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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one

100 replies

coffeerequired · 12/03/2018 21:28

I have a friend who I have known for around 4 years. I hadn’t seen her in 2 yrs because when I got pregnant, she pretty much ditched me. I moved away from the area and she never made any effort to meet my son.

Barely any contact, a few phone calls and she never replied to texts, fast forward she asks me to be her bridesmaid. I was shocked, we weren’t close but she tends to isolate herself so probably didn’t have many options. I told her I wasn’t in a position to commit time or money (for hen do etc) so I was probably a bad option - I knew she would be a bridezilla. She said I literally had to show up and wear a dress, she wanted to meet my son and was excited so I agreed.

Fast forward to this weekend. We drive for 5 hours and as we meet up, she is aghast I have brought my son. Apparently she meant that she was excited to meet him - at some point in the future. It wasn’t a “no child” wedding. My husband spent the day running around after the toddler and so forgot to leave the envelope with the wedding present and it came home with us. I hadn’t even realised as we hadn’t unpacked.

I just received a text message saying that she is really hurt by my actions and can’t believe that not only did I bring my son, uninvited but when she was checking guests off against their presents, she discovered that we didn’t give one! She said everyone knows when you attend a wedding you give enough of a present to cover the cost of yourself! She has asked me to rectify the situation for the sake of our friendship and I am actually sat in disbelief. AIBU?! Have I inadvertently made some massive faux pas and wedding presents are tallied against guests to make sure people have given?!

OP posts:
Eggzandbacon · 12/03/2018 21:38

Was there a voucher in the envelope? I'd use it to buy them something really ugly.

divadee · 12/03/2018 21:40

No it's not a faux pas. She is a cheeky fucker. I do not know anyone but entitled grabby people who should have a list and ticks them off. Yes you write a list of who to write thank you letters to but not to demand a bloody present.

I would say it was an error but due to her rudeness you won't be sending it on. She isn't a friend.

tenbob · 12/03/2018 21:42

Block her and move on

No good will ever come of more contact with her (other than for material for CF threads on here...)

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 12/03/2018 21:44

It sounds like a lot of misunderstandings. It would be really rude in my view not to buy a wedding gift for a couple, especially if you're a bridesmaid. Obviously that isn't what's happened here but from her perspective that's what it will look like.

Re your son coming to the wedding, she obviously needed to be clearer about whether or not he was invited, it sounds like crossed wires.

I would text back and say you truly believed your son was invited and that it wasn't at all your intention to go against her wishes. I would also tell her that you're mortified to discover that you forgot to leave a gift (send a photo of it if you can or she may think you're lying to save face).

I do understand why you're upset, but I also think if your friend had posted on here saying she had invited an old friend to be a bridesmaid and the friend had turned up with a child who wasn't invited and hadn't brought a gift, people would be sympathetic to her too.

I think if you explain yourself and apologise for the gift you'll have done your bit - if she doesn't accept your apology it is rude to you after it, then she's being unreasonable and you would be well within your rights to drop her.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 12/03/2018 21:46

Keep the present! You don't have to deal with her as a 'friend' anymore and you can spend the money on something nice for yourself.

Allthewaves · 12/03/2018 21:49

Did u bot check that it was ok to bring your son to the wedding?

Aprilmightmemynewname · 12/03/2018 21:50

Voucher from £1 shop at best.

restingbemusedface · 12/03/2018 21:51

She was incredibly rude about the gift, but I think from her perspective you probably look even more rude. The gift thing was an accident but she didn’t know that. I’m amazed that a bride wouldn’t tell her bridesmaid that it was a no child weddding

shakeyourcaboose · 12/03/2018 21:51

Did you not see her at all before the wedding? Even to try on bridesmaid/wedding dresses? As am.assuming this would have come up in conversation!

LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 21:53

It was unreasonable to assume you could bring your son if his name either wasn't on the invitation or it wasn't addressed to "The coffeerequired Family"

However it's Far more unreasonable and downright rude of her to send a nasty message regarding a gift. I think sometimes people forget what a gift actually is "A gift or a present is an item given to someone without the expectation of payment or return." She expected an item of monetary value from you as payment to attend her wedding. Rude AF honestly.

user1493413286 · 12/03/2018 21:55

Wow, I’m getting married soon and I had no idea that the gifts are supposed to cover the gift of the guests attending! How exciting!
In all seriousness she is incredibly rude both for mentioning about the gift and making you feel uncomfortable about bringing your son. I wouldn’t respond and let the friendship drop.

shakeyourcaboose · 12/03/2018 22:00

Agree though, how rude and bizarre about her contacting you re the gift!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 12/03/2018 22:05

I kept a tally of gifts and who they were from, but it was..
Toaster - the Jones
Kettle - the Smiths
Etc

Never occurred to me to write a list of names of all guests and tick off their gifts!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 12/03/2018 22:08

Send her the gift.
Ignore her in the future.

I think you have now discovered why she asked someone she hadn't spoken to for 2 years to be her Bridesmaid

FlashTheSloth · 12/03/2018 22:11

This is all very odd.

So presumably there was some sort of gap between the wedding and her asking you to be BM, how did she not meet your son then? What did the invitation say? I'm struggling to believe anyone would message demanding their present.

GnotherGnu · 12/03/2018 22:13

It would be really rude in my view not to buy a wedding gift for a couple, especially if you're a bridesmaid. Obviously that isn't what's happened here but from her perspective that's what it will look like.

It doesn't excuse the way she dealt with it. Surely anyone with an ounce of sense would either say nothing or, at most, would make tactful inquiries about whether a present might have gone astray, rather than instantly assuming that it was deliberate?

fuzzywuzzy · 12/03/2018 22:15

I seriously cannot imagine ever calling up a wedding guest and demanding a gift from them!

Who does that?

Is she very hard up or something?

Send her the gift or not, her I’d ignore her from here on. I think that friendship has run its course.

honeyroar · 12/03/2018 22:17

Id send her a present, possibly something rubbish, but I'd put a note in that i wasn't doing this for the sake of the friendship because i consider the friendship finished. Then breath a sigh of relief, block and get on with your life.

dinosaurkisses · 12/03/2018 22:21

I don't think there's anything wrong with her initially reaching out about the gift- I did something similar when I realised we didn't have a card from a school friend of mine at our wedding.

I was doing thank you cards and didn't want to leave her out in case she thought I was being passive aggressive about the lack of gift, and there was the possibility it had gone missing during the day. She didn't bring one and that was fine- a bit odd given its tradition to give a card (not necessarily a gift) but not warranting the reaction the op got from her friend!

NymeriaStark · 12/03/2018 22:22

It would be really rude in my view not to buy a wedding gift for a couple

Not as rude as the bride asking where her gift was!

BackforGood · 12/03/2018 22:23
  1. You were incredibly rude taking a child to a wedding unless they had been specifically invited
  2. From her pov (she wasn't to know you tok the cash / cheque / voucher on a road trip and brought it back with you), it does look like you didn't give a present, which ^would have been rude of you
  3. She is incredibly entitled to think people ought to 'cover their plate', and not understand that people give as they are able, and it is up to the hosts to cover the cost of the wedding and the guests to bring a gift. The value of them aren't related at all.
  4. She is incredibly rude for then demanding you give a present.
When we got married, there were a couple of people who didn't give us a present (I wasn't ticking off a list, I was ensuring I wrote a 'thank you card' to everyone who generously gave us a gift), but that was fine by me I'd invited people because I wanted them there, not because I wanted anything from them.

Sounds a really weird dynamic all round, with neither of you coming up smelling of roses, tbh.

AlannaOfTrebond · 12/03/2018 22:27

I would see the obligation to give a gift the other way round. A member of the bridal party who has spent time and money to attend the wedding, plus contributing to stag/hen do's and all the other associated palaver has more than done their part and no other gift is necessary.

Gide · 12/03/2018 22:28

Unless your child was on the invitation, yabvu. I’d be fuming about that bit, especially when you say your dh was running round after him! Shock Couldn’t care less about the gift or lack thereof.

bastardkitty · 12/03/2018 22:28

Block and move on. She's no friend of yours.

DustyCropHopper · 12/03/2018 22:30

The only tally of gifts I made was so that I could send thank you notes, certainly not to check all guests sent a gift.