Say something in behalf of my pregnant sister?

[Numberonecook]

Sorry this is long I’m trying to give as much info so I’m not drip feeding.

My parents are comfortable, own their own home and spend money on lots of nice things for themselves including holidays etc. which is fair enough they work hard.

My sister lives with them, she pays board money to live there (quite a lot actually). She is training at the moment so this money includes food and bills as she doesn’t have much left over. What she does have she’s trying to save to move out as she is pregnant.

I’ve not lived at home since I was a teenager and I now live with my own children including one who is a teenager himself. I moved out young as I couldnt stand how tight and controlling my parents can be.

I feel bad for my sister as my parents will not buy her food she needs to stay healthy for the baby. They just buy frozen ready meals and dispite her asking, no vegetables, drinks or meat (her iron levels are low). She’s spending extra on food but really can’t afford it and is getting down about it all. She’s even borrowing money off her boyfriend to buy lunches.

Should I say something to my mum and Dad? I feel like I should as she’s a lot younger than me (22 and I’m in my late 30s). This is my nephew or niece and I feel they should give more of a shit as it’s their grandchild.

She’s tried talking to them but they just tell her to move out then.

Aibu to get involved?

This sounds absolutely dreadful - and it will be doing your sister's confidence and mental health no good at all. Definitely say something. And be prepared to support your sister to get out of there another way if it doesn't work.

How pregnant is she?

A room in a shared house would be no good if she is due in less than 6 months.

All those saying she should just move out - she has no money because the parents are taking 80% of her wage! She is well and truly being trapped by them.

YANBU to be worried about her and want to say something but it doesn't sound like it will make much difference. Parents who would treat their child like that, no matter how old, are unlikely to change.

Your efforts would be better spent sitting her down and figuring out exactly how much she and her partner are bringing in every month and what they could get for that in terms of accommodation.

Saving is all well and good but sometimes it's not practical. She needs to spend her money on the things she needs right now like food and a roof over her head.

It sounds like your parents aren’t happy about the pregnancy and are trying to punish her.

Make sure she has a lock on her bedroom door first, otherwise they'll still help themselves from the fridge in her room.

I don't think people seem to understand that "just moving out" means having the money for a deposit, first months rent, credit check fees & potentially furniture (even if it's cheap it adds up).

Most working people can afford rent once a month somewhere, the issue is the upfront fees.

I'm really sorry she is going through this. Personally I would have to say something, I wouldn't go in aggressively just explain that she needs to move out for the new baby so needs to save more. Whilst that is a financial burden for them in the short term, long term it will benefit everyone.

I'd loan or give her the money for a deposit. Why is her BF not helping her? She's 22 not 16.

Studio a good idea. Not everywhere requires a deposit but surely between them the sister and her boyfriend could figure something out? The current situation is really unhealthy physically and mentally - I wonder if your sisters midwife may be of help?

Christ how low can they stoop? Thank god she has you. Yes they are abusing her and there will be no end to this unless she gets away from them. You need to help to research a plan, if you can get your brother involved so much the better.

There are deposit schemes out there that are run by local councils who help people by cheaply loaning them the deposit. So that could solve the deposit problem, then she could just pay the rent out of her wages and her boyfriend could contribute. You can rent a studio flat that is fully furnished, sometimes with bills included for cheaper than a regular flat. She's going to have to do it eventually. It's great you want to help but at the end of the day, if your parents have been like this since you moved out years and years ago, they aren't going to change now. She either needs to live there and pay them which may drive her mad, or move out and be skint for a while which she will have to do eventually as she's an adult and can't live at home forever. There are options and there is help out there, she just needs to look for it.

I don't think people seem to understand that "just moving out" means having the money for a deposit, first months rent, credit check fees & potentially furniture (even if it's cheap it adds up

They do understand that. You know how? Because they did it themselves!

Why doesn't she pay less and use the food money she pays them to buy her own food?

On NMW at her age that would be about £800 a month! - That is financial abuse.

These things are always variable up and down the country. In an average outer London borough, 150pw for a room in a house share is not an unreasonable amount.

Whilst I agree, living with parents is supposed to be a cheap opton I have read on here many, many times that parents should charge market rates to their children - which would be £600+ for just a room, let alone food.

She is training at the moment so this money includes food and bills as she doesn’t have much left over.

Moot point - what exactly are her earnings if she is training? is she earning a 40hpw min wage or doing much less than 40hpw?? is she on apprentice money.?

Too many variables - in one projected post it is assumed she is earning a grand a month. Which I doubt TBH.

We’ve just sat and worked out how much money she has and how much money he has. He is helping her all he can he’s on apprentice wage and he pays board and needs a car for work etc. He’s a good lad and is trying his best to support her.

Ok she’s a trainee nursery nurse and he’s an apprentice. She gets NMW but he doesn’t.

We’ve figured out that after the baby is born they will probs be ok. Because of her age she will need a deposit and a few months rent upfront so talking possibly 2-3 thousand pounds. We live in a less expensive area to her so she’s thinking about moving closer to us to keep costs down. Plus she will need everything for them and the baby because my parents won’t let her take furniture etc. We have agreed we’d help as much as we can with household stuff.

My parents are cunts. Not just about money but in general. That’s why my children don’t see them. I agree now talking to them won’t make a difference. My brother also doesn’t talk to them much for the same reasons.

Thank you for all your advice. I think she will be best moving out and I’m going to see f I can get my parents to back off a bit whilst she can.

Can I ask why she would need a few months rent because of her age?

Why doesn't she pay less and use the food money she pays them to buy her own food?
Because when she buys food they take it. They are finacially abusing her taking 80% so she stands no chance of moving.
Don't get a fridge, they may up her rent for the elctric it uses, or unplug it or just take all the food.
Look up rooms to rent in her area, I bet it'd be a lot chaper for her and her BF to rent a room in a house that includes utilities and then buy food for themselves than to continue with this.

I know it's easier said than done, but why isn't she cooking her own food?

I suggested she buys her own food but she says they just eat it shock. She bought some bits last week and my dad took it to work for his lunch

That's why.

I'm honestly wondering if SS support with her classed as a vulnerable adult may help? She is being abused and she is vulnerable. Wondering if that may help her get housed socially or supported to find somewhere?

Hopefully a poster with more experience in this than me will come along.

Your parents don’t sound like they will change.

Could you and/or boyfriends parents lend them money for a deposit to rent somewhere together?

She really needs to get away from them. Yes things will be shit for a while but she’ll be in control of her own home in a way she isn’t at the moment.

Look on www.spareroom.co.uk

in what way is she a vulnerable adult? SS support for a working functioning adult who doesn't like the food being served by the parents she lives with? Come off it. Yes, she's in a crappy situation but its the one she chose and can sort it out for herself. If you think this is what SS budgets should be spent on, you're out of your mind.

I have missed a bit of the thread but have you included benefits eg child benefit and working tax credit in your calculations for howmhow they will manage I the future.

Sorry, I read wrong and see she is saving for the deposit.

Do her partner's parent's know what's going on? There's no shame in her asking for a bit of help.

She is being financially abused I'd call that vulnerable AND pregnant.

If it were a partner and not parents doing this would you not think she deserved support?