To tell son's MIL-to-be to bog off

[LavenderH]

My son's MIL-to-be (they're getting married in June) is completely outspoken, bullish, controlling and downright rude - obviously, I do not like her! But that is beside the point. The point is that she has demanded that I watch my 3-year old DGD at the upcoming wedding (which I don't mind doing, seeing as he's a lamb and I love her to pieces) and has also made it clear in front of all of the family members that she 'expects' that I will NOT even have a glass of champagne to toast at my son's wedding. I don't drink, so in her logic I should be the one to watch my GD and should not even have a sip of champers. She also demands, as MOTB, that she be allowed to choose her "colours" for her outfit before I purchase mine, basically listing all of the colours of the rainbow that I should 'avoid' until she makes her choice. I told her that I'd wait until she decided and then buy a dress afterwards, but as the wedding is in June, I have a feeling she will leave it very late just to be awkward. AIBU if I just tell her, politely, to bog off?

I think you ask your son and DiL what they want, and then do that. So if they want you to do what she demands for an easy time, then to make their lives easier, you go along with it. If they say that you should ignore her and do what you want, then that's what you do.

I would tell her do such thing. And do what you bloody please. Even if you want a drink or two, I would do it. She is not in charge of you.

She obviously didn't get to have a say on her own wedding so is using her daughter's as an opportunity to be a bridezilla.
She sounds batshit. Tbh I would go dress shopping and it's tough shit if you match or clash with her. you are just as important as she is.

The woman is mad.

Is it normal for in-laws to have this kind of interaction before and about the wedding?

You should be able to wear what you like, who cares if there is a clash?
Isn't it up to the child's parents to take a view on alcohol and who can look after their child when they've had a drink? What does it actually have to do with this woman when she is neither a parent nor effected?

I would not tell her what I was wearing. Just ignore.

Are you contributing towards the wedding costs?

Could her MOTB-Zilla behaviour be due in part to the fact that she's contributing more than you? (so feels she has some ownership).

I didn't even know that liaising over outfits was a thing! When DS and DDIL got married I just went and bought an outfit, and clearly MoB did likewise. We barely know each other.

Why would it matter?

What a nutter.

Imagining the day. OP sat with DGD. Yes darling, I’m looking after you today because Nanny2 loves getting shitfaced more than she loves you’. beatific smile

Don’t get into a confrontation with her, it will only make your son’s family life difficult going forward.

Buy whatever dress you like, and drink the champagne if you want to. Just ignore her. (In a low-key way, not ostentatiously.)

Women morph into their mothers - I'd be telling your son to run run run very fast !

Well it’s a good thing most men don’t think like that, new, otherwise I would have died an old maid!

I thought it was usually the bride who would be asked about colours of dresses for the Mother's? Or just go off of what the wedding and bridesmaid dress colours are for a guide.

The MIL sounds like the type who will show up wearing white or ivory or black, so maybe just avoid those colours.

What a witch!!

It’s not going to do you any harm to humour her. But I cannot help but think that this is more of a power play than anything. Let her ‘pick her colours’ but have a sip of champagne during the toasts. We all know that it won’t make a different.

I'm sorry but I'd have to tell her to back down a bit here. I can't believe she's given you demands like you're the hired nanny ffs

I'd tell her that whilst you appreciate she's the mother of the bride, you're the mother of the groom and to cut out the demanding behaviour

just say "no problem" "of course" etc and then do whatever you want. What's she realistically going to do

I definitely remember reading when I was getting married that the MOTB picks first and then the MOTG should pick something that's neither the same nor clashing. Not something I've come across in real life (fortunately my mum and MIL are lovely normal people who... went shopping and bought dresses they liked, indeed I think MIL may have bought first) so perhaps it's a tradition from the US or something. But she may have read similar.

At the same time, she sounds utterly batshit, so do as you like but tread carefully! And enjoy each and every sip of champagne (or beverage of choice) you wish to have.

Totally irrelevant to the dress and “MOG as an Au Pair” silliness, but out of pure, honest nosiness are you paying towards the wedding in a broadly equal capacity?

Tell her pea green.

From an etiquette POV it is true that the MOTB gets first choice on oufit colours. The queen had to wait until Ma Middleton had chosen her colour before she could make her own arrangments.

But that doesnt mean you can fuck with her head. I agree with pushing orange, perhaps with some nice cerise accessories

you can't fuck with her head......

Cheeky cow! Buy your own outfit as you see fit and drink what you deem appropriate. Whilst no one wants to rock the boat at a family wedding, I suspect she'll be the sort that tries to impose herself on the day and all future events. You need to smack her down now- you are an adult and she doesn't control you. and make sure you wear a huge hat and block her in all of the pictures

AdaColeman
NewYearNewMe18

Not all daughters turn out like their mothers. Op has already said her dil2b is embarrassed about her mother’s behaviour. I most certainly do not act like mine.

‘No, I won’t be doing that’. Repeat.