To think the key to a well behaved child is a good relationship and bond with the parent/parents

[LardLizard]

Of course other things help a lot too like enough money etc so things like that don’t cause more stress

No, I agree with twofishfingers. Well done and everything for having well behaved children but yabu and smug to self congratulate and say "aha I have the secret to well behaved kids which all you lesser parents haven’t figured out"! It's really not that simple.

Nope. I was well behaved. My mother was abusive and I hated her. I just have a very subdued and pliant character. Being naughty wasn’t worth the trouble for me. I’m still likethat.

champagne that is a shocking post. OP has referred to child loss so quite frankly your wishing a 'hellish' stage on OP was very cruel. Stop it. Please.

There are a couple of interesting books about this; Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhard explains why loving relationships are essential to brain development in the early years, and how these early interactions can have lasting consequences for future emotional and physical health.
Margot Sunderland - What Every Parent Needs To Know - includes a focus on how parental love, nurture, and play contribute to child's development.

My kids are well behaved and we are close, but not because we are close. They’re just really bloody good people and I’m very lucky, but some children have demons to fight... I certainly did. Everybodies brains are different and there’s so many variables with nurture anyway.

I was very well behaved never even got detention in school. Mind you I was mucking about in the car on the way to primary school and my Dad smacked me across the face hard enough to make my nose bleed. So maybe the key was the bond I had with my parents - just not the way you think OP!

My DC are good sometimes and not so good sometimes. They know we love them and are there for them but they still have bad days, struggle with teenage emotions, get hangry (DS2 I'm looking at you). Just like the rest of us.

My oldest DC (3 years) was a very difficult baby and I found motherhood with him a real struggle. I really, really worked so hard with our relationship and I think we have a great bond now. That being said he can push the boundaries and I am very, very strict with him. On his ‘best’ behaviour he’s excellently well behaved, but he can be terrible too.

My youngest (19 months) has charmed me and I’ve adored her since the second she was born. She is a very charming child and so gets away with murder. I think she’ll be a complete nightmare when she’s older as she is unbelievably independent and strong willed.

But as much as I’d love to say I have I definitely know I haven’t parented them identically, they’re very different, it just wouldn’t work.

Any self congratulations on having a well behaved child should be reserved until parents have survived the teenage years

I don't agree. I think that a "well-behaved" child is more likely to be one that has all of their needs met. One of those needs is definitely a good relationship with their parents, but that's not the whole story. It varies from child to child. Plus, as stated by PPs the concept of "well behaved" is very subjective.

If only . . .

I don't I think the key is fair discipline and boundaries. What do you mean by good relationship? Most of the badly behaved kids amongst my dc's friends had what many could argue was a good relationship with their parents ie there was little conflict as they got their own way the whole time.

I also think personality and circumstances play a huge part. Also you can have a well behaved 4 year old who is a nightmare teen. 18 years is a long time,very few kids are perfect during the whole of it.

No.

I've had a solid marriage for both boys but they're so different and each is well and badly behaved in their own ways.

It's far, far more complicated than you're saying.

No not at all. Many parents themselves are not well behaved!

Then even the well behaved ones may have a dc who needs proper discipline and they don't give it for whatever reasons... So no.

No, its not the 'key' but of course we should strive to have a good relationship with them.
Our youngest is the best person out of all of us. He is naturally kind, intelligent, inquisitive, generous, affectionate and happy all the time. Well, nearly all. he's not perfect :) He doesn't change depending on the situation either. He's like that with everyone.
Our eldest is so very different. He is naturally pessimistic. Also intelligent, but without the confidence of his brother, has never shown affection, is quite self absorbed and has no empathy. With us, he is sulky and cross and defiant. He has always been this way. I have talked to the headmistress and to his teachers, due to concerns about his behaviour. She looked completely baffled - they appear to know a completely different child, which fills us with relief actually, because he doesn't struggle at school the way he seems to at home.
So.
No.

I agree Tellit. Some kids are angels at school and teachers other parents will comment how lovely they are. You are left wondering if they are talking about the same child as the PITA you have at home. Some kids hold it together in public but then use home and parents as a release valve for all their frustrations.

I think it's more nature. Dd1 is very similar to PP defiant, moody, easily frustrated like she has PDA. Unfortunately she is likely to be worse out of sight of me or the teacher as always looking for a way to play up. Also she is even worse when slightly ill or tired. Now i can punish her, remove toys/treats/parties/cakes etc explain why she cant do xyz in detail. And she knows. But she lacks empathy for other children. I actually think school for such young children is quite dangerous till they grow up a bit as in reality they are given a lot of opportunity for mischief for 4/5yo.

The question is more why do some dc choose to misbehave? Sometimes it seems to be impulsiveness.

Congratulations

You win parenting

AF please. I know you're the apogee of the pithy one line put down. But park it; read the OPs subsequent posts. Be kind. Please.

As a lot of people have posted, what does well behaved mean?
My kids are pretty good usually, but not perfect all the time. Sometimes they can be moody, have a moan in public, even my seven year old still has the odd embarrassing tantrum - although they’re few and far between now, thank goodness.
I don’t expect perfect behaviour. I’m not perfect.
We have a good relationship I think, but it could be better. I’m not a perfect parent. For example, I’m on MN when I should be in there with them playing Star Wars probably.

The loss of op's child does not mitigate such a smug and condescending post.

There are parents having horrendous struggles with their children despite doing everything "right". This site is to "make parents lives easier". This op negates that.

Okey dokies.

I have to disagree. I was exceptionally well-behaved. I also hated my mother and didn't know my father enough to care. My mother thought I was the devil's reincarnation and did what she could to convince others of it, too. She wanted to see me that way. Luckily, my teachers disgreed strongly.

There are far too many factors to see causation here. Genetics, relationships with parents, relationships with peers and other role models, culture, stubbornness, dietary influences and even some diseases can influence personality (toxoplasmosis does all sorts of things to the brain).

it's mostly down to the child's personality IMO. That explains why you get some siblings who are angelic and some who are positively devilish

Parents treat their children differently even if they think they treat them the same.

Except for identical twins that is.