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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He should have accepted this apology?

116 replies

DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 21:09

My son is 12 and has today been rude to my dp twice.

The first time he was coming out of a stubborn hypo (he has T1 Diabetes) just before his dinner, he had put his insulin down and couldn't remember where so we were all looking for it. My son lolled down on the sofa and DP said you won't find it lying there.
My son said shut up.
Yes DS shouldn't tell him to shut up but having a bad hypo makes him feel shit and it does affect his attitude. He can't help that it is his illness.

The second time he was asleep and I had made pancakes, I made him one not realising he was asleep so asked DP to shout him.
He shouted him a couple of times and DS shouted back what, DP said to come down and so DS came down and snapped what do you want.
When he came into the kitchen to get his food I told him he shouldn't snap at people and not to be rude.
He then went back and apologised to DP for snapping at him.

DP just completely ignored him.

I said if he wants to cause tension he can go home. He is the adult and whilst DS was out of order I have had a word and he apologised.

So AIBU or should he have accepted the apology?

OP posts:
pictish · 10/03/2018 21:59

“He was a bit snappy, he didn’t crap in his shoe.”

A bit snappy = rude. I can’t stand people who feel at liberty to be ‘a bit snappy’. They think that manners are optional to them. I disagree.

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 21:59

@GoldenSunnyDays both incidents were today. I made pancakes for supper but hadn't realised DS was asleep, I thought he was playing his console in his room.
He has had diabetes for a year now and genuinely doesn't have any problems with it. We are both very laid back and it has just become normal life.

@Jamie he doesn't loose it often, it was just because he was in a hypo when he came downstairs he got confused and though he had brought it down with him but it was in his room.

DP has known him for 18 months and DS had had diabetes for 12 months so it's not new.

We is generally well behaved. Not perfect of course, what 12 year old is but he doesn't give cheek all the time or have a bad attitude in general.

OP posts:
Clandestino · 10/03/2018 22:00

I would be pissed off if a 12 year old behaved like this to me and I wouldn't feel like acknowledging the apology either.
You are enabling your son to be disrespectful to your partner. At 12 he is not a small child anymore. Stop trying to find excuses for him, his attitude stinks.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 22:00

I don't think apologies always have to be instantly accepted, or at least it doesn't instantly cure things. That sometimes gives a sense that being rude is ok as long as you say sorry.

Exactly.

Re your comment about shoving your apology up their arse, if your apology is only meant if the other person instantly accepts it and lets it all go, it's not actually an apology. There are strings attached. You're not saying sorry because you know you're wrong, you're saying it because you're expecting a certain response.

That's not how apologies work.

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 22:02

@Auspiciouspanda I totally agree with you. It has just been an unfortunate day timing wise and he didn't react well, he apologised, surely that should be the end of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 22:05

@Clandestino- I didn't enable him, I told him off. I think telling him not to be so rude is appropriate in the circumstances. Not sure what punishment would be more acceptable?

OP posts:
pictish · 10/03/2018 22:06

He apologised because you told him to. He didn’t apologise because he was remorseful over his behaviour. Why should saying the word sorry be the end of it? Does the ingenuine apology negate the genuine lack of respect? I don’t think so, do you?

SockMobster · 10/03/2018 22:07

I would totally ignore any behaviour related to hypo, and your partner should know how hypos affect your son... They make you feel like shit.

Your DP sounds like he needs to grow up, he should have at least aknowledged the apology. It does sound like your son hasn't been feeling great today.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/03/2018 22:11

So, your son was ill, with his brain being starved of energy, and got a sarcastic gibe from your "D"P. His reply was not rude. It was hypo.

The second time, yes he was rude. So that's one all. Except I presume your "D"P was not ill at the time your son was being rude to him about being woken up. So, actually, the adult still comes out of this far worse.

Does your DP have any understanding of IDDM at all???

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 22:11

What do you think should have happened then @pictish? I am being genuine, not sarcy, I know it is hard to convey tone in text.

I honestly don't see what else needed to happen.
DS was woken up by being shouted.
He came down and asked in a sharp tone, what do you want?
DP said your mum wants you.
I told him not to be so rude.
He said sorry he was asleep.
I said he Should apologise to DP
He did so
DP completely ignored him.

What would be more appropriate?

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 10/03/2018 22:11

DP has known him for 18 months and DS had had diabetes for 12 months so it's not new.

That is quite new imo so he's probably still adjusting to the effects himself.

If the rudeness was definately as a result of the hypo then you do need to speak to your partner.

However, your son should apologise unprompted afterwards even if he doesn't have control over it.

Does your DP understand the effects of low blood sugar on your son?

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 22:14

Sock and cool that is exactly how I see it. That it was actually DP in the wrong the first time.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 10/03/2018 22:15

DP should have accepted the apology. It's really immature not to.

Hypos are nightmares and make people very ratty.

Is DP not his dad and you're concerned about their relationship? What's the context?

dontbesillyhenry · 10/03/2018 22:16

I don't think many on here are appreciating just how hypos can affect and alter someone's behaviour

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 22:17

Lala it was definitely hypo related, I can always tell when his sugars are playing up because it's just so different to his usual self.

He should apologise though, I will have a chat with him about that. He always apologises to me unprompted so he should extend that to DP too.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 10/03/2018 22:17

Do you have other concerns about how he is with your son?

Bunbunbunny · 10/03/2018 22:18

My DF is type 1 and is the nicest person, he’ll do anything to help anyone. He rarely has hypos but started a new physical job so his sugar levels were dropping, he turned into a complete arsehole! It wasn’t my dad at all, and we just fed him to bring his levels up! Thankfully he’s changed his dosage so it’s not happening now but I didn’t even want to talk to him!!

If your ds had two doses of detrose then he must have been quite low, it might be worth chatting to him to make him aware of how he does act when he’s hypo and why he needs to monitor his sugar levels. He won’t be able to control the mood swing it’s a symptom of the hypo and your DP needs to understand that.

If your ds had been rude and he wasn’t hypo then yes he was out of order.

RidingWindhorses · 10/03/2018 22:18

Sometimes kids have to be prompted to apologise, it's not the end of the world. It's not judgement day.

lalalalyra · 10/03/2018 22:19

it was definitely hypo related, I can always tell when his sugars are playing up because it's just so different to his usual self.

He should apologise though, I will have a chat with him about that. He always apologises to me unprompted so he should extend that to DP too.

You need to speak to your DP then.

If your son has no control over his mood at that point then your DP shouldn't be sulking/punishing him for it. Yes, your DS needs to apologise because it's never nice having someone be rude to you, but your DP needs to realise that it's not acceptable for him to punish your son for having a condition.

Original poster
DextroDependant · 10/03/2018 22:20

@Riding, DP is not his dad, he is my boyfriend. He doesn't live with is but has known DS for 18 months.

Not really worried about their relationship, just wasn't sure if I had over reacted in defence of my son or if I was justified thinking He was being childish.

By the way, neither of them are bothered now, they probably aren't giving it a second thought. Both playing their consoles. Its only me over thinking it.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/03/2018 22:22

No it’s not...but having been told to shut up and rudely asked “what do you want?”, it’s understandable that the dp wouldn’t immediately offer assurances either. It won’t do the lad any harm to understand that his rudeness pissed dp off.

LimonViola · 10/03/2018 22:25

i a aid he Should apologise to DP
He did so

So it was only after he was told to apologise that he did. No wonder DP didn't instantly jump to thank him for bestowing him with a forced apology Hmm

nocoolnamesleft · 10/03/2018 22:27

I presume the DP had earlier spontaneously apologised for being an arsehole whilst the DS was having a hypo? No?

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 10/03/2018 22:28

It's amazing how no-one else's teenagers say 'shut up' occasionally on this thread!

I don't tolerate daily rudeness at all, but every now and again, we all (including me) get a bit grumpy, me when I'm tired and my dd when she's due on her period- and a 'shut up' at that time wouldn't be desirable but it would be one of those things. I'd definitely accept an apology and want to move on.

In the first instance anyway, your partner was poking at him (not in a terrible way, just said something slightly unhelpful) and he reacted when in a diabetic state. This to me is not terrible, it's just a minor thing that could blow over and everyone might have been better served shutting up!

Second time, he said slightly irritably 'what do you want'? Again, I don't find this outrageous even if it is rude, and a 'sorry, I was asleep, won't do it again' should suffice.

If your partner is usually easy-going, I'd let it go, if he's one to escalate slightly then you may have more of an issue.

Your son sounds normal- that's what teenagers with hormones/health conditions might do and the best thing to do is to calm it down and move on.

SockMobster · 10/03/2018 22:28

@nocoolnamesleft Yep. Or apologised for waking him up when his sugars have been unstable...