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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to buy wedding gifts

84 replies

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:09

Dh and I eloped. No presents. We were very young, not even aware of most wedding traditions: we just wanted to get married.

Most of my friends are married now. They had wonderful weddings, very traditional, we have always enjoyed them. But they also cost an arm and a leg - approximately £500 per wedding if you factor in travel & accommodation, more if I buy a new outfit. And that’s not even including the hen do.

So ... if the wedding invitation says ‘no need for gifts but if you like you can give us cash/ John Lewis vouchers/ buy something from our gift list’ then I don’t buy a gift. If there’s just a gift list then I do. For very good friends I have sometimes also bought them something I think they’ll like, which is more personal.

Aibu not buying a gift? I spoke to sil about it today and she said the guests are meant to buy a gift to the value of their meal at the reception! I am mortified - I never thought of that. I just genuinely thought if people don’t need gifts (everyone I know has lived together for years before getting married) that they don’t expect them.

But then, I’ve never organised or paid for an expensive wedding. Have I been incredibly rude for the last 10 years?

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 20:13

If you're under about 35 or 40, you'd expect a present, either an actual present or a cash gift, I'm afraid.

You didn't spend anything on other people at your wedding, so you wouldn't have presents in return.

If you're older, it's quite likely you wouldn't need the money and it's a second marriage and you've got enough stuff to last a lifetime - in that case you could take it literally.

Birdsgottafly · 10/03/2018 20:14

You'll get told no, but you have been rude if you could have afforded a gift.

I don't understand why you, or anyone else is against giving cash and why the gift list isn't stuck to, tbh.

If someone is good enough to invite you to their day, or any celebration, the gift is about them, not about you.

EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 20:16

I've been to loads of weddings and it's never cost me £500. £80 for cheap hotel, wear a dress from my wardrobe, same with shoes, never more than £30-£40 on fuel, free food etc. Unless you're going abroad £500 is pretty steep!

SundaySalon · 10/03/2018 20:17

If you are a day guest at a wedding of a friend I think a token gift is fine, especially if you go on the hen do or you’re part of the wedding party. My bridesmaids all put £10 together and bought me a bottle of perfume to wear on the day, they spent so much money on hen do and accommodation.
My family are Greek though and everyone brings cash to a wedding, they wouldn’t dream of showing up empty handed. I think British weddings are different though. I don’t suppose anyone has ever pulled you up on it? It also depends on your financial circumstances, as you said weddings can easily cost £500 for a day and night, that’s a lot of money for most.

Your SIL is right from a Greek point of view, you’re supposed to cover the cost of your meal at least... then you pin the cash to the brides dress

EvadneBadne · 10/03/2018 20:17

I would buy a gift. It's the done thing. If you can't afford it they should know you well enough to understand..

DalekDalekDalek · 10/03/2018 20:18

A bit rude yes. Gifts are generally given at weddings, particularly to close friends and relatives. You can't not give them just because you eloped and didn't receive them.

AvoidingDM · 10/03/2018 20:19

I would say it's rude not to buy a gift esp if you attended the wedding. You wouldn't turn up to a birthday party empty handed.

Only if a couple say they want absolutely nothing would I even consider going empty handed.

AvoidingDM · 10/03/2018 20:23

As much as it's expensive to attend a wedding it's expensive to invite people too. I'm married almost 10 year got married in an average 3star hotel the meal was £25 per head and drinks were about £20, so we were £90 per couple!!!

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:23

Oh god I feel dreadful ...

The eloping bit isn’t relevant because I didn’t get any gifts, but just because to illustrate the fact that I know nothing about wedding traditions.

To be clear, I do buy a gift, unless the invitation says ‘no need to buy us a gift, but if you like here are some options ...’ Because I assume they really do mean ‘no need to buy us a gift..’ But sil said that is just a polite way of telling you about gift options.

OP posts:

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:25

Yes, I think I had never thought about how expensive a wedding is to host. And I didn’t realise the done thing was to give a gift of equivalent value! Why did nobody tell me????!

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Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:26

Oh god.

Can I give people gifts in retrospect?

I feel so awful.

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Liara · 10/03/2018 20:27

I do the same. But then I don't like weddings so if I go it's because I feel I absolutely have to and I'm doing them a favour, so spending even more money on top grates.

Generally manage to give them a miss, though.

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:28

liara I’ve often felt that I just don’t get weddings. Normally have a great time, and I’m very happy for the couple. But I have never 100% understood why people do it, I suppose.

Certainly never wanted to be rude though. And I think I have been.

OP posts:

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/03/2018 20:31

None of your friends will mind. If they really wanted gifts they'd have had a list. All I wanted was for my family and friends to turn up

DonutCone · 10/03/2018 20:31

Yes I'm sorry but it's appalling manners to turn up to a wedding empty handed.

You happily ate the meal they paid for, and enjoyed their entertainment but you didn't realise that's it's pretty basic just to bring something?

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:36

donut no I didn’t know! I honestly didn’t know. When I throw a party, I only want people to come. I didn’t realise a wedding was different.

How did you know? Why didn’t anyone tell me? And why write on the invitation that they don’t expect gifts when everyone does?

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/03/2018 20:40

If you like, and you can work out the date, maybe make a fuss of any big wedding anniversaries?

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2018 20:41

Well you know for next time!

When DH and I got married we didn’t elope but we slipped off away with just family and had a tiny do, followed by cake and champagne a couple of weeks later with close friends. It never occurred to me that anyone would bring gifts to the latter as we didn’t even feed them more than cake and drives and it was a slow low key thing at home. Everyone who came brought something, it was overwhelming and a bit embarrassing tbh! But the gifts were so thoughtful and we had a handful of lovely cards too, people seemed to want to mark the event even when there was absolutely no expectation.

Might have been because DH, my second husband, is a million times the man my ex was and people who love me were very very relieved I wasn’t fucking this one up. Hmmm.

kaytee87 · 10/03/2018 20:41

I'd never turn up at someone's party (be that a birthday party, dinner party, christening or wedding) without an appropriate gift, very rude in my eyes. Different if they specify they do not want gifts at all, in that case a nice card would do.

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:43

testing marking the anniversaries is a good idea. I can start working that out ...

Would it be weird if I apologised to all my friends and said I didn’t understand at the time, but would like to buy them something now?

OP posts:

LaurieMarlow · 10/03/2018 20:44

If the invitation says no need for a gift then I think that's fine. Most couples are more interested in their friends being there, they wouldn't specify no gifts if they didn't mean it.

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:45

I honestly feel dreadful. I would of course buy a birthday gift for a party but my friends and I often just get each other flowers or buy each other a drink. We don’t go in for big gifts, and I have never personally expected any so I didn’t know other people did.

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GreenTulips · 10/03/2018 20:45

And why write on the invitation that they don’t expect gifts

Because we are brought up not to expect anything and be grateful for anything that is given.

It's rude to ask for gifts! So they politely say 'we're not expecting anything .... but here's a list' perfectly normal way of saying please buy X

arethereanyleftatall · 10/03/2018 20:46

I will always buy a gift for a wedding. Always.

That's why for me, I would prefer to be told what to get (even via a poem), as I will absolutely be getting something anyway.

Original poster

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:46

green aaaaaghhh is it???????!!!!!!!

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