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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hang out with friend's OW?

187 replies

SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:02

Husband and I are very close friends with another couple. The men know each other from school, we met through them and subsequently became very close friends. He was our best man, she was our maid of honour, that sort of thing.

Last summer, they told us that they were separating for a while as he was having doubts about their marriage. They said they were going to attend counselling and try to make it work again in the new year.

A few weeks ago, we went out for my husband's birthday, and the husband, Rick, came down for it (they live 300 miles away, he still lives with Sally) to our home town. When we arrived in the pub, Rick announced that he'd brought a date, Tara, whom he's been seeing when he comes back to our home town. He informs DH and I that Sally doesn't know about her yet.

Well, fucking hell, Sally is 300 miles away assuming you will be getting back together at some point!

I was upset on the night out, as I felt I'd been blindsided a bit by this, and I hated the thought of hanging out, playing nice to the OW whilst my good friend has absolutely no idea this is happening. Husband just shrugged it off, his decision to make and all that.

Tomorrow, my BIL is having an early evening birthday party, and then we are all going into town to celebrate Paddy's day. Rick is coming down for this. He and DH will also be watching the rugby at our place in the afternoon tomorrow. He has messaged this evening to ask if he can bring Tara, the OW, with him to our place to watch the rugby. DH is fine with this, and I won't say she can't come over, as it's his house too, his old friend, and it should be perfectly fine to have his friend's girlfriend over.

However, I intend to be out at the time, as I still can't stand the thought of sitting, the four of us, in my living room, playing couples hanging out like everything is completely fine. I feel like that wouldn't be good behaviour towards my friend. I'm also considering bailing on the evening out.

AIBU to react like this, and avoid spending time with the OW?

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/03/2018 20:53

I would be very, very worried about DH normalising Rick's appallingly shitty behaviour if I was in your shoes, OP.
As others have said it's absolutely nothing to do with being "laid back". You can be laid back and still have moral standards.

CandleWithHair · 16/03/2018 20:54

Once you’ve (finally!!!!!!!!) done the right thing by your friend OP, I suggest you take a long hard look at why your husband thinks it’s ok to go along with these lies.

Ever heard of the phrase quid pro quo?

Samewitches · 16/03/2018 20:54

So you're in constant contact with Sally and haven't told her about this? Ouch. Tell her. Imagine the roles reversed and your DH was doing this to you- what would you want Sally to do? Have OW in her home and go out whilst keeping the secret? Or for her to treat you like a friend and tell you?

AnyFucker · 16/03/2018 20:55

Are you actually going to do the right thing, op ?

ilovegin112 · 16/03/2018 20:56

I also wonder if sally doesn’t already know, if they are supposedly trying to patch things up why isn’t she coming for a nice weekend break seeing that she lives 300 miles from her friends

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 20:57

I have already said I'm going to tell Sally.

OP posts:
AlmostDoneWithThis · 16/03/2018 20:58

You do realise that your friendship with Sally is totally fucked forever the nanosecond she finds out about this?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 16/03/2018 20:59

If I was Sally I'd be so hurt that you had kept this from me considering the daily contact, you need to tell her asap...
The behaviour of both you & your husband is quite questionable, perhaps Sally would be better off with neither of you in her life.

AnyFucker · 16/03/2018 20:59

Time to get busy

You are about 3 weeks too late already.....

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 21:01

I will be telling Sally either tonight or tomorrow morning.

I have indeed known for 20 days, and Sally and I have sent each other online messages in that time, mostly funny Reddit links, memes and GIFs, along with some casual chatting. We've not seen Rick since that night out, as he went home to her. I assumed he would tell her, this evening I have learned he has not. I will now be telling her shortly.

OP posts:
Graphista · 16/03/2018 21:05

I think you need to be prepared for 2 things

1 you're likely to lose Sally as a friend. It's either a case of "shoot the messenger" or "you knew and you didn't tell me!" I had a friend in your position when my ex cheated, I never felt like I could trust her again either

2 your husband has a VERY lax attitude to infidelity. That would seriously concern me.

Like fuck would either Rick or Tara be in MY home in that scenario!

"Why should you have to vacate your own home because he has put you in this position?" Exactly!

The most betrayal and disrespect is being shown to Sally of course but all 3 of them are showing that to you too op.

Gemini69 · 16/03/2018 21:06

bless Sally... this is going to be hard to hear... particularly as you've been out with the OW.. be kind OP Flowers

timeisnotaline · 16/03/2018 21:07

I can’t believe the it’s his house too posters. Its the ops house too!! I’d tell Sally, and I’d tell dh that as an adult he can go out with them if he wants but not in our house , and he can even take his girlfriend and double date with them, but that will be the end of our marriage as that’s kind of how it works!! And yy to those who say he’s not laid back. He’s not at all laid back about you telling your old friend she is being cheated on so awfully, and his morals would be a problem for me. Honestly we would probably have to go to counselling if my dh had the attitude yours does.

timeisnotaline · 16/03/2018 21:07

I don’t think the op necessarily had to lose Sally, but I don’t think Sally will ever want to see her dh again.

Original poster
SachaStark · 16/03/2018 21:10

To clarify, as I think I didn't write this part very well! DH agrees with me about telling Sally, he suggested doing this himself. What he doesn't understand is why I don't want to be spending time with Tara.

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 16/03/2018 21:11

What he doesn't understand is why I don't want to be spending time with Tara.

And that tells you a lot about your husband that perhaps you didn't realise.

His morals are... well.

Sashkin · 16/03/2018 21:12

I would be blowing up at DH as well. So he thinks it’s ok to fuck other women behind his wife’s back, and that his mates should cover for him does he? HmmHmm

And I wouldn’t be having some little tart who knowingly fucks married men in my house either. Especially not when the married man they are fucking is married to my oblivious friend. If Tara turns up, I’d say that to her face. If your DH thinks you’re “being rude to her” by avoiding her, I’d show him what “being rude” actually looks like!

AlmostDoneWithThis · 16/03/2018 21:13

What you refer to affectionately as being "laid-back," I would call a worrying lack of integrity, loyalty and respect - both to Sally, a long-term friend, and to you as his wife.

If he persists with this outrageous idea of hosting Rick and Tara in your house tomorrow, well, that would be a deal-breaker to me. And in fact, even if he went out to meet them as a couple elsewhere, that would also present as a major issue.

If he can be so "laid-back" about what his friend is doing, and condone it, hell, even encourage it, then just think what he might do to you one day.

AlmostDoneWithThis · 16/03/2018 21:14

What he doesn't understand is why I don't want to be spending time with Tara.

WTF??? Is he thick or something?

kooshbin · 16/03/2018 21:15

I'd be minded to take a photo of Rick and Tara together, just in case the weasel tries to, well, weasel out of it.

rothbury · 16/03/2018 21:16

YANBU

I am utterly amazed you would entertain the idea of having this horrible man and his OW in your home.What is wrong with your DH?

I agree with PP. What you describe as "laid back" is most peoples idea of "utterly lacking in moral fibre".

Tell Sally and tell Dh that Rick and OW are not to set foot in your home. If he wants to stay friends with this arsehol he can do it elsewhere.

appleschnapps · 16/03/2018 21:17

I would tell Sally.

iMatter · 16/03/2018 21:17

You have to choose between Rick and Sally.

If you don't tell Sally then you are choosing Rick.

She is your mate - not him.

Sashkin · 16/03/2018 21:18

What he doesn't understand is why I don't want to be spending time with Tara

What part of “because she’s having an affair with my friend’s husband” doesn’t he get?

SD1978 · 16/03/2018 21:18

So you’re uncomfortable having someone under your roof that’s doing something you disagree with, but because it’s his house too, you do t get a say? Bollocks to that. If you didn’t know the wife, different, but you say you’re friends? Have you spoken to her, called her or are in contact with her during this? Or do you just see each other once in a while? If this is someone you genuinely have a friendship with, I would be telling her. And I’d be unimpressed that my husband was comfortable with OW being around and his mate being a two faced selfish cheat. Would also make me question him TBH. Obviously doesn’t see cheating and destroying a family as an issue. I’d be uncomfortable being with someone with such a low opinion of loyalty.