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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband must have told MIL I need help

112 replies

Smellybears · 12/03/2018 01:08

So last night I didn’t go to MIL for mother’s day. I asked husband to take the little one by himself so I could take a bath. First time he’s had son by himself (coming up to 8 weeks old) and he really wasn’t happy that I wasn’t going. Told him I just needed an hour to myself, going through a reflux battle at the min!
Anyway, just woken to a text from MIL saying that she will come and take the baby out tomorrow to ‘give me a break’. I’m fuming! I don’t need s break. What I need is help from her son, my husband, who is not helping me out at all. He works full time which I get, but I’ve asked him countless times for him to just do one feed once he’s home. He’s working long hours and seven days a week but still. I keep telling him to cut down his hours. He doesn’t feed him because he won’t learn how to wind him. If he does feed him then I’ll then have to wind him and then he won’t bother with the rest of the feed. He won’t change him, doesn’t know how to prepare or sterilise the bottles either. I just want him to spend time with his son. A lot of the time I have to ask him to even say hello to the little one!
I told him yesterday that I’m struggling with this reflux and he said ‘you need some hekp’ to which I ended up speechless. Yeah, I need help from him! We’ve had countless arguments about him not being any help and I’m banging my head against a brick wall.
AIBU about MIL offering to take son out? He’s obviously told her I need help. I feel really offended. I felt so much better after my bath last night, it was good to recharge my batteries and take a bit of time and actually wash my hair!! But he’s obviously told her I need help and probably made out that I’m not coping. I mean I’ll just be sat in the house if she does take him out as I’ve got nothing else to do.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2018 01:11

She is doing what she can. He isn't.

Why doesn't he do his share? Helplessness, ineptitude, laziness or does he think it's women's work?

user764329056 · 12/03/2018 01:13

Could be that something good comes from it depending on your relationship with her, maybe she will talk to her son about how useless he is being, not ideal of course because your husband shouldn’t need that pointing out by anybody, care of your baby should be teamwork, but it may be that she has an influence on him and he will change how he’s involved

Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 01:14

The dog is ill at the minute so in his words, he’s the priority (the bastard dog). I am obviously livid regarding this and it’s causing countless arguments! To be honest if she knew she would be mortified!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 01:15

He will probably look at it as me and his mum both being moaning hags!

OP posts:
GrockleBocs · 12/03/2018 01:15

Having had a dc with reflux, take ANY help you can get! It might be short lived but if she's going to come over and hold the baby for a bit while you lie down, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Yes your Dh is not stepping up and his mother is no substitute but use the time to get her on side and see if she will help bring him into parenting. If the two of you work together, it may help.

Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 01:18

I hadn’t thought of it that way. I’ve never asked anyone for help with anything in my life as I don’t want people to think that I can’t do something or can’t cope. I suppose though I could tell her how he’s being and try getvher to talk to him. Mind you, I’ve told her things in the past to which she’s said ‘wait till I get my hands on him’ makes out that she’s gonna give him a good talking to then doesn’t bother as he’s the golden boy!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 01:18

Hope this doesn’t end up on the DM as he will blatantly know it’s me that’s posted this! Shock

OP posts:
R2G · 12/03/2018 01:19

I think you're being a bit unfair. She can see her son is working a 7 day week and long hours, and can also see that you need help .. so she's being practical and stepping in to help you rest - her son can't really do too much more if he's working every day. He's hardly being inept and probably wants you to get some rest.

starfishmummy · 12/03/2018 01:20

My guess is that he didn't ask, but she saw him with the baby and realised how useless he is., and that she really wants to help.

ExcuseTheCheese · 12/03/2018 01:22

Could he have PND, OP? Men can get it too. Maybe tell MIL your concerns?

Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 01:30

I think he’s jealous of the baby to be honest because I’ve already told him that the baby is priority now during an argument of him asking ‘what about me’.
R2G I get what you’re saying but why do I have to ask him to kiss his son or even say hello I him?
Starfish you’re probably right as he told me that he told his family not to wake the baby and to leave him in the car seat. Obviously they took him out though which I’m glad about. He does panic as he hasn’t a clue how to look after him. I’ve offered to show him so many times though and he isn’t bothered, he’d rather me do it all

OP posts:
DixieFlatline · 12/03/2018 02:04

during an argument of him asking ‘what about me’.

In what context did he ask that?

No matter how many hours a week he works, refusing to even learn to do certain essential baby-related tasks is utterly pathetic and cannot be excused.

Gannicusthemannicus · 12/03/2018 02:10

I would also think PND, the lack of interest he has in interacting with the baby exceeds laziness and could point to an issue with bonding. Also how he appears to be coming up with any excuse to not be around the little one would flag up concerns.

MudCity · 12/03/2018 02:24

Sounds like, for whatever reason, he hasn’t yet connected / bonded with the baby and probably feels hopeless. He will naturally divert his attention to work, or your dog, which maybe are the things he can cope with because the baby is just too overwhelming at the moment.

Hard though it is, be patient. Accept your MIL’s help in the meantime. While it is really tough to feel on your own with the baby, arguing really won’t help and will create even more distance between you, him and the baby. Acknowledge what he is doing...working, looking after the dog...and involve your MIL who clearly wants to help. It’s difficult, yes, but arguing will only make him retreat even further away.

ToftheB · 12/03/2018 02:26

Op. You are absolutely right, your husband should be caring for his child. Either he’s an arse or there’s something else going on- but it’s not fair or sustainable and I hope he realises that soon.

However, I just want you to know there’s no shame in accepting help from your mother in law. My baby is 3 months old, and having family members to pop over and just hold him for a couple of hours whilst I’ve had a bath or a snooze has made a huge difference. I’d have coped without, and you could too (even with no help from your husband) but it’s hard, and a break can make things so much easier. If she asks how you’re doing, tell her - it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job in difficult circumstances and you deserve help and recognition.

PotteringAlong · 12/03/2018 02:30

he told his family not to wake the baby and to leave him in the car seat

Something which literally thousands of parents do, Day in day out.

LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 05:51

Newborns are so helpless, why would he need it pointed out even that baby is the priority at the moment? 🙈

I'll never understand men who wanted kids supposedly then showing zero interest in them once they're born.

Jamhandprints · 12/03/2018 06:48

Accept the help, it's good for baby to bond with Grandma and she will love the feeling of caring for him.

But your OH is being totally unreasonable. I think you should start going out at the weekend, just to the supermarket or whatever and leave the baby with him, then he will have to learn to care for him. But then, don't shout at him afterwards for doing ridiculous things. My OH once forgot to feed the baby for about 5 hours, and another time went to help the neighbour with some gardening while the baby was asleep upstairs (I did shout btw) but he now cares for our two reasonably well.

Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 06:52

Thank you all for your kind words and also your opinions.
I think he’s a little scared and feels useless because baby is so small and he’s said a few times he’s worried about doing things wrong or hurting him by mistake because he can’t support his own head yet.
He keeps saying he can’t wait till he’s older so that he can do things with him and do things together. When he does spend time with him he’s actually really good and it’s nice to see them both together. But I think you’re right, he’s struggling to bond and I think he feels pushed out so possibly some depression going on. But there’s no excuse to not learn how to at least sterilize the bottles!
I get on with MIL well but obviously she’s got her own ways with the baby and opinions. The other day she went on one telling me that baby is having far too many bottles and that he needs to cut down. Well he pukes up the majority of his bottles so of course he’s going to get hungry quicker and want another one! I’m not going to deprive baby of a bottle if he wants one.
I suppose I just have to get on with it and bite my lip!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 06:54

Jamhandprints I nipped to he shop the other week and he called me to tell me baby was crying and then put the phone to the baby. I’d only been out half and hour and he did this twice! He is actually working seven days a week at the minute so not able to leave him with husband just yet

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/03/2018 06:57

I agree you should accept her help. Just be clear about what/how long you want. I would be frank with her about how uninterested he is and how little input he has. It would be interesting to know what he said yesterday.

Has he always worked 7 days a week? Do you need the money?

MimiSunshine · 12/03/2018 06:59

With regards to the too many bottles issue from MIL. She’s probably old school in her thoughts are that babys are fed every 4 hours and that’s it.
People like that don’t realise that they eat, drink, snack or take a sip of a drink far more regularly than that so why wouldn’t a baby?!

BUT take her offer of help and tell her the situation, I’d even text her the first part of your OP and give her the true picture

Original poster
Smellybears · 12/03/2018 07:02

He’s self employed and the dog has cost a fortune at the vets and we’ve still got to take him for more costly appointments. We no longer have him insured so he’s working to pay for that. But even before then he was doing six days a week. Where he’s working at the min they expect everyone to work 6 days at least. I get that he’s tired from working and I’ve always said for him to not work so much, talk to his boss and drop a day but he won’t. Maybe it’s his escape/excuse to not spend time at home with us?

OP posts:
Littlemissdaredevil · 12/03/2018 07:02

I would accept the help on the basis from MIL on the basis that it is because he does nothing.

Make it clear to your DH that it is not MIL job to pick up the slack he is leaving by not doing the bare minimum. MIL is helping to take some of the strain off of you. She is not helping to take the strain off of him (so that he can do even less!) Therefore he still needs to step up

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 12/03/2018 07:05

Have they considered cows milk protein intolerance? I would push further for some more medical support too. Being sick all the time is not normal. Yes some sick after each feed can be normal for some babies but not lots of sick requiring more food. Oh and yes talk to MIL about getting him to help out more. He won't do everything your way but might take instructions better from MIL.

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