Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Another wedding one

100 replies

coffeerequired · 12/03/2018 21:28

I have a friend who I have known for around 4 years. I hadn’t seen her in 2 yrs because when I got pregnant, she pretty much ditched me. I moved away from the area and she never made any effort to meet my son.

Barely any contact, a few phone calls and she never replied to texts, fast forward she asks me to be her bridesmaid. I was shocked, we weren’t close but she tends to isolate herself so probably didn’t have many options. I told her I wasn’t in a position to commit time or money (for hen do etc) so I was probably a bad option - I knew she would be a bridezilla. She said I literally had to show up and wear a dress, she wanted to meet my son and was excited so I agreed.

Fast forward to this weekend. We drive for 5 hours and as we meet up, she is aghast I have brought my son. Apparently she meant that she was excited to meet him - at some point in the future. It wasn’t a “no child” wedding. My husband spent the day running around after the toddler and so forgot to leave the envelope with the wedding present and it came home with us. I hadn’t even realised as we hadn’t unpacked.

I just received a text message saying that she is really hurt by my actions and can’t believe that not only did I bring my son, uninvited but when she was checking guests off against their presents, she discovered that we didn’t give one! She said everyone knows when you attend a wedding you give enough of a present to cover the cost of yourself! She has asked me to rectify the situation for the sake of our friendship and I am actually sat in disbelief. AIBU?! Have I inadvertently made some massive faux pas and wedding presents are tallied against guests to make sure people have given?!

OP posts:

TroubledLichen · 13/03/2018 09:26

Why is whether or not it’s a child free wedding relevant? I’ve been to plenty of weddings where only the children of family have been invited. And yes I was once a bridesmaid where my DD wasn’t invited even though it strictly speaking wasn’t a child-free wedding. The bride & groom didn’t really want any kids but felt they had to invite their nieces. And there was one little boy who had come from Australia with his parents, they came for the week and it wouldn’t have been possible to get a sitter so he was welcome. I wasn’t upset about this at all, in fact it was nice to have some adult time and I would have left DD with Grandma even if she had been included on the invite. The OPs son presumably wasn’t named on the invite so it was definitely a stretch to assume he was invited.

Bride sounds like a total bridezilla and really obnoxious though.

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 09:27

It wasn't a child-free wedding, the bride said she wanted to meet the child. Why are people banging on about that point????

Snoringhouselion · 13/03/2018 09:36

Was the op a bridesmaid? That's not how I read the original post. I thought that, having declined the bridesmaid role she was told she had to at least sure up and wear a dress.

bastardkitty · 13/03/2018 09:37

RTFT then!

GrannyGrissle · 13/03/2018 10:07

Dinosaurkisses 'reaching out' yuk her clammy grabbing CF claw.
Bin her off OP and sod sending a gift.

Trinity66 · 13/03/2018 10:14

She sounds like an asshole, I would send her enough to cover your meal and never contact her again tbh

Motoko · 13/03/2018 10:41

OP, are you there?

sonyaya · 13/03/2018 12:00

It wasn't a child-free wedding, the bride said she wanted to meet the child. Why are people banging on about that point????

Because

A) the fact it wasn’t a child free wedding isn’t the point. Lots of people, such as me and my husband, invited some children eg family so it wasn’t child free. It didn’t mean it was a free for all for anyone to bring their child (there were about 70 children of our guests)

And

B) because this child was not invited. I don’t understand why people are suggesting he/she was. There are any number of people I might say I would like to meet, it doesn’t equate to them being invited to my wedding. It is not an invitation and I cannot see why people are saying it was. I can see that it caused the OP to assume, but she was wrong to do so.

Original poster

coffeerequired · 13/03/2018 12:07

I wish people would RTFT! I got send an asos dress via the post to try on for the bridesmaids dress. They live in one place, me another and the wedding was yet in another part of the country. It was all very rushed hence no meeting up. I scrolled through my messages last night and I had even said to her I got my son a lovely outfit for the day! And no we didn’t get an invited, she kept calling us by our surname so the “coffeesrequired” ie can’t wait to see the coffeesrequired! So yeah I did assume my son!

Anyway, I am more hurt that she thought I would not give a gift. She knows I am generous, would often pay for her drinks etc if we had been out. She would reciprocate. I would say they are more high earning than us by far so she isn’t in dire straits.

OP posts:

Spidergirl999 · 13/03/2018 12:07

WTF. I can’t get my head round there are people like this. You don’t need her in your life. Block and move on.

With regards to taking your child. Sounds like a misunderstanding which ok is a bit awkward but not the end of the world. Especially if there were other children there.

blueskyinmarch · 13/03/2018 12:11

It's not like a 2yo would take up much room or need a full dinner.

I would send her the gift with your apologies then back the hell off!

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/03/2018 12:14

Sounds like she has no close friends and was just using you to be a bridesmaid to save face.

I really wouldn't worry about it, you probably won't hear from her again.

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 12:25

It really does sound like misunderstandings all round and not the way to organise the wedding. I spent a long time on the table plan so I knew exactly which children were going to need high chairs.

This all sounds like chaos. And surely she would be flexible where the bridesmaid is concerned? She wouldn't want her to pull out because of a childcare issue, would she?

MarthasGinYard · 13/03/2018 12:41

'I have a friend who I have known for around 4 years. I hadn’t seen her in 2 yrs because when I got pregnant, she pretty much ditched me. I moved away from the area and she never made any effort to meet my son.'

So affectively you were 'friends' for a couple of years.

She obviously asked you as she had no one else

You should have said no

You didn't

Don't sweat it, move on.

It wasn't much of a friendship anyway.

Original poster

coffeerequired · 13/03/2018 13:08

True, I shouldn’t sweat it. I messaged her and explained myself and apologised for how it looked. I prob shouldn’t have accepted to do it but thought she was trying to reconnect. Oh well.

OP posts:

Shadow666 · 13/03/2018 13:16

Hopefully she will apologize back. Really don’t think you did anything wrong OP.

Motoko · 13/03/2018 13:41

I think most people would assume the child was invited after she told OP that she was looking forward to meeting her son. Especially as OP told her about getting him a nice outfit to wear on the day. She should have spoken up then.

She's been incredibly rude demanding a present. It's only on here that I heard about the "presents should cover the cost of the meal" thing, and even when that's mentioned, it's obvious by the replies that it's not a universal thing.

Up to you if you send her present on, but I suspect you won't hear from her again after this even if you do.

EnglishRose13 · 13/03/2018 14:29

Her behaviour is completely unreasonable.

I've been involved in a wedding where I was the only bridesmaid to give a present!

Please do not send her any form of gift. She clearly does not value you or your friendship. You will not hear from her again. The friendship is over regardless.

BackforGood · 13/03/2018 20:49

It’s considered good manners to write a note on wedding invitations if it is a child-free wedding

Absolute poppycock.
In my world, it is considered polite to only assume the individuals named on the invitation are invited.
This wasn't a child free wedding as it happened, but it doesn't mean the B&G have to invite all guests' children.

(Sorry OP, I know your whole set of weird circumstances has moved on from this point now, and you didn't get an invitation - I have RTfullT , but I had to reply to this earlier post.

PilatesSuck · 13/03/2018 21:05

So she knew you said you had got a lovely outfit for your son for the day yet still neglected to correct you that he wasnt invited? On top of implying that your whole family was and saying she wanted to meet him.

I would have apologised for the gift (though not now) but not for that. It is pretty obvious why she has no friends and had to ask someone who now was a stranger to be bridesmaid. High maintenance.

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 21:11

It's also to do with numbers at a sit down reception. DH and I did allow children at our wedding, because we had friends who couldn't have got there otherwise. But I knew exactly who was coming, and arranged for highchairs for the toddlers that we knew were going to be there.

If a friend showed up with a toddler that we hadn't accounted for in the numbers that would have been very annoying but I wouldn't have made an issue out of it. But then I would have checked in advance to stop that from happening. I spent ages on the table plan and confirmed with our friends who was coming to avoid such a scenario, and it worked fine.

cucaracha · 13/03/2018 21:26

Do not give that CF anything! How rude to even mention the lack of gift, and the minimum value she expects.

At worst it was miscommunication, it wasn't very clear that your son was not invited.

It's traditional to give wedding gifts, but it's not the law, and when you are a bridesmaid you are usually not expected to give one.

Banana8080 · 13/03/2018 21:32

Explain child was misunderstand and that present on the kitchen table (send her pic). Then never speak to her again. You are better than what this friendship offers.

Panda81 · 13/03/2018 23:01

when you are a bridesmaid you are usually not expected to give one.

Whaaaat. I've been an adult bridesmaid 4 times and always given money/gift on top of any extra money I've spent already for the honour of being a BM. Wish I'd known this

cucaracha · 14/03/2018 09:19

We normally do a "bridesmaid" token gift, but as the bridesmaid have usually paid for the hen do or the bridal shower, no they don't normally buy a gift on top as another guest would. They can if they really want to, but they have already done their bit and the bride never expects anything. I am sure some GF will, but most brides don't.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread