To think same sex parenting is easier

[doctorwhat]

So many threads I read about DH's saying they don't do enough housework or with the children.

Also women saying things like 'oh he's a great dad, I get a lie in one day a week'

I am in a same sex relationship and we don't have these 'traditional' often sexist roles whereby Mum deals with the house and baby while dad works and gets praised for helping out around the house.

These types of situations and arguments just don't exist because we don't have our gender stereotypes to fight. Although sometimes we do fight over who gets to clean the bathroom

Sure there are times we can both be lazy but it always works out without one person feeling like they are at their wits end.

All of our friends with kids are straight couples and usually once a week we hear the women complaining about husband gallivanting off leaving her to pick up the schools runs, after school activities despite working herself.

I guess I think it's annoying to see so many stereotypical gender roles playing out in front of us when we know it's completely possible to both parent children, work and have time to ourselves.

These types of situations and arguments just don't exist because we don't have our gender stereotypes to fight. Although sometimes we do fight over who gets to clean the bathroom

There’s nothing controversial or smug about this.

Everyone saying “smug” might be protesting too much that gender stereotypes don’t play out in their home.

I don't necessarily agree.

A lot of men are socialised to think they can avoid responsibility at home, and a lot of women enable this. In same sex relationships both partners are more likely to have equal expectations. But the same divisions still arise, because same sex or not, often one parent steps back from their career to work less and be with the children more. So then that person takes on more responsibility for the kids and house in exactly the same way that women in heterosexual relationships tend to do.

Ok I've made a mess of this!

It was definitely about gender stereotypes not to say that I am perfect. Relationship wise it's not easier at all being same sex. Same insecurities and same personality annoyances that come in all relationships. I didn't know how to word the title as this is my first post and so I clearly said the wrong thing.

Thanks to those who saw the point I was trying to say. I've really enjoyed reading Mumsnet as a new Mum. Annoyed with myself for not making my first post more worthwhile

@doctorwhat Don’t stress! It’s Mother’s Day, and AIBU, and possibly the worst time to post, that’s all

Ynbu all my friends want a wife!

@doctorwhat

Ignore the rude haters , no problem if they disagree with you but need need to be rude , typical mumsnet replied

doctor Your post is worthwhile!
Ok, I'll get off my high horse now and tell you I do get the point you are making!
There are undoubtedly issues male/female relationships face that same sex relationships don't. ALL of which is due to upbringing, genetics and environmental factors.
I guess I'm just tired of stereotypes, assumptions, labels.

itsagrandday they want a wife in the traditional, stay at home cooking and cleaning way though. I have a wife but she's away with work, socialising with clients and building a career while I'm at home with the kids!

Insp the op didn’t make any claims about abuse, so I’m not sure where that came from.

She said that in male female relationships the female often seems to do more housework and often resents this. Based on friends and acquaintances I’d agree, but clearly it is not the case for all male female couples and depends on individuals.

Also, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Cross post Insp - sorry.

I thought this was about parenting all boys as opposed to all girls in which case I was going to agree!

I think you've just generalised way too much in your OP. You can't say that one particular family dynamic is easier/better/ideal. And it goes come across very smug

Said that wrong.
As opposed to mixed genders!

QOD don't know if you were joking or what, but I have frequently thought I would want a wife should I ever be in a position to replace DDH. He is a lovely man, but, you know, he's a man. I often think it would be nice to be married to me, too, so I am definitely in dreamland!

OP I am also in a same sex relationship and completely agree. Yes NAMALT. But a lot are. And I find it's a lot easier to parent with another woman.

I am thinking of joining a commune

I had a conversation with my (gay) friends a couple of years after they adopted and when my 1st was still a baby.

We agreed it was more how you fall into the role of SAHP and the worker.

Even if I was married to a clone of me, I'm pretty sure I would have expectations of the worker me and SAH me!

I get what you're saying OP. It's not just about sharing the load. I've raised my children alone and many of my partnered up friends think I have it easier and I'm inclined to agree. It's been interesting observing the differences between my kids and their friends raised in traditional families. My kids had no sense of male/female stereotypes until they started school. The sexist nonsense they'd come home from school with from a young age was astounding and something I've had to challenge on a daily basis for years. And their peers get these ideas from home, I've witnessed parents encouraging stereotypical behaviours and attitudes first hand on more occassions than I care to remember and many, not all, of their friends are being raised in very traditional households which in turn will obviously impact on their own relationships and expectations in the future.

Things I worry about in a gay couple with children:
Children being bullied in a way that makes them have to consider my sex life in a way children of straight parents don't, usually.
Me being judged as more femme than my partner.
Us experiencing harassment or hate crimes in our neighbourhood.

Things I used to worry about in an abusive straight relationship (not like these wonderful relationships posted about on this thread - maybe more typical of stuff you see in r'ships board:
Being murdered, along with my children.
Being left in decades of debt.

Things I used to experience:
Rape and abuse that left me traumatised, dissasociated and unable to pay attention to my children in a way they deserve.
Social isolation.
Utter disempowerment.

I thought I'd never be capable of getting a job, or sustaining friendships. I thought my children were likely to grow up into the same roles we had modelled.

I think it's a shame this OP has elicited such a reaction although we did have a troll for a while who goaded folk by going on about how great it was to be a lesbian.

I think it's a shame you don't have gay parent friends though, OP.

One thing I've noticed is, broadly speaking, even when lesbian couples break up with a good helping of recriminations on both sides, there's role models to look to and a commitment to doing things in an emotionally intelligent way so children aren't impacted too negatively. Maybe sometimes ex-couples stay a bit too close, if anything. But there's less turning up at someone's front door and banging on it and shouting and frightening children.

Cue 298 MNers who know people who did a Gwyneth style conscious uncoupling. I don't know any straight couples like that.

MN is so defensive right now. You can't talk about white privilege or being a lesbian or having autism or whatever without getting jumped on.

I get what you are saying op! Found it quite an interesting point to make. Only thing is you have to share mothers day!

Opposite sex parenting gives children the advantage of Male and female role models, and the DV stats show lesbian relationships have the highest rate of violence.

I am in a same sex relationship and we don't have these 'traditional' often sexist roles

I'm in a different sex relationship and we don't have traditional often sexist roles either. You don't need to be in a same sex relationship to have equality.

Although I see where you're coming from, OP, in that there are a lot of women who do tolerate this in their relationships, what you don't realise is that in 2018 there are many different sex relationships that don't work like this anymore.

The wording of your OP makes you come across as smug that your are in a same sex relationship. Like you think that any heterosexual relationship is below yours in terms of equality. As you can see from the replies there are many heterosexual relationships that don't function like this.