To wish my sister would back off

[AnotherSliceOfToast]

I don't get on with my sister. We have different types of personalities and just aren't close. We always clashed when we were growing up. We weren't worse enemies but there is just no connection between us.

I am happy getting on with my life and meeting up occassionally. I have no desire to be meeting every week.

My sister constantly measages me over the last 5 or 6 years trying to meet up. She has plenty of close friends so it is not that she is lonely - but it seems she has decided that because we are sisters we must be best friends even if I'm constantly clearly indicating that this is not what I want. I'm sick of being put in the position of trying to think of lame excuses to decline - because it makes me seem like a horrible person when I'm actually just trying to get on with my life and do my own thing.

She tries to arrange to spend time with my children separately to me but I am not comfortable with this for two reasons -firstly, its that we just aren't close so weird sending my children off with someone I don't really like. And secondly, I find she doesn't really understand older children and is easily shocked by quite minor misbehavior and is too stern. My children are mostly very well behaved at home and school but aren't perfect - and I don't like the thought of them being alone with her and being disciplined by someone like that. She has a baby who is very placid and I think she feels this is purely a reflection of her superior parenting - whereas I feel that managing older DCs can actually be harder as they have their own opinions etc.

Because I usually decline to meet up, she has started texting my DH directly (by-passing me) to arrange meet ups with me or my children. DH doesn't commit to anything as he knows we are not close. Its just really annoying me and putting me off her even more. I was meeting her from time to time for coffee just to keep things happy but I don't feel like meeting her at all anymore because of this.

I don't feel I can directly say anything as she already comes across as the saintly one in my family - the one who is reaching out trying to be friends - and I am seen as terrible and cold for not being kind and accepting all her attempts.

I don't know why you are getting the responses you are on this thread. You are allowed to not want to spend time with someone, and being related to them doesn't change that at all. No one has a right to a relationship with anyone.

Because I usually decline to meet up, she has started texting my DH directly (by-passing me) to arrange meet ups with me or my children.
That's rubbish behaviour, and would not make me want to spend more time with her.

k2p2k2tog - I agree, very Peggy Mitchell!

YANBU OP - not every family is perfect and I'm not close to my brother at all so I get it. There are always back stories to these things so others can't and shouldn't judge you on it.

Maybe your sister has different family values to you, and thinks that spending time with you is worthwhile purely because you are family, even if you have different views or ways of doing things - that's perfectly valid, even if you don't share those values.

She seems to want to invest time in your relationship, and her relationship with your children. I think that is actually a really nice thing.

In terms of your differences, that's kind of what family are for - helping us learn to get along with and appreciate people who are not the same as us! Do you only want to spend time with people who are exactly the same as you? That's not a very rich environment for you or your children.

Quizqueen - that's not what I meant at all, obviously.

What I was referring to was all the bleating about the OP "owing" it to her kids to build relationships with cousins who are considerably younger than her kids. Kids who have nothing in common with each other in terms of age and interests, other than the fact their mothers are sisters.

We get it - some families are like the Waltons and all live in the same street, in and out of each other's houses all the time, best friends for ever and ever.

Other families aren't like that. Even if you don't hate your sibling's guts you might just not get on with them AND THAT'S OK. You shouldn't have to feel that it's your duty to spend lots of time with people you don't get on with, because you're related.

All this "family, family, family" stuff is crazy.

I agree with quite a few posts on here, YANBU, OP.

I have an awful relationship with my family too, not through my fault or because I wanted it to be awful. My DM is a pain, I see her weekly but all she does is call people, gossip, slag people off, she's so negative about everything, and everything she says she's 'right', even if you prove she's wrong, then she blows up. If she says something and you disagree, she will wipe the floor with you. It takes all my strength to deal with her for one day a week, it literally drains the life out of me and she wonders why I go to bed at 9pm every night :/ I have no energy left to deal with them.

My Dsis has a similar personality, always right, won't be told otherwise, she talks to me and others like I'm shit, looks down on others, slags people off. She apparently has anxiety (she uses this as an excuse for everything and uses it to manipulate people), she's very manipulative, spiteful and selfish. However, because of these traits, people assume I'm the carbon copy of her, which I'm not, I'm the polar opposite.

I got her a job where I work as I thought I was doing her a favour, getting her out of the house and earning money, except it backfired on me, she talks to me like crap at work, manipulates people and again, people believe I'm the one in the wrong and she's the martyr, even without doing anything. It's an awful feeling being related to these types of people. I feel like they've taken over my life, it's a nightmare.

They're both so negative about everything and overbearing, and it's draining.

I am not a blood is thicker than water type at all. I am NC with my father's family because they are a bunch of cunts.

However, I find your post very strange. Is there a back story OP? I hope there is. Do you actually dislike her or have no interest in her? The way you describe it, it seems like the latter. Do you value companionship or are happier without it?

The role I value the most, apart from mother, is Aunt. My nieces are much older than my own kids and I love having such a close relationship with them. Their relationship with my kids is really important too despite the large age gaps. I love the fact that my sister has started to make more effort to get to know my kids - before it was somewhat one sided.

Do you get on with and see your parents OP?

Everyone saying you're awful for not wanting to spend time with her because you're sister clearly doesn't have a relative they just don't click with or enjoy being around... or they are they'll at relative to everyone else and are oblivious.

I'm fairly close to my siblings now I'm older but certainly not as close as a lot of people are to their siblings. But DH isn't at all close to his brother- they're completely different and neither of us really enjoy his company or his wifes. Just because they're family doesn't mean we should be really close and see them all the time. The only reason we see them at all is because they are family, if they weren't I doubt we'd even still know them.

I'm surprised at many of the responses, just because someone is your sibling doesn't mean you're obligated to have a close relationship if the only thing you have in common is having the same parents. There doesn't always need to be a big dramatic background story to justify it, some people just don't get along.

The OP has said: "AnotherSliceOfToast

I don't get on with my sister. We have different types of personalities and just aren't close. We always clashed when we were growing up. We weren't worse enemies but there is just no connection between us."

Also... "I am happy getting on with my life and meeting up occassionally. I have no desire to be meeting every week."

Not the same as wanting to cut her out of her life completely.

It sounds like her sister is trying to force a close relationship when it's simply not possible because they're so different. Her sister has overstepped things by going to the OP's husband when it should have been clear the OP wasn't interested.

Unfortunately OP if you want her to back off on wanting to meet up all the time then you will likely have to confront it head on with her and prepare best you can for family fallout over it.

I don't think YABU and I can get where you're coming from. I actually get on ok with my DSis but I think that's partly because she lives at the other end of the country! I do think that you need to be brave and say something, though, as she is not going to stop by the look of it. Family dynamics can be very odd, and no-one else understands how you feel. You clearly have not been agreeable to your DSis's plans for you all, so I do wonder why she keeps trying? She seems to have decided that you don't have a say in it and what she wants is more important than what you want. And I wouldn't be happy with her being alone with my DC. Please try and be brave and tell her to back off.

Not a sibling thing but I do have extended family that I don't go and see because they are 'difficult' people and frankly I can't be bothered to pretend I like them just because we are related, so I get how you feel.

But unless there's a massive backstory it sounds like she just wants you both to try and have a relationship, and wants to be close to your nieces and nephews. Could you try and compromise on monthly meet ups or something?

I could be on the other side of this.
It is heartbreaking when someone you care a great deal for basically ghosts you and the rest of the family and only has minimal interactive with you.

There has been no big fall out but for some reason because you can't deal with a different personality, or a different point of view you cut people out of your life.

To not have someone you care about not bother about birthday's except a text if you are lucky, make excuses for any family gatherings and never enquire to your health or how you or your family are is so upsetting.

You never give up that one day the relationship will improve. You can't be there for them, you can't laugh with them, you cant moan about your other sibling or parent with them.

The only way to have a relationship with your nieces or nephews is to forge one yourself. To stop them forging a relationship is cruel.

Reading this has made me so sad.
Unless there is a massive back story you are being very cruel.

YANBU. You don't owe anyone a relationship with you, you are free to spend time with whoever you want. You're not obliged to be best buddies with anyone just because you happen to be related. Your sister sounds very pushy and unable to take a hint/no for an answer, and bypassing you and going through your DH is just weird. Can you change you change your phone number/block her on social media if she can't take a hint?

I don't think yabu at all, I have a sibling I would happily never see again.

I really think you need to make stand on the dh texts though, a simple "Mary why are you texting dh about meeting with either me or the kids? Please don't this this, it annoys us both, text only me please"

It does seem a bit odd. I wasn't very close to my sis growing up as she's 6 years older. We don't see each other for weeks on end and only live 10 miles away. But, I still enjoy seeing her. We know each others' children well even though hers are adult and mine are teens. Is there more to this?

Totally agree with Reanimated and others that YANBU. But I knew you would get all the "how can you be so mean, she's your SISTER!" posts!

You have been reasonable IMO by keeping in contact and seeing her sometimes, and I know plenty of people who have less close relationships with a sibling than that.

She however is being pushy, needy and out of order by trying to push you into more contact in sneaky roundabout ways. As a PP said she can't be unaware that you try to resist it, but instead of caring how you feel, she wants to force you to meet her needs anyway. And people like that get to hide behind the "just being friendly!" excuse - so annoying!

With your DC, it depends how old they are but if they're old enough to say if they want to spend time with her, I'd go with that.

However I would be sending her a letter or email, telling her, as assertively and calmly as possible, that you don't appreciate her trying to go "over your head" and that you have different values from her (e.g. her strictness with your kids) and if you want to meet up less often than she does, your preferences are as valid as hers.

Yes the shit will hit the fan. But this type of needy and controlling behaviour relies on you not daring to rock the boat.

Get a grip of yourself and maybe get some therapy to try and work out why you are so horrible
Take your own advice, Chicken .

YANBU, your life, your choice. She knows full well why you don't want to know but she doesn't care, some people just care about their own feelings & no-one else's.

Your DH needs to totally ignore her when she contacts him, that way she'll stop trying to go through him.

You don't sound so pleasant yourself Chicken

You don't need anyone else to tell you you're wrong op. If you're not comfortable with having a relationship with her it's your choice.

Some really dreadful nasty responses on here.

"And I think people in families are very often assigned different roles, so the posters saying you sound harsh perhaps haven't experienced the golden child / scapegoat differential."

Yes ignore the ignorant responses from those who can't comprehend that JUST because someone is family doesn't mean they treat you well or even that you automatically get along.

I'm Nc with my sister for a lot of reasons, but certainly one of them is her being very harsh on my dd.

They're your DC you know them AND your sister and if you (and by the sounds of it dh too) aren't comfortable with her having sole charge of them that's reason enough.

Wrt how often you see her, again that's your choice, there's no obligation there. But I do think the idea of suggesting times to meet up might help manage her better.

She is out of order trying to circumvent you by going to dh and I hope he's backing you up.

I strongly suspect there's far more to this anyway.

"The sister's either doing performance-sistering" yep been on the receiving end of that - excellent way of describing it.

"you make time for family" genuine question why? Especially interested in answer to this if that family member hasn't treated you well - doesn't need to be as bad as abuse just generally being not nice?

God, OP - your mistake is to post this in AIBU! You should know that of course you are BU, are horrible, posters will say that they are glad you are not my sister....really, just for the sake o fit. Most posters on AIBU have no interest in right or wrong, just in kicking someone. For anything. Anytime.

I could have written your post. I am actually NC with my toxic sister, but I also get 'but she's your siiiiistttttttttttttterrrrrrrr!' - like that is supposed to mean she is pure and loving and kind. She isn't, really isn't.

So I get that you are not close, and don't want to be. And that it is OK! Tell your DH to block her number - she doesn't need it, and is being PA and pushy contacting him. He is not her flying monkey.

Just let the poor woman have a relationship with her extended family even if you don’t want it. Pardon? Let someone have access and contact with your children,just because they want it?

And we wonder why people have problems laying down boundaries.

The OP is trying to lay down boundaries. And you think she should be letting someone walk all over them? Why? becuase she's family.

I wonder does your Sis have some sort of rosy idea of extended family and cousins getting along (probably from reading MN) and has therefore decided That's How It Must Be, regardless of the OP's feelings on it.

It would certainly put me off. I have a whole tribe of sisters, we all get on (now) some better with than others, although even at that, I would only see them every 2 - 4 months at most. Anything else feels stifling and we're all busy.

Maybe there's a backstory, maybe not - it's actually irrelevant - the thing is that the sister isn't respecting the OP's boundaries on this. I can't help there is a lot of societal conditioning that says that sisters have to get along no matter what.

My issue isn’t that the op doesn’t want to have anything to do with her sister, it’s that the sisters been trying to have a relationship for 5-6 years and op won’t just tell her to stop because of wider family.
That’s cruel and unkind.
Just say to her look we’re different people, my kids are older, we are both busy, let’s just stick to seeing each other at family do’s.
Op might not want to look like the “bad one” but it’s very difficult to “ghost” your sister without an explanation.

I am feeling so sad for your sister. She is clearly trying so hard to have a close family, and you are feeling the opposite. I am amazed you haven't fallen out already, but given she is still a 'problem' to you then the best thing you can do is be kind but honest.

Tell her you are very busy, how does meeting up for special occasions suit her? You don't want to keep putting her off, she best she knows that weekly meet ups are just not possible.

I would NOT tell her you don't like her (clearly you don't) you will break her heart and your comments will never be forgotten.