IVF/pregnant friend

[ohbigdaddio]

Posting here for traffic! My DH and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and are starting our 2nd IVF attempt soon. We have no DC and I have never been pregnant. I am on medication for anxiety and depression – the struggle to conceive has had a huge impact on my self esteem and mental health and I have had suicidal thoughts in my darker moments.

My friend (let's call her Debbie!) lives abroad and for the last week or so has been trying to Skype with me. There is a big time difference and we couldn't find a time when both of us could talk. I thought she wanted to see how I am doing as she knows what we are going through and that my mental health is suffering. I thought that was really nice of Debbie as she hasn't really been overly supportive and on Friday I suggested we talk today. She said texted to say she couldn't wait to talk any longer and said she had something to tell me...then she attached a scan photo and "We're having a baby!!!!!"

I burst into tears but texted back that I was really happy for her. I feel the scan photo was a bit much considering what we are going through and my mental state. Of course she is excited but there was no consideration for my feelings. (A previous friend announced her pregnancy to me by saying "I know this isn't what you want to hear at the moment but I needed to let you know I'm pregnant. I'll tell you as much or as little about it as you want to know." She also did not send a scan photo.)

Debbie is a good friend but I don't think she knows what to say about IVF. I texted her a while ago saying we would be trying again soon and please keep your fingers crossed for us. She read it but said nothing which I found very hurtful. I now know she must have been pregnant when she read that message and feel that should've given her a bit more understanding of how much we want this? I asked her the due date and she started moaning saying it will be really hot in her country by then and how will she cope? That really got to me. 'I don't care! You are pregnant, don't start moaning about it', I thought.

Anyway. We are meant to be having a chat on Skype today and I am really unsure what to do. She is a very enthusiastic, positive person anyway, so this will be magnified by 10 and she will be extremely excited I'm sure. I know the conversation will be mainly about her being pregnant. I am worried I will burst into tears as I am really envious and so sad that yet again it isn't me with the pregnancy news. I am happy for her but very sad for myself. I don't know what to do for the best – I don't want to put off the chat and her think I don't care but at the same time I'm not sure I am ready for a chat about baby clothes etc.

I am due to go to counselling tomorrow and wondered whether it would be better to work through my feelings with her before calling Debbie, but I am aware that she really wants to chat to me today.

Does anyone have any advice as I am very confused. I don't whether saying something like "I am really happy for you but I need you to know that this is really hard for me and I may find it hard to hear lots of details."? If anybody has been in this situation, how did you handle it? And if anyone has been the pregnant friend, would you be offended by a comment like that/what would you want to hear?

So, just thought I would update on the situation. I'm sad to say that one week on, Debbie has not replied to my message and I am really unsure what to do. DH says to just let her get on with it and in turn I should get on with looking after me.

Just feels uncomfortable – don't think I've ever 'fallen out' with a friend. My usual pattern of behaviour with Debbie would be to pander to her and send a text. I don't really feel I want to do that but I do feel very odd about the whole thing!

I'm sorry she hasn't replied. It's very sad that someone you thought was a friend can't support you when it's needed, I've had similar from a friend who couldn't handle a difficult situation I was in and twisted it into my problem saying I was angry and taking it out on her, although when confronted said she just found it too hard to deal with.

It sounds like Debbie has lots of other friends to share her pregnancy excitement with, so you haven't let her down. If she can't be considerate now, even though you've been completely honest rather than just avoid her (which I have done at times when I was having IVF) then as sad as it is maybe the friendship has run it's course. But you can be very sure that this is not down to you being uncommunicative or unsupportive.

She's not a good friend. She sounds like she's too selfish to be a good friend to anyone, to be honest.

I'm not saying she should have kept this from you, but she could have broken the news in a way nicer and more sensitive way. It's inexcusable to have done what she has done.

Some people are just really self-absorbed.

Firstly OP i can empathise exactly with your struggle. It's hellish.

The bottom line is this: Debbie was being very insensitive and you protected yourself from it. Perfectly politely. Perfectly correctly. The ball is now in her court.

I'm going to be blunt.

Lets imagine you text her again ... either one of two things will happen:

• she'll continue to ignore you (to punish you basically).
• she'll get back under way with the amazing 'Debbie is pregnant show'.

Do you really want that? For the next 8 months? You'll be going through similar scenarios to the last couple of weeks and it'll be unbearable. Leave her be.

Debbie sounds like a really crap friend. You're going through a really challenging time in your life and you only need people around you who are going to support you. Leave her be and focus on yourself right now x

Hi all, feeling a bit crap and need some mumsnet support/strength!

It's now over a month since I contacted Debbie to explain I was finding things hard and I needed some time. There has been complete radio silence. I'm so hurt and to top it off she has recently got a new kitten and has texted all our friends (but not me) lots of photos and videos of it. I'm a massive cat lover and before any of this she said she would send me loads of photos of it when it arrived. I've had to pretend to various friends that I've seen the photos when they've asked which was awkward.

This isn't really the point, I'm not bothered about seeing the photos but it is the fact that she is actively excluding me which really hurts. It also suggests that she is pissed off with me which a few friends IRL have told me they're sure she isn't...This time last year I did a reading at her wedding, now we're not even talking. I've had a few dreams about her so it's on my mind! I still don't agree with how she's treated me but I guess I'm hopelessly wishing that she will suddenly discover her empathy gene.

I will find out later this week if my IVF has worked so I know I should be focussing on that and not worrying about this friend!

Kind comments please, feeling a bit sorry for myself :)

I'm so sorry, @ohbigdaddio that must hurt. Is there a mutual friend who you could talk to about this? You shouldn't feel that you have to pretend to everyone.

I think your hormones are playing a part in this. The IVF drugs play havoc with your hormones, I've been through that. You should focus on that for the moment, that's what really matters.

Fingers crossed for the IVF.

I went through this when we were struggling to conceive (from tests / clomid / IVF), I watched a few of my friends announce pregnancies and not one of them took a tactful approach. I didn’t expect hearts and flowers but a simple txt before the Facebook announcement went public would have been appreciated.
Fast forward a year and and I am now pregnant (natural) and I am seeing how self involved you can become when you are expecting - I’m trying very hard not to act like the first woman to conceive! It’s easy to become wrapped up in the pregnancy and baby thoughts and feelings and that’s probably what has happened with your friend. She probably feels a mixture of guilt and awkwardness and it’s easier for her to ignore the whole situation - even though ultimately it’s probably making it worse!
If you feel up to it now could you reach out and ask how she is “I’m sorry we’ve not spoken much lately, I hope you and baby are well. It’d be lovely to catch up soon”
The thing is you either have to decide if you can deal with this or not, if you cannot come with having a pregnant (and somewhat self indulgent) friend then it’s sad but you must accept it and let her do her thing and you do yours. If you can deal with her pregnancy updates and lack of sensitivity (whether meant or not) then just reach out and try to move forward.
It’s really hard, I’m sorry for you.
For what it’s worth, I tried with 2 partners to get pregnant over 7 years...I’m now 21 weeks (natural, not IVF). I had an awful time and never thought it would happen - I was in denial until baby started to move! Keep positive, it can happen! Good luck :)

You owe Debbie nothing. She isn't a friend. As someone else said she just wanted to talk about herself. She isn't interested in you. I've been where you were and I cut the person out as they had no interest in my pain and just wanted to talk about themselves.

Fingers crossed for your IVF results. How are you feeling?

If I was being generous, I might suggest that Debbie wasn’t replying to your text because you’d essentially asked for space and she was giving you just that. However, the excluding you from the kitten photos/videos just sounds petty, spiteful and immature. She’s not a friend, she’s horrible.
I have supported a close friend through IVF and I understand some (but clearly not all) of the heartache. How upsetting for you that someone you loved has treated you this way.

Wishing you lots and lots of luck with the IVF

And I second the others - don’t text her again. She’s shown you her true colours.

She sounds like what they used to call a ‘fair weather friend’ - she’s only there for you if you’re happy and cheerful and can’t be bothered with your actual feelings. So, not a friend at all. I’m sorry OP, but if I were you I’d be trying to accept that this friendship was over.
For contrast - I’m currently TTC and finding it very tough. A close friend has a 6 month old that she conceived on her first try, and when I’m having a down month I struggle with the jealousy. I realised the other day that it had been nearly two months since I’d texted this friend, so I pulled myself together and sent her a message - she replied almost instantly (even though she’s abroad on holiday!) because she is emotionally intelligent and kind enough to give me space whilst still showing that she loves me. Don’t you think you deserve friends like that?

Is she not messaging you because you asked for space? If she’s not very emotionally intelligent ( and she sounds like she might not be) she might think this is what u meant. I’d text her and say u heard she has a kitten and ask some questions about kitten. Then she’ll know she can talk about the kitten. Talk about the pregnancy too if u feel ready, don’t bring it up if not. Tbh tho it’s going to be very hard to have a conversation with someone who is very excited about being pregnant and for the pregnancy not to come up at all. U can ask her to be sensitive but also remember that her life might well be totally consumed by it at the moment and if you can’t talk about it you may be best to leave it a bit longer.

Thanks all...

Lizzie48 I do have one friend I could confide in about this but I agree I must try to focus on the IVF.

juneybean I'm getting stomach cramps so am worried! I know the symptoms of pregnancy and period can be similar so my head is all over the place – positive one minute, negative the next!

CoffeeWithMyOxygen and others mentioning fair weather friend type behaviour, I think you are right. It's hard getting my head round but I need to. Your friend sounds great and, yes, I agree I deserve friends like that too. Good luck TTC x

My friend knows how excited I was about her getting the kitten so I'm pretty sure she knows sending me a photo would really cheer me up at the moment. I think she is purposely leaving me out JustWanderingAbout rather than worrying about contacting me with kitten news.

Hi op everything crossed for you that the ivf works this time.
I have read a bit of the thread and I'm not siding with Debbie I think even an acknowledgement message from her to your text would be the bare minimum.
I am expecting and one of my close relatives is not overjoyed at the news she has her very valid reasons I know. But even to text her about something totally unrelated to pregnancy I just don't know what to say because I'm worried that even a text from me is hurting her. Is there anyway Debbie is like that?

Try and keep yourself busy this week I hope it flys by and that your next update will be a really positive one. Everything crossed for you.

If she’s leaving u put on purpose to punish u or something odd then I’d just let the friendship go. I know it’s hard and very hurtful but she’s not a good friend if she wants to do that. Good luck for later this week

I have a 'Debbie', in my life. During the last 8 years of recurrent miscarriage and infertility she has been an out and out pain in the arse. I pandered... I really wish I hadn't. It might be best to save yourself the grief and heartache she'll keep on bringing to your life and let her go. Good luck.

I used to have a "Debbie" in my life and I would always pander to her needs too. I didn't Ren realise I was doing it, or I would excuse it by saying she had been a good friend in other ways etc.

There was a "final drop" situation for us when II asked her for a favour and she point blank refused to acknowledge my need, even though it would have required very little effort on her behalf.

It madee realise that I needed to draw a line somewhere to protect myself. So I wrote to her, Kindly, explaining how I felt. I never heard from her again. This was over a year ago now and she has since had a baby. She never contacted me again. It has been very painful for me because friendships mean a great deal to me and I always try to salvage them. Clearly it wasn't the same for her, and like your "Debbie", mine had a lot of other friends who could distract her and who continue pandering to her every need.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand how you feel, the mixture of sadness and misplaced guilt and questioning whether you've done te right thing. But honestly, it wasn't you who damaged your friendship, it was Debbie. You were just being honest. St the very least she could have been honest in return, telling you she was upset that you couldn't share her joy or whatever. Just responding with radio silence is really shitty and disrespectful behaviour.

You've done he right thing.

I think it’s probably a bit unfair to be annoyed at her for ignoring you when you’ve asked for space. I wouldn’t contact a friend of mine who’d done that until they sent me a message (something totally innocuous talking about something light and non-serious).

She really doesn’t sound like a great friend from the way she behaved so try not to let her upset you.

Good luck with the IVF

Oh you poor love. I’ve been exactly where you are. Reading your post took me back about 10years ago - I just couldn’t handle any one else’s news, especially the friends who didn’t appear to understand my pain, or acknowledge it.
I really think your suggested message to her sounds reasonable. You are being open and honest.
I’m glad to hear you are getting some counselling. Best of luck for your next round. Good luck.

Sorry for above msg. I hadn’t read the whole thread - obviously!
You are right that this week you will have more on your mind and more important matters to concentrate on. Best of luck to you. For me it was third time lucky..... and I also had cramps and some bleeding which convinced me it hadn’t worked. Went out and drowned my sorrows before finding out a few days later it was a bfp. So don’t think the worst.
Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

Thank you all for your replies, feeling a bit stronger and determined to just focus on me right now.

to those who also have had 'Debbies' in their lives and anyone struggling with ttc/IVF.

Infertility is a bitch, OP - for you.

I think with people like that you don’t necessarily have to cut them out - you can just acknowledge their limitations and keep them in your life but not as your closest confidantes.

Whether Debbie is actively cutting you out or is merely thoughtless the point is that you cannot rely on her to support you through infertility and mental health issues. But if you enjoy her company then you can take it at face value. And if not then don’t - you don’t owe her anything.

Keeping everything crossed that your ivf is successful. But regardless of if it is or isn’t, you need to take care of your own well-being first and foremost. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

Didn’t you say in your message that you needed time and could you chat when you felt ready? So presumably she’s waiting for you to say when you feel ready?
I hope it all goes well this week. We are waiting on our next round of treatment.

She isn’t very nice OP. Seriously.

I have been where you are (& still childless) I've found that relationships get easier to manage with time. I did take myself off most social media though - I found people's happiness pushing in to my day to day existence really hurt, because you'd be taken by surprise by it if you see what I mean.

Debbie isn't being a good friend at all, but if her friendship is genuinely important to you (and not just habit!) Then you could try faking it. A text from you asking how she is feeling, everything ok? Might help smooth things if you really want her friendship. Personally I wouldn't!

Fingers crossed for your IVF - I really hope you get the result you have fought for xxx