Not to buy wedding gifts

[notheretoargue]

Dh and I eloped. No presents. We were very young, not even aware of most wedding traditions: we just wanted to get married.

Most of my friends are married now. They had wonderful weddings, very traditional, we have always enjoyed them. But they also cost an arm and a leg - approximately £500 per wedding if you factor in travel & accommodation, more if I buy a new outfit. And that’s not even including the hen do.

So ... if the wedding invitation says ‘no need for gifts but if you like you can give us cash/ John Lewis vouchers/ buy something from our gift list’ then I don’t buy a gift. If there’s just a gift list then I do. For very good friends I have sometimes also bought them something I think they’ll like, which is more personal.

Aibu not buying a gift? I spoke to sil about it today and she said the guests are meant to buy a gift to the value of their meal at the reception! I am mortified - I never thought of that. I just genuinely thought if people don’t need gifts (everyone I know has lived together for years before getting married) that they don’t expect them.

But then, I’ve never organised or paid for an expensive wedding. Have I been incredibly rude for the last 10 years?

I do think you’re being rude. It’s a bit like turning up empty handed without wine to a meal a host has spent days preparing

I actually think it's fine if people say not to get a gift. I always would as would feel bad going to a wedding without anything but I don't think you have to.

I have been to a couple recently which have said not to get gifts but if you want to get something to contribute towards certain charities which mean a lot to the couple. I think that's a good way of tackling it if you really don't want anything yourselves.

It’s irrelevent that you eloped, you were young then. Going to weddings is expensive, not as expensive as holding one

Custom is you take a gift

If it says you don’t need to bring one but here’s our wedding list you suck it up and buy something

The only exception is if people specify that they do not want any gifts, as per a couple of my friends, the invite said ‘we have everything we need for our new life together so please do not bring a gift’

It is customary to take a gift or to give some money to the new married couple.
The B&G however are hosting a party and celebration of their marriage and have chosen how much to spend on it. It is not up to the guests to subsidise it. In fact that seems quite perverse because it would mean that those with more money to spend on their wedding whom are likely to be in a better position financially would get more expensive presents/ money than those who were perhaps just starting out and needing help more.
Of course you make a list to send your Thankyou letters but not to work out who has brought what or anything!
If there is mention of a wedding list then I think you are expected to get something( of course it doesn't have to be from the list ) but if the invitation says please do not buy gifts then that is clear and the b&g mean it.
I prefer the style of invitation where no mention of lists/ money is made. There can still be a list if people want a pointer they can contact the B&G or close family.
OP if cost is a factor I am sure the bridal couple want your prescence at their marriage and are not thinking about gifts.
In the case of 'evening only guests ' presents are not expected but many people do bring a gift or token gift as they would in any situation where they were being given food by their hosts.

In the U.K. it's not usually gift to value of meal. I've know people turn down wedding because they couldn't afford a present.
We didn't care about presents just the people turning up, which is how most people feel.
You turned up, had a good time and wished the happy couple all the best. That's all they wanted.

only one person/couple didn't give a gift of some sort. Interesting in both our cases it was the person/couple we perceived as being the wealthiest

Possibly because they themselves would want no gifts and therefore took you at your word?

What a horrific social minefield! Very glad that I don’t go to weddings.
I only attended my own with great reluctance.
It cost a grand total of £13 (for the licence), we had two witnesses and a registrar, and went back to work the next day. No fuss, no dress, no photographer, no cake, no flowers, no reception and definitely no presents!
I’m autistic, and would have run a mile from all that crap.

Instead of a hen doo most people had a 'show of presents' where you set up your presents, invited all your aunties, grannies etc to mooch over your electric carving knives over a ham sandwich and cup of tea (no prosecco in those days!!!)

Are you sure that wasn't a regional, or family thing, as that wasn't my experience? My first wedding was in 1984, and I just didn't have a hen do (too skint). Other weddings I went to had a table set up for the presents at the wedding itself, as that was when they were given, not before.

I've been trying to remember what wedding presents we got, and the only one I remember was a £20 Habitat gift voucher from one of my friends, which I was thrilled with. We used it to get wallpaper for the bedroom and living room in our new flat.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think it is incredibly rude not to bring a present to a wedding.

It doesn't need to be remotely expensive, a photo frame or a bottle of wine would set you back a tenner, and I think the excuse of just being unaware of this is more a case of selective attention, surely you can't have been to all your friends weddings in the past, even ones where they stated in their invites they did not want anything, and not noticed any gifts being brought, a gift card box or any conversations with other guests about gifts!