Not to buy wedding gifts

[notheretoargue]

Dh and I eloped. No presents. We were very young, not even aware of most wedding traditions: we just wanted to get married.

Most of my friends are married now. They had wonderful weddings, very traditional, we have always enjoyed them. But they also cost an arm and a leg - approximately £500 per wedding if you factor in travel & accommodation, more if I buy a new outfit. And that’s not even including the hen do.

So ... if the wedding invitation says ‘no need for gifts but if you like you can give us cash/ John Lewis vouchers/ buy something from our gift list’ then I don’t buy a gift. If there’s just a gift list then I do. For very good friends I have sometimes also bought them something I think they’ll like, which is more personal.

Aibu not buying a gift? I spoke to sil about it today and she said the guests are meant to buy a gift to the value of their meal at the reception! I am mortified - I never thought of that. I just genuinely thought if people don’t need gifts (everyone I know has lived together for years before getting married) that they don’t expect them.

But then, I’ve never organised or paid for an expensive wedding. Have I been incredibly rude for the last 10 years?

We said no need for gifts and didn't get one from everyone. I have no issue with it, we were just so happy everyone could be there and celebrate with us. Got fab cards though which I've kept in my wedding box.

When we got married I wasn't interested in keeping any kind of tally of who got a present or didn't. I was one of the first of my friends to get married and a lot of my mates are arts grad types who didn't have much money then or now, so I didn't expect a present from them by any means. Or from anyone really.

Some of my friends get a bit narky about wedding lists when they are like 'But they lived together for 5 years, they don't need stuff' and I think a few people have changed how they look at it when I explained that maybe they have but most people, like DH and I who had lived together for a year beforehand, and independently some time before that, do have 'stuff', but it's crap stuff. Bits and bobs from Ikea or (when it existed) Woolworths or whatever. So a wedding is a chance to get nicer things, matching things and stuff that will last. We disapprove of lists where everything is super expensive, so we made sure to put a range starting cheaply.

I always buy presents but I don't feel any need to spend more than I can reasonably afford because I know no friend would expect that of me anyway.

We said no gifts, but if people really wanted to, our favourite charities were x,y and z. A few people gave gifts, a few made us things and some donated to the charities, but the majority didn't give a gift and that was what we expected. Don't feel mortified - if people say no gifts, they shouldn't expect them.

My cousin has done this. She's asked for money but I always think asking for money is a bit cheeky to be honest. Especially if they know some people like ourselves have no spare money at the end of the month.
I'd much rather source a gift, something personal but I think it'd be binned or sent to a charity shop.
But if I didn't know them well I'd get them a little token gift

When we got married some of our guests didn't give us a gift. We didn't say no gifts but we didn't have a list. They're still friends. I couldn't care less. Don't worry about it.

Because we are brought up not to expect anything and be grateful for anything that is given

But the argument here is that everyone does actually expect something and they are mad if you don't?

This "cover your plate" leaves such a nasty taste in my mouth - just because marriage is a contract, it doesn't mean the bloody celebration needs to be too. We invited the people we loved to celebrate our marriage with us and we wanted them to enjoy themselves, they owed us nothing in return for our invitation. We chose how much we wanted to spend and we didn't want any gifts (but made suggestions if people did want to give us something). I didn't cross reference gifts against attendees, or expect more from people whose children were invited too.

If you were my friend and you did this:
Would it be weird if I apologised to all my friends and said I didn’t understand at the time, but would like to buy them something now?
I would just love you for EVER and reassure you that you didn't need to buy me a thing. You'd make it funny, and I'd think you were gorgeous.

But, of course, if you were my friend IRL, you'd be gorgeous in any case!

Just wanted to say there's really no need to apologise to friends or.give this any more thought. Your friends might wonder why u didn't bring a gift as it's customary but the ones who matter won't hold it against u. Expecting a gift that has a certain value is completely unreasonable. U don't expect to make the cost of your wedding back in gifts unless u r very materialistic. The cost of your meal idea is silly anyway because how could anyone know what their meal cost unless they research the prices of each wedding venue? It also means that richer friends get more instead of the friends who really might need or value things or who are closer. Just spend what u can afford and certainly don't worry about the posters who are spending in the 100s. They are in the minority in my circle and I imagine would be in most low/middle income groups. If I gave that much as a gift I would have to turn down some weddings and I hope my friends would rather have me there and a small gift than not have me there at all. If that's not the case then why are we friends?

When we got married I wasn't interested in keeping any kind of tally of who got a present or didn't.

Didn't you send out thank you cards for the presents? I made a list of who gave us what, so I could send cards thanking them for xyz.

We put that we didn’t expect gifts but my cousin did it better I think, by not even mentioning that they didn’t want them on the invite. If anyone asked, she said please just come as they already lived together. I genuinely meant it so if you came without a gift, I wouldn’t have thought twice.

It sounds like you give gifts if they ask for them but if they say don’t then you don’t. This is reasonable to me! I didn’t invite people to recoup the cost of a party that I chose to have!

I'd always give cash or something off the list but I'm not sure where this 'cover the cost of your meal' comes from. I'd not heard of that outside mumsnet. How do you have any idea how much they've spent on your meal, particularly in advance when you are sorting the gift, or is it just a figure of speech??

So people decide to get married and then expect that others:

• Turn up in shiny clothes
• pay for their own travel and accommodation
• take time off work if the wedding is on a weekday, possibly forgoing income.

And then they want you to go somewhere you didn’t want to go to be trapped at a venue with a bunch of other people, eat food that you don’t choose — and on top of that, you’re rude if you don’t give them stuff on top of this.

God I hate weddings.

It's worth understanding the function this ceremonial gift exchange performs.

Older generations would give gifts or money to younger ones to help them start off in life before they'd had time to build their own finances.

Then once that couple grew older they effectively gave back to the same community when they attended weddings of younger couples by giving them gifts. Thus the money moves in a circular way and is targeted at those who need it most.

Yet in recent years things have changed radically, many couples already live together when they get married and have much of what is needed in their homes – whether it's toasters, kettles or silverware. In fact, perversely, the biggest cost of getting married for many couples isn't setting up home, but the wedding day itself.

As for how much guests should give? Well, that's up to the guest. There are a number of factors: the closer they are to you the more they should give, the more expensive the wedding ceremony the more they should give (effectively offsetting the cost). But if guests are struggling, expect less.

• Copied and pasted from the Guru... Martin Lewis

I think it depends on the culture. I didn't receive any gifts from a few guests at my wedding, and I was fine with it. Both my sister and my best friend didn't even give one, and it didn't bother me at all.

But one thing, I think people exaggerate how much they have to spend attending weddings. You don't have to buy a new outfit for example. Something old, or just black trousers and a blouse you wear to work will do. If you decide to splash out on a new dress, new shoes and new handbag that's your own choice, it has nothing to do with the couple. £500 for every wedding you go to?

When I got married nearly 30 years ago asking for money was a bit taboo and lists were just starting. I thought both were very rude so did neither but if someone asked I'd give them a few ideas. Instead of a hen doo most people had a 'show of presents' where you set up your presents, invited all your aunties, grannies etc to mooch over your electric carving knives over a ham sandwich and cup of tea (no prosecco in those days!!!) My MIL insisted on inviting a couple of her family frenimies, one gave us a vase from Poundstretcher with 2 pillow protectors stuffed (crumpled) inside and another gave us an empty mason jar that cost about £1.25. Oh how we laughed!!! If I'm invited to a wedding I usually spend what I think it would cost to host me, but I don't like giving money. However I did decline an invitation to a family wedding and sent £100- which was a huge saving on what it would have cost for transport, hotel, outfit, etc, etc. When my SIL got married someone gave her a hoover and she asked them to change it as it was the wrong colour!!!!

When you think about it, isn't it a bit of a daft palaver, this wedding business and gifts
We'll invite you to our wedding and your meal costs X.
You give a present of X value.
Why not just pay for your meal ?

Is the done thing really to cover the cost of a meal? So I get invited to a wedding that's in a really posh hotel I should give more money than if I get invited to a budget wedding even if the budget wedding is say family or very close friend and expensive wedding is not?

I've always given cash of approx £20 (admittedly most weddings we have attended were a few years ago now as almost everyone we know is now married so we have given more in recent times). I usually give more to family and very close friends though.

We put on our wedding invitation that we didn't want/expect gifts but, possibly due to it being a tiny wedding, we did receive money/JL gift vouchers from most people.

We had 11 couples at our wedding (16 years ago) - DH's parents gave us £1K (I think before the wedding though - to help pay for it, can't remember now), my brother £100, everyone else gave us cash/gift vouchers in the £30-£50 range - apart from DH's sister who didn't give us a gift.

It was a fairly expensive venue and we paid of all drinks - I think, per couple, it probably cost £190-£200. I would've been mortified if people attempted to 'cover their plate'.

This sounds bad but...afterwards I was chatting with a close friend (who married just before us - and put on not expecting gifts but if you really want to here is the registry) and the topic of most people ignoring the request for no gifts came up. She was also surprised - she had a large wedding (150 to full day) and like mine, only one person/couple didn't give a gift of some sort. Interesting in both our cases it was the person/couple we perceived as being the wealthiest.

You know people will talk about you. Fair enough if you're skint...a wee photo frame or a bottle of something. But to go along to a whole wedding without so much as a card? Jeez.
And yes they will notice. Most people I know note down who gave what so they can do personalised thank you letters.
I can't believe you have so little manners

We come from two different countries so travel was always going to cost half the guests something, we wrote that people being there was the best gift and we meant it.

The cost of hosting or attending a wedding aside, surely it’s good manners to attend ANY personally hosted event with something - anything - for the host? The skintest of our guests brought a bottle of wine or a small framed photo (not a new frame) to our wedding.

We lived together for 5 years before getting married but we only had cheap plates from Tesco, a cheap kettle and toaster etc so when we were getting married. If people asked what we wanted we gave the our JL list and got some really good quality homeware that will last us decades. Only one guest “covered the cost of their plate” and he is a single man with no kids and no mortgage who is always very generous in everything he does. Most gifts were in the £20 - £30 range and it’s lovely to look at the crockery we use everyday and think so and so bought that for our wedding. We did get 2 experience type gifts and they were lovely but it’s the things I use every day that I treasure the most. There were a couple of people who didn’t bring a gift but that’s ok, I was brought up not to expect gifts but to be grateful for what you get.