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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childbirth - wwyd

86 replies

Namechangemum100 · 16/03/2018 06:59

Please be gentle on me, I am heavily pregnant and trying to do the best by everyone and just don't know what the right decision is.

I am 38 weeks pregnant with dC2, Dc1 is 13 months old.

Originally we had planned a home birth, however I have been having second thoughts as I just don't think I will be able to relax with Dc1 here.

The alternative is of course to go to our local mlu where I had Dc1, which I am comfortable with, but we have major childcare issues.

Essentially, as we live far from family, Dc1 has no real solid connections with any family members as she sees them so infrequently. She does have really good relationship with my other mum friends, but they all have young babies themselves, and cannot provide any childcare for us.

The 2 options I am left with is to either continue with the home birth which I'm really unsure about, or to go to the mlu alone whilst dh looks after Dc1. If it happens over night we may be able to get a neighbour to sit in with her whilst she's asleep which I am not 100% comfortable with as she is a very sensitive baby and I doubt she will be able to resettled without one of us there which makes me very anxious.

I cannot bear the thought of someone she isn't comfortable with,like my dm or mil bathing and settling her as I know how upset she will get, and I just can't even imagine it. I don't want her to spend all night distressed and I just don't think it's fair when she is so little.

Aibu to go to the hospital alone? Wwyd?

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 16/03/2018 09:05

Sorry to hear that your DM and MIL cant be relied on at all as far as childcare/ babysitting goes, that is a shame.

If I were you I would either:

  • find a qualified babysitter or nanny who could be available to be on standby, and do a trial run so they look after your DD for an hour or so and she starts to get used to them
  • get a doula to support you at the birth in the MLU while your DH looks after your DD at home
  • stick with the home birth but get a doula to focus on you while your DH can focus on DD if needed
throwcushions · 16/03/2018 09:05

If I were you I would get MIL round but have DH settle your daughter to sleep then meet you at the hospital once she's settled if necessary. Does she wake up in the night a lot? If not your MIL is unlikely to need to do anything.

Original poster
Namechangemum100 · 16/03/2018 09:15

Thank you again everyone for being so kind and understanding.

Unfortunately the relationship with dm is such that she just isn't the right person to ask, I'm sure Dc1 would be safe, but it's not something I am entirely comfortable with

Mil is much the same, but with the added implication that it would mean having her here after dC2 arrived, and me and her do not have the best relationship. She would most definitely be more of a hindrance than help and I'm not sure I can deal with that post partum.

I think doula and mlu will be the best solution, and I'm pleased to here others have done this as I went to bed last night thinking I must be crazy.

Dc1 birth was long but straight forward so hopefully dC2 will be the same.

Dc1 does tend to wake in the night, but she does also sleep through so she wouldn't necessarily need either of us after she has fallen asleep, but it's getting her to sleep that will be the real obstacle, she has been challenging with this from birth which is why I just don't feel confident that she would actually sleep at all if being looked after by someone else, even in her own cot.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 16/03/2018 09:17

I'd go to mlu alone. I was all.all set. To do that with dc2 and 3 as dh works away during the wk and we couldn't afford for him to take time off. I didn't bit tbh dh said he felt like spare part as had 3 mw in mlu. Just make sure mw have dh phone.number so they can call if there's any complications

Urubu · 16/03/2018 09:21

Is your DH happy to miss the birth? Mine would have wanted to be there.
Dropping off your DD at a friends (not asking a BF friend to come to yours!) or hiring a babysitter are both good options.

Original poster
Namechangemum100 · 16/03/2018 09:25

No dh isn't entirely happy about missing the birth, but he also knows what Dc1 is like so it was actually his idea that I go alone, and that he comes to me as soon as he can.

Both of us just want Dc1 to be happy.

OP posts:
makingtime · 16/03/2018 09:26

What does DH say? I'm so surprised at how many people are saying to do it alone. Surely your husband doesn't want to miss the birth of his child?! Your eldest is 13 months. I would sort out the best fit for childcare and put aside your worries about them being unhappy for a few hours (which may not even happen). DC1 won't remember this. At all. Your DH will surely regret missing the birth and will always remember that!

makingtime · 16/03/2018 09:27

X post with you OP!

brummiesue · 16/03/2018 09:28

You don't really have much time to build a relationship with a doula, giving birth is a very intimate thing to rely on someone you don't know very well for support. Without meaning to sound harsh your daughter will manage one night at at friends house. She can miss one bath and will settle and sleep eventually, as people have said in sure the majority of your mum friends would be happy to help. You will struggle to keep treating her with such kid gloves when you have a new baby as well.

NameChange30 · 16/03/2018 09:31

“giving birth is a very intimate thing to rely on someone you don't know very well for support”

Weird thing to say when most of us have to make do with at least one midwife we’ve never met before!

zzzzz · 16/03/2018 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

actuarialsunshine · 16/03/2018 09:34

I had a home birth and doula. Second birth was super quick unlike slow (days on end) first birth. In the end my 3 year went to next door for 4 hours where she slept after waking at 2 in the morning. But there would have been no time for anyone else to come and get her in the middle of the night. In you situation I would do homebirth plus doula with DH looking after child. If you are lucky they will sleep through it and he can be there for the birth. Doula can go with you if you need to transfer.

childmindingmumof3 · 16/03/2018 09:35

Your dc1 will be absolutely fine dropped off at your friend's house on the way to the hospital! It doesn't matter if she doesn't sleep well.
They're called 'precious first borns' for a reason but once you have your second she'll seem much more robust Grin

user1494409994 · 16/03/2018 09:37

I was lucky in that baby 2 decided to arrive during the day so DS was shipped off to my mums which was his routine anyway. If it had happened in the middle of the night, I'd have gone to the hospital alone and left my husband with him. To be honest my husband was no use to me during baby 2's arrival because she came so quickly so it would have made no difference if he hadn't actually been there. I was able to concentrate and deal with it because DS was being looked after.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 16/03/2018 09:37

zzzz do you know whether your dad was at your birth? Have your kids ever asked?

I'd drop dd1 off with a willing baby group mum friend she knows and likes if it were me, but the OP's DH suggested that he misses the birth to look after his dc1! Op isn't forcing him to.

Worrying about how that will make the unborn baby feel as an adult (she probably won't ever think to ask) is about as relevant as worrying about dc1 getting upset at bedtime, or less so!

childmindingmumof3 · 16/03/2018 09:37

I would also happily give birth with just midwives though, maybe a doula.
I can't imagine children will give a monkeys about who attended their birth, what a bizarre concern!

Original poster
Namechangemum100 · 16/03/2018 09:40

@zzzzzz well as much as people are saying the Dc1 will get over it, I'd like to think the same would apply to dC2 how most definitely will not remember their dad wasn't at their birth.

Not really sure what your even trying to get at with this comment. dC2 will be no less loved by dh than Dc1, it's a logistics issue, not favouritism.

OP posts:
Shutupanddance1 · 16/03/2018 09:42

Build up a relationship with a trusted babysitter/Childminder? It would make sense as I’m sure that in the coming months/years you will need someone to look after the two little ones for times when you need adult time/hospital appointments etc

I live abroad and basically will be using our babysitter for night time if and when I go into labour. Failing that we have a sister in law who may be able to step in at night but as she’s a teacher that might not happen as she’d have to go to work in the morning.

zzzzz · 16/03/2018 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MurielsBottom · 16/03/2018 09:54

I would prepare for the home birth option. Dh can be around for DC1, the midwives will be with you anyway and he will be very nearby so he can be there at the birth. It may all happen at night and dc1 will be asleep anyway.

We had dc2 at home and dc1 was 18 months old. She was having her afternoon nap when the midwife arrived and baby was born before she woke up. We didn't have any relatives nearby so that was never an option.

Viviennemary · 16/03/2018 09:55

Could you not have a family member come over now a few times to look after your DD to get her used to them. I wouldn't go alone and drive myself there. Would your other friends that she's used to not have her overnight at their house. And it might not even be overnight. I absolutely agree no need for bathing or anything like that if she's only being left for one day.

brummiesue · 16/03/2018 10:47

Actually Namechange30 it isn't a 'weird thing to say at all.
Midwives often have more than one woman in their care so are often in and out of the room, they don't stick by your side throughout the entire birth. The majority of people have a birth partner they know and trust as that is the person who tends to be with them the entire time.

RedHelenB · 16/03/2018 11:14

Your child will be unsettled when baby no.2 arrives anyway so starting one day earlier really won't make much difference.but you know what, it will all work out. Let mil Come, stay at home as long as you're able and dc1 may not even realise you've gone!

SeaToSki · 16/03/2018 11:36

I would have a night plan and a day plan. Night plan, DH stays home with DC1, since that is what you are most worried about at the moment and you need to be confident going into labour. Day plan, arrange with a couple of Mum friends to have DC1 and feed her breakfast, play etc. Maybe a couple of options so you have back up if someone elses DC is sick on the day.

Then when you need to go to the MLU with your doula, just put one of the plans into action. This way, If you are in labour during the day, DH can be with you and if it is at night, he wont but you will be happy. With a bit of luck, your labour will start at night and you will head into the MLU with your doula, and then DH will join you after he drops DC1 at a friends house at early oclock in her pjs for breakfast.

Flitter123 · 16/03/2018 11:38

I was worried about this but my midwife said I probably wouldn't properly go into labour until after we'd put the kids to bed and I'd relaxed. I wasn't sure to believe her but it happened exactly as she said. I had a nice comfortable labour and my little ones had a lovely surprise to wake up to in the morning. It's very convenient having everything on hand and much more comfortable and relaxing. I wish I'd had a homebirth with my 2nd baby.

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