To think the key to a well behaved child is a good relationship and bond with the parent/parents

[LardLizard]

Of course other things help a lot too like enough money etc so things like that don’t cause more stress

I now it’s a bit hippy but I think a lot of people get bogged down with tasks and almost forget to enjoy their children’s nd have fun with them and it’s easy to forget and to notice all the good things they do

I think this is rubbish if you're talking about reasons for children to behave badly. It may well be true at times, and certainly as a parent who has suffered the loss of a child I am sure you're more attuned to this than most of us because you are so very conscious of the moments you've lost. I'm deeply sorry you have had to go through that.

However, I think it's too simplistic to say that badly behaved children are the result of parents who don't have good relationships with their children. Many parents have great relationships with their children, but don't perhaps have the skills needed to parent that particular child the way he/she needs. Others may have less good relationships but nonetheless meet their child's needs. Similarly, there are a lot of other factors at play from the child's natural personality to environment, school, other influencers etc.

I DO believe that parents with a very bad relationship with their children or who are unable/unwilling to engage with them at an appropriate level are likely to set their children up for a more difficult life and behaviour issues. But it's not guaranteed (because it's more complex) and there's definitely no one thing that leads to difficult children.

I also am not sure about how important "well behaved" is. That's just one element of a child's personality and upbringing. My children are broadly speaking, very well behaved. However, they have other challenges which DH and I have to manage. And as they've got older, those challenges get help from other quarters too - school, other role models etc. If I chose to define how "good" my children are purely by behaviour, I'd likely be happy to ignore the other things. As a responsible and loving parent, I'm equally focused on those things and want to help my children overcome all challenges.

Have a OP.

DH joke that our worst behaved kid will NEVER move out. So he seems to like us fine. Can't stop talking to me right now. Some star wars thing, Thrawn?? He thinks I'm keen to know...

Parents definitely treat their children differently. Even with twins.

It’s basic human instinct to categorise and compare. Good / naughty, organised / messy, bookish / sporty... everyone does it. Saying the first twin is the bossy one ‘she had to come first...not like second who is more laid back’ it starts as jokes but makes its way into family lore.

I'm still agog that you think money has anything to do with it? er, why? I'm genuinely confused.

You deserve a pat on the back op
For composing the most fucking stupid sentence I read in a long time.

All the smug mothers are nodding their heads in agreement!! I have a 2 year old. He is not well behaved at all times. I suspect that is just because he is 2

I think it's more down to the child's personality. I'm blessed with placid easygoing dc who make me look like I got it right. Dsis has a four dc, one of them has been difficult since the day she was born and another is also difficult. Dsis, I would say, is a far more attentive parent than I have ever been because she had no choice and I could get away with being lax.

In order to thrive children need to have their basic needs met. These basic needs can be met not just by parents but by adult caregivers in other settings. For those interested in more see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.

Even those kids that have their needs met will sometimes push boundaries and misbehave. That is part of learning. Kids are not robots!

MrsPatrickDempsey I expect people look at me and think I'm quite cold and unloving towards my son. What they don't see is that every single day I'm spoken to badly, every single thing is a battle, there is no nice conversation because he argues about everything. Its incredibly hard to show warmth all the time when faced with a daily battle of horrible behaviour. You end up spending all you time doing damage control and being always on edge that its hard to be fun and loving.

I don't know. My five year old has always had lots of attention and a loving family. She is very naughty for me, and occasionally for DH. She is beautifully behaved for school and grandparents.

There are loads of things. A good relationship and respect from the parent to the child is just one factor. There are tons of "gentle parenting" websites on the net which will tell you over and over that this is the key and that if your children are not behaving well then it's because you're not spending enough time with them. I was on my knees until I worked out that actually, boundaries, rules and consistency are extremely important too! I was so busy trying to be fun and nice and build relationship all the time that I was wildly inconsistent (which I couldn't see because in my head I knew where the edge was, but I wasn't displaying that clearly to my child) and I didn't protect my own needs with boundaries which needed setting.

And money is completely irrelevant except to say that parents who are struggling financially are likely to be stressed which of course impacts on parenting and children's behaviour too.

I do believe that children do well if they can and that behaviour is often communication, but I also think that children are generally self centred - they can't help it, they are little -
and that clarity and self care is important, far more important than I realised when DS was little and that was to the detriment of both of us, honestly.

No

I was good as I always wanted my mum to stay around but she never did

What concerns me about the OPs theory is that parents and kids are actually under enormous pressure to be perfect and ‘well behaved’ all the time and this is not healthy. There’s no place for kids to just be kids anymore they are constantly being judged and categoriesed which is really damaging. Sometimes kids need to push boundaries, take risks and make mistakes in order to learn and grow. Always having to live up to the expectation of being the good/ perfect/ well behaved one can lead to rebellion or anxiety as kids get older and it all gets too much.

Mrs PD, what is the programme?

I think that are core principles to good parenting but each child needs are slightly different so their ideal parent would also parent in a slightly different way. In the same way as for adults our ideal friend or partner is different.

YABU. But thanks for sharing your 'wisdom'.

I agree to some extent. I don't think bad behaviour is indicative of a bad relationship because there are so many other factors at play. On the other hand I do think that good behaviour can be a result of a good relationship with parents.

I specifically remember my dad raising me with a lot of respect. As I child I was asked to help with things not told, rather than tell me off for being naughty he would explain how others might feel and let me come to my own conclusions on my behaviour.

As a result I chose not to misbehave generally and I'm told I was quite a pleasant, emotionally mature child. The only issue I had (and still do) is that I will not accept orders without a reason to. This can rub people up the wrong way.

I didn’t say it was the only thing to affect it did I ?!
Some of you make stuff up !!!