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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my sister would back off

124 replies

AnotherSliceOfToast · 12/03/2018 13:16

I don't get on with my sister. We have different types of personalities and just aren't close. We always clashed when we were growing up. We weren't worse enemies but there is just no connection between us.

I am happy getting on with my life and meeting up occassionally. I have no desire to be meeting every week.

My sister constantly measages me over the last 5 or 6 years trying to meet up. She has plenty of close friends so it is not that she is lonely - but it seems she has decided that because we are sisters we must be best friends even if I'm constantly clearly indicating that this is not what I want. I'm sick of being put in the position of trying to think of lame excuses to decline - because it makes me seem like a horrible person when I'm actually just trying to get on with my life and do my own thing.

She tries to arrange to spend time with my children separately to me but I am not comfortable with this for two reasons -firstly, its that we just aren't close so weird sending my children off with someone I don't really like. And secondly, I find she doesn't really understand older children and is easily shocked by quite minor misbehavior and is too stern. My children are mostly very well behaved at home and school but aren't perfect - and I don't like the thought of them being alone with her and being disciplined by someone like that. She has a baby who is very placid and I think she feels this is purely a reflection of her superior parenting - whereas I feel that managing older DCs can actually be harder as they have their own opinions etc.

Because I usually decline to meet up, she has started texting my DH directly (by-passing me) to arrange meet ups with me or my children. DH doesn't commit to anything as he knows we are not close. Its just really annoying me and putting me off her even more. I was meeting her from time to time for coffee just to keep things happy but I don't feel like meeting her at all anymore because of this.

I don't feel I can directly say anything as she already comes across as the saintly one in my family - the one who is reaching out trying to be friends - and I am seen as terrible and cold for not being kind and accepting all her attempts.

OP posts:

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 13/03/2018 08:29

There's a difference between "not close" and "someone I don't really like". Maybe your problem is you're not honest with yourself or her. You don't have it in you to like her.

BerylStreep · 13/03/2018 08:29

Well I'm not surprised the op hasn't come back. Even this morning posters are keen to get the boot in.

Ski4130 · 13/03/2018 08:31

I think there's more to this, but going on your op you sound harsh. There have been times when my siblings and I have fallen out, and not been speaking and I haven't stopped them seeing their aunts and uncles. Even if you dislike your sister, why prevent your children from having a relationship with her? YABU.

bastardkitty · 13/03/2018 08:37

Wow OP - I see your thread turned into Projection-Central. You obviously have every right not to be pressured into a relationship you don't want to have. It's terrible behaviour for her to go to your partner and children instead. Is she usually so persistent and unboundaried? FWIW, I'm not surprised you didn't come back to this thread.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/03/2018 08:43

I see all the whiners are either not reading the thread properly, or they are pushy, needy bullies themselves. This sister goes behind the OP's back to try to get access to OP's children, against OP's wishes.
OP's quite right to keep her firmly at a distance. That level of harassment and manipulation is not reasonable.

DeltaG · 13/03/2018 09:05

So the sister is guilty of Harassment, Manipulation and Terrible behaviour for contacting her BIL is she??? What a croc of shite!

Christ there are some precious people about!

elisenbrunnen · 13/03/2018 09:35

Delta anyone who went to my DP to manipulate me into her seeing me and my dc is guilty of harassment, yes.

OP is trying to lay down boundaries - she doesn't say she wants to remove herself and her family from her sister, just to keep it to once-in-a-while, get-togethers. And that's fine.

Otherwise the sister is trampling all over what OP wants, for her own family. and that is not fine. And she should not have to put up with it.

She is not 'horrible and a coward'; there is no need to say anything horrible or confront the sister in any way. Just distance, boundaries. Happy to meet when they both want to.
Delta you do seem over-invested in this, and have posted some really nasty comments. Do you feel that women/sisters/family should stick together, regardless? That you should be there when someone (family) calls on you, whenever they want, whatever you are doing? That they are entitled to visit, demand, call, influence you, whenever they want, and you should have no say in it?
That your children should be made available for the wider family to do as they will?

Whizbang · 13/03/2018 10:11

Sorry OP, as pps have said unless there is more of a back story here YAB a bit U. I can't really see anything in your OP to justify freezing your sister out like that, just that you are different personality types. It's annoying that she contacted your husband but you say that you've been fobbing her off for years so perhaps you've accidentally given the impression that you'd rather organise dates via DH because you never have diary handy, never sure if you're available etc.

I think some of the responses here are harsh, but I do feel sorry for your sister who appears to be really wanting a stronger relationship with you and your family. I don't see anything wrong with that. Can you not just be honest with her? You say you've been fobbing her off for 5-6 years now. If you are really sure then just be straight with her. But I would think long and hard before you do...it's not just your relationship with your sister that is jeopardised but also your kids relationship with their cousins.

DeltaG · 13/03/2018 10:48

@elisenbrunnen

You sound ridiculous; this person is the OP's sister FGS, not some stalker or deranged stranger. The OP said herself she's running out of excuses to put her off; from the sister's POV she's just trying to maintain the relationship and doesn't understand that the OP isn't interested in her.

The sister obviously thinks the relationship is worth it, hence her repeat attempts at contact. The OP should stop hiding behind pathetic excuses and have the courage to tell her.

elisenbrunnen · 13/03/2018 11:19

Delta - I'm sounding ridiculous? You are the one who says the OP is cowardly, and horrible.

To me the OP sounds normal, and actually any member of my family who demands (and manipulates dp into being a flying monkey) gets the opposite effect. I have no problem distancing myself from anyone - family, friend, stranger - who demands more from me than I wish to give.

Why would you? Genuine question. Why would anyone give over more than you wish to - simply because this is family? Do you bend over backwards to accommodate your family? If so, why? Do you ever think a member of your family is over-stepping your boundaries - or do you not consider there to be any boundaries, because she is 'family'?

It's not a question of 'not being interested' - she might be a sister but this does not give her the right to guilt the OP into more of her time that OP has!

Ginseng1 · 13/03/2018 11:24

OK I think I'd have got the message by now n wouldn't go trying to contact the DP behind the Ops back. But maybe she wants her baby to know her cousins. The older cousins (teens) on my side are mad about the babies in our family get a great laugh out of them. N the young ones look up to the older ones it's nice but guess not everyone wants that. There must be something else to it!

Hadalifeonce · 13/03/2018 11:35

My sister is older than me, and we never really got on growing up, then she got married and had her family; I saw her occasionally, but our lives were completely different.
Move forward many years, I had my first child, and obviously my sister wanted to see her nephew, and ever since them we have grown very close, partly because we have something in common, and partly because we are both older the age gap seems a lot smaller.
Thsi may not be the same for you in your situation, but it might be worth a try?

DeltaG · 13/03/2018 11:40

I said she sounds horrible, not that she is horrible. And I said she's a coward because she clearly is by the way she's described the situation.

I personally don't let people walk all over me no, but then if there is an issue with someone I raise it instead of hiding behind excuses and passive aggression.

The world doesn't revolve around the OP's wants and wishes. If she wants to cut a close family member out of her life for no obvious reason, she needs to be prepared to explain why or else expect the family member to continue to attempt contact. The lack of emotional intelligence on the part of the OP (& yourself) is quite surprising.
Such attempted contact isn't 'manipulation' or stalking or whatever, it's a bemused attempt to maintain a relationship.

No-one is obliged to have any relationship with anyone else, but they need to have the empathy and good grace to be honest and say so if they don't, instead of keeping someone dangling on a string. Not come on the internet all 'woe-is-me' and start whinging about how hard done by they are.

GnomeDePlume · 13/03/2018 12:47

But DeltaG the OP isnt wanting to cut her out of her life she just isnt wanting to cut her in.

The sister isnt trying to maintain a relationship. From the OP a relationship doesnt exist and the sister is trying to create one. The OP is quite happy with the status quo.

I dont get this obsession with creating relationships with cousins when geography and family dynamic make the relationship forced and artificial.

DeltaG · 13/03/2018 12:54

@GnomeDePlume

Fair enough; she should let the sister know the score then.

Cool name btw!

LetsSplashMummy · 13/03/2018 13:13

I think you are being to woolly with your lame excuses (your words) and should take control a bit more. How often and in what context would you like to see her and your DN? Book it in and when you are there book the next one - even if it is 2 months away. It can be visiting your parents for lunch together -doesn't have to be 1-to-1 pressure. If you feel you really can't face that you should make a cleaner break altogether and own the impression your family will have of you for that.

The DH thing looks bad, but we don't know which fibs and excuses you were using then, so might just be logical. If my DBro had a problem with his phone, was poorly or was really busy with something for a few weeks I would call my SIL to get together or try to help out. We're a fairly normal family as well and I know DH has been called by my family members when I've been ill.

All your complaints are things you "feel" not things she actually does. I think that is why you are getting a hard time, but perhaps it is worth reflecting on. If you are simmering a bit about her not understanding having older children, then talk to her - rehearse phrases if you have to "you'll have this in 10 years, I miss the easy baby days...etc" Bottling it up isn't helping anyone and keeping quiet to be polite then ghosting someone is both confusing and mean. Talking honestly is always better than just being polite if being polite results in you being extremely hurtful down the line.

Take control of both the meet ups and the conversations, its your head in the sand that is causing you stress, not anything your sister is doing. Your current approach isn't working, no more rubbish excuses or fishing for support on here so you can keep on being flaky, it isn't working and you are both miserable with it. Good luck, I hope you both find a balance you are happy with.

GnomeDePlume · 13/03/2018 17:07

@DeltaG thank you!

I agree that in the end OP is going to need to say something. The difficulty will be finding the right way of saying it.

'I would prefer to keep to the meet ups we have at the moment.'

Thankfully the relationship with my brother fizzled out before the curse of social media would have made it more dramatic. It took a while to get it through to DM that the cousins didnt have anything in common and attempting to force them together didnt change this.

Mumsmet · 17/03/2018 14:28

Oh dear- why do the Daily Mail do this?

Woman branded harsh for rejecting sister's efforts at friendship
dailym.ai/2GCvUOa

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/03/2018 14:33

It's just fucking weird Mumsmet. So lazy and odd. This isn't news FFS. They're obsessed with MN. Freaks.

ChasedByBees · 17/03/2018 14:35

Why can’t your children develop a relationship with her separately to you? She their aunt, not someon unconnected.

Allthewaves · 17/03/2018 15:06

Perhaps she just wants to spend time with her neices/nephews? People change after having a baby and start to value different things.

Trumpdump · 17/03/2018 19:08

Sorry, but the comments on that DM article are hilarious...

Mumsmet · 17/03/2018 23:09

Yes, so weird and poor, lazy journalism.

Mumsmet · 17/03/2018 23:10

@trumpdump I will have a look at the comments

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