DM keeps calling me an "abusive" parent

[boboismylove]

My DM has repeatedly called me an abusive parent. She is horrified that I co-sleep with my 11 month old, and thinks he should be in nursery. She said I need to "separate" myself from him and that its "abusive" to keep him relying on me. She was also having a go at me for breastfeeding too much as he was slow weaning, but he eats a lot now.
When I get upset when she haves a go at me, then she calls me "abusive" again for getting upset in front of the baby.

I'm a lone parent working p/t nights from home, and me and my baby are very happy.

I just don't know how she can casually use such language. Its really upsetting me.

[IfNot]

God. Ignore her, and see her as little as possible. You sound like you are doing fabulously! I found being a lone parent of a baby hard, and could have done without the judgemental comments of older relatives myself, so just know that your instincts to co sleep are fine (as long as you are doing it safely).
And you're earning money for your family, so you are ahead of the game!
I miss sleeping with my little one, enjoy it and give yourself a pat on the back.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

I agree with Fizzy - health visitor support could really help you. Just tell your HV in simple terms that you are feeling calm & confident in your parenting but that your mother is criticising you in quite extreme terms. Ask for her reassurance that your choices are appropriate (which they are) and then tell your mother that you have checked with a professional because you were concerned by what she was saying and it turns out she is WRONG & can shut the fuck up now.
Don’t let her really dent your confidence.

[Eveforever]

I don't think your mother knows what she is talking about and I think it is very wrong of her to be throwing around such a serious word/accusation for apparently no reason. Have you actually challenged her about calling you abusive? Has she always been so unsupportive and difficult or did this begin when you got pregnant?

[Thehamsterspajamas]

Good grief. She is being abusive to you spouting this total nonsense. Of course your baby relies on you. He’s supposed to because he’s s baby ffs. There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to nursery. It’s what suits you and DS that matters.

I agree that her behaviour comes from deep feeling such as envy, jealousy, anger that you are doing a great job and disproving her negative predictions of how you’d cope as a parent.

She needs to know you aren’t prepared to listen to these comments again and that you absolutely won’t tolerate them.

You sounds like you are a wonderful parent and she should be proud of you. Do not get sucked into listening to any more of this utter shit.

[Peartree17]

Please tell her to sod off. Seriously. My mother is lovely, but has no boundaries at all where her grandchildren are concerned, and has been horribly critical and - strangely enough - abused her closeness. I eventually stood up to her and she backed off. It would have saved YEARS of anguish if I'd done it earlier!

[Blackteadrinker77]

How does she enhance your life?

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

Oh bobo yiu sounds like you are doing everything right and I agree PPs who say that she may feel as though yiu are criticising her parenting choices but that’s not something she should be punishing you for.

Co-sleeping is actually the safest way for a baby to sleep as long as you follow the guidelines. I co-slept with both of mine and both now happily sleep in their own bed.

There’s also been research that says that some Nursery after 3 years can be beneficial if it’s a good setting but before this time, they are best with Mum. Not an option available to everyone obviously but you are definitely not harming him by keeping him with you.

Bfing is recommended for a minimum of 2 years. Anyone who tries to persuade you to stop has no business getting involved. It’s between you and baby and as long as you’re both happy to continue, that’s fine.

If you do want to start going to a group, have a look to see if there is a La Leche League near to you, they should be supportive of your choices. I liked our local NCT group too. Your local library might have some free sessions on too

[nursy1]

You sound a lovely parent. She is nuts. Don’t talk to her.
As for playgroup. Plenty of time for that, an 11 month old needs a relationship with parents and siblings.

[nursy1]

I would definitely second the suggestion you go along to local La Leche if you can. You will find a lot of support there.

[WombOfOnesOwn]

Your mother and my mother should meet and compare notes about their terrible, abusive daughters!

My mother came to my house while my DH and I were both feeling very ill, noticed there were dishes in the sink and that the floor hadn't been swept from the previous evening's meal, and said that we were neglectful and that if someone called about safeguarding they'd take our child away. For...breadcrumbs on the floor that had been tossed there by the child less than 12 hours before, in a house with no pest problems or any other issues like that.

For my own mother, a lot of this is about her trying to justify and equivocate due to her own history of abusing my sister and me. Child protective services were called repeatedly through our childhoods and many reports were filed about my mother, so I think she has this notion that this puts her on even footing with me. What a joke.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Your mother is bonkers. The only abusive person I can see is her. Is she always this difficult?

[ohtheholidays]

I think you sound like an amazing Mum not only are you on your own but you work as well and Co-sleep and you've been breastfeeding,your Mother should be really proud of you!

Did your Mum struggle with being a Mother by any chance?or did she have a really bad relationship with her Mother?

No matter what your Mothers issues are her own they are not about you no matter how much she trys to put you down this is all about something that is missing for your Mum in her own life or her own past.

Distance yourself from her Bobo the constant put downs are not good for you and as your DC get's older it wouldn't be good for him neither.

[MsMarple]

She sounds like a nightmare! I'd tell her very clearly that her behaviour is unacceptable and there will be consequences if she continues.

And don't even worry about the playgroup stuff yet - at that age it is more for the Mums' benefit to get out of the house and have a chat. By the time they are toddling they might appreciate having more space to play in and different/bigger/faster toys - but even then it isn't actually a necessity!

[Namechangemum100]

She sounds awful! Sounds like you are doing a great job to me. Cosleeping is perfectly normal, and as for nursery, my dd is 13 months, she won't be going to nursery, and I have barely spent a single day away from her.

She's happy and content.

Tell your mum that if she doesn't have anything nice to say she should keep her poisonous opinions to her self.

[NutElla5x]

If anyone is an abusive parent it's your mum.Her job is to support you and help you where she can not undermine you and criticise every thing you do.It sounds to me that you're doing a great job,your mother on the other hand needs to be told to fuck right off!

[InsomniacAnonymous]

It's very clear that it's your mother who is abusive and not you OP. I'm not surprised this is upsetting you and I'm so very sorry for you. You don't deserve it at all.

[boboismylove]

The HV thing is a good idea, I will try to go this week!

I think it does have something to do with envy - I don't know why. I think she was very much the put us to bed at 7 to cry it out type, but its not like I resent her for it now! She's quite distant and not really the motherly type.

@eveforever I think she would have preferred if I had aborted/ adopted! I called my parents and was quite casually complaining about sleep regression and my dad said "you can either cope or you can't cope, if you can't cope he can go to social services!"

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

Neither of mine got much out of play/toddler groups until they were properly walking. I only went for the tea and cake!

[Shmithecat]

My ds is 2.5yo. We still cosleep. And breastfeed. Dont believe in any form of sleep training. And he doesn't go to nursery. Your mum is bonkers. And not in a nice way. I'd seriously consider going NC if she continues to behave like that.

[MrsElvis]

I can't believe your dad said that. What's abusive is your parents!

[Oooeeeerrrrrindeed]

Tell her to fuck off with her concerns to a health visitor. Who would hopefully tell her to fuck off but in a professional way.
Email her a dictionary definition of abuse. Include an example of purposefully upsetting others with inflammatory statements.
Then just be unavailable for her times and calls.

[boboismylove]

Thanks @ohtheholidays!

My mum was adopted and wasn't very happy, and my dad was mostly raised by his grandmother. Both of them went to boarding school and so did me and my sisters.

My parents seem to think good parenting = outsourcing. - nursery, nanny and boarding school!

I can't afford to do that and there is no way I'd want to!

[boboismylove]

@ithecat - what's NC?

[GrannyGrissle]

You sound like a lovely caring parent OP who is getting along very well with motherhood. Don't let your cruel bitter 'D'M get to you. This needs nipping in the bud now so DC doesn't witness this toxic relationship between you and 'D'M.