Husband must have told MIL I need help

[Smellybears]

So last night I didn’t go to MIL for mother’s day. I asked husband to take the little one by himself so I could take a bath. First time he’s had son by himself (coming up to 8 weeks old) and he really wasn’t happy that I wasn’t going. Told him I just needed an hour to myself, going through a reflux battle at the min!
Anyway, just woken to a text from MIL saying that she will come and take the baby out tomorrow to ‘give me a break’. I’m fuming! I don’t need s break. What I need is help from her son, my husband, who is not helping me out at all. He works full time which I get, but I’ve asked him countless times for him to just do one feed once he’s home. He’s working long hours and seven days a week but still. I keep telling him to cut down his hours. He doesn’t feed him because he won’t learn how to wind him. If he does feed him then I’ll then have to wind him and then he won’t bother with the rest of the feed. He won’t change him, doesn’t know how to prepare or sterilise the bottles either. I just want him to spend time with his son. A lot of the time I have to ask him to even say hello to the little one!
I told him yesterday that I’m struggling with this reflux and he said ‘you need some hekp’ to which I ended up speechless. Yeah, I need help from him! We’ve had countless arguments about him not being any help and I’m banging my head against a brick wall.
AIBU about MIL offering to take son out? He’s obviously told her I need help. I feel really offended. I felt so much better after my bath last night, it was good to recharge my batteries and take a bit of time and actually wash my hair!! But he’s obviously told her I need help and probably made out that I’m not coping. I mean I’ll just be sat in the house if she does take him out as I’ve got nothing else to do.

I was going to go out with MIL today and tell her what’s going on but maybe I should let her take him out for a couple hours? Tell her beforehand about husband?
This sounds like I’m moaning about him and don’t appreciate him. I do appreciate him and the amount of hours he’s working. It’s just I feel sorry for the little one because his dad isn’t that interested in him and wants him to grow up faster so that they can do things together. Well it doesn’t work like that! I dont think, sorry, I know he didn’t realise how much looking after a baby needs and how demanding they are. So it’s been a shock to him

I am making no excuses for him. He needs to learn basic baby care. And the only way he will learn is by you leaving him with the baby.
BUT he works seven days a week because apparently he needs to. You guys have a financial crunch. It’s all well for you to say cut down, but can be financially do that?

Little miss daredevil you’ve hit the nail on the head with exactly how I feel! It isn’t her job to pick up the slack, which is why I’m reluctant to let her help.

And yes it is a shock. Many women do read up about babies etc and most blokes don’t. That doesn’t excuse his uselessness. But to be honest I hated the newborn stage too. So boring. And twice. Couldn’t wait for them to grow up. So wanting them to grow up and be more fun isn’t a crime in itself, but being useless is.

If the dog is his priority maybe MIL should look after the dog so he can help you with the baby. I'd be livid with him though. I get that he works hard but he should do one thing for thd baby each day. How will the baby bond with him otherwise?

I’ve asked about cows milk allergy so many times but the doctors are being knobs! I’m back there tomorrow to insist on him being tested! Fingers crossed I’ll get somewhere.

Sounds rough. But it's two separate things.

1. Your MIL has offered to help. Great! I would accept this happily (presuming you and your MIL get on ok). It's a kind offer and it will give her a chance to bond with her grandson. It will also give you a chance to do some stuff you might want to do- coffee with a friend, getting your hair done, having some sleep!

2. Your husband is not looking after his child. Whatever the reasons- insecurity, jealously, total unsureness over what to do- he needs to step up. Working seven days a week is tiring, but it's not an excuse. Did he do antenatal classes with you? Does he know (at least in theory) how to do basic childcare? If not, can you either a) speak to his parents and ask them to teach him or b) is there a practical parenting course he can do?

Honestly take your mil up on her offer. Send her out with the pram for a walk and take the time to have a shower, tea, breathe!. It’s tough with a reflux baby so take the chance for 5 minutes for you. He might not have said anything she probably could see from how he was with the baby that you were not getting much help from him.
With regards to any unwanted advice just smile and nod. It might not feel like it but it probably comes from a good place.
The bond will happen. I think your right they are so small and fragile at this age it can be quite daunting. Even just one task you can put him in charge of might help? The sterilising bottles might be a good one to start with. Would he be confident enough to bath baby or help you bath the baby? Read a story?

That’s what I’m worried about, that the baby won’t bond well with him. It only occurred to me when they were out last night that baby might wake up and be worried because I wasn’t there and he didn’t know anyone else very well (house full of people, many of which have only met the baby once or not at all). Luckily he was ok, had a little cry but then settled down after a cuddle.
He won’t let anyone else look after the dog because he feels like that’s abandoning him

God I would snap her hand off for some help. The issue with your MIL offering help and your husband are separate. Let her help, she will bond with her grandchild and you get some time to relax, don't look a gift horse in the mouth

Ok- let your MIL have your son for a few hours and get some sleep and have a nice bath or something

Tel your mil too that her son isn't stepping up to the plate in the house and can she support you by guiding your husband into being both a grown up and a father as he can't jump that hoop himself he needs some guidance but he needs to help at home too, no more excuses

He’s helped twice bath the baby but he doesn’t get home till about 6pm and by the time he’s had a shower etc I feel it’s too late. He feels silly reading a story, I’ve asked him a few times, even bought books for him to read. He’s done it a few times. I told him a few weeeks back how important it is to talk to him so that he gets used to our voices and that he finds it soothing. He has admitted that he understands this now and I’ve noticed that when he does make the effort he will talk to him.

I wouldn't recommend talking to MIL as if she's anything like mine she will just trot out 'well he works long hours' and just reinforce his right to do bugger all

Definitely take her help and don’t worry about telling her about her son. You can phrase it in a way that isn’t hypercritical - you’re worried he isn’t bonding and feels out of his depth dealing with your baby etc. Does he have any friends with babies? One of our friends DHs was a bit rubbish and having spent time with other DHs who were the opposite and very hands on, has helped him. Just an idea. It’s still quite early days but hopefully he will start to realise how much is required with a baby very soon, and step up.

Let MIL come around, and use it as time to relax a bit then chat to her. If it were me I wouldn't moan about him as being a golden child that may backfire. I'd use the time to tell her I was worried that he wasn't bonding, as he is directing all his energies on the dog, and not learning to do the basics for his child.

8 weeks old is still very early days. There is lots of time for your h to learn to get involved, if he wants to. I suspect that he is not planning to, however, until his son is much older - 2,3,8,10?? And see if you can find out MIL's attitude to fathers who don't do much . . . you may find that she is of the old school that it's a mum's "job" to do all the messy stuff, the emotional stuff, the day to day stuff - then you will know what you are really up against.

Plan of action then!! Let her take baby out today, even though I am a little reluctant, and when she comes round tell her exactly how son is being. Tell her about his lack of interest and possible depression.
To be honest considering I’m doing this all by myself I feel I’m coping well, it’s just I want him to spend time with baby. I wanted a bath and an hour to myself yesterday as I felt like I deserved it and that I should be allowed a bath every now and again!
Again thank you so much everybody, it’s been good to get outsiders opinions on this and advice. I really do appreciate it

MIL isn’t the problem here but her son is. You only asked for a couple of hours of time alone for the first time in 8 weeks and he’s presumably stomped off to his mothers, baby in tow, either telling her god knows what that isn’t strictly true to play the martyr card or she’s seen how utterly useless he is and rightly or wrongly wants to help you in his place.

I don’t blame you for being furious OP- 8 weeks in with a screaming clingy baby and a useless partner I was contemplating running away and changing my name. But it’s your partner at fault here I think not his mother. Hope you solve the reflux issue soon!

My husband was similar when our first was born and thought because DM and MIL wanted to help that they could do some of his share! We argued a lot those first few months and I was at a loss with him. When the baby was about 5 months old he all of a sudden got so much more confident and involved. When our second baby was born he was great from day 1. He still is more keen than I am to have one of our Mums over for the day to help but overall he is so much better. Maybe your husband will be the same and it will take a bit of time. It is horrible for you and I would accept help from family if you can.

I think I'd let MIL come and then I'd sit her down and tell her just how feckless her son is being!
If she's a decent sort, she'll have a word with him and sort him out - but if she's the reason he's so fucking feckless, then at least you'll know, not only where he gets it from, but also that you'll not get much support in that corner.

Your DH is being an utterly crap partner at the moment - he needs to pull his weight as well. I have no time for these stone age father types.

She’s actually good and I know she won’t be happy with him as I’ve told her before that he’s not doing anything with the baby. But whether she will actually speak to him and tell him he needs to step up is another thing. Last time it was just ‘have you been spending time with the baby’ and that was about it.
We’ve a couple of friends with kids but we don’t all have same time off together so it’s difficult all getting together at the same time

Accept any help offered but continue to insist your DH steps up to his responsibilities. Find your inner assertive you and just don’t take no for an answer. 💐

Having experienced something of what you are, some years ago, I would agree with the posters who say 'take her up on it'. The double edged sword of having no help from dh is that you can get yourself in a habit, through no fault of your own, where you can't let anyone else take the baby because you think noone else can do it the right way. Despite the fact it's so hard, you end up being locked into doing everything. So however hard and worrying it is, I would let her just take him out for a walk to give you an hour or two and break that feeling a little. Maybe that would also mean she was not bustling around in your house. As the mother of 3 DS I do think also it must be tricky being the in-law of a daughter and much harder to be accepted by them re grandchildren than if your own daughters have children. Maybe she will be happy to be able to help and be accepted as part of it - and while DH is not stepping up there is something positive in having someone who wants to be involved and give love to your baby too.

100% take that help,depending on mil schedule and what she offers use her free childcare to get yourself back together, do the shopping with out baby, was it a simple birth or do you need Physio? Do not leave that, see it as she's picking up your husbands slack my DH does sweet FA but mil more than makes up for it!!

She will be going round to her sons to see his wife. That’s why i feel a little uneasy as I can imagine them say there gossiping and saying I can’t cope! I’m tempted to go with her so that I can tell them both what’s going on

My husband works 6 days a week and managed to a) help with our baby and b) get up at night with her. They have a great bond and at 20 months, he’s the one that does sleep time as it’s their time together.

Working isn’t an excuse. I just left him to it and purposely didn’t help at the start. Dads need to find their own way - yes they may be scared because the baby is small but newsflash to them - most mums are worried constantly as well.