DM keeps calling me an "abusive" parent

[boboismylove]

My DM has repeatedly called me an abusive parent. She is horrified that I co-sleep with my 11 month old, and thinks he should be in nursery. She said I need to "separate" myself from him and that its "abusive" to keep him relying on me. She was also having a go at me for breastfeeding too much as he was slow weaning, but he eats a lot now.
When I get upset when she haves a go at me, then she calls me "abusive" again for getting upset in front of the baby.

I'm a lone parent working p/t nights from home, and me and my baby are very happy.

I just don't know how she can casually use such language. Its really upsetting me.

[windchimesabotage]

Id really go no contact over this type of nonesense as it will effect your child as they start to be able to understand. Having your parenting undermined in front of your child is awful.

If you continue to see her just bare in mind that she is not correct. No one external would agree with what she is saying. You have seen that clearly on here. So do not get angry or engage with her when she says such crazy things... just totally cut her dead and ignore her. You do not even have to think about the things she says. Shes unhinged and dont start to doubt yourself because that is what she wants. She essentially wants to control you and keep you reliant or engaged by her 'opinions' She can only do that by making you feel bad about yourself.
If you cant bring yourself to have no contact at all with her, at the very least please do not take on board anything she says of this nature.
Id really suggest that you do not allow her alone around your child though. She does not sound like a supportive or nurturing person and could cause a lot of emotional damage to your child.

[ItsNachoCheese]

Id keep you and your ds as far away from your 'd'm as possible

[differentnameforthis]

My mum was adopted and wasn't very happy, and my dad was mostly raised by his grandmother. I would say they are projecting their issues with their parents "abandonment" of them, onto you.

Neither of them had a relationship of any worth with their parents and so they possibly believe - by you having what they didn't have with their parents - that your relationship is harmful for your child.

It certainly is not harmful, and definitely NOT abusive.

When they start on these rants simply hang up the phone. You can try telling them they are wrong, but it sounds like it will not be easy. I'd say "I don't need to listen to this nonsense" and hang up.

You owe them nothing, op, nothing at all.

[eggncress]

You sound like a really good mum. Report your DM to the HV for the record then just try have as little contact with her as possible as she sounds abusive.

[MachineBee]

Anxious perhaps your mum should buy the next bed if she’s so bothered about it.

OP you are doing fine. Practise some phrases to end the conversation, be more unavailable so she has less chance to say hurtful things and make sure you have your own support network to turn to if you need help. This will help you avoid turning to her at vulnerable times.

My own DM regularly told me I was getting it all wrong and I was racked with guilt about my parenting skills. I also suffered from terrible PND my own DM and my then DH used to join forces to tell me how rubbish a mother I was.

I divorced him. Inevitably my DM couldn't understand why I did that as she thought we made a lovely couple. He was a serial adulterer and emotionally abusive. It took me years to realise that I was a good mum, and that far from setting me a good example my own DPs were controlling and selfish. In fact it was my DSis who finally opened my eyes to this fairly recently. It has brought a kind of freedom as I’d totally bought in to the smug lie that I was fed growing up that everything they did was for our own good.

[VegasWithRadishes]

How old is she? It used to be that if you didn't strictly control how long each BF lasted and stop bf'ing at x age you were spoiling your child and this was seen as a cruel thing to do. Sometimes SS would even visit about it! This was the 50's/60's though. Even if she is 70+ Though it's no excuse. Have you explained times have moved on quite substantially???
My nan is in her late 80's and I was when I learned this but even she told me in a "weren't we ridiculous" way, not a "you should do this" way:

[BrownTurkey]

Next time tilt your head and wink, then say, heh Mum, I won’t criticise your parenting if you don’t criticise mine, OK?

I guess her background gives a clue as to why she is so fearful of any parenting difference though, and the outsourcing may be because she was afraid of getting it wrong.

In fact, a kinder response would be ‘its ok Mum, I got this, I had great parents, remember? So I know what I’m doing’.

[LexieLulu]

You mum is horrible! You need to shut her out your life or tell her as little as she needs to know

[ElBandito]

You are doing things differently to her, which she finds threatening. If you don’t want to go no contact or low contact then simply don’t tell her about any niggles you are having with your child. She doesn’t need to know that you co-sleep, don’t mention sleep regression. Stick to the weather and other less controversial topics.

[AnxiousNewUser]

Your mother sounds like a nightmare. Lots of sympathy from me - my mother is currently making me miserable because I'm mostly co-sleeping with my (only just turned) two year old, because she's grown out of her cot and I can't face the expense of a toddler bed just yet (I'm a single mum and my mother never bloody stops with the "you have to buy this/ that" ). Apparently all DD's friends will bully her, even though all her friends are currently at the "just stringing two words together" stage and don't say much apart from "want biscuit" . Some days I just want to go back to bed and die, so it must be a lot worse for you

[ariettyspaghetti]

she sounds like a fucking arsehole and i'd tell her so and get her out of your life for the time being tbh

[MuddyForestWalks]

How lucky your little boy is, to have such a natural and instinctive mother who is able to really love and enjoy him despite the dreadful examples set by previous generations :) I find your love and confidence in your parent-child relationship genuinely heartwarming. What a shame your own mum is such a twisted fuck.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

There IS an abusive mother in your family.
Hint - it's not you.

[FranticallyPeaceful]

I’d honestly tell her to back the fuck off. He’s still a baby! Do what you’re doing

[RochelleGoyle]

She's talking rubbish OP.

[boboismylove]

@ReanimatedSGB

My mum was early 30s my dad 10 years older. Yeah I'd say they have "traditional" values though they prob don't see it that way. Me being single mum is minor scandal in my mum's extended family.

[Assburgers]

It sounds like your mum had a bit of a fucked up childhood, didn't know how to parent you, doesn't understand how you know how to parent like you do.

It would be good if you could make her understand that your parenting choices aren't a criticism of hers, but I don't know how you'd go about that.

[RadioGaGoo]

I wonder what you would have said to the OP picklemepopcorn, had the DM looked after the baby whilst in OP was at work.

[ReanimatedSGB]

She sounds ghastly. Are they older parents (ie were over 35 when they had you?) Have they got what they like to think of as traditional values? I wonder if this nastiness is a combination of them both having had rather distant relationships with their own parents and a negative attitude towards the fact that you are a single parent (and therefore 'bad' because you have no male owner to control you and make you toe the line.)

[Goldmandra]

There are areas where I could improve as a parent - like I haven't got round to taking him to playgroup yet!

11 month old babies don't need to go to playgroup. Children don't generally start playing with each other until around two years old. Up until that point, the parents benefit from meeting other but the babies don't.

Keep doing what you're doing. It sounds perfect.

[AskBasil]

TBH your mother sounds like she's got major psychological issues.

But she can't be allowed to lay her shit on you - or your child.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you are remarkably calm about your own mother accusing you of being an abusive parent. You come across as not being very certain of your own boundaries and what is due to you as her daughter and as the mother of her grandchild. It is actually an outrageous thing to say to anybody about their parenting and you don't seem to have grasped the full outrageousness of it. Something tells me that you are used to your mother being completely appalling, showing you no respect and being utterly toxic, hence the under-reaction.

What she's said to you is completely beyond the pale and in many families, would cause a total breakdown in contact. That may not be right for you at the moment, but it might not do you any harm to see if you can get some counselling about how to maintain boundaries against this awful woman - and indeed, how to recognise when she is trampling your's.

[Eveforever]

My mother never said it directly, but I think if I had told her I was pregnant before my partner and without my dad present, she might have suggested I have an abortion. I think she may have suggested this not out of meanness, but because I was pretty young at 22 and I was in a very new relationship.

Your parents haven't been brought up by their own mothers, so to a degree it is understandable that they have skewed views on what is appropriate parenting. However, you cannot afford to let this have a negative impact on you. Motherhood is difficult enough without putting up with their rather unhelpful behaviour, 'advice', criticism and vitriol. Speaking to the HV is a good suggestion. I'm wondering how you feel about speaking to your mother and/or parents about things directly? Do you think there is any chance of nipping things in the bud, or do you think things have escalated too far?

One thing about motherhood is that everyone has an opinion on how you parent. What one person thinks you are doing really well, another will think is utterly disgraceful and inappropriate and, for some reason, some people feel perfectly entitled to tell you what they think whether you ask for their opinion or not. Getting objective advice can be helpful, but don't ignore your gut instinct. You're not a child any longer, maybe you need to let your parents know that. Asking for advice and support is normal, it does not make you incapable or mean that you can't cope.

[PercyPigAddict]

It sounds like you're doing amazingly!

Especially with the fact that you're basically breaking the chain of generations of distant, disconnected parenting No wonder your parents find it threatening.