Physical contact with older family members has always made me cringe.... why??

[Zaungast]

Just musing... I love my parents, they love me, no childhood abuse etc. I just don't like physical contact with them, never have. I will give them a weak perfunctory hug to say hello and goodbye, but that's it. It used to be the same with my grandparents - I loved them to bits, but never enjoyed hugs and kisses. A few years ago my mum was critically ill in hospital, unable to move, . I am ashamed to say that even in that dreadful situation it cost me no small amount of effort to even squeeze her hand :-(

My parents and maternal grandparents were never openly affectionate with each other - perhaps that's why? It's a shame - my paternal grandfather was very different and would have loved more cuddles from me/us - my sisters seem to be afflicted with familiar cuddlephobia as well.

My sisters and I are now in our late 30s and early 40s and slowly, slowly getting a bit more normal around each other. We have graduated from a mere smirky "hello" when seeing each other (long gaps in between as living in different countries) to a sarcastic pat on the shoulder accompanied by a semi sincere smile. It's actually quite funny :-) We are currently working on our embracing skills - have mustered approx 0.2 secs so far. BTW I have never talked to my sisters about this.

With my friends, inlaws, cousins, DH and kids I am not like that at all. I'm not overly tactile, but my kids do get showered with kisses and hugs all day, and fortunately they seem to enjoy it! I feel it's easier hugging my MIL and FIL even though I obviously love my own parents a lot more.

Weird, innit??

I can count on one hand the amount of times my mum has hugged me as an adult - the only person she’s comfortable expressing physical affection to is my dad. Used to really upset me when I was younger but I’m used to it now!

Herewegoagain01 My parents would like to hug and kiss goodbye and hello but they respect my space enough to know I hate it so they don't go in for it. Unless it's very very rarely, like once every five or so years during a major celebration like a graduation or big birthday or something.

Which gives rise to the funny situation of my partner giving them kisses and hugs while I slink off to avoid it haha.

I HATE physical contact, over the years it became a joke between me and my oldest friends. I do cuddle DH and our DD’s but I will admit I found it hard and used to force myself to do so.

Neither of my parents are affectionate, my dad now lives abroad and we share a very awkward hug when I see him/travel home. Weirdly they are okay with my DD’s.

I do have a close relationship with both of my parents and speak to them (even via text) most days.

I hate anyone invading my personal space too and feel really claustrophobic if people get in my ‘safe’ space and then I panic.

If it is not sex I can't stand it. Worst of all is people you work with wanting to grab hold of you and hug you - I even interviewed someone once who wanted to hug me at the end of the interview, bleugh. I now take one step back and hold out my hand in a stop gesture if I can manage it quick enough, so rude of people to assume you want their body squished against yours.

@InsomniacAnonymous that really was an odd expression. Can I blame having only 2 hours sleep with a teething baby? And a very touchy feely Italian grandfather - no matter how much I protest.

I'd rather not hug or kiss anyone, and I'm from a family full of huggers.

I can't remember my parents being "huggers" but more affection was shown to our brother than to us girls he is my twin but it never made any difference he was always seen too first by both my parents and Grand-parents treated really like the golden child.I swore I would never be like that with mine.
I hug all three of mine if I meet them outdoors and when they come to visit and they do the same with their children.

Ahh Limon, I've been mulling around that for years, trying to suss it out. I would probably think so too if it wasn't for other factors and in those ways he couldn't be better or more loving (I think!).
He probably needs counselling as he has many other hang-ups, but that's definitely not going to happen.

When I have talked about it to him throughout the years, he is great about it, promises to try better (try???!!!) and returns to his own ways pretty much straight away. I don't think that I am being an ostrich though, and he does tell me daily that he loves me and I do get lots of (almost contact-less) kisses. Not that I'm remotely chuffed about any of it!
Does anyone have any strategies or suggestions please? I am not a needy or soppy type and don't pressure him (our discussions on the subject were probably annually, with the last one being at least two years ago) so please don't think that I am some demanding caahh. All help and advice will be great, thanks!

I find it really odd too. My family are very affectionate and I was always forced as a child to give X who I've never met before a kiss before they leave, or hug Y because they bought me a present. Even now my grandparents remind me to give them a kiss before I leave their house, or even worse, to hug random person who I haven't seen since I was 5. I do it to keep the peace, and because my grandparents are getting on a bit, but it does really bother me and always has done.
I'm very firm with the fact that the children never have to give anyone physical affection- not even me. It is 100% a choice and there are plenty of ways to show appreciation for something or say goodbye to someone without making yourself uncomfortable.

I'm very firm with the fact that the children never have to give anyone physical affection- not even me. It is 100% a choice

Same here. I hate it when paren S insist their dc hugs me goodbye. I usually offer a wave or handshake if they don’t feel like hugging.

I am very tactile normally but I am funny with relatives... it annoys me as I am normally so tactile I have to bloody watch myself.
When in a relationship, it has been commented that I am very much into the physical bond, I don't mean sex, I mean touching and holding.
It's like a dam has burst!
Maybe you are not alone...
fancy a hug ? aaaaaagggggh!

I think that since sensory issues are connected to the brain - obviously - it's probably more that some families are just not genetically disposed towards lots of touching. Look at people with neurological conditions like SPD - that sort of thing runs in families.

So it may be that HelpTheTigers's DH is just wired that way just like his parents, but can cope with strangers' contact because of the transitory nature of it.

Having thought about it some more I think that one of my great aunts might be a reason for the aversion, she would just smother you with hugs and kisses and as we were not a tactile family this was very odd. We would know it would happen and try to avoid it but somehow never could. A pity really as she was a very nice lady in all other respects.

It's waaay beyond me Noodles, I think that I will have to have another try at it though. His parents (father in particular) were more interested in their friends and social lives than bother with their children, who seem to have been quite neglected. I suspect that they were neglected emotionally too.
DP is very closed-in in some ways. He can sit in tears at something very touching on television and he is much more emotional than me, but not when it comes to affection directly. Aaaarrrghhh!

Thanks for the input though, I will look into it.

Italian here...i'll hug/kiss anyone
DH is Asian and his relatives are quite touchy-feely as well.
DS is very huggy with people he knows. He loves to say 'biiig hug' and get a group cuddle.

But If he doesn't want to no one would ever force it. If he's a bit shy I get him to wave or high five instead.

I'm Southern European and (air) kiss both cheeks.

I personally feel that the British hug thing is much worse! It's always awkward or excessively intimate. Not a fan.

What I find annoying is the uncertainty. If we could all have a referendum and agree on either a brisk handshake, a single cheek kiss, double air kisses or polite social hug I would be fine with any of those options.

Personally I would favour a hearty high-five.

I'm not normally big on cuddles but my dad is currently dying. I spend every evening snuggled up on his bed with him in my arms while we talk or watch tv or just snooze. It's lovely for both of us.

I can relate to this thread. I’m not a ‘hugger’ and don’t really do hugs or kisses to family. Ever since I can remember when I say bye to my grandparents I just slightly tilt my head and they kiss the top of it 😂 I’m nearly 30 so it must look very odd. But it’s what we do. I have a baby now and I kiss and cuddle him all day long it’s jusy with adult to adult contact I think. I’m also not ever so affectionate with my words either- I don’t ever call people hun,babe, etc etc.

I have found my people. I seriously feel like I am the odd one out but I hate the hugging. Agh! Totally affectionate with my own children but I am really not good with others. Just feels so so awkward and is no reflection of how I feel about people at all.

On a regular basis I don't really cuddle family and find it a bit cringey. I have childhood memories of Auntie Edith (she was nice) demanding a kiss from me at the end of visits. I can see her coming towards me with a close-up of her mouth covered with bright red lipstick - the stuff of nightmares.

If others initiate a cuddle I join in to be sociable but it's not really my thing.

Same here! I've always thought it's a British thing. I greet my nearest and dearest with a curt nod.

Hugging only arrived in the UK in the 1990s so I had to start touching people then. While it feels normal to hug more recent acquaintances as I got to know them once the hugging had arrived, it does not feel normal to grab hold of my parent/sibling/oldest school friends and it would be awkward for everyone.

The problems really occur in a mixed group of old and new friends when it feels natural to hug one but WRONG WRONG WRONG to hug the other, yet not to do so would look like a snub. I've stopped going out.

What hacks me off is slowly walking couples holding hands on narrow pavements, forcing everyone into the gutter to get past.

I am a situational hugger. Perfectly comfortable hugging when the situation calls for it - weddings, funerals, seeing a long lost friend. But those random huggers, the ones that hug you for no apparent reason, those are the ones that make me really uncomfortable. And they seem to do it in a way that implies that you would crush their soul if you object.

Hugging only arrived in the UK in the 1990s

Really? I genuinely don’t know as I was born in the 80s and can’t really remember that much pre-90s.