To think the key to a well behaved child is a good relationship and bond with the parent/parents

[LardLizard]

Of course other things help a lot too like enough money etc so things like that don’t cause more stress

But what is a good relationship? A parent could think they have a fab relationship with their child. They could be loving, hug the child all the time, talk and listen but may be crap at boundaries and saying no, so the child ends up being badly behaved.

Even if there are no health issues, sen etc I think it’s a huge combination of things.

Madmarch yes I think there is a lot in that, I agree with you

Sorry I’ve no idea what or who dyer Warwick is ?

Another thing - as the child gets older (I see this now with my boys being 10 and 12 years old) some will behave like angels when their parents are there, but turn to little demons when they are alone/in someone else's home/whenever they have more freedom. The parents, probably adopting a helicopter style of parenting or constantly telling the child how to behave, have caused their child to not be able to have good behaviour because it's better to be good, but to please and/or obey the parents.

I have twins, I should say first they are both great but very different. One is loud, outgoing, chatty with everyone and cannot sit still. In some of the cultures we have lived in these traits have been highly valued.
The other dc is much quieter, polite but shy, able to focus on tasks without much adult support. In other cultures we have lived in these have been more valuable traits.

Just to say, it is never true that every child in a family is treated exactly the same, whatever the parents think.

I think that's true crunchymint I have different relationships with my dc as they are different people but they are both good relationships and they are both loved. I don't think that is all that impacts behavior. I also what counts as good behavior is very culturally subjective.

YABU

#carryondoctor I don't agree actually. I have 4 children and I think birth position is a massive influence. The fact is people don't treat all of their children identically and sibling influence is massive.

And how old are your children, OP?

I disagree. You can have two siblings raised in the same way who behave completely differently, it happens often.

I have three DC and whilst I can’t say any of them are terribly behaved, the middle DC challenges me the most and always has. All of them behave impeccably at school and for other people but whilst with me, she is the one I struggle with the most. I treat and raise them all equally but they are individuals with differing personalities and while the other two are quieter and more independent, she has always been raucous and clingy.

There’s always nature v nurture and both must be taken into consideration.

I have a 10 year old and four year old plus my middle child passed after shortly after he was born and he wold have been 6 now

There are a lot of factors. And it depends what you mean by a good relationship with the parent(s). A child might have a loving relationship with a parent who is nevertheless in other ways a bad role model. Or a child might well have strong influences from other people in their life, which counteract the positive effects of their good relationship with their parents. And I've taught umpteen sets of siblings whose behaviour differed wildly from each other.

yy personality and birth order and good question from MissWilmott.

Ah xpost.

I'm so sorry lizard.

Hmm, I'm not so sure. I remember my mum reading "the birth order" book back in the 1980's - it certainly didn't fit me or my brothers! So for example as the middle child I was initially good as gold, then played up a bit as a teenager; my older brother was lazy and not at all a high achiever until he suddenly woke up at university; and my younger brother was an absolute demon until he was about 14, when he suddenly became good as gold and got hundreds of bloody A*s (the little toerag).

One of my friends is a child psychologist and another is a criminal psychologist. Both of them don't pay that much attention to birth order; rather they think it's confirmation bias (i.e. you look back and assume it's because this one is an only; this one is the baby of three etc). On the other hand, lots of psychologists do think there's something in it. It's a controversial topic, I'm told!

I think your position in the family can influence some behaviours, but I just don't think it's as big a factor as the child's inherent nature.

there's a huge number of factors going in to how a child turns out. I do think that they learn more about how to behave by watching what others do - it's a lot easier to bring up a child to have good relationships if parents and the others in their lives treat each other with consideration and respect.

or they outsource their parenting to nurseries, child minders etc and don’t really even know their child enough to have a connection and then wonder why their teen goes off the rails.

Wow! I expected people to say that in the 1970s but I though by now we'd worked out that there are a lot of models of child rearing, and the main thing was for a child to have a stable figure in their life that they have a good relationship with (and several such people is even better).

I think it's a good start op but that's about it, there are so many factors that determine a child's personality and behaviour and as pp said nature plays a big part too.

No. My parents were not at all touchy feely and to this day (I'm 44 we get on but we're not close). I learned to be fairly self sufficient early on. I can't recall ever playing a board game or anything with either of my parents; did with my grandparents though. We were very poor by most people's standards; most of my clothes were from jumble sales and we didn't have a phone in our house until I was 10. Never went on holiday until I was 14 (to a camp on the Isle of Wight). My parents will tell everyone who listens that I was an incredibly well behaved child and teenager who never caused any trouble, behaved badly, was always thoughtful towards others etc.

I was a well behaved child because I was being mentally and physically abused by my parents. I was terrified into being 'good'. I think my dcs can be naughty and push boundaries because they are loved and feel safe.

Do parents actually parent the same for all their children though?

I only have 1 child so can't really say.
But all my friends with more that one child would say they relaxed and let things slide the more children they had? Which I think would have an impact on their upbringing. Some seem to parent boys and girls different too.

I think it's a mixture of nature and nurture. I do think, experiences but particularly childhood experiences can impact a person, and change the person they become regardless of their nature or nurturing environment. The first few years of a child's life is incredibly important in securing the foundations of their learning and well being. Anything can impact that, even things we don't realise are an issue, like their birth.

God OP you are so preachy and self righteous! I KNEW you would agree with the post about childcare and 'outsourcing' parenting. I hope your child is due for a hellish stage - they all have them, no matter what age they occur - to make you eat your words.

Someone once told me that having a child is like taking in a tiny lodger who you can't vet. It's amazing how little influence you actually have on them.

champagne should have said I hope your child is due for a hellish stage - MOST have them, no matter what age they occur

No. The key is crisps.