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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend a birthday party isn’t a birthday party so DDs JW mate can come

127 replies

Vapidly · 13/03/2018 18:07

She’s turning 8. Best mate is JW. She couldn’t come to her 6th birthday party as she isn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays. Her mum phoned to clarify what the party was for and I said her birthday and she apologised and said her DD couldn’t come.

This year she is having another birthday party but smaller. Desperately wants her mate to come. Would it be awful to just have a “party” with no mention of birthday or would it just be tricking the mum?

DD is happy to forego cake at the party and have it later. Plain balloons which don’t say birthday on them and isn’t bothered about gifts or singing happy birthday. Her friend knows it is her birthday and said her mum won’t let her come if it’s called a birthday party. Her other friend is a Muslim girl who is allowed to come as long as no alcohol in the house. We remove it and put it in the garage when she comes over. I have no issues with religion and don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to get one over the JW mum.

What makes a party a birthday party?! AIBU to just have a party and not mention the birthday bit to the mum?

OP posts:
PurpleCrowbar · 13/03/2018 18:33

If it's a question of just dd + JW family's child + Muslim family's child, then I'd just tell both you are doing a separate thing as a family for the birthday, so as dd isn't having a birthday party this year she won't be inviting either to non existent party, but 'would Mary & Aisha both like to come to tea next week?'

Obviously you then keep it completely non birthday!

Also obviously, you can't do this & invite Mary if dd's other 6 mates are also in fact coming, as they will turn up with gifts etc & Mary's parents will know fine well you've pulled a bait & switch.

But if it's genuinely a non birthday friendly tea, I should think that would be ok?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/03/2018 18:33

This really makes me furious! Why on earth shouldn't someone celebrate their birthday?

Crispbutty · 13/03/2018 18:34

“Her other friend is a Muslim girl who is allowed to come as long as no alcohol in the house. We remove it and put it in the garage when she comes over”

Seriously? Its not as if 6yr olds are going to be raiding your booze, and plenty of Muslims own shops that sell alcohol. Isn’t putting yours in the garage a little extreme? 🤔

Mitzimaybe · 13/03/2018 18:35

It's got to be worth trying because it sounds like the little girl would like to come if she's allowed to. My mum used to do this (call it something other than birthday) so my JW aunt and uncle could come.

Bluelady · 13/03/2018 18:36

Because their religion forbids it. It's normality to those children and, since they're not allowed to go to other kids' parties, they don't know what they're missing.

Original poster
Vapidly · 13/03/2018 18:37

Different versions of the same religion I suppose. Some are more strict than others. No alcohol in the house but she makes DD a little Christmas card so it’s swings and roundabouts. I can’t get worked up about it

OP posts:
RuskBaby · 13/03/2018 18:37

It’s not fair to lie, a friend is JW and obviously doesn’t celebrate. Could you have a play date another day, not the same I know but it’s her faith.

LokiBear · 13/03/2018 18:39

Please don't do that. Essentially, you are showing a child who will never have a birthday party exactly what they are missing just so that your dd will have a perfect birthday party. Well, that and being completely disrespectful to the family's beliefs. It isnt fair to them at all. Can't you just organise a play date desperate from the party?

BaronessBomburst · 13/03/2018 18:40

Her mum won't allow her to go to a birthday party, and if she finds out that you were economical with the truth, which she will, she will ensure that the friendship between the two girls fizzles out.
My DM is a JW and I grew up with this shit. Friendships with non-believers are actively discouraged and will be even more so as the girls grow older. There is nothing you can do. Sad

mixture · 13/03/2018 18:42

It will come out, the daughter will come home and have to confess, if put under the slightest pressure, it was a party due to someone having a birthday, and may get into trouble because of it. Those are my thoughts. Maybe her friend could come another day and you do something nice the three of you?

BookHelpPlease · 13/03/2018 18:44

Oh for goodness sake just say can she come over to play. It's all a bunch of crap anyways, let the girl have a bit of fun. You don't need to mess around with birthday party or plain party just invite her.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/03/2018 18:45

But JWs do have parties! They just don't celebrate birthdays. One JW mother at my daughter's school said "Every day is God's day" - to celebrate one day in particular was going to piss off God, no doubt.

PoorYorick · 13/03/2018 18:45

On the one hand I want to be respectful of other people's beliefs and cultures, on the other this is such bullshit.

I agree with being honest with the mother and asking how you can make it happen. Your daughter sounds like a darling.

Mayflower2017 · 13/03/2018 18:46

We have JW friends and they let their kids go to parties as long as they don’t witness “happy birthday” singing or cake with candles. Mum just asks to do it either at the start of the party (and they come 5 min later) or they leave earlier and we do it at the end. You don’t need to trick the mum. Just say your DD is having a party, but there won’t be any singing or cake for her kids to see. Hope it helps.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 13/03/2018 18:47

Have her round for tea-make it extra special.

Lethaldrizzle · 13/03/2018 18:47

How annoying you have to adapt to other people's religious beliefs in your own home and in the case of the jw child, how sad.

TabbyMumz · 13/03/2018 18:47

What on earth is JW?

JeanBodel · 13/03/2018 18:49

Really difficult situation and you are obviously trying to do the right thing. But you can't invite the friend to any kind of party or event remotely connected to celebrating your daughter's birth. Sorry. It will make things much worse in the long run.

MrsWombat · 13/03/2018 18:50

Could you have a bog standard tea party and ask the mother to pick her up early then you can do the cake and party bags once she's left. You could also ask the other parents to bring any cards/presents at the end when they pick the kids up so there is no birthday stuff in the house. You would have to be completely honest with the mum about this though.

iwouldgoouttonight · 13/03/2018 18:52

My DC's have both had close friends who were JWs (both different families). One was allowed to play at ours but the other wasn't allowed to come round at all, he could only socialise with other JWs.

With the one who was allowed to play at ours we had a birthday party for DD with her other friends and then her JW friend came another day a few days after just to play, so it wasn't anything birthday related and her family were fine with that.

MotherofaSurvivor · 13/03/2018 18:52

Poor kid :(

EduCated · 13/03/2018 18:53

Lethaldrizzle What an odd attitude. OP is perfectly able to throw as many birthday parties as she likes. The JW family declining to come doesn’t mean she has to adapt to their beliefs, any more than me choosing not to attend an Eid party or similar would mean that they would have to adapt.

The OP is very kindly choosing to try to do so to accommodate a friends she wants to be there. Odd to imply that beliefs are being imposed, as you have.

Lashalicious · 13/03/2018 18:53

Tabby, it’s Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I have to agree with PoorYorick I believe in being respectful of other cultures and beliefs but this is ridiculous.

Lethaldrizzle · 13/03/2018 18:55

Educated- wasn't there mention of removing alcohol?

BookAngel · 13/03/2018 18:55

Is it fair on your daughter to have to pretend it's not her birthday party in order to appease another religious view? It's your daughter's birthday, don't insult her and others by pretending it's not. Have her for tea another day or something.

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