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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my sister would back off

124 replies

AnotherSliceOfToast · 12/03/2018 13:16

I don't get on with my sister. We have different types of personalities and just aren't close. We always clashed when we were growing up. We weren't worse enemies but there is just no connection between us.

I am happy getting on with my life and meeting up occassionally. I have no desire to be meeting every week.

My sister constantly measages me over the last 5 or 6 years trying to meet up. She has plenty of close friends so it is not that she is lonely - but it seems she has decided that because we are sisters we must be best friends even if I'm constantly clearly indicating that this is not what I want. I'm sick of being put in the position of trying to think of lame excuses to decline - because it makes me seem like a horrible person when I'm actually just trying to get on with my life and do my own thing.

She tries to arrange to spend time with my children separately to me but I am not comfortable with this for two reasons -firstly, its that we just aren't close so weird sending my children off with someone I don't really like. And secondly, I find she doesn't really understand older children and is easily shocked by quite minor misbehavior and is too stern. My children are mostly very well behaved at home and school but aren't perfect - and I don't like the thought of them being alone with her and being disciplined by someone like that. She has a baby who is very placid and I think she feels this is purely a reflection of her superior parenting - whereas I feel that managing older DCs can actually be harder as they have their own opinions etc.

Because I usually decline to meet up, she has started texting my DH directly (by-passing me) to arrange meet ups with me or my children. DH doesn't commit to anything as he knows we are not close. Its just really annoying me and putting me off her even more. I was meeting her from time to time for coffee just to keep things happy but I don't feel like meeting her at all anymore because of this.

I don't feel I can directly say anything as she already comes across as the saintly one in my family - the one who is reaching out trying to be friends - and I am seen as terrible and cold for not being kind and accepting all her attempts.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 12/03/2018 15:20

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RhodaBorrocks · 12/03/2018 15:28

You sound like my sister OP. Everything she does is to constantly try to one-up me - better job, house, car, big wedding etc etc. She judges me for being a single parent, 'wasting' my degree, how i spend money, how i interact with our parents etc. It all stems from her feeling inadequate as a child as I was a high flier until I became disabled (my disability being the thing she says I've "used" to "steal" all our parents attention). She doesn't want to interact with me.

The kicker is I never judged her, I am only happy for all her success and I've always adored her. She has no need to one-up me. It's not a competition, and I'm losing if it is one! She can have my disability if she wants - I'd rather have the ability to live up to my potential!

Realising she didn't feel the same about me as I do her and walking away from her was the hardest thing I've ever done.

I would never text her DH to get to her, but I do empathise with your sister based on how you've put it here. Unless there's some big backstory and she's done something specific that's hurtful or vindictive - or anything other than coming on a bit strong - then I feel quite sorry for both of you really.

spicerack · 12/03/2018 15:34

I think YABU and you should just tell her you'd like to see her but take things slowly as a PP said. If something awful happened to her you would feel guilty for constantly making excuses to not see your sister and for denying you children to have a relationship with their auntie

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 15:38

If you really don't want her contacting you or your DH anymore you have to speak up and tell exactly why. Which tbh I'm not really sure the reasons are. From what you've said she doesn't sound bad at all.

Maybe the problem is you and not her OP?

GnomeDePlume · 12/03/2018 15:39

I understand where you are coming from AnotherSliceOfToast. Not all families are close.

I have a brother I am not close to (I dont even have an address for him). We werent close growing up and while there has been no big drama about going NC we arent in contact with each other at all.

BibbityBobbityBollocks · 12/03/2018 15:40

Hmm. I'm NC with my sister (huge back story but the abridged version is she has hated me from childhood actually acknowledged and recognised by other family and I've spent my life trying to please her) it came to a head a few years ago when I stood up to her and it didn't go well. We've been NC ever since (previous NC for up to 2 yrs at a time at her insistence with me trying to make up for some perceived slight, again recognised by other family members that actually I hadn't done anything and I was her punchbag whenever things didn't go her way)
Anyway what I'm trying to say is how you feel is how you feel, you can't change that.
I feel desperately sad that I don't see my DNs and my kids no longer see their cousins but truthfully I wouldn't be friends with her if we met say at school or work, I don't actually think she's a very nice person.
So do your sister a favour, be honest then go NC or LC. I say this because despite feeling quite sad that I would never have the relationship I "thought" sisters should have I'm actually relieved that I no longer have walk on eggshells for fear saying or doing the wrong thing just for her to use NC as a weapon against me or my children.
I actually don't care what she thinks anymore, my self esteem is getting there as the toxicity of the relationship left me fairly damaged.
Be honest OP and give her the opportunity to move on from idea of a close relationship with you and your kids.
Apologies for length of post and good luck.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 12/03/2018 15:42

Op sounds nothing like your sister RhodaBorricks Confused none of that was mentioned in her post

MayCatt · 12/03/2018 15:50

I feel really bad for your sister. Unless there is some huge backstory where she melted your favourite my little pony in the microwave like my DSis and I still like her, then I think you're being unreasonable and unkind. How would you feel if one of your DC suddenly decided they didn't like the other and ghosted them?! Try and find some common ground with her.

elisenbrunnen · 12/03/2018 16:33

Rhoda where does it say that OP tries to 'one-up' her sister? You are totally projecting that.

Op sounds perfectly normal to me, trying to juggle work, kids, family and her own life, with a sister who is trying to guilt her (OP) into giving more of herself than she wants to. And now has contacted her own DH in order to lay more guilt on her.

Lethaldrizzle · 12/03/2018 16:36

Would it really hurt to spend some t8me with her though

FranticallyPeaceful · 12/03/2018 16:39

My message was deleted because I told her she needs to explain to her instead of just not explaining and then moaning about her trying to make an effort?

That’s hilarious.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 17:00

People who don't take a hint are a massive PITA, though. They are either thick as shit, or they are intentionally trying to make the other person angry enough to speak plainly, so they can play the victim. A really handy Rule for Life is never to ask more than three times unless the other person makes it really clear that they do want to spend time with you and it's just a matter of busy schedules. After the third refusal, you say something like 'well, give me a call when you have some free time' and then you back the fuck off. What you don't do, if you're a nice, reasonable person, is enlist others to force your target to submit to your wishes.

Mumminmum · 12/03/2018 17:25

One of my SILs was also very smug because of her "superior parenting" when her DD and our DD were toddlers. Because her DD was so "well-mannered", that when they planted her on a blanket (often without toys) she would just stay there for hours while SIL and her DH did whatever they pleased and didn't interact with the child at all. Whereas I had to be close to my DS whenever we visited them because their house and garden were not child proof at all. Broken glass, tools and pesticides in easy to reach height in the garden. Porcelain, sharp knives and electronics in toddler height in the house. Their smugness continued untill they were called into a meeting at their DD's nursery in which the nursery staff expressed their grave concern with our niece's passivity and gave SIL and her DH a very long lecture about stimulating their child and not cruelly ignoring her. So .... anyhow ..... just because someone think they have superior parenting skills, doesn't make it so.

mimibunz · 12/03/2018 17:46

Going behind your back to your DH is a serious issue. She’s trying to divide and conquer, and manipulate. I suspect this isn’t the first time she’s tried to insert herself where she doesn’t belong.

GnomeDePlume · 12/03/2018 18:05

ReanimatedSGB I do agree with you. It is the OP's sister who is trying to change the relationship. Surely the onus is on her to explain what she is believing has changed since their childhood? Why is it the OP who has to spell things out? She isnt the one doing the pursuing.

Not everybody wants to play 'Happy Families' with siblings they feel no bond with. My family is all pretty distant, I dont think I would be able to pick my cousins out of a line-up. It isnt sad it just is what it is.

Ruffian · 12/03/2018 18:11

You've got issues with your sister and you don't want to spend time with her and that should be that. You're not under obligation to like a person just because they're 'family'.

You don't have to explain or justify your feelings either - so many posters browbeating you to be 'honest' - that can be really difficult when someone just doesn't want to accept what you're saying and your words will be used against you by the family.

Linning · 12/03/2018 18:17

If there is no massive backstory and it's all about a "lack of connection" between you two I would say you are slightly being unreasonable because you don't have to be best friends but she is your children's aunt and as long as she treats them well/with respect, I think you should try and encourage them to build a relationship. Do you not care about having a relationship with your niece or nephew either?

Now if she is extremely toxic or whatever then YANBU. I despise the oldest of my brothers and I genuinely would have to be dead and burried before he could ever get close to a child of mine or anything/anyone that mattered to me, I wouldn't even trust him to look after a cat for day tbh. I don't care what anyone else would think about me or would say about it, some people are extremely toxic and in that case the right thing is to cut them off, siblings or not.

That being said, if this brother was to have children (and I hope he doesn't) I would love to have contact with them as I don't believe in punishing children for parents matters but I am fully conscious that it may not happen.

I think you have to decide whether your differences are worth preventing your children from having a relationship with their aunt/cousin or if they are "only" annoying enough to make it a pain in the arse to see her but do-able enough to maintain a certain harmony/relationship.

Tistheseason17 · 12/03/2018 18:24

YANBU to not want a relationship with someone you don't get on with.
YABU to not actually explicitly tell her this.
Your reasons are your own - I'm not here to judge them. But... Have you considered she might need You?

I've been NC with my toxic DSis for donkeys years. But, I'd still give her a chance as people can and do change.

Iflyaway · 12/03/2018 18:46

She sounds controlling.

Like my sister.

You are perfectly in your right to not dance to her tune.

BibbityBobbityBollocks · 12/03/2018 18:47

I don't think the OP needs to explain herself to her sister but it does seem like her sister hasn't got the hint and is now involving OPs DH, so perhaps a firm "No I don't want to meet and please don't involve DH" is necessary, if only for the OP to avoid being strong-armed into a situation that is making her unhappy and having to interact even if it's just by text when she doesnt want to.
We can't all be the Waltons, you don't get on or feel close so be it.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 12/03/2018 19:02

Oh what a shame, I don’t meet up with my brother, he was very difficult when we were growing up, I love my niece and my nephew to bits though. They are late teens and are close to my DC even though there’s an age gap, the more people who love my DC the better if you ask me. You don’t have to say faaammmly like it’s a bad thing, you don’t have to live in each others pockets to be a good family.

Bogmoppit · 13/03/2018 07:48

The OP got everyone riled up and didn't come back.

How unusual Hmm

Fishface77 · 13/03/2018 08:03

Isn’t it just Bog.
Strange how when OPs hear things they don’t want to they don’t come back.
Or
When they don’t come back you start thinking they are hairy handed.

DeltaG · 13/03/2018 08:14

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LittleLionMansMummy · 13/03/2018 08:27

You do sound cold op, this has to be about more than a lack of connection between you. Also, 'she has a baby' - that baby is your niece/ nephew. It's strange that you don't want your dc to have a relationship with their cousin either. I fell out with dsis (in a big way) a few years ago. We didn't speak to each other and weren't at all close for about a year. We still made sure we saw our nieces/ nephews and the cousins maintained a relationship.

Is there a back story, has she been very hurtful to go you in the past?

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