomorrow. He has messaged this evening to ask if he can bring Tara, the OW, with him to our place to watch the rugby. DH is fine with this, and I won't say she can't come over, as it's his house too, his old friend, and it should be perfectly fine to have his friend's girlfriend over.

However, I intend to be out at the time, as I still can't stand the thought of sitting, the four of us, in my living room, playing couples hanging out like everything is completely fine. I feel like that wouldn't be good behaviour towards my friend. I'm also considering bailing on the evening out.

AIBU to react like this, and avoid spending time with the OW?

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/03/2018 20:31

No way would either of them be setting foot in my house!
If he hasn't told his wife he's seeing another woman, she probably has false hope they can fix things. She may even still be sleeping with him, which i'm sure she wouldn't be doing if she knew he was sleeping with someone else too. If i were her, i'd class what he is doing as cheating on me, and every single time he touched me once he started seeing her, would be an individual betrayal. There's no way i would be able to forgive you in her shoes if you didn't tell me, or were hanging out with this new woman.

I'd be pissed at your husband too if i were you. He's basically condoning him treating a woman (Sally) like shit, where are his morals? Would he think it ok for a woman in his life to be treated that way? Say his mother, sister (if he has one) cousin, future daughter, or him treat you that way if you hit a bad patch? If Tara knows the situation she's god damn awful too, willingly being wit h man who has a wife who doesn't know about her.
The very fact he's inviting his new girlfriend shows a complete lack of respect to all of you, not just his wife, he's putting you all in a position of taking sides, as thats certainly how it will look to Sally, and right now, your husband has picked his side. Given Sally is the wronged party, thats going to hurt her so badly.

Ssssurvey · 16/03/2018 20:32

Did Rick ever want the couple's counseling? Maybe doing this is his underhand way of her getting to hear that he is no longer interested. Tell her asap, I wouldn't even worry about warning Rick, surely he is expecting it to come out

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus · 16/03/2018 20:34

How is being cruel to his mate's wife being laid back? It isn't is it, at all, it's nasty and so unkind. I would lose respect for dh if he even floated this idea and I would not go along with it for a second. What happens when you are the sally in this situation?

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:34

Tara does know the whole situation (to clarify).

OP posts:
ArchchancellorsHat · 16/03/2018 20:35

I think I'd lose a lot of respect for your DH as well. It's one thing to be surprised when you're already out but a whole other thing to actively welcome her into the house and act like she's a real partner now. Does Tara know about Sally do you think, or are they both being lied to?

I'd tell your friend, and I'd probably have a few words for your husband as well.

hmcAsWas · 16/03/2018 20:36

I sympathise that you are in this invidious position OP but yes you do have to tell Sally.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2018 20:37

I wouldn’t be caring about looking rude to Prick and Tart. No way would I be ok with them spending any time with me or in my home.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 16/03/2018 20:37

Sure DH is taking care of his mate’s secrets just like his mate will take care of his when the mid-life crisis hits.

You can tell a lot about a person by the regular company that they choose to keep.

Yep

MycatsaPirate · 16/03/2018 20:38

I would wait until Rick is at yours with Tara and then message/ring sally to let her know. That way she can change the locks and burn all his belongings while he's away.

What a cunt.

Dipitydoda · 16/03/2018 20:39

I’m not one for telling the wife if you find the DH is cheating. But in this situation I absolutely would - I suspect by being so blatant about it he want you to his dirty work for him though

eggsandwich · 16/03/2018 20:39

If your Dh is that laid back “horizontal “ why would he even think you were being rude to the OW, seriously though you need to have a voice in this and tell him NO she can’t come, I’m telling you your going to be be the bad guy in this if you don’t voice you’re opinions.

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 20:40

This is just horrible OP.. bloody horrible ... I'd tell Sally too Flowers

MyBoysAndI · 16/03/2018 20:41

My XH left 9 months ago for OW. What has hurt me far far more than him ever going as been the reaction of his family members and one friend.

His family have welcomed her whilst simultaneously forgetting me who has been in their lives for the past 21 years.

However the behaviour of one friend has hurt me deeply. Our husbands have been life long friends and we met through them. Got on great as we are also in similar work. After only 4 months they are now going out for meals with them.

Currently l still don't know if l can continue the friendship as l feel so betrayed.

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:43

These are my thoughts exactly, Dipity. That he was almost hoping I would be shocked and just tell her for him.

And yes, I'm also not someone who usually gets embroiled in other people's stuff, but I hate the idea of being forced to hang out with Tart (thank you, previous poster who coined this!)

OP posts:
MrsDesireeCarthorse · 16/03/2018 20:43

Oh my god. No fucking way. I would tell my husband that they could all fuck off before I treated a friend of mine like that. I wouldn't actually let Tara in the house, and have refused to do this before.

Willow2017 · 16/03/2018 20:44

I would be saying no freaking way was he using my house to screw over my friend in.
Wtf is wrong with your dh to think that's ok? Its not 'laid back' its cowardly and disrespectful to you and the friendship both of you have with sally.
Has he no respect for 'sally'? Or is he just too chicken to stand up to his mate and say "you aint shitting in my nest mate, grow a pair and tell your wife then leave her to get on with her life. She deserves better anyway."

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 16/03/2018 20:46

Oh no, no, no. You need to distance this woman from your friendship group because at the minute it's almost like she's just sliding right in where Sally once was.

You have a choice about who comes into your home. If your DH won't back you, perhaps he needs a kick up the arse like his shitty mate does. And you must stand your ground here, your friendship with Sally is worth so much more than this ridiculous, juvenile, cliche'd situation.

LeighaJ · 16/03/2018 20:47

I'd tell Sally too and wouldn't want to hangout with Tara. So crass of your friend to put people in thst situation to begin with.

SweetMoon · 16/03/2018 20:48

Baffled how your dh thinks this is ok.

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:48

I'm so sorry to hear that, MyBoys. Rest assured that is not how I will be treating Sally. The way I see it, I was surprised once on a night out by Tara's presence. That is also the last time I will be spending time in her company.

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 16/03/2018 20:48

Hold the phone.... You talk to this woman daily but haven't told her that her husband brought his girlfriend on a night out three weeks ago Shock you can kiss goodbye to that friendship!

And your husband isn't laid back he is a prick. Drop the husband in it, he deserves everything he gets.

I have a tenner that says he is sleeping with them both

AnUtterIdiot · 16/03/2018 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:50

Sally isn't sleeping with him anymore. We have talked about this before.

OP posts:
AlmostDoneWithThis · 16/03/2018 20:51

Rick is a bastard.
And so, I'm afraid, is your husband.

This is so far beyond what is morally acceptable, that I would seriously be questioning my own marriage, if I were you.

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:51

We as in Sally and I, not on this thread.

OP posts: