Physical contact with older family members has always made me cringe.... why??

[Zaungast]

Just musing... I love my parents, they love me, no childhood abuse etc. I just don't like physical contact with them, never have. I will give them a weak perfunctory hug to say hello and goodbye, but that's it. It used to be the same with my grandparents - I loved them to bits, but never enjoyed hugs and kisses. A few years ago my mum was critically ill in hospital, unable to move, . I am ashamed to say that even in that dreadful situation it cost me no small amount of effort to even squeeze her hand :-(

My parents and maternal grandparents were never openly affectionate with each other - perhaps that's why? It's a shame - my paternal grandfather was very different and would have loved more cuddles from me/us - my sisters seem to be afflicted with familiar cuddlephobia as well.

My sisters and I are now in our late 30s and early 40s and slowly, slowly getting a bit more normal around each other. We have graduated from a mere smirky "hello" when seeing each other (long gaps in between as living in different countries) to a sarcastic pat on the shoulder accompanied by a semi sincere smile. It's actually quite funny :-) We are currently working on our embracing skills - have mustered approx 0.2 secs so far. BTW I have never talked to my sisters about this.

With my friends, inlaws, cousins, DH and kids I am not like that at all. I'm not overly tactile, but my kids do get showered with kisses and hugs all day, and fortunately they seem to enjoy it! I feel it's easier hugging my MIL and FIL even though I obviously love my own parents a lot more.

Weird, innit??

I am the same. My mum says I would never stand being cuddled even as a baby. I just never grew up expecting a tactile relationship with my parents/siblings and we are all awkward even now; it is just not our way. I am happy to socially kiss friends, some will hug , but in the family it just feels a bit 'put on'. I think we all understand eachother though, but I suspect my mum would rather have had a cuddly daughter. My parents are also fairly undemonstrative with eachother though happily married over 60 years, which is what counts.

Not weird, just British.

Me too op! I’ve always thought it was just me!

I’m pretty tactile with friends and husband but not at all with my parents. They like yours, were never openly affectionate with one another, so maybe that is why?

My in laws as I’ll always hug to say hello, my husbands Nan does always attempt a lip kiss which I swerve though.

Yip same here. I cringe at the thought of it. Also a very close family

Not weird or unusual at at all. Some people just don't like cuddles and affection. Nothing to do with anything that has happened. And yeah it could be about being British.

My friend (who says she never got affection from her parents,) says she loves hugs and cuddles from her 2 daughters and gives her friends hugs and kisses, but cannot show affection to her husband. (Married 32 years, aged late 50's.) Not sure what to make of that TBH.

Also I have to say that although I didn't have issues with showing affection to people I care about, I dislike public displays of affection. In addition, I cannot fathom why people walk around holding hands (or sit down holding hands...) It's just awkward, restrictive, and uncomfortable IMO.

Not weird or unusual at at all. Some people just don't like cuddles and affection. Nothing to do with anything that has happened. And yeah it could be about being British.

My friend (who says she never got affection from her parents,) says she loves hugs and cuddles from her 2 daughters and gives her friends hugs and kisses, but cannot show affection to her husband. (Married 32 years, aged late 50's.) Not sure what to make of that TBH.

Also I have to say that although I don't have issues with showing affection to people I care about, I dislike public displays of affection. In addition, I cannot fathom why people walk around holding hands (or sit down holding hands...) It's just awkward, restrictive, and uncomfortable IMO.

Great - sounds like it's not just me then :-)

I guess some families are just like that. I remember a relative telling me the story about my great aunt bringing her then fiance home to meet her family for the first time. Everyone was stunned because she actually TOUCHED him (I imagine she was holding his hand etc., no full on snogs. Twas the 40s after all).

halfwitpicker - your comment made me smile. I am not British :-) Similar culture though. Thanks for the unintended compliment on my mumsnetting skills!

I have a sibling like this. She’s the only one in the family who doesn’t hug hello. She loves to hug my dcs though, it’s only siblings and older relatives she doesn’t seem to like hugging hello. She just says “hi” and marches into my house, even if we haven’t seen each other for a long while.

I don’t know why she’s like this when the rest of us aren’t. The only thing I can think is that she has always been quite insecure. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it, but it’s the one big difference in personalities between my other siblings, this sibling and me. The rest of us are quite easy going and she is more intense / highly strung. She’s also a lot more hardworking and successful too though! Possibly (definitely) more info than you needed there!

I’m extremely tactile with my husband and children but can’t bear contact outside of that. When my mum hugs me freeze as it makes me feel all itchy - then I feel bad!

Not as awful as my husbands elderly nan though who holds my hand for ages. Its all I can do to not scream!

I'm exactly the same. A very close family and we all love each other to bits but we never ever touch each other apart from a very perfunctory hug upon meeting (and that's an effort!)

I'm the same. It makes me very uncomfortable when my Mum or Dad hug me. I'm very affectionate with DH and my kids and not too bad with friends. It's not a British thing or it would be everyone surely? It must be down to how they raised me - they weren't great at being affectionate, especially my mum. I also can't tell people I love them. I have to force it with DH and the kids. Not because I don't love them but the words feel wrong to me. I know that is proper messed up. I show people I love them all the time instead. If friends say they love me I just mumble in response . Luckily they all understand how weird I am!

No big surprise here... I'm a (((Hugger)))

Sorry Hit post too soon. My parents were Huggers, grandparents too.
My Now adult kids sometimes hug and sometimes dont. No biggie.

Can't believe you're not British?! There are other awkward cultures too?!

DH is French and you can imagine my horror when meeting his family I was expected to KISS them all on both cheeks. We've been married for ten years and the perfunctory two kisses each time to say hello/goodbye still makes me cringe.

I have friends who I would still have major issues with hugging even if I've known them for years and years. It's just not natural for me.

This thread is ripping my insides out. MY DP hates physical contact and has never kissed me properly for years. Hugs are released as quickly as possible and he won't hold my hand either.
He blames his parents and said that when he was a child, he was rarely touched. I suppose that this make sense, but definitely doesn't help us and our relationship. Even more strangely, he can be very tactile with friends and relative strangers.
My parents and in particular my mother, weren't very 'huggy' people at all, but in my case it has made me enjoy affection more and I desperately miss physical contact with DP who is otherwise a really kind person. Years ago, it used to have me in secret tears when a couple kissed and hugged on television but gradually I have become more used to it. I think that this is probably more sad though, that I put up and shut up now rather than trying to talk about it. Not that is ever made any difference!
I am hoping for some sort of advice and suggestions from posters here, all info received very gratefully!

I can hardly be described as insecure TheDaily but I detest being hugged by DSis and MIL who are the only people who try to do it.

DSis because she never used to do it, it's just become one of her many neuroses, and MIL because why would I want a body embrace by an old person who dislikes me because I stand up to her. Her breath also smells of decay.

When I refuse to do it they both look offended. Tough shit ladies, I'm not some teddy bear

and MIL because why would I want a body embrace by an old person who dislikes me because I stand up to her. Her breath also smells of decay.

Jesus! I don’t blame you there @pencil (not envy).

I never used to hug my sister hello either, when we lived in the same house. But I would normally hug my siblings hello now that we live far away from one another and only meet up occasionally. This sister doesn’t though. She always says “hi” and marches into my house. She does hug my dcs though. She’s a bit odd / rude at times tbh, aside from the hugging thing, which, taken on its own, isn’t odd. She’s just got this attitude towards immediate family like age dues to have to be pleasant to us, as we’re family iyswim? She’s always been that way. I really don’t know why.

*like she doesn’t have to be pleasant

Interesting thread. My own parents were very untactile and we only ever have a brief hug on meeting and leaving every few months. My DH is the same and struggles with hand holding etc.

Even though I was brought up quite unhugged, I’m very tactile with most friends though not all. Some people just give off a vibe that you know means they don’t do hugs or kisses.

My worst one is any meeting with FIL who insists on gripping me as hard as possible which is painful and almost knocking me off his feet. He, of course craves physical contact but I cannot bear it with him.

Quite complex.

I'm from a very low contact family - but my kids often have to tell me to leave them alone as I could cuddle them all day. Ds1 is now secondary school age and isn't a hugger at all anymore. I try to give him a hug and I can tell he's uncomfortable with it.

My best friend and I are also non contact, unless we accidentally have too much wine then we are crying in each other arms out how much we miss each other.

I also hug my step grandad, but never my Nan. She's like me and would feel awkward.

So no, you are not unreasonable. We are taught that our bodies are ours, people can't go around forcing their hugs and kisses on you. Unless they are Italian, Italians have a weird veto thing going on in terms of affection

It's not remotely weird! It's very normal. Different people enjoy different levels of physical affection.

I allow my dad to kiss me on the cheek maybe once every five years and visibly cringe the entire time. the only time I willingly hugged him and my stepmum since childhood was at my mothers funeral. I barely touched her after childhood either. It's just a family joke, that I really hate being touched. I'd rather shrivel up and die than physically touch anyone in my family yet I'm perfectly affectionate and snuggly and loving with a partner.

Yet my OH, he is so physical with his family, when his sisters are over they'll all sit on the sofa snuggled up with their arms around each other. At first it seemed a bit odd as it's so far from my own comfort levels but it's actually really sweet to me now, they grew up as five siblings in a difficult childhood home and all relied on each other to survive, it's really adorable and lovely they're still so happy to curl up together and watch a film or something even in their twenties and I happily make room by going and sitting in an armchair alone haha!

Same here. I am very affectionate & tactile with my dh & dc's,lots of hugs & kisses ( maybe not as many as I would like with the eldest,but she is 18!!).Also with my very small circle of friends,I love getting hugs from my best friend,as they comfort me a lot.
But struggle with hugging & kissing my parents,it just feels a bit awkward.My Dad died last year (dementia) & I tried to push the awkwardness aside & kiss & hug as much as I could as Iknew I would regret it when he died.But still struggle with affection from my Mum,even though I love her dearly.Strange isn't it!

I hate it too. I feel incredibly awkward hugging my parents, and cringe when my mum says she loves me. I wasn’t raised with hugs and kisses, so it’s not surprise. I do however love hugging and kissing my kids and husband.

My pil always hug and kiss yo say hello/goodbye. Mil gives 1 kiss and fil give 2. I can’t stand it and wish I could say something. I don’t want my kids to feel forced, so they get to choose how they show affection.

That's really sad HelpTheTigers. Although normally I'd say that it's fine for him to have a dislike of physical affection with anyone he wishes, it does seem really odd to me he can touch strangers but not you. In your position I'd be assuming he wasn't that into me/in deep love/attracted to me anymore and be thinking of moving on because even though I'm very physically standoffish with family and 80% of my friends I'm extremely physically affectionate with somebody I'm in love with and happily spend hours draped over them, falling asleep snuggled up, holding hands, pats on their head as I walk by, random kisses and headbuts. Even last night falling asleep facing away from each other we had the soles of our feet pressed together. I'd shrivel up and wither I think if I had a partner who didn't enjoy touching hugging and kissing me :( couldn't bear it.

I don't really buy it's due to his upbringing if he's okay with being tactile with others. Unless it's a bad sign that he sees you as a relative more than a lover.

"Italians have a weird veto thing going on in terms of affection"

A weird veto thing? What on odd expression.