To pretend a birthday party isn’t a birthday party so DDs JW mate can come

[Vapidly]

She’s turning 8. Best mate is JW. She couldn’t come to her 6th birthday party as she isn’t allowed to celebrate birthdays. Her mum phoned to clarify what the party was for and I said her birthday and she apologised and said her DD couldn’t come.

This year she is having another birthday party but smaller. Desperately wants her mate to come. Would it be awful to just have a “party” with no mention of birthday or would it just be tricking the mum?

DD is happy to forego cake at the party and have it later. Plain balloons which don’t say birthday on them and isn’t bothered about gifts or singing happy birthday. Her friend knows it is her birthday and said her mum won’t let her come if it’s called a birthday party. Her other friend is a Muslim girl who is allowed to come as long as no alcohol in the house. We remove it and put it in the garage when she comes over. I have no issues with religion and don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to get one over the JW mum.

What makes a party a birthday party?! AIBU to just have a party and not mention the birthday bit to the mum?

I Wouldn’t lie to her. It will be her dd, who suffers. You can only talk to her mother and see what she says. Perhaps write her a note so she can translate. Perhaps she will be amenable as per Mayflower. If she says no, you can always do a summer party when the weather improves. That way your dd gets her wish granted in a different way.

You and your daughter sound so considerate and inclusive. I have JW members in my family, so have experience of similar. My approach would be to have a small family birthday celebration, then have a party with friends in a few weeks / months time. I think you would feel easier with that degree of separation, and could explain to the Mum that she’s already had her birthday celebration.

How is "lets lie to the foreign woman with poor english and try to circumvent her religious beliefs and her decisions for her child" in any way considerate or inclusive?

Haven’t RTFT...
But how didn’t you manage to have a conversation with hers here she rang up to enquirer what kind of birthday party it was and said her DD can’t come, if she doesn’t speak much English and you won’t be able to explain the new plan to her?

Have a full on birthday party, go all out on the balloons and cake. Enjoy the day to the utmost. Invite the little girl with an invite and include a written note to her mother, saying what pp have suggested, along the lines, we are having a birthday party for dd. Would love for your dd to come as she is dd’s best friend. I know about the JW rules. But I wanted to extend the invitation in case she is able to come. Our dd treasures her friendship with your dd, thank you, dd’s mother.

I am all for respecting others’ beliefs but this is such a weird hill to die on, not allowing a child to attend a friend’s birthday party.
B I R T H D A Y. Soooooo scary. I’m sorry, it’s ridiculous. I can think of some dumb ones within my own belief system. Common sense. I would definitely not abolish the birthday party, I think that’s the wrong way to go. Being sensitive to another’s beliefs is one thing, but totally changing everything to suit a very ridiculous rule is another.

I feel for the poor girl who is restricted from socialising with most of her peer group. There's a JW child in my dd's class and I'll never forget when they were in reception and the poor kid being dragged out by their mum sobbing their little heart out because it was one of the other kid's birthdays and they'd brought lollies to share with the class. It was heartbreaking to see 30 4/5 year olds upset and bewildered because they couldn't understand why their friend wasn't allowed to have a lolly like they were. Religion should be banned for children until they're old enough to understand and choose for themselves.

As awful as your dd will feel not having her friend at her party you can't lie to the mum. You'd be effectively forcing the girl to lie to her parents about the party which isn't fair on her.

I'd have the party as planned but contact the JW mum and say that you understand her dd can't go to parties but can she come to yours for tea with another friend a couple of weeks after your dd's birthday, or say nothing about the birthday and just invite her round for tea. Asich as you don't agree with the religion you can't try to circumvent it or you risk your dd's friend being banned from speaking to your dd.

It’s tricking the JW Mum and I really doubt she’d fall for it. Could you just ask if they can have a play date shortly after with no mention of birthdays?

Just accept she won't be there. Try for a play date at another time. Daft to host your own dd's party a month later.

Our work Christmas party is called a thank you to the staff party because otherwise the JWs wouldn't be able to come. Everybody knows what it is, they know, we know, but it's a thank you party so we can all go. I think it's a good and thoughtful solution. Have a thank you party or a spring/summer/weather party or a "I've got good grades"/well done for working hard at school party.

I can't help but feel sorry for the poor kid, what kind of a childhood is that? As others have mentioned though I think I'd just have the birthday party without the jw child, don't spoil your own child's birthday. Invite the child round for tea one night instead.

Honestly, no, it's a bit wrong and deceptive. JWs aren't allowed to celebrate anything except a few very specific Christian holidays. Anything else would be against their beliefs. It would be like inviting your dd's Muslim friend, promising there would be no pork or alcohol, but secretly giving her wine and feeling her a sausage roll. If that's their beliefs, that's their beliefs. You can always ask her again to her birthday party, but don't try to deceive her. If your dd really wants to do something special with her, how about inviting her around another day soon after for them to do something special?

You’re bending over backwards so far it’s ridiculous. You can’t lie to the mother, that’s wrong (I know you’re not doing that). Just invite and say in a note you hope she can come even though they have a rule about it. Be honest but respectful. Don’t schedule another time for the birthday but yes have a regular play date later on, fine. That mother needs to think very carefully what her restrictions is costing her daughter.

Are

Of course you shouldn't lie.

As someone who had a JW childhood, I think a lot of you are being pretty unfair and judgemental. As I said before, this is normality for JW children, they don't know anything else. My childhood wasn't awful, it was different. I was totally loved, I got presents, just not at the time everyone else did. Parents tended to throw kids' parties at random times of the year.

Everyone's religious beliefs deserve respect if they don't harm anyone else.

Mindutopia's right: it's deceptive and wrong. I think you have to accept that other people are entitled to practise their religion and this is part of it; you don't have to approve but it's an opportunity of explaining other people's views to your daughter. At 8 I think she's old enough to start understanding this.

Suggest you consider other play-dates and/or parties that aren't celebratory. You could ask the other mother for ideas that would be acceptable.

Agree with you Bluelady in what you’re saying generally, but about the parents throwing the kids’ parties at random times, isn’t that just a way to get around the no birthday rule?

I don't see it that way, to me it's acknowledging that children are entitled to a bit of fun and giving them the chance. The Bible doesn't forbid parties.

I would actually consider having a separate party - you could even say that you would like to have invited her but you respect their wishes. Then a few weeks later invite her for tea. Not having a birthday party means that you are doing the same with your dd as they are doing with their child.

No, you shouldn't lie. Nor should you change how you celebrate family occasions/holidays because of another person's religious beliefs. Small changes are one thing (serving a different meat instead of pork or perhaps deciding to forego alcohol at a meal), but to change the whole meaning of a celebration is another.

This child is being raised JW. She has a years yet ahead of her in which she will have to turn down invitations because of her faith. She'll either learn to do it wholeheartedly because she believes it's the right thing to do, or she'll begin to question the tenets of her religion and make the choice to change once she's an adult.

Well I doubt very much it would be tricking her, as presumably one year on from your daughter’s last birthday party, she could probably work out what the party is for without too much mental strain?

Lol, that's exactly what I was thinking! Presumably she's not daft and she'l realise it was a birthday party at the same time last year!
Hiding the balloons and not letting them have cake there won't fool her unless she's a total wally!

Don't lie, your dd obviously has other friends if she's having a party.
There were kids who couldn't come to parties we organised, I just told mine to move on if they were religious freaks.
Plenty of others to befriend, who wants a friend who can't celebrate anything.

God this thread went a bit bonkers. Sorry went out for football club!

I’m going to email and say it is DDs birthday, she is having a party but we will happily do the cake and presents after her DD is gone and I really hope her DD can make it.

Tea party etc wouldn’t work, her DD is rarely allowed to have play dates.

The phone call was in broken English she asked if Party was birthday party and I said yes and she said sorry she can’t come. It’s a bit easier to explain than the other scenario.

Thank you for input. I’m ignoring the weird pizza/halal post because that cannot be real!

I am respectful of all religions except JW as I have seen first hand how damaging it is. One example that this thread has reminded me of was a little boy in the school I used to work in who wasn't allowed sweets when the others brought them in for birthdays, wasn't allowed to join in Christmas celebrations (although the school went to huge efforts to include him in different ways that weren't offensive to his parents). Never before have I come across a more unhappy, miserable little lad. He never smiled, sadness in his eyes, he'd lash out. That is an horrific thing to inflict on a child. I used to see him, at 7 years old, wandering around on his own in our vast district park, unsupervised, mum and dad thought that was ok apparently. So screwed up. Parents removed him from school eventually and I still think about him. Sorry, didn't mean to derail, but this is such a horrible situation.

OP, I wouldn't lie, just give the option, and if it is refused, perhaps organise something separate for your DD and her friend. All credit to your DD for agreeing to moderate her plans under these circumstances. Good luck with it all!