Childbirth - wwyd

[Namechangemum100]

Please be gentle on me, I am heavily pregnant and trying to do the best by everyone and just don't know what the right decision is.

I am 38 weeks pregnant with dC2, Dc1 is 13 months old.

Originally we had planned a home birth, however I have been having second thoughts as I just don't think I will be able to relax with Dc1 here.

The alternative is of course to go to our local mlu where I had Dc1, which I am comfortable with, but we have major childcare issues.

Essentially, as we live far from family, Dc1 has no real solid connections with any family members as she sees them so infrequently. She does have really good relationship with my other mum friends, but they all have young babies themselves, and cannot provide any childcare for us.

The 2 options I am left with is to either continue with the home birth which I'm really unsure about, or to go to the mlu alone whilst dh looks after Dc1. If it happens over night we may be able to get a neighbour to sit in with her whilst she's asleep which I am not 100% comfortable with as she is a very sensitive baby and I doubt she will be able to resettled without one of us there which makes me very anxious.

I cannot bear the thought of someone she isn't comfortable with,like my dm or mil bathing and settling her as I know how upset she will get, and I just can't even imagine it. I don't want her to spend all night distressed and I just don't think it's fair when she is so little.

Aibu to go to the hospital alone? Wwyd?

Echoing the others - ask your mum friends! Ice looked after two or three young toddlers before, it's perfectly possible and they will probably want to help in this situation. Good luck.

I’d ask a friend. I’d be so happy to help out someone even if it meant having my baby and theirs. I’d cope for a night!

My plan for when this is us is to ask one of my local mum friends. My DD would get dropped off there or they would come here depending on time/availability until my mum, Dad or sister get here - they are all over 3 hours away and my DD hasn't spent much time with them really and is still a bit shy but it wouldn't be for long and I would need my DH in hospital with me. It might all go perfectly fine but if it didn't I wouldn't want to have to phone him or a medical person. I need someone with me to help with decisions etc.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

In regards to friends, I have asked, however as many of them are still breastfeeding it just isn't logistically possible, unless DD stays at their house. As mentioned in op, DD is a very sensitive baby, we have tried on many occasions to either get her to sleep or nap in unfamiliar surroundings and it's always a disaster and that's with me there.

Dm won't be any good as we are only just rebuilding our relationship after being nc for 3 years.

Mil would come but aside from the fact that she is nearly 2 hours away, both I and dh agree that this will be no better than a perfect stranger. I've never met anyone so incapable of understanding a child's basic needs as mil, it would end in a total and utter meltdown.

We can afford a doula, so perhaps that would be a good option instead of being totally alone.

Such a stressful situation!

i had dc2 at home. dd1 was a similar age to yours and tbh it was fine having her pottering about for the couple of hours i was in labour. she had a nap whilst the actual birthing happened and woke up to a new brother. it was all very chilled. but if you'd prefer the mlu, then its total fine to do it alone. DH was 'there' whilst i had dc2 but not really of any use/need. (that sounds awful, but I just mean, I was sort inside myself and I could just as easily have done it without him!)

Even if I wasn't one of your really close best friends, I'd still be more than happy to look after your child while you gave birth!
You say your child has a relationship with the other mums so presumably you know them fairly well?

Apologise for short post- about to leave house.

I hired a doula with dc2 and dc3 so that childcare was not an issue.

I had a hb both times. I actually relaxed more about it all once I realised if they were there it was fine. I obviously understand if you can’t.

My second was so quick I couldn’t have got to hospital anyway. I think you could be alone but worry incase it’s so quick. Your partner and dc should still take you and then deal with the D.C. issue at hospital.

Def investigate other forms of childcare like a doula first.

Good luck xx

Sorry, x post!
Could you look on childcare.co.uk and see if you could find a childcare provider or babysitter to have her. Your DD could meet them a couple of times first to get her more comfortable. Just make sure you vet them and check their DBS/paediatric first aid.
I'd hate to give birth alone!

Ah yes - it puts things in a different light if you'd be asking friends to look after your DD instead of rather than alongside their own!

In that case yes, labouring alone with a paid doula, as you've said you can afford that, might be your best option.

Or employ a CRB checked babysitter (the same one each time obviously) to come and play with DD, gradually moving to putting her to bed every day from now the next 2-3 weeks (ie until the birth) and to stay in your home and babysit when you go into labour. If you have the money for that it could be a good investment in a relationship for after the birth too, in case you should want or need any childcare help in future.

I really think a Home birth would be fine, your DH is there to sort out DD if she needs anything and then at least he's in the house with you! Even if he isn't in the room to see the actual birthing?

We didn't have any family near but I had a list of Mum friends on standby - just as I was in their lists for their next babies. If your friends have small babies themselves I would have thought it made it easier, rather than more difficult to look after another child for a short time. My first DD hadn't been left with anyone before, either, but when the time came we dropped her off at one friend early in the morning, then another friend came to take her for the rest of the time until my husband came back from the hospital, picked her up and looked after her until I was ready for discharge later that day when they both came to get us. Big day for everyone but we coped - especially my first DC. Sometimes you just have to trust people, including tiny ones.

I do understand that you don't want your first DC being upset - your entire emotion s have been directed to her wellbeing thus far and it is going to be a change for you having to divide your devotion as well as your time when the new baby comes, but you will. It's a different dynamic but you will all adapt. Maybe your husband would like to be there at the birth of his second DC, as well ?

I had DC2, 3 & 4 at home. Middle of the night, 7 am and 7pm.

Somehow I managed to get them up and get them to bed before the pushing stage both times.

I honestly think my body wouldn’t let go until the right time. Weirdly.

I had a homebirth with DC2. It all happened at night. Most people’s DC seem to sleep through their labour however DD1 woke up as I was pushing and so I sent DH to settle her. It meant he missed the actual birth but like TheOriginalEmu I was inside myself and didn’t feel like I needed him. I suppose this would have been true for the MLU too.

Btw she didn’t wake up because of any noise from me, she was just a horrible sleeper who woke up all the time from midnight onwards so it was inevitable!

Why can’t your husband take your child to the friends house when it’s needed whilst you get to hospital and then he meets you there?

In my area you can book a home birth then if you change your mind at any time, including during labour, then you can go in. I would do that. If you are labouring during the night, and dc1 is asleep, then you stay at home. If morning comes and she wakes up, then you can go in.

The doula is a good call. She can come to your house, and if dd wakes up then your dp can look after her and you will still have the doula with you. And if you need to go to hospital, the doula goes with you.

I'd opt to give birth at the MLU, with a doula or friend for support. You don't need DH there.

If you’re anything other than 100% committed to the home birth, please don’t do it. Definitely don’t do it because you’re worried about childcare: it’s not a good enough reason to commit you and your unborn baby to a less safe environment. Look at this study, for example. www.crd.york.ac.uk/crdweb/ShowRecord.asp?LinkFrom=OAI&ID=12010005954
Everything about home both starts off by looking better — women less likely to have pain relief, suffer bad tearing, babies less likely to be very low birth weight or premature (though this because home birth isn’t allowed in those circumstances). But, despite the fact that the population (both mothers and babies) who starts off having a home birth is healthier and in better shape than average, the neonatal mortality rate is three times higher! (Conclusion: “Less medical intervention during planned home birth was associated with a tripling of the neonatal mortality rate.”)

The childcare issue needs to come second to the decision about you and your baby’s safety. I think going by yourself is a good decision. But any number of other arrangements will also be completely fine — even if your daughter is miserable for one night (and she won’t be!), the most important thing for her is that you and baby are well afterwards.

I had all home births and we had arranged for DS to go to a friend's house. As it turned out, they didn't hear their phone so he stayed and all was fine. He slept through most of it! For No.3 we didn't even bother asking anyone - all my labours started around midnight and resulted in early/mid morning births.

I would ask your friends - I'd be more than willing in similar circumstances

I think you should ask yr mum to come. Your DD is never going to get to know her if she doesn’t see her. It’s a great opportunity for them to bond. You will be surprised how quickly she is comfortable with her Granny. Ask Granny to come down a few days before.

Your 13 month old will survive one day of being a bit unsettled and miserable. I know it sound as bit mean but really, they will. They will not be scarred by it.

You also have time to help them get settled. Pick the friend who will take her and start going to their house briefly every other day from now until the birth. Get her to nap there a couple of times.

It's quite common here in London for friends to take children during later births as lots of people have moved here from elsewhere so no parents around. You buy them a fantastic gift some point after the birth when you are recovered.

Ask a friend! Amongst my baby group we all looked after the first babies when the second ones arrived. Trust me they will be asking you before long too. Your DD will be fine. Easier to settle somewhere strange without you being there.

I really would ask a friend to have DD. She really will cope with one day or night of being a bit unsettled. I'm generally all about putting children's needs first (what parent isn't?) but in this exceptional instance, your needs really will need to come first.

I think you should ask yr mum to come. Your DD is never going to get to know her if she doesn’t see her

They've been NC for three years though. Whether her mother would be appropriate to look after her DD depends very much on why they were NC. If the OP has reasons of her own not to trust her mother, she should listen to her own gut IMO. Rebuilding a relationship between the OP and her mother is a nice aim, but not if it puts the DD in harm's way.