Physical contact with older family members has always made me cringe.... why??

[Zaungast]

Just musing... I love my parents, they love me, no childhood abuse etc. I just don't like physical contact with them, never have. I will give them a weak perfunctory hug to say hello and goodbye, but that's it. It used to be the same with my grandparents - I loved them to bits, but never enjoyed hugs and kisses. A few years ago my mum was critically ill in hospital, unable to move, . I am ashamed to say that even in that dreadful situation it cost me no small amount of effort to even squeeze her hand :-(

My parents and maternal grandparents were never openly affectionate with each other - perhaps that's why? It's a shame - my paternal grandfather was very different and would have loved more cuddles from me/us - my sisters seem to be afflicted with familiar cuddlephobia as well.

My sisters and I are now in our late 30s and early 40s and slowly, slowly getting a bit more normal around each other. We have graduated from a mere smirky "hello" when seeing each other (long gaps in between as living in different countries) to a sarcastic pat on the shoulder accompanied by a semi sincere smile. It's actually quite funny :-) We are currently working on our embracing skills - have mustered approx 0.2 secs so far. BTW I have never talked to my sisters about this.

With my friends, inlaws, cousins, DH and kids I am not like that at all. I'm not overly tactile, but my kids do get showered with kisses and hugs all day, and fortunately they seem to enjoy it! I feel it's easier hugging my MIL and FIL even though I obviously love my own parents a lot more.

Weird, innit??

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag It's true. I was born in the 1950's and never had a hug until the 1990s.

Me too, also born in the 50s, all this hugging was unknown until the 90s I think. I see young people bear hugging each other and men doing the 'men hugs' (one arm round neck, the other arm lightly punching the other on the back) and am bemused at the change in British people - in public at any rate.
Re family though, my mother never once kissed or hugged me, and I'm not overly tactile.

"Re family though, my mother never once kissed or hugged me"

Same here, nor did my father, grandparents or anyone else come to that. However I do like to hug my husband and my daughter. Apart from them, plus my mother who's 98 next month, I don't know anyone else at all.

Interesting thread, I’m weird as I’m very stiff with my body in these situations and never know what to do to the point it causes me anxiety. Do I hug then or not? At what point would it be the norm to start hugging in a friend relationship when greeting? I’ve never instigated a hug but will happily (albeit awkwardly) reciprocate but I must look very awkward as often people will do it once to me and then never again which then makes me think I’ve done something wrong and should I instigate a hug but by then I may have seen them a few more times and would it seem weird if I then started hugging them. I can take it or leave it (apart from dh and dd which is fine) and I can remember as a teenager my mum would hug me and I’d be doing awkward body language as if I didn’t want one but inside I’d be really grateful but it was like I couldn’t physically show it. It’s still the case now with her! Make of that what you will, but I do get really anxious about how to deal with these situations as I think if I could just get confident at being a hugger I’d enjoy it as a greeting and find greetings a lot less stressful but there’s a shyness in me not to do it.

I have a certain relative that always goes in for a hug and kiss and everyone in the family tries to hide behind each other when we greet her to try to avoid it as it’s always really sloppy (and we are now all adults!).

I could have written the OP!

HelpTheTigers
^This thread is ripping my insides out. MY DP hates physical contact and has never kissed me properly for years. Hugs are released as quickly as possible and he won't hold my hand either. sad
He blames his parents and said that when he was a child^
am hoping for some sort of advice and suggestions from posters here, all info received very gratefully!

I think that anyone in this situation needs to understand that the non-hugger feels very differently about physical contact to a point that is difficult for either to undertand.

Someone who likes physical contact will really enjoy a hug - particularly if they feel vulnerable or stressed - and want to have deep and long contact. A hug and affection is to them like bathing in warm sunlight is for most people.

Someone who doesn't like like physical contact will find a hug uncomfortable and want to break the contact immediately. A hug and affection to them is like being trapped a live in a buried coffin would be for most people. anxiety of wanting to get out.

You might be able to persuade a non-hugger to tolerate a short hug if it makes you feel better and they have the inclination towards you to make you happy but that's the best you will get.

Understanding each others position is the first step. Then look for physical contact elsewhere - children, pets and massage can all help.

You don't like it because you haven't specifically invited it.

After a recent bereavement, a family member from abroad suggested a group hug. Mortifying! We politely declined and suggested putting the kettle on instead.

I can't stand being touched by anyone other than my DH and DC. Even verbal affection is a no no. But when I'm with my DC, I'm ridiculously affectionate. I just can't get enough hugs!

I love to hug my husband, my Mum and my niece. Other than that I prefer not to be touched, whether it be by family, friends or strangers!

My parents both gave regular cuddles when I was a child and my sister will happily hug anyone but I'm just not keen

I also hate cheek kisses and handshakes, I just feel awkward tbh and would rather give a high five if I have to do anything at all

I was born in the 1940 era, and I can't remember any huggie people at all, family and everyone else. I had a very huggless life ha ha. but over the years, I have thought,have I missed out on such a nice family thing to do, but its not an issue really, as its how things were way back for me.

My family then, were all close, and had very happy times together, that was all we needed.

The only person who became a hugger, was my late ex husband, he was never a hugger with me,, but 43 years ago, he delivered our daughter on the back seat of our car, and then for the rest of his life, he always hugged our daughter big time whenever he met up with her.

I hate all the hugging tbh, I suspect I'm just like dm who I remember was never happy with more than a peck on the cheek from us. Df was a hugger though and so my siblings fall into the two camps. Of my dc the majority don't hug in fact dd1 absolutely hated the teenage girl phase when there was much dramatic hugging around her so much so she used to stand with her hands out telling them she didn't do hugs. I did find though, that one of the benefits of having non hugging children was that they managed to avoid getting headlice

I'm not a hugger. I am all over my kids and Dh but don't feel the need to embrace everyone I see.
My friends rib me for it and force hug me when drunk.
My in laws are a big family of huggers and it's horrible. When we arrive or leave anywhere they advance towards me arms outstretched like a horde from the walking dead!
Mil is sensitive to it and has stopped trying to hug me, fil however seems obsessed with it and so even if I manage to avoid it, I can feel him bobbing and weaving about to get a hug and kiss on the cheek 😂 He's not sated until he gets what he wants.

Yes, I'm like this too. I try to be a bit more affectionate but it doesn't come naturally to me.

Aha, found my people! Brisk handshake, anyone?

I'm the same! I'm more tactile with friends.

I'm making a conscious effort to keep hugging my children to help this

I’m the same ! Very cuddly with youngest child - though she instigates, but is often glued to me. She still has no idea of personal space Older two DS’s are less huggy as teenagers but occasionally will sit next to me on sofa and we have a cuddle. But I hate hugging anyone else , (no DP) , my mum is very tactile so loves DD being so cuddly , I think my mum needs the contact but I don’t like hugging her - although I adore my mum and love her - I do one of those things where you try and lean forward to hug but keep your distance and then quickly pat the other person on the back to signal the hug is over and try to separate!
I also have a huge personal space so hate people getting too close to me when talking , I keep trying to move back. Or when people touch my arm when they’re talking to me - I really struggle not to swat their hand away.

Hate it hate it hate it and everyone is huggy these days -yuk

My really close friends and I give each other big hugs when we meet up.

I hug and kiss my husband and children every day.

I detest physical contact with anyone else - sisters, parents, other friends...

I stopped kissing my parents about ten years ago as I just hated it! My 3 sisters kiss them hello and goodbye but I don't.

I spent the first few years of marriage allowing one of my husband's cousins to give me hideous big slobbery kisses. Thankfully he lives abroad now and we don't see him. Now I am older and wiser, I would just say NO!

My boss gave me a kiss to say Merry Christmas when we left work before the break. I am still shuddering now.

I’m not British, and I can’t bear to hug people, or any sort of physical contact for some reason. Never have really, but I love cuddling animals- particularly dogs. For some reason I can totally let go with dogs. I am unofficially (not formally diagnosed) on the ASD spectrum, and hate touching people, but find dog hugs therapeutic.

I don't really do physical contact.

My DC get cuddles and I'm ok with the children at work/other children.

Adults wise I have a couple of colleagues that will touch my arm or my back in a sort of reassuring way (we work with children with SEN, who often have quite violent moments, so its a support thing) FIL gets a peck on the cheek. DH and I don't cuddle apart from after sex. Even the doctor having to touch me, shaking hands, accidental hand touching when paying really creeps me out, not as bad as it used to, I don't have the panic attacks I used to but I still feel shaky and sick.

My parents were very tactile when I was growing up, as were my aunts and uncles and grandparents and I was born in 88 so grew up with everyone hugging each other, I don't know why but I really hate it.

OP:

I don’t get this. Why older members, anyway? Your post is ageist.

I am happy to hug anyone who reaches out to hug me. I am fine with air kisses and so on too - even if I am meeting someone for the first time. It’s friendly and sociable.

I'm the same with my mum and dad! My dad is very ill and I do pat him on the shoulder when I leave now. I tell them I love them but never any physical contact. I do hug my grandad goodbye and used to with my nan when she was alive. I also hug friends, children, nephews and nieces.