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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Say something in behalf of my pregnant sister?

121 replies

Numberonecook · 16/03/2018 15:18

Sorry this is long I’m trying to give as much info so I’m not drip feeding.

My parents are comfortable, own their own home and spend money on lots of nice things for themselves including holidays etc. which is fair enough they work hard.

My sister lives with them, she pays board money to live there (quite a lot actually). She is training at the moment so this money includes food and bills as she doesn’t have much left over. What she does have she’s trying to save to move out as she is pregnant.

I’ve not lived at home since I was a teenager and I now live with my own children including one who is a teenager himself. I moved out young as I couldnt stand how tight and controlling my parents can be.

I feel bad for my sister as my parents will not buy her food she needs to stay healthy for the baby. They just buy frozen ready meals and dispite her asking, no vegetables, drinks or meat (her iron levels are low). She’s spending extra on food but really can’t afford it and is getting down about it all. She’s even borrowing money off her boyfriend to buy lunches.

Should I say something to my mum and Dad? I feel like I should as she’s a lot younger than me (22 and I’m in my late 30s). This is my nephew or niece and I feel they should give more of a shit as it’s their grandchild.

She’s tried talking to them but they just tell her to move out then.

Aibu to get involved?

OP posts:
Charolais · 16/03/2018 16:49

You don’t need to eat meat when you are pregnant. I had two healthy babies as a vegetarian. Take Fe tablets if you're deficient.

Weebo · 16/03/2018 16:49

www.entitledto.co.uk will help her figure out what help she could get once the baby is here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2018 16:53

Your poor sister. They are awful. You otoh sound lovely.

Troels may be right. Even if she puts the fridge in her own room and puts a lock on the door, if they’re that controlling and nasty, they may turn off the electricity to it on the fuse box while she’s out. Result: spoilt food.

TheRebel · 16/03/2018 16:53

I believe some councils give help with a deposit for renting so she should ask, especially as she’s pregnant there may be more help available.

I cannot and will not ever understand parents taking money from their children, even when they’re adults, unless they really really need to, or the child can easily spare it. I know some people will disagree and say everyone should learn to pay their way, but I’d want to see my child enjoy their money while they’re young and carefree.

I have one friend who’s parents insisted she save a large percentage of her wage, and they were quite controlling about how much and checking her bank statements but that was with her best interests at heart, your parents sound awful.

Original poster
Numberonecook · 16/03/2018 16:56

Yes we’ve worked out what she’ll be entitled to and offered to help as much as we can. I don’t think she needs to go as far as getting SS involved and no I don’t think they’ve told boyfriends dad what’s going on.

I’m also fully aware of what she needs during pregnancy as I’m a nutritionist and she may not need meat but she needs more than mini frozen pizzas lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Numberonecook · 16/03/2018 16:58

Haha to putting the electric up with the fridge. They’ve already put it up due to the water bill going up as they said she doesn’t need a shower every day Confused

OP posts:
sidewayswithatescotrolley · 16/03/2018 17:01

She is being financially abused I'd call that vulnerable AND pregnant

is she though? She's paying her parents rent and board, and doesn't have to do so, She's not (as far as we know) got any special needs or disabilities. I wouldn't call it financial abuse. I'd call it not very nice parents and an adult that needs to grow up and take responsibility for themselves and their coming child.

Pemba · 16/03/2018 17:22

What exactly has she done wrong that makes her need to 'grow up' in your opinion sideways ?

It is very hard for your sister OP, and I'm sure you will help her in any way you can. I guess that will be another grandchildren your parents don't see, they sound horrible.

Agree that the father of the baby needs to step up a bit more, I know it is going to be very hard on an apprentice's wage. Would his family be more supportive do you think?

Pemba · 16/03/2018 17:22

grandchild not grandchildren (assuming no twins!)

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 16/03/2018 17:38

What exactly has she done wrong that makes her need to 'grow up' in your opinion sideways

Are you seriously asking that? No, I don't beleive you.

StaplesCorner · 16/03/2018 17:44

I'm seriously asking it as well. She's being abused by her own parents - at the very least they are treating her like a cashpoint. How on earth is she to blame?

StaplesCorner · 16/03/2018 17:48

Yes, she's in a crappy situation but its the one she chose and can sort it out for herself - how the fuck did she choose that situation? Did she choose to have spiteful greedy parents? Sideways why are you so bitter about a young person trying to find their way in the world?

Graphista · 16/03/2018 17:51

That's a lot more than most parents would expect for board and doesn't allow her to save to move out. Simultaneously trapping her and making her feel unwelcome in my opinion.

If she were an oap or as I said an abused spouse/partner I don't think you'd question her vulnerability.

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 16/03/2018 17:56

- how the fuck did she choose that situation? Did she choose to have spiteful greedy parents? Sideways why are you so bitter about a young person trying to find their way in the world?

Oh ffs, I'm not bitter. It's not about me. She's not 15, she's not a child. She's 22, an adult with a boyfriend and a baby on the way. She's choosing to live with her parents to save money.

There is a tendency with some people here to make everything into "abuse". Bad financial situation> financial abuse. Crappy relationship> domestic abuse. It's as ridiculous as it is offensive.

I have sympathy for this woman, she has shitty parents. That sucks. Which is why she shouldn't be living with them at her age and with a baby coming!

Pemba · 16/03/2018 18:00

She's not saving money if they're taking about £800 a month though, and then begrudge her healthy food and a daily shower. By taking so much from her, they are making it impossible for her save to get out into a place of her own. What would you suggest then?

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 16/03/2018 18:02

I suggest she doesn't hand over the 800 quid and use it to move out with her boyfriend. two months would get her a flat
I know, crazy plan but it just might work! If they kick her out for not paying she'd be better off than she is now.

What do you think the rest of us did?

lostherenow · 16/03/2018 18:02

Im not sure they would get anyone to private rent to them without a HUGE deposit given that they are on a low income and presumably he is in the first year of an apprenticeship (otherwise at his age he would be on NMW). Are they both on premenant contracts given the its quite common for apprentices/trainees to be taken on on temporary ones?

If so can you afford to be their guarantor or can another family member?

Graphista · 16/03/2018 18:03

I don't think it's a case of "always crying abuse" from the op's own posts both op and her brother moved out young because the parents are THAT bad, this is the youngest sister who may well be even more oppressed by the parents. Being 22 is no protection plenty of posters on here being abused, feeling trapped, scared to move out of their homes as a result - in their 20's, 30's, 40's and much older.

Have you no understanding of toxic family dynamics? Conditioning? Cycle of abuse? How abusers control?

Graphista · 16/03/2018 18:07

What do you think the rest of us did?

I left my (abusive - and yes in the way you'd mean, physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually) home at 18 BUT I was very lucky as then almost 30 years ago you had only to pay a week upfront for house shares. It worries me greatly that there are probably young people in similar situations that can't afford to move out and if they're over 16 there's little support for them.

soulrider · 16/03/2018 18:14

She doesn't need to go into private rented, she can get a room in someones house.

If she's really paying 800 pounds a month, then this would be cheaper, wouldn't require a large deposit or a long lease to be signed. She could then save up for something more appropriate for when the baby arrives.

I've rented rooms via spareroom for 100 pounds a week and 100 pounds deposit, with a week's notice required. It is doable.

sidewayswithatescotrolley · 16/03/2018 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pemba · 16/03/2018 18:25

Well that was unpleasant. Reported.

sideways you are really not helping at all, and have become strangely aggressive.

MrsOprah · 16/03/2018 18:26

OP - do you think she could stay with you or your brother a few months, but before baby arrives. She'd have enough for deposit. Then when baby arrives, have the extra child benefit and tax credits, so she'd not be struggling.

Otherwise it'd take a year of saving, well into baby's arrival.

MrsOprah · 16/03/2018 18:30

Actually iv just looked on spareroom.com - seems a great option.
Rightly or wrongly - get her bf to sign contracts, ppl do discrimate against being pregnant. If they take cheap option, they can save for proper deposit for their own rental as opposed to houseshare. Tho there's good priced studios on there actually too

Weebo · 16/03/2018 18:37

Exactly how was Graph acting superior?

She asked you a question.

Are you always so OTT?

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