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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend a birthday party isn’t a birthday party so DDs JW mate can come

127 replies

Vapidly · 13/03/2018 18:07

She’s turning 8. Best mate is JW. She couldn’t come to her 6th birthday party as she isn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays. Her mum phoned to clarify what the party was for and I said her birthday and she apologised and said her DD couldn’t come.

This year she is having another birthday party but smaller. Desperately wants her mate to come. Would it be awful to just have a “party” with no mention of birthday or would it just be tricking the mum?

DD is happy to forego cake at the party and have it later. Plain balloons which don’t say birthday on them and isn’t bothered about gifts or singing happy birthday. Her friend knows it is her birthday and said her mum won’t let her come if it’s called a birthday party. Her other friend is a Muslim girl who is allowed to come as long as no alcohol in the house. We remove it and put it in the garage when she comes over. I have no issues with religion and don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to get one over the JW mum.

What makes a party a birthday party?! AIBU to just have a party and not mention the birthday bit to the mum?

OP posts:
DietCokeGirrrrrl · 13/03/2018 21:04

Yes, it would be wrong. You'd be angry too if another parent tricked you into allowing your DD to attend an activity which went against your own deeply held beliefs. It would be hugely disrespectful.

Explain to your DD what cultural differences are and she will understand why her friend can't come.

Lashalicious · 13/03/2018 21:09

I’m going to email and say it is DDs birthday, she is having a party but we will happily do the cake and presents after her DD is gone and I really hope her DD can make it

Op, that sounds perfect. I think it is a perfect solution.

And happy birthday to your dd!

PurpleCrowbar · 13/03/2018 21:14

Don't tell her just say it's a party, religions are stupid like one time I ordered pizza for a party later found out one of the kids was muslim so just told them the ham was lamb meat and the pizza was halla I wasn't going to get another pizza because religion are stupid

Please tell me you didn't do that! Ugh. Not cool.

& I say that as a fully paid up subscriber to the 'religion is stupid' thing.

Ditzyitzy · 13/03/2018 21:25

I’d just accept she couldn’t come and they won’t ever have a friendship out of school tbh. Absolutely batshit religion and such a shame for the children.

BathshebaKnickerStickers · 13/03/2018 21:29

I had a JW “friend” and yes, they (adults and children) aren’t allowed to have friends or socialise outside the Kingdom Hall family - I put “friend” in “” as I was really devastated to find out that she would never actually be a friend...

I used to buy her cards from eBay - do a search for Jehovah’s Witness Cards - that said things like “ Happy Friday” on them.

They fon’t Celebrate birthdays - apparently there are 2 mentions of birthday celebrations in the Bible (I think. it’s the guy with the writing on the wall and when Salome asked for John The Baptist’s head on a plate) and both of them ended in the death of righteous people, do they believe that Jehovah doesn’t approve of celebrating birthdays

BaronessBomburst · 13/03/2018 21:39

@BlueLady
My experiences growing up as a JW were a grey childhood and exactly as some of the more judgmental posters have noted.
I was aware that my friends and classmates had parties, and no, we didn't. Not even at random times of the year. Friendships with non-JWs were quashed leaving me as a 12 year old playing with girls of 6 and 9; the children in our congregation were mainly boys. An article in the Awake! magazine about a Prince album got Radio One banned in our house, and my friends at school taught me to sing Wham's Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go despite the fact that I never actually heard the song until some years later.
I now live abroad and make sure that DS has the childhood that I didn't. We celebrate anything going, although I have removed all the religious crap, so Christmas is the middle of winter, Easter is for spring etc. And birthdays are huge because we live in the Netherlands where birthdays are a huge deal anyway.

PorkFlute · 13/03/2018 21:58

Since she only socialises with JW children and isn’t allowed to go bowling or anything I think it’s highly unlikely she’ll be allowed to go to your dd’s party whether it’s a birthday celebration or not.

Bluelady · 13/03/2018 22:07

I'm really sorry to hear that @Baroness. I think there must be differing degrees of strictness but I'm not sure how or why. I decided it wasn't for me, there's so much about it that's illogical.

When my mum died I was so afraid they'd try to take over her funeral. I was really surprised how respectful they were of my wishes and we managed to sort out a service that worked for her faith and what I wanted for her. They were also amazingly kind to me.

BaronessBomburst · 13/03/2018 22:21

@Bluelady DM has since married an elder and has got even worse. :(
Sorry about your DM. I'm glad you found a middle-ground.
I confess to being very bitter about many things. Having DS has really highlighted things I'd tried to ignore.

Bluelady · 13/03/2018 22:31

I think I'd be bitter too in your place. I'm sorry you had your childhood stolen and can absolutely see why you want to make your son's completely different. Philip Larkin wasn't wrong, was he?

wizzywig · 13/03/2018 22:34

Love the post from someone saying religion should be banned from childhood. As if they wouldn't give Christmas presents or easter eggs.

CadyHeron · 13/03/2018 22:40

Don't tell her just say it's a party, religions are stupid like one time I ordered pizza for a party later found out one of the kids was muslim so just told them the ham was lamb meat and the pizza was halla

I actually Shock then. Seriously hope you're on the wind up as that's disgusting if so.
I'm not Muslim, but I have some tolerance and respect of others.
FFS.
If you were veggie, you wouldn't be happy with some eejit pretending it was vegetable stock instead of chicken stock in a dish for example.

flirtygirl · 13/03/2018 22:44

Baroness you can have extreme positions in any religion. Sorry you had a horrible childhood. I know jw who didnt grow up watching tv or even radio but thats extreme and not the norm.

Most people who know jws, know them to be pleasant people who live their religious beliefs every day and not just on Friday or Sunday. Whats wrong with real faith?

Jw do have parties and do socialise and do go bowling. Not sure where all these myths have come from.

GayAllen · 13/03/2018 22:56

It’s all so bloody stupid.

tigerrun · 13/03/2018 22:58

Wizzywig I can’t see the post you were referring to, but Christmas (the timing and celebrations anyway) and Easter were pagan festivals long before they were hijacked by Christianity! Many of the traditions, including rabbits and eggs are directly from these pagan times.

Our family choose to have fun then and give presents and have no religion at all - we tell the kids what’s one people choose to believe about these holidays so they are making informed desciions but there is no religion involved in our Christmas or Easter (or birthdays, valentines, Halloween, bonfire night or New Year’s Eve) celebrations? We just like a reason to spend time with friends & family & party!

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2018 23:08

Is this thread for real, or is it just designed to get people frothing about religious folk who expect others to change their ways to accommodate them?

It sounds very Daily Mail-esque to me.

I only know one JW in real life (and I don't advise you telling lies to the parents btw), but I live amongst absolutely loads of Muslims and I can't think of a single one who would expect a non Muslim to remove alcohol from the house just for them or their children.

My experience is that most Muslims I know are quite the opposite and feel uncomfortable when people try to over accommodate them, even with the best of intentions, as they don't want to cause any extra work or put anyone out.

Just tell your child her friend can't come. If they're going to continue their friendship, then she'll just have to get used to it.

It won't do her any harm.

BaronessBomburst · 13/03/2018 23:14

@Bluelady grinning at the Larkin reference. Yup!

Hippee · 13/03/2018 23:24

My best friend was a JW when I was at secondary school. I had a cinema trip for my birthday, but we didn't call it a birthday party or have a cake or anything. She has since left the church and is completely anti-JW.

MotherofaSurvivor · 14/03/2018 19:12

Poor kid. That's awful. It's deliberate exclusion by the child's own parents. It's like a sodding cult 😢

ShiftyMcGifty · 14/03/2018 19:16

I’m more concerned with the alcohol-guzzling Muslim friend. She must have quite a problem at that age if her parents insist all alcohol is removed before she can enter the premises. Hmm. I wonder how they manage in supermarkets.

Original poster
Vapidly · 16/03/2018 16:53

Update: She isn’t coming. I had a very curt reply which said “we don’t celebrate birthdays. Thank you”

Anyway, thanks for all the replies and advice

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 16/03/2018 16:56

Oh well, you tried. Perhaps do a little party in the summer? Say you’re having a few friends round, would she like to come? Or a play date?

TheNoseyProject · 16/03/2018 17:01

To be honest OP I suspect it would be a no even if it was a genuine random party, it sounds like they’re not keen on friendship outside their church.

irregularegular · 16/03/2018 17:04

That's a real shame. When I was a child my best friend was a JW, but her mum tried hard to ensure she still had a nice childhood and did some normal things with friends. She used to have a non-birthday party each summer. And when I was a little older and doing birthday activities/treats that were not traditional parties, she used to come along (on the condition that she didn't sing Happy Birthday etc). They were a nice family and we are still (just about) in touch now, though I moved from the area when I was 14. She's also still a JW. The birthday thing was a bit daft really and I think sensible parents were happy to work round it a bit for the sake of their children and their friends.

RJnomore1 · 16/03/2018 17:10

I very much doubt she would be allowed to come no matter what you did.

My experience was very much like baroness. I have no friends from school in my life. The oldest friend I have is my husband who I met about three months after I upped and left them and yes they are a cult. I'm not bitter but I wouldn't wish a childhood like that on anyone.

Any organisation which does not allow scrutiny of its beliefs is highly dubious.

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