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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the key to a well behaved child is a good relationship and bond with the parent/parents

93 replies

LardLizard · 12/03/2018 13:25

Of course other things help a lot too like enough money etc so things like that don’t cause more stress

OP posts:
carryondoctor · 12/03/2018 13:26

Nope - Excluding any additional needs, it's mostly down to the child's personality IMO. That explains why you get some siblings who are angelic and some who are positively devilish, from being very small children, despite the parents having treated them the same!

speakout · 12/03/2018 13:26

Yes I agree.

UpstartCrow · 12/03/2018 13:28

I agree with carryondoctor. Nurture is important but you can't change nature.
Parents don't have as much influence as they think, and it decreases as the child gets older. Children grow up with the accent of their peers, not their parents.

AddictiveCereal · 12/03/2018 13:29

I agree that personality of the child has a very big part to play too.

I am very close to my younger son but he can be very difficult to manage compared to his older brother who is just easier to get around.

Kingsclerelass · 12/03/2018 13:30

It also depends on how you define well behaved. My mother's understanding of "well-behaved" is nothing like mine.

missyB1 · 12/03/2018 13:31

Depends what you call a good relationship, that’s a bit subjective isn’t it? I have a friend who would describe her relationship with her ds as very close, and to be fair I would agree with her, but he is a very difficult child, often disobedient and rude.

hannah1992 · 12/03/2018 13:33

I think it also depends on how easily influenced they are too. My 7 year old dd was an angel as a little one. As a baby I never knew I had her never had trrrible twos or anything. Then when she turned three and started nursery things started to change. She got cheekier and started pushing boundaries. Then she started school and it progressed from there. I now have a 7 year old attitude monster haha. She is still a loving child but my god she does not like to be told no or that she can’t have something and she can backchat as well. Nothing has ever changed for her at home.

My 2 year old has been a demon since the day she was born. Climbs on everything doesn’t sleep all night. Nightmare to get her into bed etc however is also a loving child

Arapaima · 12/03/2018 13:33

Sometimes a very well behaved child might indicate the opposite OP - a child who has to be “good” or they will get into a lot of trouble Sad

tenpencemixup · 12/03/2018 13:35

Depends on your interpretation of well behaved? Quiet? Socially aware? Independent? My son is on the autistic spectrum with learning difficulties. He's never going to fall into those categories and that is nothing to do with my parenting and everything to do with him having a neurological disorder.

MrsPatrickDempsey · 12/03/2018 13:37

Interesting. Don’t know if anyone has been watching the programme on ch5 where the child psychologist intervened with a child’s behaviour? Last week the grandparent was convinced there was something ‘wrong’ with the little girl when it was really interesting to observe the parent’s interaction with her which was very awkward and negative; there was no warmth, nuturing, dialogue or encouragement.

Isadora2007 · 12/03/2018 13:37

Hmmm. Good behaviour can be just good compliance due to fear of a parent rather than a good relationship.
Good behaviour is also subjective. I’d rather my child was happy and respectful than “good”...as what is good exactly?

I do think that too many parents don’t take the time to respect their children and seem to expect them to just somehow be decent kids with little or no effort on their part- or they outsource their parenting to nurseries, child minders etc and don’t really even know their child enough to have a connection and then wonder why their teen goes off the rails.
Kids are hard work, from babies to adults. If you don’t Put in the effort you can’t reap the rewards.

MysweetAudrina · 12/03/2018 13:38

If only.

Isadora2007 · 12/03/2018 13:41

Then she started school and it progressed from there. I now have a 7 year old attitude monster haha. She is still a loving child but my god she does not like to be told no or that she can’t have something and she can backchat as well. Nothing has ever changed for her at home.

Eh? How can nothing have changed at home despite her having a two year old sibling? So her behaviour changed roughly 3 years ago and she has a 2 year old sibling conceived around...3 years ago? Yet you think nothing changed for her???

Twofishfingers · 12/03/2018 13:41

ahah OP your post makes me laugh. I bet my shirt your child is well behaved and you are self congratulating that you have managed to build a good relationship with him/her because of your ability to bond...

Very funny.

In case you haven't noticed, I don't agree with you one bit. The number of factors in having a happy and well behaved child is huge. Health, mental health, genes, personality, social environment, stimulation, family support (and wider family support), your definition of 'well behaved', etc, etc etc.

But if it makes you happy, you can think it's all down to you.

Original poster
LardLizard · 12/03/2018 13:45

Mrs p, yes I’ve just watched that, which is part of my reasoning for posting this
I wasn’t too sure on last weeks episode
But this week, what an improvement

And if course there’s all sorts of ways someone can be good, and asking what good means it’s a tricky one
But I’m talking about generally being a nice person, treating others well as well as having respect for your own needs, being thoughtful and considerate, kind trying your best you know these kinda basic things

But of course children with special needs it’s totally different

OP posts:
Original poster
LardLizard · 12/03/2018 13:46

Idadora
I agree

OP posts:
NotMeNoNo · 12/03/2018 13:48

The cause/effect is back to front. A difficult parent /child relationship often results in an unsettled child obviously. But seeing a child with bad behaviour doesn't mean that was the cause or the only factor.

Likewise a warm parent child relationship is a good thing and extremely important but no guarantee of producing a little angel.

Original poster
LardLizard · 12/03/2018 13:48

Two fish fingers I totally agree all those factors have a crucial influence as well

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 12/03/2018 13:49

But I’m talking about generally being a nice person, treating others well as well as having respect for your own needs, being thoughtful and considerate, kind trying your best you know these kinda basic things

You describe my 11 year old DD who was an absolute demon as a newborn/baby and I didn't bond with her until she was nearly 2. She is the loveliest person but I certainly think it's pretty much nature not nurture in her case.

BarbarianMum · 12/03/2018 13:50

Funny.

No.

purplelass · 12/03/2018 13:51

I don't agree.

You get siblings, even twins, who are parented exactly the same and turn out completely different in behaviour.

Original poster
LardLizard · 12/03/2018 13:56

I now it’s a bit hippy but I think a lot of people get bogged down with tasks and almost forget to enjoy their children’s nd have fun with them and it’s easy to forget and to notice all the good things they do

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 12/03/2018 13:56

Just had this discussion with a couisn and we came up with there's one in every family. Children can be treated equally but I'm afraid nature will always trump nurture.

Madmarchpear · 12/03/2018 13:56

Additional needs aside. I agree. In my work I have seen the most spirited child brought to heel when a parent they are obviously well bonded to has disciplined them. Those whose parents are distant and unengaged find it harder to control the child basically because the child doesn't care about pleasing the parent.

Goldenphoenix · 12/03/2018 13:57

No, I don't agree. I think it is down to personality of the child as well as upbringing. My five year old has always been so spirited, independent and explosive, her Dad and I have a very close bond, she explodes with us only never at school and i hope it is because she knows she is so secure with us we are a safe space to do so. She has always been spirited from 18 months old. Her brother is two and completely different, so much more laid back and many fewer tantrums thank gawd.