Husband must have told MIL I need help

[Smellybears]

So last night I didn’t go to MIL for mother’s day. I asked husband to take the little one by himself so I could take a bath. First time he’s had son by himself (coming up to 8 weeks old) and he really wasn’t happy that I wasn’t going. Told him I just needed an hour to myself, going through a reflux battle at the min!
Anyway, just woken to a text from MIL saying that she will come and take the baby out tomorrow to ‘give me a break’. I’m fuming! I don’t need s break. What I need is help from her son, my husband, who is not helping me out at all. He works full time which I get, but I’ve asked him countless times for him to just do one feed once he’s home. He’s working long hours and seven days a week but still. I keep telling him to cut down his hours. He doesn’t feed him because he won’t learn how to wind him. If he does feed him then I’ll then have to wind him and then he won’t bother with the rest of the feed. He won’t change him, doesn’t know how to prepare or sterilise the bottles either. I just want him to spend time with his son. A lot of the time I have to ask him to even say hello to the little one!
I told him yesterday that I’m struggling with this reflux and he said ‘you need some hekp’ to which I ended up speechless. Yeah, I need help from him! We’ve had countless arguments about him not being any help and I’m banging my head against a brick wall.
AIBU about MIL offering to take son out? He’s obviously told her I need help. I feel really offended. I felt so much better after my bath last night, it was good to recharge my batteries and take a bit of time and actually wash my hair!! But he’s obviously told her I need help and probably made out that I’m not coping. I mean I’ll just be sat in the house if she does take him out as I’ve got nothing else to do.

Sounds like my friends husband, he was desperate to start a family and then acted the exact same way when child was born. Totally distant, didnt interact or want to learn anything.

Turns out he had PND - something people often fail to think about a man having and just call it laziness instead

I’ve just had my very practical, sensible down to earth mil on the phone to have a little weep about Ken’s death. I honestly didn’t realize anyone even gave him a passing thought any more......

Sooo sorry, wrong thread!

Re the reading thing if he feels awkward about it get him just to tell the baby about his day or talk to him about sport anything really just so the baby knows his voice. Or he could tell him what they’ll do together once the baby’s older. You could also point out that if he wants to take him swimming with him later he could start by bathing him now to introduce him to the water.
Good luck with your in laws.

I also have a DP who works 7 days a week (and when my DD was 8 weeks old he was also doing 18 hour days because it was lambing time). I remember the feeling well of knowing I was coping absolutely fine with a newborn but still needing that hour every now and again just to be on my own.

Your MIL having had at least two children of her own from what you have said will probably also remember that feeling too. Mine completely got it that needing an hour to myself didn't mean I wasn't coping, it was a very normal and actually quite healthy feeling. But I hated feeling like letting someone help me was in some way admitting I wasn't coping, even when no one ever actually suggested that was the case.

There's an awful lot about childbirth and taking care of very young children which forces you to swallow your pride a bit and accept any support where you can get it.

Good luck today, and don't be surprised if MIl and SIL are already on the same page as you.

I think what you're doing (i.e. speaking to SIL and MIL) and then talking to DH if he doesn't step up is sensible.

You just need to be aware though that some older women (not all before I get flamed for using the word 'older') were of a generation where men did nothing and as a result these women think that if they suffered you should suffer too.

Eg my fil, who is a lovely man, never changed a nappy, did washing, housework, fed babies and mil seems proud of her martyrdom - even now he has retired he does no housework - although does do a fair amount of diy. I have never had to complain about dh but I know she would expect me to do everything. Similarly my dm used to tell me if I don't learn to iron a man's shirt I will never find a husband - as if that was such a high aspiration! Needless to say dh laughs (kindly) at my attempts to iron and does it himself!

I'll just add in that if you were to be hospitalised for some reason your Dh would have to do all this himself.

I assume you somehow learned how to sterilise bottles, deal with poonami and reflux. So why is he so incapable?

Dh worked, came through the door and took our son off me straight away for kisses. He would then go and make me a cup of tea and tell Ds about his day so I could listen but all his focus was on Ds, making eye contact, Ds hearing his voice and seeing his facial expressions.

Of course it is easier to avoid looking after a child, it is bloody hard work. Your Dh needs to step up and stop doing the whole, later, when they are older shit.

Working 7 days a week isn't just "tiring" it's relentless and exhausting. And you have a refluxy newborn - you both must be on your knees

Yes, I’ve worked 7 days a week, long hours. I still had other stuff that needed doing, none of it as easy or pleasant as sitting on my bum feeding & chatting to an 8 week old baby. Diddums will cope.

Smellybears is doing all the care 24/7 for their baby. He might be working 7 days a week, but she’s the one meeting the needs of a newborn 24/7.

He needs to step up and spend time with his DS & people need to stop making excuses for him. She’s only asking him to spend an hour after work feeding & chatting to his DS, not go down a mine.

You do actually need help. Not with your baby. With your husband. And she may be just the person to do it. Maybe instead of her taking out DS ask her to have a chat instead. Be diplomatic but just tell her that things aren’t going well with DH and you are worried about how he is coping with parenthood. Ask her to talk to him.

Good decision OP.

By talking to them, you involve them, but on YOUR terms.

You make them feel as if they are family and you want them to know what's going on, but you control it. It sounds as if they will be receptive too. And it means you won't end up with crossed wires all over hte place and your bloody useless H using THEM as a means to weasel out of stuff further.

Oh - and they get to see the baby but not have him alone, which also sounds like the best option right now.

Best of luck, OP.

Glad you've taken up the offer of help OP. I would try and relax a little bit where DH is concerned if you can. Some men find the newborn stage very awkward and it takes time for them to gain confidence in bathing and feeding them. Doing it together for a while is a good idea so he can learn from you.

It sounds like he's doing his best working 7 days a week to. I know it's not the same as having a baby but he still must be tired and under a different type of pressure.

Let your MIL help you out when she can, get some rest whilst she has your baby and talk to DH about how he can get more involved. You can't wave a magic wand and expect it things to change overnight but hopefully soon he will feel better equipped to deal with DS which will then take the heat off you.

If you imagine your family needs on a large sheet of paper- your baby’s care is a huge proportion, yes. But earning money, feeding/care of dog, household tasks, shopping etc all count as well.
Now start thinking of you and your husband as a team. Teamwork can be equal sharing of all tasks or it can be chunking tasks and doing some each.
For just now it is coming down to you to do the majority of the babycare. Let’s face it, baby’s are a bit boring. And the bond with one caregiver is what gives baby the future ability to bond with others- including their father.
So honestly, I would let it go for now. Your husband is also on his knees with tiredness and is probably overwhelmed by fatherhood. He may feel useless and the more you push him to do stuff for his baby then more useless he feels and pure creating bad experiences for him with his son.
Appreciate what you’re both doing and maybe sit down and look over the week and identify where he and you can change tasks but also for you both to see and value the work you’re already doing.
Your baby is being cared for, and if MIL isn’t helping too then that’s good as well. Take the focus off of your husband as I feel you are backing him into a corner.
The father child bond will come when your baby is less of a baby and becomes more responsive and your husband grows in confidence which WILL happen.

Sorry for typos!

He needs to either get help for the possible PND or step up to the plate. I got 4 months in before I got rid of my ex-dp for exactly this reason. He wouldn't even acknowledge that DD existed unless I reminded him, I now feel much much freer with a partner who both my kids love and adore

Obviously in having the baby you've both done some financial streamlining which seems, reading between the lines, to have included not renewing the pet insurance for the dog, hence DH working 7 days a week to pay for the treatment.

but I see its all worked its self out on thread so I'll shut up !

I don't really know what to say as you're both going to burn out. As a matter of priority he needs to sort out his work commitments, he needs to realise he's now a Dad and that really has to take priority.

The early days are really tiring, I totally understand where you're coming from.

Not to stress you out further, but could he be using work as a barrier not to be with baby. It doesn't sound nice, but it could be something as simple as he's scared, he doesn't want to be left alone with baby in case scenario 1/2/3.

I would have a chat with him about it, ask him how he's feeling, asking him how he's feeling about being a Dad. Would he like to do more stuff if he could or is there anything he's not sure about?

Hopefully you can get it resolved ASAP and not be super frazzled. At the same time whilst you're working this out with DH, accept MIL's help if it means you get a nice bath or a few hours sleep.

Best of luck.

Oh dear..sounds reminiscent of when DH thought I'd need help after DD was born...and his parents booked a 3 month trip to come and stay!! I found out about his cunning plan 2 weeks before.. as he knew he'd be busy with work, so thought it was a great idea..
Arrived one month before I was due. And DD was nearly 3 weeks over!
I broke down and exploded the week before she was born ..just could not hack it any longer.
We nearly divorced over that...awful awful experience.
Never force help unless you've been asked. And certainly not where new mothers are concerned!

He doesn't like that the baby is your priority but says the dog is the priority? I love animals, but your DH sounds like he is badly failing to bond with his child. Is there any chance of him taking some paternity leave? Is there something about his job that says he must be there seven days a week, or is it optional?

He’s working long hours and seven days a week but still

Give the bloke a break then. Or would you prefer he cut his hours so you don't have to do the feeding after 6pm? FFS

DH and I have survived 3DC and we live 3000 miles away so very limited family support. DH works 7 days a week too as do I. At weekends we work once the DC are sleeping.

It's tough with a newborn. It's infinitely harder with a newborn who has reflux. Get baby to the GP, get yourself some sleep and I highly recommend the rock and play. Get the one that plugs into the wall. DD2 was in that thing for a very long time.

With your DH, he is doing typical avoidance. I had that with mine and just made it non negotiable that he do a feed. I would go to bed at 8pm and DH did the 10pm feed. I would wake up for the 2am feed and DH would do the first feed when he woke up. I got enough sleep this way.

I totally get why you're upset but my advise would be take help wherever you can get it. Bless your MIL for stepping up to the plate when her son so obviously isn't. Also remember she's got some experience behind her - are you close with her? Can she be a wall to wail to? I am not suggesting you rampage about her son to her but she may have some insight into how you can deal with it.

And agree with littlemissdaredevil. Make it clear to DH that just because you are getting some help doesn't give him the excuse to do naff all. He's maybe just having trouble adjusting to parenthood? We do tend to get so caught up banging the drum about PND for mothers sometimes we forget the fathers can and do suffer just as much.

Hang in there sweetheart ❤

Is the dog his priority or is paying the vet's bills his priority? Can you afford for him to go back down to 6 days a week, or put the vet's bill on a credit card, or is it simply a matter of him taking the baby off you for an hour each evening.

Mumsnet is full of people whose OH worked 12 hours 7 days a week and still did all the night wakings for twins, so these things are clearly possible but most people I know would struggle to work 6 or 7 days a week and contribute substantially to the care of a baby/young child.

If he is self-employed and works 7 days a week he must be exhausted. Why don’t you learn his trade or how to run the business and fill in for him a few days a week and he can learn chid-care.