DM keeps calling me an "abusive" parent

[boboismylove]

My DM has repeatedly called me an abusive parent. She is horrified that I co-sleep with my 11 month old, and thinks he should be in nursery. She said I need to "separate" myself from him and that its "abusive" to keep him relying on me. She was also having a go at me for breastfeeding too much as he was slow weaning, but he eats a lot now.
When I get upset when she haves a go at me, then she calls me "abusive" again for getting upset in front of the baby.

I'm a lone parent working p/t nights from home, and me and my baby are very happy.

I just don't know how she can casually use such language. Its really upsetting me.

Jeez, both your parents sound just lovely. I'd do as FGW said, pre-emptive visit to or from your HV; word her up that your parents are horrible then tell them both to go piss up a rope for as long as it takes them to stop being revolting.

Calling you abusive, oh ffs. She can shut right up.

NC is not contact.

You're doing amazingly op. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Sorry , that should have been 'no contact!

If she thinks loving and nurturing your baby is wrong then she is the abusive one!

WTF? Your parenting style sounds lovely.
Disclaimer: I'm an evil mother who sent her babies to nursery (albeit they loved it).
I can see why people might criticise my parenting style (I would, of course, hotly justify it) but how could anyone criticise yours???

I don't normally say this on MN. But please tell her to 'fuck the fuck off'.

Abusive?

Abuse is serious. To describe this as abusive is an insult to the true meaning of 'abusive'.

this is gaslighting.... conditioning you to think that you are something you are not... its emotional abuse that you need to walk away from...

she'll be demanding overnights soon, without you...

I am not sure you should talk to a HV because they vary wildly with their opinions and you may end up confusing things or yourself! I would google parenting advice from good sources (I like ahaparenting and other parentingscience but there is a lot based on peer reviewed research) to give you confidence, and only talk to a HV or your GP if you yourself are worried about anything to do with your baby.

As an alternative to "no contact" and telling your mother to FO, if you want to avoid a big fall out, is to manage things so that you can get away from any situation where she starts to become negative or critical - same for the phone - eg if you speak on the phone and she starts to become negative or critical you could say "oh no! I must go! I am sorry to rush off, I will call another time!"

You sound awesome and your LO is lucky to have you.

Do tell her to fuck off.
We are 'still' bed sharing and breast feeding at nearly 4yrs and gradually people have got used to us and are less critical.
I just had reams of un asked for advice, certainly not as bad as what you are dealing with and it was sooo hurtful and caused me a lot of anxiety as I was always wondering what someone was going to say next.

Stay strong and true to what you want to do

Sorry but if anyone dared to say I was abusive for looking after my child who is SUPPOSED TO RELY ON ME I would not speak to them. What the hell??

I think she says 'abusive' because it's a bit of a buzz word. I don't think she knows what it actually means. Can you say "If you knew what that word acyually means, mum, you wouldn't use it."

Oh good luck and well done. You sound really sorted!

Honestly, tell her to fuck off. How dare she? I would never speak another word to her.

My dd still shares a bed with four-year-old dgd and breastfed until past two. I am so proud of her and my dgd is a really happy, resilient little girl.

Some of the older generation seem to be very suspicious of being too close to your kids, its sad. My (usually lovely) mother was very disapproving of me cosleeping with dd1 especially when she was an older child. (She seemed to need it for a few weeks whenever changes occurred... starting school, moving house etc. )She never called me abusive though. I would have told her to fuck off!

It sounds like you're doing amazingly!

Especially with the fact that you're basically breaking the chain of generations of distant, disconnected parenting No wonder your parents find it threatening.

My mother never said it directly, but I think if I had told her I was pregnant before my partner and without my dad present, she might have suggested I have an abortion. I think she may have suggested this not out of meanness, but because I was pretty young at 22 and I was in a very new relationship.

Your parents haven't been brought up by their own mothers, so to a degree it is understandable that they have skewed views on what is appropriate parenting. However, you cannot afford to let this have a negative impact on you. Motherhood is difficult enough without putting up with their rather unhelpful behaviour, 'advice', criticism and vitriol. Speaking to the HV is a good suggestion. I'm wondering how you feel about speaking to your mother and/or parents about things directly? Do you think there is any chance of nipping things in the bud, or do you think things have escalated too far?

One thing about motherhood is that everyone has an opinion on how you parent. What one person thinks you are doing really well, another will think is utterly disgraceful and inappropriate and, for some reason, some people feel perfectly entitled to tell you what they think whether you ask for their opinion or not. Getting objective advice can be helpful, but don't ignore your gut instinct. You're not a child any longer, maybe you need to let your parents know that. Asking for advice and support is normal, it does not make you incapable or mean that you can't cope.

TBH your mother sounds like she's got major psychological issues.

But she can't be allowed to lay her shit on you - or your child.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are remarkably calm about your own mother accusing you of being an abusive parent. You come across as not being very certain of your own boundaries and what is due to you as her daughter and as the mother of her grandchild. It is actually an outrageous thing to say to anybody about their parenting and you don't seem to have grasped the full outrageousness of it. Something tells me that you are used to your mother being completely appalling, showing you no respect and being utterly toxic, hence the under-reaction.

What she's said to you is completely beyond the pale and in many families, would cause a total breakdown in contact. That may not be right for you at the moment, but it might not do you any harm to see if you can get some counselling about how to maintain boundaries against this awful woman - and indeed, how to recognise when she is trampling your's.

There are areas where I could improve as a parent - like I haven't got round to taking him to playgroup yet!

11 month old babies don't need to go to playgroup. Children don't generally start playing with each other until around two years old. Up until that point, the parents benefit from meeting other but the babies don't.

Keep doing what you're doing. It sounds perfect.

She sounds ghastly. Are they older parents (ie were over 35 when they had you?) Have they got what they like to think of as traditional values? I wonder if this nastiness is a combination of them both having had rather distant relationships with their own parents and a negative attitude towards the fact that you are a single parent (and therefore 'bad' because you have no male owner to control you and make you toe the line.)

I wonder what you would have said to the OP picklemepopcorn, had the DM looked after the baby whilst in OP was at work.

It sounds like your mum had a bit of a fucked up childhood, didn't know how to parent you, doesn't understand how you know how to parent like you do.

It would be good if you could make her understand that your parenting choices aren't a criticism of hers, but I don't know how you'd go about that.

@ReanimatedSGB

My mum was early 30s my dad 10 years older. Yeah I'd say they have "traditional" values though they prob don't see it that way. Me being single mum is minor scandal in my mum's extended family.