Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IVF/pregnant friend

127 replies

ohbigdaddio · 12/03/2018 08:22

Posting here for traffic! My DH and I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and are starting our 2nd IVF attempt soon. We have no DC and I have never been pregnant. I am on medication for anxiety and depression – the struggle to conceive has had a huge impact on my self esteem and mental health and I have had suicidal thoughts in my darker moments.

My friend (let's call her Debbie!) lives abroad and for the last week or so has been trying to Skype with me. There is a big time difference and we couldn't find a time when both of us could talk. I thought she wanted to see how I am doing as she knows what we are going through and that my mental health is suffering. I thought that was really nice of Debbie as she hasn't really been overly supportive and on Friday I suggested we talk today. She said texted to say she couldn't wait to talk any longer and said she had something to tell me...then she attached a scan photo and "We're having a baby!!!!!"

I burst into tears but texted back that I was really happy for her. I feel the scan photo was a bit much considering what we are going through and my mental state. Of course she is excited but there was no consideration for my feelings. (A previous friend announced her pregnancy to me by saying "I know this isn't what you want to hear at the moment but I needed to let you know I'm pregnant. I'll tell you as much or as little about it as you want to know." She also did not send a scan photo.)

Debbie is a good friend but I don't think she knows what to say about IVF. I texted her a while ago saying we would be trying again soon and please keep your fingers crossed for us. She read it but said nothing which I found very hurtful. I now know she must have been pregnant when she read that message and feel that should've given her a bit more understanding of how much we want this? I asked her the due date and she started moaning saying it will be really hot in her country by then and how will she cope? That really got to me. 'I don't care! You are pregnant, don't start moaning about it', I thought.

Anyway. We are meant to be having a chat on Skype today and I am really unsure what to do. She is a very enthusiastic, positive person anyway, so this will be magnified by 10 and she will be extremely excited I'm sure. I know the conversation will be mainly about her being pregnant. I am worried I will burst into tears as I am really envious and so sad that yet again it isn't me with the pregnancy news. I am happy for her but very sad for myself. I don't know what to do for the best – I don't want to put off the chat and her think I don't care but at the same time I'm not sure I am ready for a chat about baby clothes etc.

I am due to go to counselling tomorrow and wondered whether it would be better to work through my feelings with her before calling Debbie, but I am aware that she really wants to chat to me today.

Does anyone have any advice as I am very confused. I don't whether saying something like "I am really happy for you but I need you to know that this is really hard for me and I may find it hard to hear lots of details."? If anybody has been in this situation, how did you handle it? And if anyone has been the pregnant friend, would you be offended by a comment like that/what would you want to hear?

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 12/03/2018 10:58

Sorry, have realised my last post seemed really off-topic. What I was trying to say is that infertile people are often told 'it'll be you one day!' and therefore that they should suck up other people's insensitivity. The thing is that:
a) sadly, as OP says, there is no guarantee that it will work for her next time (though I so hope it does) and
b) even if it does, it probably won't be the same experience for her as for her friend - and many people who have no fertility problems seem to find it very hard to grasp this.

So the idea that one day it'll be her obnoxiously sending people unsolicited scan pictures is an unhelpful one.

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 12/03/2018 11:15

Thanks everyone...how does this sound?

Hi Debbie, I'm so happy for you but as we are struggling and it is so emotional going through IVF, I just need a bit of time. Talking about pregnancies/babies is so tough for me at the moment. Please can we chat when I feel ready? Huge congratulations to you and lots of love, ohbigdaddio xx

Flowers to all who have gone through or are still going through IVF. And rockandrollwithit your friend's comment – wow! I am speechless. So glad your DS2 is ok now xx

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/03/2018 11:26

That sounds fine. However please do not feel that you are obliged to say "I'm so happy for you". A simple congratulations is enough. After all a baby is the one thing you want more than anything in world.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/03/2018 11:34

That message is fine OP. Hopefully it'll help her to understand how you're feeling right now and be a little more thoughtful in her approach.

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 12/03/2018 11:35

Thanks awwlookatmybabyspider

Great user name by the way!

OP posts:
TheLegendOfBeans · 12/03/2018 11:36

@ohbigdaddio

That text could not be better.

I am lucky in that I've gotten pregnant three times no problem and delivered two healthy babies.

Eight - EIGHT - of my lady friends are going through the pain of infertility of IVF or a gruelling adoption process.

One has fallen away as I could not cope with how spiteful and jealous she turned out to be, all because of the pain and turmoil she's in about having a family.

Honesty is always always the best policy. Being upfront should leave you and Debbie in no doubt about where you guys are.

You sound gracious, mature and wise OP.

SleepFreeZone · 12/03/2018 11:40

Margaret I felt exactly the same and only announced the pregnancy when he was born.

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 11:49

The message sounds fine to me, OP. Hopefully your friend will understand better how it is for you now.

LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 12:04

ohbigdaddio

 <strong>carryondoctor</strong>

"I think I would be honest too. If you think it would upset you to have the Skype call, I would text her and say something like, "I am absolutely delighted for you, but as we are struggling and about to try IVF for the second time, I will just need a little bit of time - please can we speak soon? Huge congratulations and lots of love" or something like that."

That's quite good advice imo.

LondonJax · 12/03/2018 12:05

Your message seems fine OP.

I had IVF with our one and only. Two days after I announced his presence following our second (and would be final) attempt my friend was told she needed an emergency hysterectomy. She'd longed to be a mum but had put it off as her DH didn't feel ready (you can imagine what that was doing to both of them).

She sent me a text saying she was finding it so hard and she hoped I'd understand if she didn't get in touch. Did I understand? Of course I did!

We spoke on the phone frequently but she didn't see me in all the time I was pregnant. I told her from the start that I would only mention DS if she asked and we left it at that. Even then it was just a 'oh, last appointment was fine'. She couldn't cope with more.

She's now DS's godmother - I sent her a text rather than call because I wanted her to be able to think and answer honestly when I asked her. It wasn't a 'sympathy godmother' thought from us - she'd been on our list from the time we began IVF and I'd already said, if we were lucky enough with the IVF, would she consider it. I just wanted to give her the get out clause if it all felt too raw.

She accepted and is like a second mum to him and he adores her which is lovely.

If your friend is a friend they will understand - plenty of other people will be able to listen to the pregnancy stories.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP.

RLOU88 · 12/03/2018 12:07

Ah @ LondonJax what lovely friends you both seem to be. That story touched me.

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 12/03/2018 12:30

I hope my friend understands, you both sound lovely LondonJax

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 12/03/2018 12:33

London I’m really weird with pregnant women and yet absolutely fine when the babies are here. As I’m no longer jealous of the bump and wouldn’t want another woman’s child (if that makes sense). So I can understand why your friend kept away during pregnancy but was able to come back once baby was here 💐

Jaygee61 · 12/03/2018 12:34

OP I only wanted to day that I really really understand how you feel. You post had brought back memories of the day we found out our 2nd IVF had failed and that evening a friend of DH rang to say his wife was expecting. I burst into tears and was unable to continue the conversation. I still feel a bit awful about it. And I agree that saying "it will be your turn next" isn't helpful however well meant. Infertility is not always a little temporary blip! It never was my turn sadly. But I'm keeping everything crossed for you. Flowers

Lizzie48 · 12/03/2018 12:36

It touched me, too, you really do have a lovely friendship there, @LondonJax I it can be such a lonely place to be when everyone around you seems to be having babies and you can't. What an amazing story. Thanks

JustHappy3 · 12/03/2018 13:26

Look after yourself. The infertility journey is one long old road and it's going to drain your emotional reserves.
Text banal excuse - skype broken, neighbour needs running to hospital whatever.
Go see counsellor. Breathe. Regather your equilibrium as best you can. Thenake decision about whether keeping in touch will replenish your energy or drain it. And go from there.

JustHappy3 · 12/03/2018 13:31

But yes - the dual emotions of happiness for friend and sadness for self are a complete head f**k. It knocked me for six - i felt like a monster. It's very normal - just as not feeling like that is also normal.
Allow both feelings - but not at the expense of yourself or your friendship if you value her in other ways. Who can take the ranting/grief? Maybe it's just the counsellor like it was for me. Kept me sane (ish).

Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 13/03/2018 06:38

Well, I sent the text yesterday explaining that I'm happy for her but am finding it hard and just need a bit more time... Debbie hasn't replied. ☹ She's always on her phone and replies to messages very quickly so I feel she must be pissed off with me. I could be wrong - maybe she's busy - but if she is going to ignore my honest text, I'm wondering whether our friendship can survive this. I feel really sad and disappointed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohbigdaddio · 13/03/2018 06:40

Oops! Meant to say, l sent the message on What's app so can see she's read it.

OP posts:
Monkeypuzzle32 · 13/03/2018 07:19

She may be processing what to say but she's a bitch if she doesn't reply to that.

Lostwithinthehills · 13/03/2018 07:24

It annoys me when I read people writing about how they struggled to have a baby but they behaved like ‘a grown up’ and embraced being treated like everyone else. No one can dictate how someone else should feel. The op has described how distressed she feels and I can empathise very strongly with her. It is exciting to be pregnant but if Debbie is any kind of friend she should have considered her audience when announcing it to op.

Lizzie48 · 13/03/2018 07:46

Unfortunately, some people really can't put themselves in other people's shoes, and are self obsessed. My SIL (BIL's DW) always got pregnant very quickly, they now have 5 DCs. She criticised us about going through IVF because of the 'spare embryos' (there weren't any at all as it turned out). She didn't get that she was being insensitive in saying this when she wasn't the one struggling. It took me a long time to get over that.

You've done nothing wrong, if she tells you that you're unkind not to share her happiness just ignore. I'm so sorry, that must be really hurtful. Thanks

friendsromanscountrymen · 13/03/2018 07:57

Dear ohbigdaddio

I've had two miscarriages and have no children (while friends are getting pregnant and having babies).

Please, TRUST me when I say YANBU at all and don't let anyone try to convince you that it's normal behaviour from a friend. It's not.

The attached scan WAS too much! There's no need for this. Who does that???

This 'friend' should have just said she was pregnant, that's all, knowing your situation.
Don't listen to anyone who says that she's excited, wants to share her happiness...blah-blah... That's bu..shit.

You KNOW how a normal person would react in these circumstances exactly how your other friend did "I know that's not you want to hear, I don't want to upset you, hope it happens for you very soon."

It's your call if you want to talk to her on skype. But I would not talk to an insensitive person like that. Why would you? You know it's going to bring you pain. WHY do you have to feel even more pain for the sake of a 'non-friend' like that? You're already hurting and are agreeing to bring yourself even more hurt with that skype call, while she's already feeling very happy.

carryondoctor · 13/03/2018 07:59

She may be feeling awful about it and working out what to say - I can see how it might come as a shock to have to face up to having been insensitive.

If she's sulking/cross with you, sorry but she's no real friend. I can't quite believe anyone could be that self absorbed so hopefully it's the former Flowers

PilatesSuck · 13/03/2018 08:15

Hopefully she isnt sulking but is unsure what to say. If she is sulking then she needs to get over herself. Your mental health comes first as i am sure hers would to her if tables were reversed.

It is excruitiating at times and i think she was very insensitive sending you the scan. For every woman ok to get it, there is one heartbroken. She should have been cautious and text to say then sent a scan later.

I have been on both sides, from the woman struggling and in a dark depressed place (with friends not understanding) and then with a baby and friends (the same ones who once didnt get it) going through IVF. I cant deny it hurt that they werent as interested in my baby, i didnt care to much about the pregnancy, and i get that it was a hurtful reminder. Just before she started ivf we became close again, thankfully.

Be kind to yourself OP. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.