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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to buy wedding gifts

84 replies

notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 20:09

Dh and I eloped. No presents. We were very young, not even aware of most wedding traditions: we just wanted to get married.

Most of my friends are married now. They had wonderful weddings, very traditional, we have always enjoyed them. But they also cost an arm and a leg - approximately £500 per wedding if you factor in travel & accommodation, more if I buy a new outfit. And that’s not even including the hen do.

So ... if the wedding invitation says ‘no need for gifts but if you like you can give us cash/ John Lewis vouchers/ buy something from our gift list’ then I don’t buy a gift. If there’s just a gift list then I do. For very good friends I have sometimes also bought them something I think they’ll like, which is more personal.

Aibu not buying a gift? I spoke to sil about it today and she said the guests are meant to buy a gift to the value of their meal at the reception! I am mortified - I never thought of that. I just genuinely thought if people don’t need gifts (everyone I know has lived together for years before getting married) that they don’t expect them.

But then, I’ve never organised or paid for an expensive wedding. Have I been incredibly rude for the last 10 years?

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 10/03/2018 20:49

I don't think it's unreasonable to not buy a gift under those circumstances, especially since I was always raised that it's incredibly rude to make any mention of gifts on any invitation. It should be spread by word of mouth only and never from the people who sent out the invites unless specifically asked.

My husband and I were married in my home country but with the intention that I would be moving to this country after the wedding. We asked a couple of my family members to let anyone who asked know that presents weren't necessary as I wouldn't be able to take them with me anyway. About half the guests gave us cash in cards anyway but I wasn't bothered in the least that others didn't.

BrownTurkey · 10/03/2018 20:49

Seriously, it's fine. People didn't invite you for a gift. Token gift, card or 'covering your plate' if affordable are all fine.

Utrecht · 10/03/2018 20:52

I agree with PP that it's customary to give gifts - even when there's been one of those 'all we really want is your presence' type notes. But I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it and certainly don't start apologising to everybody retrospectively, that would be loopy (and anyway, they may not have noticed, or remembered, so you'd be shooting yourself in the foot to bring it up now).

balljuggla · 10/03/2018 21:01

FFS, if you get married it's because you've chosen to. If you spend money on a wedding, again, your choice. To say it's 'expected' for invited guests to spend money on gifts is beyond rude. Especially via wedding lists, which make me cringe, and don't even start on the asking for cash thing. In practice I'm sure most people will want to buy something, give vouchers etc, but that should be a free choice.
What is it about weddings that turns people into such CFs?!

EnterFunnyNameHere · 10/03/2018 21:31

I would always get a gift, but that's because I like getting people things, love going to weddings and am lucky enough to be able to afford it.

I've never understood the "expense" of attending weddings though. Why does it cost £500?!? Cheap hotel, dress from the wardrobe, petrol money... Rarely over £150 tops!

MandaraSugar · 10/03/2018 21:34

I always aim to cover the approx cost of mine and DH’s (and teenage kids if they’re coming too) places. This is anything from £50-£250 in a Card depending on whether we’re evening guests or if the guests are family or really close friends.

At risk of sounding controversial it varies in cultures I believe. Our Greek friends had, and attend, big family weddings where cash is given without a doubt; DH is Irish and we lived there for first 5 years of our marriage - it’d be unheard of for anyone to give less than €100 to a couple at an Irish wedding. My best pal is Sikh and guests are all extremely generous to the new bride and groom.

I’m British and my family think it’s insane when I say we’re giving £200 in a Card to DH’s niece (wedding this summer). This girl and her partner have been so kind to us and the kids over the years, even when they were only in their early 20s, we can afford it so we’re happy to do it. It’ll be a full sit down meal with wine, entertainment etc - 4 of us @ £50 per head may only just cover our places! I know you don’t get wed for the gifts but at the same time it’s nice to give something to help celebrate a new marriage. Monetary or otherwise.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/03/2018 21:42

Look l wouln't worry about it. Piles of cards come in and they won't even have noticed you gave nothing. After a week or two life goes on and its never talked about again.
But stop spending so much going to a wedding!

altiara · 10/03/2018 21:45

I think it’s fine if someone said no gifts to not buy them anything. If it was me, I’d mean it! Seriously, I got married in my 30’s, we had everything!
And I don’t get the guests should cover your plate thing, as surely you budget for your wedding and invite guests according to what you can afford, you don’t cover to make money back on it.

KarmaStar · 10/03/2018 21:47

I'm sorry but this doesn't ring true imo.
If you're going to weddings you see other guests arriving with gifts and see the gift table set up.
"Not knowing" is not plausible.

Voice0fReason · 10/03/2018 21:53

I spoke to sil about it today and she said the guests are meant to buy a gift to the value of their meal at the reception!
That only applies in a strange fantasy world. If a couple want a wedding with guests and a reception that that is their choice. To invite people with the expectation that the cost of their meal was covered by a gift would be incredibly grabby.
It's the expectation that you must buy a gift that is rude.

Swirlingasong · 10/03/2018 21:54

Are you still friends with the couples? If they were really bothered, you probably wouldn't be. If you are still friends, they are probably not bothered and nor should you be.

Oriunda · 10/03/2018 21:54

DH is Italian and it’s the norm to cover your plate. That means minimum €200 for a couple. We also have to match whatever anyone spent on us. My MIL knows what all the relatives spent on our wedding list, so any time one of them got married we had to consult the list and spend the same. That meant we got totally stuffed when one mad aunt spent €500 off our gift list so we had to reciprocate when her son married.

Thank goodness we’re older now and everyone is safely married. Now it’s just matching baptism gifts ....

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 10/03/2018 21:57

There haven't been gift tables at any of the weddings I've been to, just boxes for cards, but that's because they have all had online gift lists/honeymoon funds.

I would expect to give a gift in any event because the people getting married will have spent a lot of money on each guest, so it seems nice to give something back. I wouldn't worry about it now OP. You clearly didn't mean to be rude as your reaction on this thread shows,
and you can "make up for it" (if you want) by sending a small, token anniversary gift Smile.

sonyaya · 10/03/2018 22:00

If it helps OP, we had a gift list with a proviso that we were grateful for people making the effort to come and hoped no one would feel obliged to buy a gift. We did it because as a guest it makes my life so much easier and we didn’t want to suggest cash.

We meant it though. Not everyone gave us a gift and it’s not remotely a problem, it’s not why we got married or invited people.

Covering your plate is a thing in some cultures but not really in the UK. A wedding gift is more a gesture here I think.

I honestly wouldn’t worry

flowery · 10/03/2018 22:02

Seems very odd that neither you nor your DH were aware that gifts are the done thing at weddings. Did neither of you go to weddings growing up, with your parents buying gifts? Did neither of you notice gift tables at any weddings you’ve attended?

Just seems a bit strange.

CoffeeAndCupcakes85 · 10/03/2018 22:03

Also almost all the weddings I've been to have cost hundreds of pounds to attend. Many have only had hotels nearby which are £80+ per night and because of the huge distances we've needed to stay two nights. Add onto that travel (we have a wedding in a few months where the cheapest return train tickets will cost us £270 in total Sad. It's cheaper to drive, but that would require an additional night in a hotel), then the cost of a present, the cost of a taxi to/from our hotel to the venue etc. The cost very quickly adds up!

sonyaya · 10/03/2018 22:05

It is not standard to spend £500 attending a domestic wedding

Lilonetwo · 10/03/2018 22:06

I didn't/wouldn't expect a gift to the value of the dinner price... That would be really expensive.

But I did expect a little something if not from our list. Just a token photo frame or anything is better than nothing. Maybe a personalised card with some nice words if money was tight.

I was so upset at the family who turned up with no gift or card, drank the free alcohol and £180 a head dinner and boasted about their new dress and professional hair and make up styling for the day.

Lilonetwo · 10/03/2018 22:08

Oh forgot to say, in my example it was a local wedding too.

Original poster
notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 22:27

sonyayo that is a relief to read ... like coffee I have never seen gift tables at a wedding. That is, until a recent one, which was a second wedding and had specified no gifts! (In that case I had bought the bride a gift from the list for her first wedding but it honestly never occurred to me to get her something second time round, as the invitation said no gifts.)

I’m probably rounding up with the £500, but we don’t have a car so train tickets always cost at least £100, another £100 on taxis (from station to hotel, hotel to wedding, wedding to reception, reception to hotel, hotel to station), £150 on hotel or b&b including breakfast (rarely anywhere cheaper without spending the difference on taxi fares), about £50 on rounds at the bar and (more recently I admit) a small fortune in childcare. I don’t begrudge the money at all, and have sometimes had to say no to invitations when money has been tight. I am always pleased to go to a friend’s wedding if I can. I kind of assumed all the effort was the point - to show how much you want to be there.

Thankfully I am still friends with all that people so i clearly still have time to redeem myself ...

OP posts:
TheRebel · 10/03/2018 22:27

It is customary to take a gift to a wedding, however if they’ve specifically said they want your presence and not your presents or whatever the rhyme is they can hardly be upset if you don’t buy a gift!

Unfortunately some people do see a wedding as a gift grab/money making exercise, in which case they probably would have let you know they were expecting a gift by now.

Original poster
notheretoargue · 10/03/2018 22:28

*all these people

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 10/03/2018 22:36

But you wouldn't rock up to a friend's house for dinner without a bottle of wine/flowers/etc, you wouldn't go to a birthday party without a gift do why would a wedding be different?? You were rude, I'm not buying this why didn't someone tell me stuff either, it's manners, basic manners, it doesn't need to be big but a gift is definitely required, nobody can be that unaware. I wouldn't even go to someone's house for tea without bringing biscuits or something

Skarossinkplunger · 10/03/2018 22:50

Really? You have to be spectacularly ignorant to not realise that hosting a wedding costs money. Was the venue free? How much do you think it costs to feed 50 people? I don’t see how you could have gone to weddings and not thought about this.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 10/03/2018 22:51

I put in my wedding invites that people should not bring gifts. I really really didn't want gifts.

We lived out of a car for the four months after our wedding. Gifts would have been a total PITA.