To pretend a birthday party isn’t a birthday party so DDs JW mate can come

[Vapidly]

She’s turning 8. Best mate is JW. She couldn’t come to her 6th birthday party as she isn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays. Her mum phoned to clarify what the party was for and I said her birthday and she apologised and said her DD couldn’t come.

This year she is having another birthday party but smaller. Desperately wants her mate to come. Would it be awful to just have a “party” with no mention of birthday or would it just be tricking the mum?

DD is happy to forego cake at the party and have it later. Plain balloons which don’t say birthday on them and isn’t bothered about gifts or singing happy birthday. Her friend knows it is her birthday and said her mum won’t let her come if it’s called a birthday party. Her other friend is a Muslim girl who is allowed to come as long as no alcohol in the house. We remove it and put it in the garage when she comes over. I have no issues with religion and don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to get one over the JW mum.

What makes a party a birthday party?! AIBU to just have a party and not mention the birthday bit to the mum?

We had a Jehovahs Witness boy in DS1's class - he had a total fun ban, they are not allowed to do anything enjoyable, so awful to watch unfold. This boy eventually left at secondary age to be homeschooled brainwashed further and can now be seen traipsing around miserably trying to convert others to their batshit way of thinking.

Sadly I don't think friendships are really sustainable outside the religion - which again is very sad, the two JW mums in our class were so lovely, it was baffling as to why they were part of it. My kids have friends of all different faiths, we are Atheist - generally I would live and let live and say each to their own even if I don't agree with it, but seeing these kids lead this grey childhood that ends up with them perpetuating this bizarre lifestyle makes me very angry.

In summary though OP I think you are on a road to nowhere with this one and I would encourage your DD to make other friends (or have some covert fun - but bear in mind the punishment for having fun that the child might suffer unless they keep quiet about it).

I'm all for people having their beliefs but this is horrible. No parties, no socialising etc. Fucking horrible.

Poor child, its not fair to have to be excluded from birthday parties.

Poor girl. I wouldn't do his, the girl could end up telling her mum, and she could be banned from playing with your dd.

Lethal Yes for the Muslim child - same concept. OP can line her walls with gin if she wants, but that may mean the Muslim family decline the invite. I might decline an invite to someone’s place if they had stuffed taxidermy animals all over the place, because I find it uncomfortable and disagreeable. Again, up to the OP if she decides to accommodate or not (and again, it sounds like she kindly wants to).

I think seeing if you can do this as a one-off would be a consideration to the DDs friend, but every year would be robbing her of the kind of birthday that she would normally do.

I have worked with Jehovah's Witnesses who I have found to be pleasant people, though the question of birthdays has never come up. As for Christmas, if a person of a different faith or none chooses not to celebrate, I am OK with it.

Poor kid

I'd lie. JW is s batshit religion

Just arrange a separate non birthday gathering for the girl and your dd.
It’s not your fault she can’t come, it’s the parents and attending one sly birthday party is neither here or there. Not worth the ag.

Yes, have the party - don't call it a birthday or a Spring party, assuming your DD is ok with this, just call it a friend's get-together or party or gathering or whatever. The JWs I know do celebrate birthdays in all but name, so unwrapped gifts might be given around birthdays and Xmas, but with no cards or mention of what everyone else is doing it for. But some are stricter than others.

The mum probably won't remember it's your DD's bday tbh.

Batshit it maybe, but overruling another parent who is free to practice whichever religion they like, is not on.

What makes a party a birthday party?! AIBU to just have a party and not mention the birthday bit to the mum?

You must think her to be really stupid.

It's not overruling. It's a party. Either the child can go to a party or they can't.

I think in terms of how you handle it it does matter how many children you are intending to invite. Is it a whole class party, or just your DD, the Muslim little girl and the JW little girl?

I'd ask the mum. (Via email if Google translate would help)

DD would really like best mate to come over but we know she's not allowed to come to birthday parties. Would it be OK if best mate came for tea at our house with some of the dcs as long as we we don't do birthday cake or presents?

Then let the JW mum make the choice where a party is not a party.

If you delayed the party for say a month and then just said it was a party would that work. Poor kid.

It's a birthday party.

Unless you throw it in six months time, all the plain balloons and non singing won't change the fact that it's a birthday celebration, and to be honest, would come across like you think she's a bit of an idiot IMO

Invite the child with openness and honesty, and if they decline maybe invite for tea at a later date.

I do think it’s a tricky situation, and I think the only person who can really make the call is the parent, unfortunately. They might be fine with it being a non-specific get together, they might feel that it is just semantics and that it’s not appropriate for them.

Educated- yep I've done the same- adapt to others' religious beliefs for kids parties etc and yes I find it annoying, whatever the religion, its all a bit nuts to me!

You can't really celebrate a birthday until the actual birthday has arrived (or passed).

Pretending it’s not a birthday party is over ruling their decision for her to not celebrate birthdays.
In JW scripture birthdays are forbidden and a pretty big deal to them.

Lethal, so have I. I have also chosen not to adapt on occasions and accepted that means missing out on certain events/others not being able to come. Just find it odd to say ‘how annoying’ when it’s a completely free choice on the hosts part, and implying that they have to adapt.

I wouldn't lie about it. I'd speak to the mum and ask if it would be ok if she came to a party, say she's keen to have her there so we won't have cards, cake etc and call it a friendship party or something. If the mum says no sorry then don't push it because you don't want her to ban her from being friends! I'm very surprised about the Muslim thing, many of my daughter's friends are Muslim and we have never had that from anyone, the mums check the food for pork products, gelatine in jelly etc. but that's it! It's not like you'd be giving it to the kids.