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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one

100 replies

coffeerequired · 12/03/2018 21:28

I have a friend who I have known for around 4 years. I hadn’t seen her in 2 yrs because when I got pregnant, she pretty much ditched me. I moved away from the area and she never made any effort to meet my son.

Barely any contact, a few phone calls and she never replied to texts, fast forward she asks me to be her bridesmaid. I was shocked, we weren’t close but she tends to isolate herself so probably didn’t have many options. I told her I wasn’t in a position to commit time or money (for hen do etc) so I was probably a bad option - I knew she would be a bridezilla. She said I literally had to show up and wear a dress, she wanted to meet my son and was excited so I agreed.

Fast forward to this weekend. We drive for 5 hours and as we meet up, she is aghast I have brought my son. Apparently she meant that she was excited to meet him - at some point in the future. It wasn’t a “no child” wedding. My husband spent the day running around after the toddler and so forgot to leave the envelope with the wedding present and it came home with us. I hadn’t even realised as we hadn’t unpacked.

I just received a text message saying that she is really hurt by my actions and can’t believe that not only did I bring my son, uninvited but when she was checking guests off against their presents, she discovered that we didn’t give one! She said everyone knows when you attend a wedding you give enough of a present to cover the cost of yourself! She has asked me to rectify the situation for the sake of our friendship and I am actually sat in disbelief. AIBU?! Have I inadvertently made some massive faux pas and wedding presents are tallied against guests to make sure people have given?!

OP posts:
pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 22:30

That was really bad form of her.

But you were pretty bad yourself. You didn't even like her, didn't know her very well and agreed to be bridesmaid and then acted pretty badly.

Neither of you come off well in this.

MarthasGinYard · 12/03/2018 22:33

Truly odd from start to finish

tenbob · 12/03/2018 22:34

Would OP have received a written invitation?
I haven't had one when I've been a bridesmaid, and I didn't give them to the bridal party and close family when I got married because they didn't need a piece of card to know the time and venue!

Clearly there have been crossed wires about what the bride meant when she said she was excited about meeting OP's son so she didn't intentionally dig him uninvited Hmm

dinosaurkisses · 12/03/2018 22:34

@dustycrophopper - exactly! I sent thank yous to everyone, including to people who had given us a card and no gift- I just thanked them for their lovely card and warm wishes.

The friend I text about the "missing" present is the type of person that if they'd received a thank you card thanking her for a gift she didn't give, she'd definitely think it was me being passive aggressive rather than me just covering my bases with a generic thank you.

sonyaya · 12/03/2018 22:36

I think you’ve both been rude - you taking your son without an explicit invitation, and her being so crass as to mention the lack of gift.

ConstantReminder · 12/03/2018 22:37

Too weird.
She said was excited to meet your son, you brought him to meet her and she goes ballistic?
Not appropriate not to give a gift, but certainly not appropriate to ask for one!
Sounds like she invited you just to get a gift.
Cut and run.

margotsdevil · 12/03/2018 22:44

Our wedding was child free for several reasons. Invites were specifically written to couples and there were no children listed or "and family" on envelopes. Amazing how many people thought they were still invited Hmm

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2018 22:44

Bridesmaids dont get invitations ime and "I cant wait to meet your son" does imply that said son would be with the OP at the wedding so hardly the OP's fault on that one. At the very worst it was a misunderstanding.

As for Giftgate "We did in fact get you a gift but DH and I each thought that the other one had given it to you. I have it in front of me right now. However due to your appalling rudeness I wont be sending it on. I didnt want to be your bridesmaid but gave in to your persuasions when I realised that you dont have any other friends to ask. Now I know why."

expatinscotland · 12/03/2018 22:45

Block and move on.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2018 22:47

Just a thought....are you high earners (or high compared to her and her DH?) She may have had you down as a generous gift giver and was banking on a nice fat cheque towards her costs (cancel the cheque MNer, and another male guest, was invited to that wedding purely because of her bank balance as I recall).

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 22:50

I actually didn't know who had or hadn't given a gift until after DH and I got back from our honeymoon, so I'm quite surprised you hadn't sent a text message apologising about having taken their gift back home with you before she found out she hadn't received one from you.

It sounds like a misunderstanding where your DS is concerned, though I think you should have checked. Most weddings seem to be childfree these days (that wasn't the case when DH and I got married 15 years ago).

You don't seem to like her much, so it's o great loss really. Hmm

Viviennemary · 12/03/2018 22:55

You shouldn't have taken your child to the wedding if he wasn't invited. And if he wasn't invited you should have declined the invitation rather than rock up toddler in tow. You were remiss to take the present back with you. And your friend was cheeky for asking. You both sound fairly rude and selfish tbh.

ColdCottage · 12/03/2018 22:56

I'd text her a picture of the card and gift explaining that it came home again by mistake (I've done this at so many weddings).

Then depending on how you feel post it to her or return it.

By the sound of her behaviour I'd probably return it and just send her the card with a note saying you are sad that she acted the way she did. She sounds like a user to me. Only do the above if you don't want to maintain the friendship. If you want to keep it up just send her the gift and draw a line under it all

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/03/2018 23:11

It's a fairly odd situation all in all, but I think PPs are wrong in saying OP and bride are as bad/rude as each other. What the OP did wrong was more clumsiness. The bride was out-and-out rude, grabby and spoilt. I think it way outways the OP's "crimes" of not realizing her child wasn't invited and forgetting the gift.

I find it odd that the bridesmaid was able to just rock up on the day (no dress shopping or fittings?), and the bride was kind to give her a "pass" for the hen.

Coffee, it's up to you what you do next. Do you want to keep the friendship or never see her again? Depending on that will lead how you respond next, I think.

Rachie1973 · 12/03/2018 23:12

She has asked me to rectify the situation for the sake of our friendship and I am actually sat in disbelief.

LOL! That is all. Cut her off!

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2018 23:12

I'm quite surprised you hadn't sent a text message apologising about having taken their gift back home with you before she found out she hadn't received one from you.

The Op said that they hadnt even unpacked from the trip before they got the message. I think we can safely assume that the first thing the bride did was count up her booty.

Loobyloomicles · 12/03/2018 23:14

I don't understand how she hadn't communicated that your son wasn't invited - did she not send out menu choices etc beforehand? Or was it a buffet? I'm obviously a completely controlling beatch, but I knew exactly how many children were attending our wedding (plus names and ages to make appropriate activity packs) because I did that strange old thing of asking people. Confused

My thoughts are that she sounds like a complete user. I'd give her the bloody present, just to give myself the moral high ground. Then I'd never have anything to do with her again, someone who only invites guests as a way of getting presents isn't someone you need in your life....

SpringEquinox · 12/03/2018 23:14

My daughter is getting married soon and she certainly isn't expecting a gift from the bridesmaids - they are already doing her a favour by taking part in the formalities and supporting her .

Chasing up those who don't give a present ? I think I have heard it all now in terms of rudeness and misplaced entitlement. 🙁

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 23:22

@PyongyangKipperbang Yes, true enough. I actually find it quite hard to imagine really. The last thing on my mind just after the wedding was worrying about the presents. And when we did unwrap them after our honeymoon my only concern was making sure we thanked everyone. Very sad, that kind of attitude. Sad

tenbob · 12/03/2018 23:28

looby

I've never been sent menu options before a wedding. There is normally a request to notify them of any dietary requirements with the RSVP, but not an actual 'chicken or fish' choice

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/03/2018 23:29

And I bet there was a poem ...........

BackforGood · 12/03/2018 23:38

No, but if OP was bridesmaid, she will have spent some time engaging with the bride beforehand - arrangements about the dress as a very minimum. she wasn't in a position where she just received a card in the post, posted it back and turned up like some guests might have.

RoomOfRequirement · 12/03/2018 23:43

Surely Bridesmaids don't give gifts? The bride gives you one! At least that's what happened at my wedding! My bridesmaids did so much for me I'd have hated for them to think they had to get me a gift too.

Also we did have a list of guests and matched to gifts, but only because we wanted to write personalised thank you cards. Would never have dreamed of calling someone asking for a gift.

Ywbu to take your son to the wedding if he wasn't invited though. Surprised we haven't had a thread on here from her calling you a CF Wink

TotHappy · 12/03/2018 23:44

It's not that rude to bring a child to a wedding! The way some people write on here youd think it was like bringing a pet tarantula! I dont really agree with child free weddings at all, but if you're going to have one, state it on the invites so there's no confusion! In ops place i def would have thought my child was welcome!

blackteasplease · 12/03/2018 23:44

I agree with the consensus that she is very rude to demand a gift etc

Just as a matter of etiquette, I'm 99% sure that members of the bridal party, especially bridesmaids, don't give a gift. Bridesmaids are traditionally given a gift !

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