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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another wedding one

100 replies

coffeerequired · 12/03/2018 21:28

I have a friend who I have known for around 4 years. I hadn’t seen her in 2 yrs because when I got pregnant, she pretty much ditched me. I moved away from the area and she never made any effort to meet my son.

Barely any contact, a few phone calls and she never replied to texts, fast forward she asks me to be her bridesmaid. I was shocked, we weren’t close but she tends to isolate herself so probably didn’t have many options. I told her I wasn’t in a position to commit time or money (for hen do etc) so I was probably a bad option - I knew she would be a bridezilla. She said I literally had to show up and wear a dress, she wanted to meet my son and was excited so I agreed.

Fast forward to this weekend. We drive for 5 hours and as we meet up, she is aghast I have brought my son. Apparently she meant that she was excited to meet him - at some point in the future. It wasn’t a “no child” wedding. My husband spent the day running around after the toddler and so forgot to leave the envelope with the wedding present and it came home with us. I hadn’t even realised as we hadn’t unpacked.

I just received a text message saying that she is really hurt by my actions and can’t believe that not only did I bring my son, uninvited but when she was checking guests off against their presents, she discovered that we didn’t give one! She said everyone knows when you attend a wedding you give enough of a present to cover the cost of yourself! She has asked me to rectify the situation for the sake of our friendship and I am actually sat in disbelief. AIBU?! Have I inadvertently made some massive faux pas and wedding presents are tallied against guests to make sure people have given?!

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2018 23:49

Very good point about the BM gift. Perhaps the OP could send this

"I was glad to get your text as I was wondering how to bring up my disappointment at the lack of a gift from you. As I am sure you are aware, it is traditional for the bride to give gifts to her bridesmaids and I was very hurt when I realised that you were not planning on doing this. Therefore I shall keep the gift we had got for you (and accidentally brought home with us again...) and then we are quits! Enjoy your honeymoon :) "

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 00:01

It sounds like a misunderstanding where the DS is concerned, the bride said she was excited about meeting him, the OP assumed she meant at the wedding whereas the bride meant at some point in the future. That's the sort of thing that needs to be talked about, it doesn't sound like a lot of talking happened basically.

CherryMaDeary · 13/03/2018 00:13

You were clearly invited to make up numbers (hence having to cover your meal cost) and to show she has friends.

I wouldn't send a penny and block and delete her.

lazyarse123 · 13/03/2018 05:40

I would ignore her she's a cheeky mare. I'm not a fan of child free weddings anyway. I made a list for thank you cards and also to put in my wedding album.

Shadow666 · 13/03/2018 05:51

Text back “I definitely left a gift. Perhaps one of the other guests swapped the card.” Then, delete, block and move on.

TeisanLap · 13/03/2018 05:56

d in fact get you a gift but DH and I each thought that the other one had given it to you. I have it in front of me right now. However due to your appalling rudeness I wont be sending it on. I didnt want to be your bridesmaid but gave in to your persuasions when I realised that you dont have any other friends to ask. Now I know why."

The perfect reply.

StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2018 06:06

" I’m amazed that a bride wouldn’t tell her bridesmaid that it was a no child wedding"

It wasn't a child-free wedding. The op says that.

The bride asked op to be her bridesmaid and said she was looking forward toeeting ops son. It's not a huge leap of logic to assume she meant at the wedding itself.

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 13/03/2018 06:14

I think you were incredibly rude and I don't believe for a second your DH 'forgot' to leave the gift. And if your child was not invited to the wedding, even worse behaviour.

Considering you weren't really friends at the time of her asking you, you should have just said no. But you didn't and you committed. I would never 'chase' a gift but I'd be incredibly hurt that someone close enough to be a bridesmaid wouldn't even bother with a nice card/gift.

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 13/03/2018 06:16

Bridesmaids GET a gift, not give one.

StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2018 06:31

"please be my bridesmaid... Looking forward to meeting your ds"

Fugitivefrombrusstice · 13/03/2018 06:41

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and every time I got the couple a gift. It would never have occurred to me not to - usually when you're a BM you are very close to the bride, so regardless of any rule or expectation I would have thought you'd want to give her something special!

That said I've also been given a gift every time, and OP doesn't say here whether she was.

I agree with PPs - both of you were rude (albeit OP's rudeness seems to be based on miscommunication and forgetfulness). If you care about the friendship OP apologise for your part and send the gift. If you don't, ignore and move on.

FlouncyDoves · 13/03/2018 06:50

Reply and say ‘how much do I owe you?’ See if she comes back CF.

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 13/03/2018 07:02

I'm dead against gaslighting but with this weirdo I'd probably do it just to confuse. Tell her she's the one bang out of order for demands and attitude and as far as ypu knew the purpose of a guest is not to subsidise the event.
Oh wait that's not gaslighting. Just be blunt tell her she's out of line, she implied an invite AND she wont be hearing from you again.
Keep the gift. Silly mare.

sonyaya · 13/03/2018 07:33

You should never “assume” anyone is invited to a wedding. I’m sure OP didn’t deliberately take an uninvited child but “I look forward to meeting your son” is not an invitation to the wedding and it was unreasonable to assume it was, and rude to turn up without double checking.

Shadow666 · 13/03/2018 07:39

It’s considered good manners to write a note on wedding invitations if it is a child-free wedding.

Blondielongie · 13/03/2018 07:47

I'm a bit at her calling you about the wedding present. Who paid for your dress?

TroubledLichen · 13/03/2018 08:04

she is shockingly rude with the demand for a present but I’m not convinced you’re entirely in the right here either. Surely the invitation was only addressed to you and your DH yet you brought your son anyway? And to forget to leave a gift is rude too, although the bride should never, ever have commented on this.

YvonneGoolagongsDugongDoug · 13/03/2018 08:17

I would send something like, "I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I took your saying you were looking forward to meeting (DS) to mean that we would be bringing him to meet you. It is normal etiquette for the bride to give the bridesmaid a present, not the other way around. I believe you are rude and our friendship is at an end. Have a nice life but leave me out of it"

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 08:20

Did the OP ever see an official invitation at all? It sounds as if possibly not, those of you who assume she must have known it was child-free need to stop labouring the point. It sounds like a miscommunication.

TheRebel · 13/03/2018 08:44

Text back “I definitely left a gift. Perhaps one of the other guests swapped the card.” Then, delete, block and move on.

^this

Also, I always thought that children of the bridal party were allowed at child free weddings, especially if it’s some distance away from where they live.

You did her the favour of being her bridesmaid, let’s be honest she just wanted to look like she was popular and you obliged her so she should consider that her gift.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 13/03/2018 08:46

"To forget to leave a gift is rude, too."

No, entitled Princess behaviour is rude
A gift is voluntary not obligation.

Titaniumpins · 13/03/2018 08:51

There was clear ly a misunderstanding with regards to your child attending but thats a bit of a grey area you should have askked, she should have been clear. Of course it looks like you didn't give her a gift (why didn't you text her when you realised?). Anyway regardless it was incredibly rude of her to demand a gift to cover your cost. As anyone knows its expensive to attend someones wedding with drinks, oufit, gift and sometimes an overight stay.

I suppose now you need to think hwo much do I value this friendshhip and that will give you your next move? She doesnt sound like a close friend?

schrodingerstwat · 13/03/2018 08:55

To the people saying the OP was rude to bring her son...did you read the bit where bridezilla says:

"She said I literally had to show up and wear a dress, she wanted to meet my son and was excited so I agreed." ???

FFS! Sometimes the replies to some of these wedding posts scream loud as cannon fire who the fucking bridezillas on THIS page are!!

StealthPolarBear · 13/03/2018 08:59

It wasnt a child free wedding. That is in the op.

TheRebel · 13/03/2018 09:06

I’ve just reread the op and seen that it wasn’t a no child wedding, so this CF invited children, but not the child of her bridesmaid? She definitely doesn’t deserve a gift!

When will people learn that weddings are not a way to make money? If you have a wedding it will cost you more than you get back in gifts.

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