DM keeps calling me an "abusive" parent

[boboismylove]

My DM has repeatedly called me an abusive parent. She is horrified that I co-sleep with my 11 month old, and thinks he should be in nursery. She said I need to "separate" myself from him and that its "abusive" to keep him relying on me. She was also having a go at me for breastfeeding too much as he was slow weaning, but he eats a lot now.
When I get upset when she haves a go at me, then she calls me "abusive" again for getting upset in front of the baby.

I'm a lone parent working p/t nights from home, and me and my baby are very happy.

I just don't know how she can casually use such language. Its really upsetting me.

She's talking rubbish OP.

I’d honestly tell her to back the fuck off. He’s still a baby! Do what you’re doing

There IS an abusive mother in your family.
Hint - it's not you.

How lucky your little boy is, to have such a natural and instinctive mother who is able to really love and enjoy him despite the dreadful examples set by previous generations :) I find your love and confidence in your parent-child relationship genuinely heartwarming. What a shame your own mum is such a twisted fuck.

she sounds like a fucking arsehole and i'd tell her so and get her out of your life for the time being tbh

Your mother sounds like a nightmare. Lots of sympathy from me - my mother is currently making me miserable because I'm mostly co-sleeping with my (only just turned) two year old, because she's grown out of her cot and I can't face the expense of a toddler bed just yet (I'm a single mum and my mother never bloody stops with the "you have to buy this/ that" ). Apparently all DD's friends will bully her, even though all her friends are currently at the "just stringing two words together" stage and don't say much apart from "want biscuit" . Some days I just want to go back to bed and die, so it must be a lot worse for you

You are doing things differently to her, which she finds threatening. If you don’t want to go no contact or low contact then simply don’t tell her about any niggles you are having with your child. She doesn’t need to know that you co-sleep, don’t mention sleep regression. Stick to the weather and other less controversial topics.

You mum is horrible! You need to shut her out your life or tell her as little as she needs to know

Next time tilt your head and wink, then say, heh Mum, I won’t criticise your parenting if you don’t criticise mine, OK?

I guess her background gives a clue as to why she is so fearful of any parenting difference though, and the outsourcing may be because she was afraid of getting it wrong.

In fact, a kinder response would be ‘its ok Mum, I got this, I had great parents, remember? So I know what I’m doing’.

How old is she? It used to be that if you didn't strictly control how long each BF lasted and stop bf'ing at x age you were spoiling your child and this was seen as a cruel thing to do. Sometimes SS would even visit about it! This was the 50's/60's though. Even if she is 70+ Though it's no excuse. Have you explained times have moved on quite substantially???
My nan is in her late 80's and I was when I learned this but even she told me in a "weren't we ridiculous" way, not a "you should do this" way:

Anxious perhaps your mum should buy the next bed if she’s so bothered about it.

OP you are doing fine. Practise some phrases to end the conversation, be more unavailable so she has less chance to say hurtful things and make sure you have your own support network to turn to if you need help. This will help you avoid turning to her at vulnerable times.

My own DM regularly told me I was getting it all wrong and I was racked with guilt about my parenting skills. I also suffered from terrible PND my own DM and my then DH used to join forces to tell me how rubbish a mother I was.

I divorced him. Inevitably my DM couldn't understand why I did that as she thought we made a lovely couple. He was a serial adulterer and emotionally abusive. It took me years to realise that I was a good mum, and that far from setting me a good example my own DPs were controlling and selfish. In fact it was my DSis who finally opened my eyes to this fairly recently. It has brought a kind of freedom as I’d totally bought in to the smug lie that I was fed growing up that everything they did was for our own good.

You sound like a really good mum. Report your DM to the HV for the record then just try have as little contact with her as possible as she sounds abusive.

My mum was adopted and wasn't very happy, and my dad was mostly raised by his grandmother. I would say they are projecting their issues with their parents "abandonment" of them, onto you.

Neither of them had a relationship of any worth with their parents and so they possibly believe - by you having what they didn't have with their parents - that your relationship is harmful for your child.

It certainly is not harmful, and definitely NOT abusive.

When they start on these rants simply hang up the phone. You can try telling them they are wrong, but it sounds like it will not be easy. I'd say "I don't need to listen to this nonsense" and hang up.

You owe them nothing, op, nothing at all.

Id keep you and your ds as far away from your 'd'm as possible

Id really go no contact over this type of nonesense as it will effect your child as they start to be able to understand. Having your parenting undermined in front of your child is awful.

If you continue to see her just bare in mind that she is not correct. No one external would agree with what she is saying. You have seen that clearly on here. So do not get angry or engage with her when she says such crazy things... just totally cut her dead and ignore her. You do not even have to think about the things she says. Shes unhinged and dont start to doubt yourself because that is what she wants. She essentially wants to control you and keep you reliant or engaged by her 'opinions' She can only do that by making you feel bad about yourself.
If you cant bring yourself to have no contact at all with her, at the very least please do not take on board anything she says of this nature.
Id really suggest that you do not allow her alone around your child though. She does not sound like a supportive or nurturing person and could cause a lot of emotional damage to your child.