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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my sister would back off

124 replies

AnotherSliceOfToast · 12/03/2018 13:16

I don't get on with my sister. We have different types of personalities and just aren't close. We always clashed when we were growing up. We weren't worse enemies but there is just no connection between us.

I am happy getting on with my life and meeting up occassionally. I have no desire to be meeting every week.

My sister constantly measages me over the last 5 or 6 years trying to meet up. She has plenty of close friends so it is not that she is lonely - but it seems she has decided that because we are sisters we must be best friends even if I'm constantly clearly indicating that this is not what I want. I'm sick of being put in the position of trying to think of lame excuses to decline - because it makes me seem like a horrible person when I'm actually just trying to get on with my life and do my own thing.

She tries to arrange to spend time with my children separately to me but I am not comfortable with this for two reasons -firstly, its that we just aren't close so weird sending my children off with someone I don't really like. And secondly, I find she doesn't really understand older children and is easily shocked by quite minor misbehavior and is too stern. My children are mostly very well behaved at home and school but aren't perfect - and I don't like the thought of them being alone with her and being disciplined by someone like that. She has a baby who is very placid and I think she feels this is purely a reflection of her superior parenting - whereas I feel that managing older DCs can actually be harder as they have their own opinions etc.

Because I usually decline to meet up, she has started texting my DH directly (by-passing me) to arrange meet ups with me or my children. DH doesn't commit to anything as he knows we are not close. Its just really annoying me and putting me off her even more. I was meeting her from time to time for coffee just to keep things happy but I don't feel like meeting her at all anymore because of this.

I don't feel I can directly say anything as she already comes across as the saintly one in my family - the one who is reaching out trying to be friends - and I am seen as terrible and cold for not being kind and accepting all her attempts.

OP posts:
k2p2k2tog · 12/03/2018 13:49

ou know, just because you share DNA with someone doesn't make you the best of buddies.

Lots of people are "so close" or "cherish" their families, other people can't stand the sight of them. Lots of us are in the middle - tolerate our siblings at family events but recognise that they aren't the sorts of people we'd choose to be friends with.

Relationships between cousins isn't the be all and end all either, especially as OP says her kids are quite a bit older. A 10 or 12 year old has no interest in "having a relationship" with a 1 year old baby.

OP tell her to back off. You are under no obligation to have a close relationship with anyone you don't want to, including siblings.

And the rest of you, give over with the Peggy Mitchell "But it's faaaaaarrrrmmmlllllleeeeeee" stuff.

HollyBayTree · 12/03/2018 13:49

Are your parents still alive?
Any other siblings?

TBH, OP, I really dont know why your sister bothers Confused

Fraying · 12/03/2018 13:49

I don't think you sound awful. I have a similar issue with one of my sisters. She's very judgemental and very gossipy. Partly, she would want to spend time with my DCs (without me) so she could try to find out more about our lives and then tell everyone else what she found out. Plus, contact always has to be on her terms.
We are very different personalities.
I don't think there is anything you can do about it since you don't want to be blunt and be painted as the bad person to the rest of the family. Maybe schedule a monthly catch-up with DHs and DCs and then there's no need for the constant calls and texts. Plus having your partners there might help to balance the situation.

MovingLocation · 12/03/2018 13:49

OP Please ignore the unpleasant comments and judgemental posts - only you know what your relationship with her is like and many on here who shout that you're horrible or unreasonable come from happy, close families and have no indea what the alternative to that is like.

littlepeas · 12/03/2018 13:49

Maybe try seeing her a bit more - you might surprise yourself and find that making the effort is worthwhile. I’m not that close to my sister either, but I enjoy seeing her in and out and it’s nice to see my dc interacting with their cousin.

MissClareRemembers · 12/03/2018 13:49

I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to even try to forge some sort of relationship with your own sister unless there is some massive back story?

Your comment about her “superior parenting” suggests some kind of jealousy issue in your part?

NurseButtercup · 12/03/2018 13:50

Even if you don't want to rebuild the relationship between you and your sister, would you not consider setting aside your issues in order for the children who are cousins to build a relationship?

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 13:50

The sister's either doing performance-sistering, and trying to use the OP as a prop to show how wonderful she is, or she just likes needling and stressing OP.

bonnyshide · 12/03/2018 13:53

I feel really sad for your sister, she's trying hard to maintain a relationship with you and your DC, but you aren't having any of it. Don't you think the cousins would benefit from being close? Don't you want a relationship with your own DN?

I think you just need to be honest with her, tell her you don't like her and don't want a relationship with her. It will hurt her badly, but she needs to know how you feel, poor woman.

Cornishclio · 12/03/2018 13:53

I have a different personality to my sister but am still happy to see her. We live 250 miles apart though so we don't see each other often. You are linked to your sister whether you like it or not. As your parents get older you may need to make decisions together so I don't see why you wouldn't make an effort to get on. I think it is nice she takes an interest in your kids too. YABU. You don't have to be best friends but it wouldn't kill you to meet up once a month.

FullMetalRabbit · 12/03/2018 13:54

I didn't get on with one of my sisters growing up - but we get on fine now - I have never said this on here - but you are coming across very unpleasant in your post. Maybe there is a back story that will paint you in a better light. I hope so

FelicityForthright · 12/03/2018 13:54

You have my sympathy - what your sister is doing, going to your husband behind your back etc, sounds very manipulative. But leaving that aside, even if she is lovely, there is no reason you should have to spend time with family just because they are related to you. I wonder if there is a way you could, very sweetly, get the message across that the closeness she seems to want is just never going to happen?

Fraying · 12/03/2018 13:54

The sister's either doing performance-sistering
I relate to this so much. My DSIS will always loudly offer to babysit when we're with other relatives. Yet, every single time, I have asked her to babysit, she refuses. I don't ask any more but it doesn't stop her having this charade of her being desperate to babysit when there are other family around.

Babyplaymat · 12/03/2018 13:55

Yanbu op, tanbu at all

Bodgernbadger · 12/03/2018 13:56

Are you my sister?
She does all the things you’ve said in your post
It makes me so depressed, I think about it all the time it’s a major cause of stress in my life
I try to be nice invite her to days out, my kids birthdays but she always makes up lame excuses
So now I’ve backed off, and left her alone
We haven’t spoken since November, not even a text, I find it so hurtful, i wasn’t trying to take over her life or butt in, just maintain contact for our children’s (who are cousins) sake
You sound horrible so you are being very unreasonable

quizqueen · 12/03/2018 14:00

It's nice for cousins to have regular family contact even if you don't seem to like your sister very much. So, just keep on arranging family occasions but you don't have to meet up with her separately for coffee or send your kids over on their own unless they are keen to go. Your husband needs to tell her he is not going to be the go between!

k2p2k2tog · 12/03/2018 14:02

It's nice for cousins to have regular family contact

How so, when you're talking about a baby and much older children?

QueenDramaLlama · 12/03/2018 14:02

She's your sister, of course she wants to keep in touch!

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 14:02

There's nothing horrible in simply not wanting a close relationship with someone. It's far more horrible to keep pushing for it when the other person is making it as obvious as they can that they do not want to be close to you. No adult has a right to a relationship with any other adult. and continual pestering is likely to lead to some fairly brutal things being said.

Though if someone is a self-obsessed bully, or a whiner, or manipulative, that may be the whole point. Push and push and push until the other person snaps and tells you to fuck off completely - then you can go wailing and bawling to everyone else about how wicked your victim is,, and what a wonderful kind person you have been.

Northernpowerhouse · 12/03/2018 14:03

OP I get where you are coming from. I have 3 sisters, we all live a long way from each other so this is not an issue. However, if we DID live in the same town there is one sister I could happily see weekly ( we speak on the phone weekly at least) and the other 2 I would probably see less often , say monthly or every couple of months.

I love all my sisters but only have a very close relationship with one. Fortunately we all seem to feel the same!!

Flockoftreegulls · 12/03/2018 14:05

I never had much contact with my sister because of her behaviour in the past. It made me very sad and I tried really hard to have a relationship with her. In the end I just left it and hardly ever heard from her. She always put her friends before her family and was the same with our parents.
However last year her partner died suddenly and I can't believe what a difference in my sister. I think it's made her realise how much she can really count on people, some have shown that they weren't worthy of her devotion. It was under awful circumstances but I'm so grateful to have my sister back because she is the one person who knows me I don't have to pretend with her, we have reminisced together and remembered some daft things we did and I think been really honest with each other. I'm trying to support her in her bereavement and she has helped me through a very tough 6 months.
People can change, maybe having her baby has made her want to try and make an effort with you.
I'm not having a go op, I'm just wondering if you could give her a chance?

Hissy · 12/03/2018 14:05

OP has described a relationship with her sister that has always been at best lukewarm, at times fraught, so its perfectly understandable that OP doesn't want to be more closely connected.

Difficult family scenarios are impossible to understand if you have never had them, so please, as I say time and time again, can knock it off with finger pointing and personal stuff?

a good, loving, supporting family IS a thing to cherish, one like I had is not, and it's really fucking hurtful to be blamed for things we really never wanted to happen in the first place, or to be told 'Aw, how could you? this is your mum/dad/sister/brother..."

OP has a right to see who she wants to, and by the sounds of it, the sis KNOWS there is an issue and this is why she's circumventing the OP and going to the DG

OP, my suggestion would be to ask your H not to reply at all, and if you don't want to meet up, don't. I know what my family has done to me, what my own mother has done to my child, I would not allow any of them to have any time alone with him.

I'd be most pissed off if my family tried to get things arranged without my consent by going direct to people who don't have the last word with what I do or don't do.

Have you told her not to contact your H about meet ups? have you told her that you won't be arranging time for her to have your kids?

I'd suggest that you call her up and gently state that you are feeling bulldozed by her and that she has to stop it. You will arrange things when you want to.

Avasarala · 12/03/2018 14:07

Not getting in when you're growing up is one thing; everyone is a bit self-centred, you're still learning who you are etc but when you are a grown up with children of your own, you make time for family. You sound like the problem, not her. She seems to have put the childish behaviour behind her and is trying to improve family relations and you're still acting like the stroppy teenager who "just doesn't want too". So what if she's a more strict parent? My sister and her partner do not have children, but whenever they see mine I always get a "just say no. Just do this, just do that" as if that's all parenting is, but I ignore it. If you don't want you kids alone with her, then stop ignoring her!! Meet up as a family, make an effort. Grow up.

quizqueen · 12/03/2018 14:08

k2p2k2tog
So it's not important for babies to spend time with older children or for older children to learn how to behave around babies. Quite a ridiculous comment, in my opinion!

Hissy · 12/03/2018 14:08

I like my sister's kids, but they are her kids, not mine. I'm not bothered if I see them or not, I'm not even remotely interested in whether my son has contact with them or not. they are just someone else's kids.

I do wonder why people get so hung up on FAAAAAAAMMMMILY, when the old saying "You can choose your friends, but the devil chooses your family" is a VERY old and established one. It's hardly breaking news.