Husband must have told MIL I need help

[Smellybears]

So last night I didn’t go to MIL for mother’s day. I asked husband to take the little one by himself so I could take a bath. First time he’s had son by himself (coming up to 8 weeks old) and he really wasn’t happy that I wasn’t going. Told him I just needed an hour to myself, going through a reflux battle at the min!
Anyway, just woken to a text from MIL saying that she will come and take the baby out tomorrow to ‘give me a break’. I’m fuming! I don’t need s break. What I need is help from her son, my husband, who is not helping me out at all. He works full time which I get, but I’ve asked him countless times for him to just do one feed once he’s home. He’s working long hours and seven days a week but still. I keep telling him to cut down his hours. He doesn’t feed him because he won’t learn how to wind him. If he does feed him then I’ll then have to wind him and then he won’t bother with the rest of the feed. He won’t change him, doesn’t know how to prepare or sterilise the bottles either. I just want him to spend time with his son. A lot of the time I have to ask him to even say hello to the little one!
I told him yesterday that I’m struggling with this reflux and he said ‘you need some hekp’ to which I ended up speechless. Yeah, I need help from him! We’ve had countless arguments about him not being any help and I’m banging my head against a brick wall.
AIBU about MIL offering to take son out? He’s obviously told her I need help. I feel really offended. I felt so much better after my bath last night, it was good to recharge my batteries and take a bit of time and actually wash my hair!! But he’s obviously told her I need help and probably made out that I’m not coping. I mean I’ll just be sat in the house if she does take him out as I’ve got nothing else to do.

I agree with most other posters that whilst your DH’s behaviour is wrong (for whatever reason) you should adopt a friendly and grateful approach to your DMIL.

Parenting is a long road and even if your DH has a Damascene conversion on parenting (entirely possible IMO) he still works very long hours so an extra helpful adult is a jewel beyond price. Yes you probably could just about manage without her but if you have the choice it’s not the best option.

It’ll also help you get enough rest and space to address the DH problem in a constructive way rather than lashing out destructively because you’re on your knees with exhaustion. He might just be an irredeemable cock but equally this could be a temporary problem and in two years time you’ll see them playing and wonder what you ever worried about.

Coming from someone who's dc also had reflux...yes take any help you can get. But what made a massive difference was a supportive DH. He works 12 hour shifts and on days can be home at 7 but would take the baby off me and feed and change her and give me some breathing space. I don't know if your DH is feeling down , not confident or whatever but it sounds to me he doesn't want to learn how to do the basics because this gets him out of taking care of the baby alone.

He can learn but he doesn't want to and that's just awful. Not even changing the baby ?? It's a cop out I think and I really feel for you because a reflux baby is bloody hard going. You're doing a great job doing it all yourself and enjoy some rest while MIL takes baby out for a bit.

I really do hope that in time he will redeem himself. I can imagine him to when he’s a little older as there’s been a few times when he’s mentioned them doing sports together, he’s looked at toys and activities to do and clothes as well, asked about at what age can he do certain things with him (swimming etc). So I do have a little hope and faith in him!

Thank you exploding carrots

Yes, ask to go with her say that you need a change of scenery. Ask drs for a trial of nutramogen or if that doesn't work neocate. If you have the money you can buy over counter for a trial (give it a week). If you are still breast feeding then you will need to give up milk and soya too.

He can’t just opt out of parenting stages he doesn’t like. I’ve heard it from many men ‘I’m not good at the baby bit but we can do MY interests together (football/rugby etc) when the baby is older’. Selfish twats in my opinion!

You are a parent therefore you make an effort at ALL ages. Not just the bits that suit you. Imagine if you took that attitude and decided the baby bit wasn’t for you so you just weren’t going to bother. Your baby would be taken into care.

Don’t let him make you do it all. It’s his child too.

Just be a bit
Prepared in case she says 'well he does work long hours' ..... you see it a lot on here - fact is he needs to also help out 50% when he's home because all the time he's out working, you're also working hard with a newborn - far harder than most jobs IMO

He works 7 days a week, it’s tiring. It’s not so tiring you can’t sit down & give your baby a bottle, or just have a ‘chat’ & a cuddle. Don’t make him read baby books, it doesnt come naturally with a newborn if you’re not used to it. Tell him just to talk to DS about his day, about football or macrame - whatever DH is interested in, it really doesn’t matter, tell him his son just needs his Daddy to hold him & talk to him.

Tell him what you’ve said here - he cannot sub out being a Dad. He needs to step up and spend time with his son each evening, not whine to his mother that you need help.

I wouldn’t be allowing someone who thought my pukey reflux baby was ‘having too many bottles’ take him out alone. If she wants to see the baby she can visit, if she wants to help she can talk to her son.

Annie that’s how I feel, don’t want him with her by himself just yet. He’s on reflux milk which has reduced his sickness but he has awful poops! Can’t be bothered with her coming back and giving me her opinion on what she thinks I should do just because she’s spent all of a couple hours with him. I’d be worried she wouldn’t want to feed him either!

Some people, DMs in particular, need to be told a few times before they realise the severity of the problems with their children. My DM is only just starting to see that my DBs GF is not an evil harpy and a good half of their problems stem from him. You may need to start trying to hammer home your concerns about DHs issues and this sounds like a perfect opportunity.

Totally agree with taking MIL help, take ANY help, especially with a reflux baby as you will burn yourself out (voice of experience) it is in no way a reflection on your parenting to ensure you're not zombie you have enough rest. Have a nice chat with her; you can slide in baby's reflux issues and therefore his bottle intake non confrontationally, and you can have a good chat about everything you mentioned here.

From your DH I would agree with PP about PND. My DH had it and he transformed into a different person, it was awful. His manifested as aggression - my mild tempered DH that wouldn't hurt a fly transformed into something quite scary. He shouted at a 6 week old baby, took everything she did personally and clung to me like a limpet. I would spend nights clutching our baby wondering if I had no choice but to leave; and then we got the silent reflux diagnosis and everything improved, almost overnight. It took him a while but he did come back to us and now he has a wonderful relationship with our DD. If your DH doesn't improve I would seriously consider taking him to the doctors, whilst his apprehension is normal the avoidance is extreme and tbh you're gonna need as much help as you can get for him to recognise that

Working 7 days a week isn't just "tiring" it's relentless and exhausting. And you have a refluxy newborn - you both must be on your knees. If you even half get on with your MiL then I suggest you accept a bit of help - for her, from friends, from your mum if she's close. Get yourselves through this bit, until your dh's work hours drop and then try and spend some family time together.

have you tried just telling him hes having baby today.does this need a real ventie row?he cant opt in for the good bits.and needs to know that yes you understand the drain of a full time job but also hes got to see ur exhausted too doing what you do.he might understand this if you hand over the dc for the day.

I wouldn't though miss the chance of mother in law help.for starters shes doing what she thinks is a nice thing.you want to keep that pathway open.nothing worse than a backbrissled mil relationship.if shes thinking poor didums son needs my help then maybe you could talk her through your side too and then she could whisper in his ear to pull his socks up. do you have that kind of relationship with her.or does she dought on son and think hes overworked and ur being unreasonable etc.
but take her offer appreciatively.and do nothing.you say you have nothing to do so just be a sleepy lazy pyjama wearing slob.or go out and find something fun to do.what have you missed since being a mum.swimming.walking.shopping.going to coffee.cinema.go have fun.
but don't leave this with your dh this cant be a substitute for a child needing a dad and a partner needing her man.

Do you think he should take the baby to work with him Kate?

With your MIL it isn't her "job" to take over for a bit, but it sounds like you need to hand the reins over for a short time why not let her so that you can recharge. You can ask her not to take the baby out but just let you have a lie down. Or ask her just to walk him around the block/not far in case he needs a feed so she doesn't go running to your SIL if that is even what she was going to do and it might not be. Or they might both be sympathetic to your plight.

Do you know who gave your DS the cuddle to settle back down last night? If it was your DH then that is a start and maybe you should keep engineering outings

My husband was the same. At about 8 weeks I exploded and said you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I have PND and I thought everything looked at me and thought how incompetent I was and how I couldn't cope. I didn't accept any help (although it was only offered once!!) because I thought it was a sign of not being able to cope. I thought people just wanted to take my baby away from me because I was doing such a bad job. And whenever I cried to my husband because I was overwhelmed and doing it all myself, he would say 'take her to MIL' and I would feel personally insulted because he was saying I couldn't deal with it.

After I had a chat with him and said you need to BE THERE and actually be involved, he did start trying a bit harder. Now she's 7 months and he loves her. He still isn't perfect and relies on me to have done a lot of stuff but he is perfectly capable of doing it himself and when I don't do them, he will step up (eventually).

It's a bit different to your story as I had PND but it's the same principal of not bonding.

Why don't you have your MIL sit with him in the house while you shower/sleep if you're a bit reluctant? Don't force yourself to give him to someone to take out if you don't want to!

Accept any help offered. You don't have to "need" it to appreciate it! It's fine to say something along the lines of: "I could cope ok but thank you so much, now I can breathe a little bit too!"

I would approach the issue with your MIL by saying you worrying that DP is not bounding with the baby and shows no interest in spending time with the baby. Long hours don't explain or justify this. It's also mean that you aren't actually complaining about him to his mom either, yet you are addressing (part of) the problem.

It was SIL that she’s going to see today that gave him the cuddle.

Let your mil take your baby and get some sleep, you don’t need to do anything else but sleep.
You are being unfair on your dh, he is clearly unsure of himself at the moment, but give him time. You all need to adjust to having a wee person around now, and by the way you are being horrible about the dog!

Mil is being kind let her help. Then ask her to have a word with her son!

If SIL gave the cuddle what your extended in law family saw last night wasn't that you can't cope but that your DH can't.
Whether they will give him a nudge will partly be down to how other men in the family are with newborns. If they aren't hands on or around then you are banging your head against a brick wall to get them to intervene on your behalf.

I think it’s unfsir to say that I’m being horrible about the dog. He is still being looked after and cared for, I just don’t appreciate a newborn being put below a dog in order of importance and priority. Luckily baby is a priority to me

OP, DH and I had a HUGE argument when my first child was about 10 weeks old. He would come home from work and do anything rather than just sit with her.

I eventually lost it; he admitted he was basically scared, had no idea what to do, saw me looking so confident with her and thought he'd do the other stuff that needed done, i.e. cleaning and making tea.

I told him, non-negotiable, he had to have her when he came home from work while I went and did other things for a while.

It really worked. He's a brilliant, brilliant dad, and I am in no way the 'senior' parent, we're absolute partners.

My worry with your partner is that he seems to see childcare as women's work, and is looking to shift some of it from you to his mother, in order to save himself a job. If that's the case, you've got a LOT of talking to do.

I’m meeting his mum and SIL today :) I’m gonna speak to them, not moan, just tell them the facts. I’m gonna give husband a few days and see what’s what, if there’s no improvement then I’m going to sit down and talk to him, ask him to be honest with me. I’m not gonna get angry with him as I know that won’t work (even though I feel like going mental at him!) Thank you all massively for your help!

Good luck with SiL and MIl today. I think sil could be the key here. If I had a brother who I learned was being a shit dad I would try my best to sort him out!

Trouble is if you tell them you need your DH to step up and help you more it does give them the option of offering to help in his place and using his long hours as an excuse for his lack of input, because the focus is on your (quite justified and fully deserving imho) need for more support. Might be more effective if you make it all about him and your concern and worry for him not bonding with baby, talk about him being scared to learn basic care skills and avoiding cuddling/spending time with him, his focussing on the dog to avoid his baby, they can't fix his lack of bonding by doing it for him, the only way to help is to help him be more involved, if they can help with his confidence you will then get the benefit of being able to rely on him more. It does sound like he is scared to parent so hopefully if you can get him past the fear it well then be easier to get him to do his proper share.