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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He should have accepted this apology?

116 replies

DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 21:09

My son is 12 and has today been rude to my dp twice.

The first time he was coming out of a stubborn hypo (he has T1 Diabetes) just before his dinner, he had put his insulin down and couldn't remember where so we were all looking for it. My son lolled down on the sofa and DP said you won't find it lying there.
My son said shut up.
Yes DS shouldn't tell him to shut up but having a bad hypo makes him feel shit and it does affect his attitude. He can't help that it is his illness.

The second time he was asleep and I had made pancakes, I made him one not realising he was asleep so asked DP to shout him.
He shouted him a couple of times and DS shouted back what, DP said to come down and so DS came down and snapped what do you want.
When he came into the kitchen to get his food I told him he shouldn't snap at people and not to be rude.
He then went back and apologised to DP for snapping at him.

DP just completely ignored him.

I said if he wants to cause tension he can go home. He is the adult and whilst DS was out of order I have had a word and he apologised.

So AIBU or should he have accepted the apology?

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 10/03/2018 23:10

Op, I am surprised at some of these replies.

You are not being unreasonable at all. It is your dh who is being unreasonable, sulky, and much more childish than your son.

My ds is also 12, he also has type 1. He is the most easy going, kind, polite, happy child since he was a baby. The way we knew something was wrong last year was sometimes he would get grumpy like you’re describing, not acting like himself. Next thing we know he is in an ambulance and could have died and spent days in the hospital, after being rushed to the er to get stabilized.

He is on insulin and has some of these times like your ds when his blood sugar is way up, then way down, then up again. Of course it is going to affect a human being somewhat in their attitude. It’s not easy to deal with these emotions when you’re a child. When the hospital educated us on type 1, they talked at length about the mood swings that are caused by the physical ups and downs from the blood sugar. From what you said in your posts, your ds didn’t hardly do anything so terrible, and he apologized. He said, shut up after being insulted “you’re not going to find it sitting on the couch (you’re lazy)” and the other time he said, what do you want. Is that all he did?? I would bet your dp couldn’t handle a high or low blood sugar better than your ds. A little understanding and compassion is in order. I would also think there might be a back story to some of this, in that your dp resents your ds and he picks up on that and doesn’t trust him.

Don’t listen to posters who have no understanding of type 1 and the children who have to struggle with it every day of their lives. It is not a walk in the park. The dangerous lows alone are a scary reality that death is possible if diligence is not 24/7.

Lashalicious · 10/03/2018 23:12

YES to the poster who said it is a physiological reaction. Not being disrespectful.

ladyme · 10/03/2018 23:18

I don't think some of these posters have ever encountered a 12 year old, never mind one with a condition like diabetes! Have some compassion, it must be really frightening to have a hypo! He was probably sleeping because he was exhausted by it.

Plus kids that age do try to push the boundaries when they talk to you. Yes, of course you push back on them, but it's part of parenting.

The DP seems to think it's ok to make smart arse comments to this kid and then be treated like a guest the next minute. Sometimes kids are lippy, they get told it's unacceptable apologise and move on. The best way to parent this age group is by example and modelling the behaviour you want from them.

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 23:18

Lashilicious your Ds's diagnosis sou.ds exactly like my Ds's. It was 3 weeks before his 12th birthday and we almost lost him. Spend two days in the high depndancy unit on an insulin drip barley conscious and we had a fast learning curve.

The mood swings related to blood sugar are not his fault at all and my DP should know that. He has been experiencing it all with us. He could have been more understanding and not made a spiteful comment.

OP posts:
rinabean · 10/03/2018 23:19

Please bear in mind this is your partner still trying to impress you, and not actually dealing with your son every day, and he's already being rude to him when he's ill and not accepting apologies for mild rudeness.

I don't understand why you took seriously the people who think an ill 12 year old can't tell a rude person to shut up. I wonder if he was actually better by the time of when he was woken up either. Did your partner apologise to your son for the first incident or was your son still going to have been upset about that when he was woken up?

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 23:25

Just a thought but your DS won't find his meds when he eventually moves out by lolling on the sofa.

As for the second and your dp causing tension maybe you could have called your ds instead of asking him for the favour.

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 23:26

My son didn't hold a grudge over the first incident, he is more mature than my dp obviously. We ate dinner and it wad forgotten about.

That is what worried me @Rinabean and why I told him to go home if he wanted to cause tension. Then so many people here said I was in the wrong I started doubting myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 23:27

@Boney I was in the kitchen making pancakes for everyone. Dp was sat in the sofa, he didn't have to move, hardly a favour

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 23:32

Dextro

You asked him to do something for you, it was a favour to you, you could also have shouted upstairs.

It wasn't a big thing but it has turned in to a big thing, due to the response that he has had from it.

ladyme · 10/03/2018 23:39

Boneyback

No he won't, but he's not on the brink of moving out is he? 12 year olds aren't expected to function as fully independent adults. We do all sorts of things for them. They are children! This particular 12 year old is having to adjust to a live long live threatening condition!

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 10/03/2018 23:41

It's a physiological reaction. Might as well tell someone who fainted to apologise for having been unconscious.

Exactly this. I'm a type 1 diabetic and irritability is a very common and well-recognised symptom of both hypos and hyperglycaemia. With a hypo, your brain is literally starved of sugar and the screeching drive to get glucose takes over everything. There is no room in your head for social niceties... because you're going to die unless you get food. Quickly. Being rude in that state is not a choice.

Of course your partner should have accepted the apology.

macbethh · 10/03/2018 23:41

Tbh it seems like your DP was biting his tongue and I think this is a mature response as to not escalate the situation if he was still annoyed. I think your son needed to apologise off of his own back or else I'd still be annoyed to

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 23:43

Just to add a point to this

If the relationship is going to survive there needs to be a whole family discussion about acceptable behaviour (form all parties) and personal responsibility for meds and where they are kept.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 23:46

ladyme

I agree that he isn't on the verge on moving out, but he goes to school, he goes out to see his mates, he may well play sports, he presumably does other activities outside of the house.

He needs to get organised.

macbethh · 10/03/2018 23:48

Also I have type 1 and I get how your son would be feeling so I understand he might have snapped however he should apologise afterwards for snapping

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 23:50

Boney I am guessing you have no experience of diabetes. He was about to use his insulin which is why it wasn't where we keep it. He went hypo very fast and it was stubborn. Being hypo makes him confused and disoriented. He thought he had put it down in the front room. He want being careless or disorganised, he literally didn't know what was happening.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 10/03/2018 23:55

DextroDependant
Boney I am guessing you have no experience of diabetes.

Actually I do.

But I apologise because I misread the first line of your main paragraph.

SomeKnobend · 10/03/2018 23:55

Op, I think a lot of people are responding without understanding the effects of diabetes. Poor behaviour is taught as a warning sign for a diabetic going into a hypo at first aid courses. It's not the kid's fault or a teenage strop at all, it's a medical issue. He should have apologised afterwards, and he did so. Your dp should have accepted the apology.

LemonysSnicket · 10/03/2018 23:56

Tbh I’d be pissed off like your son too- I have hypoglycaemia and a hypo literally makes you feel dead, every movement is 10 times harder.
The second time the poor kid had just woken up.

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 23:58

Thanks Boney I don't even want to consider when DS moves out. He does take responsibility for his own care at home but I like to keep check on things. I am dreading not being there all the time to make sure he is ok.

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 11/03/2018 00:01

YANBU to an extent. It was rude of your DP to ‘shout’ him. If he wanted a nice response he should have behaved nicely himself. As for the low blood sugar, well your DP was the one being rude there.

Mrspotter12 · 11/03/2018 00:44

When hypo ing you are not yourself. Your brain is not getting enough fuel to function. You are not responsible for your behaviour. And you physically feel like shit after wards.
What you are responsible for is your actions after you "come back up". When a senior manager made a crack about getting chocolate from the vending machine I replied that it was better than having someone call an ambulance before stalking back to my desk stuffing my face. When my sugars came back up I apologised. When I'm hypo I'm a bitch. When I FULLY recover I apologise- encourage your son to reflect on his behaviour and act appropriately when he's better xx

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2018 03:30

I think your dp sounds a bit over sensitive. I think maybe he needs to chill a bit. The first incident he was kind of goading your son.

The second incident I agree would be annoying, and your son was in the wrong.

I think they need to work on their relationship. But to be honest you could make life easier but not asking your dp to do things like call your son. You don't live together so maybe it's a new relationship (or newish) and you need to be the one doing the calling/getting and dealing with rudeness not your dp. So on balance YAB (a bit) U. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 11/03/2018 03:32

by not asking....

ConfessionsOfTeenageDramaQueen · 11/03/2018 03:51

Be careful not to let him use his diabetes as an excuse for rudeness.

Unless you have any direct experience with T1 diabetes you can fuck right off.

OP in the first instance I would absolutely have given your son a pass - hypos are a complete headfuck and he would have a) been feeling frustrated with his body and b) defensive for sitting on the sofa while everyone else was looking for his kit, despite being perfectly entitled to because he was probably out of it.

You need to make sure your DP has more understanding of what T1 is like.

In the second instance, snapping "what" really isn't that bad, especially for a pre-teen, and your DP should have let it go.

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