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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell son's MIL-to-be to bog off

106 replies

LavenderH · 14/03/2018 16:43

My son's MIL-to-be (they're getting married in June) is completely outspoken, bullish, controlling and downright rude - obviously, I do not like her! But that is beside the point. The point is that she has demanded that I watch my 3-year old DGD at the upcoming wedding (which I don't mind doing, seeing as he's a lamb and I love her to pieces) and has also made it clear in front of all of the family members that she 'expects' that I will NOT even have a glass of champagne to toast at my son's wedding. I don't drink, so in her logic I should be the one to watch my GD and should not even have a sip of champers. She also demands, as MOTB, that she be allowed to choose her "colours" for her outfit before I purchase mine, basically listing all of the colours of the rainbow that I should 'avoid' until she makes her choice. I told her that I'd wait until she decided and then buy a dress afterwards, but as the wedding is in June, I have a feeling she will leave it very late just to be awkward. AIBU if I just tell her, politely, to bog off? Grin

OP posts:
Namechangemum100 · 14/03/2018 17:23

This has to be a joke right?! You are a fully grown woman allowing someone you don't even really like to dictate what you do, how you do it and when you do it.

Give yourself a kick up the arse and stop pandering to this lunatic.

Wear whatever you like, shop whenever you want, have champers and ignore the bully...you aren't at high school anymore!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/03/2018 17:24

WTF.

Just how did she word it exactly? And why didn't you tell her to fuck off? Why is it her place to be dishing out commands like this?

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/03/2018 17:24

Does she maybe think you don’t drink because you’re a dry alcoholic?

Maybe she thinks one sip of champers is a a slippery slope to staggering around the bar with your knickers on your head singing ‘We are sailing’.

Original poster
LavenderH · 14/03/2018 17:26

Does she maybe think you don’t drink because you’re a dry alcoholic

Not even a remote possibility!

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 14/03/2018 17:27

I wouldn't tell her anything. She could demand and dish out as many orders as she likes but I would just be doing whatever I thought was ok for me.
I would have a drink if I wanted ones and I would be planning my outfit in my time and choose whatever colour I wanted.
You really don't have to take notice of people like her. It just wouldn't affect me at all.

Original poster
LavenderH · 14/03/2018 17:28

*This has to be a joke right?! You are a fully grown woman allowing someone you don't even really like to dictate what you do, how you do it and when you do it.

Give yourself a kick up the arse and stop pandering to this lunatic.*

I may be a grown woman, but this is not my wedding, and I wouldn't want any confrontation to upset future DIL or make her life any harder when she would inevitably witter on about it! Sometimes it is easier to take a back seat like everybody else does

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 14/03/2018 17:29

She sounds totally batshit. Who the hell does she think she is telling you what to do?

Can you get DIL to be to go with you to choose your outfit fairly soon? Then you can tell her you're sorted, what colour it is and that DIL approves.

And tell her of course you'll be having a glass of champagne to celebrate your son's wedding. Hmm

user1466690252 · 14/03/2018 17:31

we had a nanny for our wedding day. It meant my parents didn't miss the party in the night and I have the best memories of dancing with my mother and father in the night, it was honestly one of the best things we did and the nanny sat in the room with the baby till they were ready to go to bed. totally off subject here, but maybe think about the evening side of things and if you want to stay for that

Original poster
LavenderH · 14/03/2018 17:33

This is for the evening

OP posts:
TheSecondMrsAshwell · 14/03/2018 17:33

Could you not get one of the guests to throw an extreme hissy fit while the speeches are on and your DGD is behaving beautifully.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 14/03/2018 17:34

Oooh, a nanny for the day is a great idea.

cucaracha · 14/03/2018 17:36

June? I would go on an intensive boot camp and be in the best shape I've ever had. Then anything I'd wear would look wonderful (think stylish outfits, in the Royal Family style, not the Kardashian's style even if Kris Jenner does look very good for her age to be fair )

Of course you don't want confrontation, that's very sweet of you, but you are just as important as the crazy woman. There are different ways of showing off

Jenna43 · 14/03/2018 17:36

Line up a load of shot glasses full of water on the bar and make eye contact as you down them

GrinGrinGrin brilliant maybe give her the middle finger gesture while you're at it

Nikephorus · 14/03/2018 17:38

Just reply to each order with a big smile and 'You're such a wag! I adore your sense of humour!'
And you could mention the bright red dress you're planning on wearing - 'DH says I look just like a scarlet woman - I might surprise him and go commando on the big day!' With any luck the colour of her face will match the colour of your fictional dress. Grin

user1474652148 · 14/03/2018 17:40

Feel for your ds but on a positive note you won’t have any competition for the best granny award!! 😁

Ignore her and start looking for your dress - the deadline is a good idea but in the meantime you can narrow down your choices.

Enjoy ds wedding, ignore her craziness and keep her at arms length for family occasions for the future. Fortunately for you there is no need for a close relationship

Topseyt · 14/03/2018 17:41

Yes, I would tell her to bugger off. I would make it short and sharp, but I definitely wouldn't even try to be polite.

Get your own dress. Whatever you like. I don't see why you have to liaise with her over it at all so I would tell her nothing. If she tries again tell her that you will be sorting yourself out and you refuse to be dictated to.

At our wedding many years ago none of the women collaborated over outfits. It was never even discussed. No problems on the day at all.

CotswoldStrife · 14/03/2018 17:42

This could well be the time to employ the MN tinkly laugh and the jovial response of 'oh MIL, it's not your wedding' every time she issues another royal decree.

Although to be fair, my mum and MIL did have a telephone conversation about outfits because they didn't want to clash or match!

Plumsofwrath · 14/03/2018 17:46

Oh you’re exactly the type of MIL I want to be when/if my DS gets married.

That’s said, there’s a very good chance I’ll end up being like your DS’s MIL to be when DD gets married Blush

Namechangemum100 · 14/03/2018 17:46

Totally respect that op and it's very admirable of you to be putting your feeling to one side for the sake of your son and Dil (she is very lucky to have you), however her requests aren't even remotely reasonable, and you will be setting a president moving forward if you go along with such bullish demands.

EvilEdna1 · 14/03/2018 17:48

I think there might be some weird etiquette thing that says the mother of the bride should get first choice of colour of outfit and then mother of the groom picks a different colour. I know this because my own mother in law is uses etiquette as a weapon so that she can revel in the fact everyone else falls short of her standards. She kept asking me what colour my mum had picked until I gave in and insisted my mum went shopping! My mum didn't give a crap who was wearing what.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2018 17:48

I was going to suggest a nanny or alternate child-watcher, too. You deserve to be unencumbered to enjoy your son's wedding, just as much as the MOTB does.

As far as the dress, I'd check with future DiL to see if she has any absolute 'NOs' or preferred colours and go from there. The 1 May deadline is a good idea, too.

MOTB and I actually went dress shopping together with the Bride and picked our outfits together to complement each other.

She (DiL's mum) isn't as bad as your monster-in-law, she's just run of the mill 'pushy', but easy to ignore. The one thing she does that annoys me is that when my DS buys me something like a souvenir or small treat 'because I like to be able to treat you, Mum' she manipulates him to do the same for her, usually by saying how cute or delicious whatever it is he's getting me then decrying her lack of cash or an inability to find her card.

diddl · 14/03/2018 17:51

"I may be a grown woman, but this is not my wedding, "

No-but it's not hers either!

Neither of the couple are making the demands-unless she's asking on their behalf!

Sarahh2014 · 14/03/2018 17:52

Do what you want and make sure your son filters that information down the line

AdaColeman · 14/03/2018 18:08

Just ignore it all.

Buy something you look fab in, don't discuss it with her or her daughter, don't show it off beforehand.

Get a bottle of Champagne and have a glass with your DS and family before the wedding ceremony. At the "do" drink what you want when you want.

frasier · 14/03/2018 18:09

I'd just get whatever dress you want. Chances are it will not be "her" colour and if it is, what's she going to do about it? She didn't tell you her preference. Actually get in there first and tell her what colour you have bought, she's the one who doesn't want to wear the same.

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