Childbirth - wwyd

[Namechangemum100]

Please be gentle on me, I am heavily pregnant and trying to do the best by everyone and just don't know what the right decision is.

I am 38 weeks pregnant with dC2, Dc1 is 13 months old.

Originally we had planned a home birth, however I have been having second thoughts as I just don't think I will be able to relax with Dc1 here.

The alternative is of course to go to our local mlu where I had Dc1, which I am comfortable with, but we have major childcare issues.

Essentially, as we live far from family, Dc1 has no real solid connections with any family members as she sees them so infrequently. She does have really good relationship with my other mum friends, but they all have young babies themselves, and cannot provide any childcare for us.

The 2 options I am left with is to either continue with the home birth which I'm really unsure about, or to go to the mlu alone whilst dh looks after Dc1. If it happens over night we may be able to get a neighbour to sit in with her whilst she's asleep which I am not 100% comfortable with as she is a very sensitive baby and I doubt she will be able to resettled without one of us there which makes me very anxious.

I cannot bear the thought of someone she isn't comfortable with,like my dm or mil bathing and settling her as I know how upset she will get, and I just can't even imagine it. I don't want her to spend all night distressed and I just don't think it's fair when she is so little.

Aibu to go to the hospital alone? Wwyd?

Grrr there were paragraphs...no ideas what's happened!

Yanbu to go alone, its what I would have done if childcare was an issue for us.

Second babies do tend to come quicker than first though, so if you can labour at home as long as possible then send dh home from hospital an hour after the baby is born dc1 wont have been left too long.

How far away are your and dhs parents?

I would go to the MLU alone, you will have the midwives there to support you and will feel more comfortable knowing your child is being cared for at home.

I do think a home birth is still a good option and its what I would ultimately choose if I ever have another and its an uncomplicated pregnancy.

If you decide to leave your partner at home with dd could you get a doula to be at the mlu with you?

Go alone. I had dc2 alone for similar reasons (dc1 had not been looked after by anyone apart from dh and me). It was fine. Tbf I was only at the hospital for half an hour before I gave birth, having gone in thinking I was pretty much at the start of things (I actually took the bus - can't really believe that in retrospect). But in a MLU surely you will get quite consistent care and support, and tbh it's not reeeeeally necessary to have your partner there, although these days it has become the norm.

Could you find/afford a last-minute doula? Or could a friend go with you?

Can a family member come stay with you NOW to build a relationship?

I would go alone. Your labour is more likely to be hindered if you are not relaxed and feeling comfortable about your little girl.

Best of luck op. You wil be fine.

Are you sure your friends couldn't have her? Have you asked? I started childminding when dc1 was 11 months and frequently had 3 babies from my antenatal course in my care (ready made customers, and fortunately DD was the last baby born from the course so the older ones fell into the 12 month + category for ratios :o ) I was also emergency contact for one mum's 2nd birth, although not needed as she went into labour early while her mum was visiting from abroad. I was flattered to be asked and happy to have two small toddlers overnight and for as long as necessary.

I’d go alone too. I’d wouldn’t push yourself into home birth if you’re not comfortable with it, that defeats the purpose! Good luck

Did you have a straightforward 1st birth? If so another birth so soon is likely to be fairly quick. My first was 12 hours start to finish, 2nd 4 hours and I only was uncomfortable with the pain from transition - I wished I’d opted for a home birth as all the faffing with childcare just wasn’t worth it in the end and I nearly didn’t make it to hospital!

I think if your partner was there for dc1 then they should be there for dc2. I'm sure dd1 will cope much better than you think!

It's really hard with the second - we were 'lucky' as I had a planned section so DD just went to nursery but I did worry about potentially having to go it alone if VBAC with second child

FWIW - now I'd be asking parents for help, tell them not to bathe your child just to get them to sleep and perhaps leave some clothes with your smell on in her room so she can smell you

Please ask a friend, I can't imagine many mum's who wouldn't care for a friends baby for one night while they gave birth! It doesn't need to become a stressful drama

Are you close to your parents - have they offered to help?

I would ask one of your other mum friends. You say that DD is comfortable with them, and I am absolutely sure that they won't mind being asked. I was on the list of 'numbers to call' when a friend was in this situation (although she didn't need me in the end).

To me, that would be much better than going to the hospital alone.

I had my second baby when dc1 was 15 months old and had a home birth. As it happened, the entire labour and birth happened overnight but it was one of my Mum friends I had lined up just in case she was needed, we were at the stage where we met up every week so my dc knew her and her child really well.
I had a very short labour, 3 hours from first contraction to birth

Ds was 20 months when dd came and he was at the hospital with dh. It happened quite quickly and we had to rush in at 2am. She was born by 6.

I had my second child alone for similar reasons, it was absolutely fine. The midwives were brilliant.

When DS was born DH was at home with DD. He took me to the hospital (had to take DD too even though it was nearly midnight) and then returned home. He and DD came in the next day once DS arrived (weekend so DD not at school).

It was absolutely fine DH wouldn’t have been any use anyway and DD was only four and we have no family around (even though I live yards from where I grew up).

If you were my friend, I’d happily look after your 13 month old for a night, even if that meant I was looking after two babies over night. So maybe try your friends and see.

But failing that, why not ask your mum or a friends to be your birth partner?

She does have really good relationship with my other mum friends, but they all have young babies themselves, and cannot provide any childcare for us.

Have you actually asked them OP? I know you don't want to look like a CF but I would have offered to help anyone who asked while they were in labour even if I had a young baby at the time

Absolutely fine to go alone, I've done if myself. You'll be in good hands, and can relax knowing your little one is safe.

I would try and get your SM or MIL to be honest. Failing that have you actually asked your mum friends? Surely someone would be happy to help out given an extraordinary circumstance, giving birth.

Your DD doesn’t need to be bathed or anything like that, a day or two’s dirt never hurt any child. They may get upset for the day or night if you or DH is not there but it’s such a brief period really in the scheme of things and will cause absolutely no lasting damage whatsoever.

Ask them - they can only say no. Friend had similar issue. In the end although I had offered, once people knew the situation she was inundated & took an offer from someone who knew her dc better than I did.

I would have offered to help anyone who asked while they were in labour even if I had a young baby at the time

So would I!

I would go to the MLU alone. I say this partly because my sensitive 2 year old (who everyone said would be fine) hasn't reacted at all well to me and dh going away to have dc2. It was complicated and I was in and out of hospital a lot and ds now has a bit of a meltdown whenever I have any kind of appointment because he thinks I am going back to hospital.