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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel this is way too intense

88 replies

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 14:59

Have been dating a guy since Jan. He is a fair bit older. Lives alone, grown up family. I have younger dc still at home.
He has always been keen. I have been up and down but generally he seems decent, I find him attractive and he has a lot of good points. Without doubt however he is keener. But then he has totally different circumstances. He is completely free and has more time. I am a busy working single parent and have lots of clubs/interests taking up time.
Despite my saying numerous times I need to take things one date at a time, I feel it keeps moving faster than I want and recently am feeling he is a bit intense.
To try and cut down the length of post I'll just list a few things that I've felt are a bit much.
Wanting to go to bed at same time as me so we can message (says he likes this, fair enough but I feel I can't just go and have an early night, like I'd need to make an excuse!)
He recently travelled for work and on his long journey home he let me know exact times he would be in places that he could talk/message. Sweet but I also feel like I have such a busy life I dont really need this. Message me yes, if I'm free I will respond and if not fine. Same in reverse.
I fell asleep last night and didn't message him. He had said ring his phone before I go to bed and he would stop (travelling) and we could message. This morning i said id fallen asleep when settling my daughter and he was like oh yes i thought you had forgotten to phone. I felt like I was getting told off and it feels like pressure.

I like him but it's all feeling a bit intense. I don't know if I'm maybe just not ready for any commitment or if these things would be red flags to other people too.

Is it me? AIBU? Reading it back it doesn't sound too bad so maybe it's just me being a freak!!!
Wine for those who made it to the end

OP posts:

Mintylemons · 10/03/2018 15:02

Sounds annoying and controlling. It’s bothering you for a reason. Like you said: he messages, you respond when you get a chance.

Pomegranatemolasses · 10/03/2018 15:03

Sounds way too intense to me, I’d be totally put off by this behaviour.

TheQueenOfWands · 10/03/2018 15:03

You have to go to bed at the same time so you can message?

Chuck your phone in the nearest lake. Seriously. WTF is his problem. Sounds like he wants you at his beck and call.

Falconhoof1 · 10/03/2018 15:04

He sounds a bit controlling really. He has more time on his hands so could be just that he's bored and wants something to do I guess. What's he like when you are together?

Thehamsterspajamas · 10/03/2018 15:04

He sounds rather needy and expecting you to adapt your life to fit round his. There’s an expectation that you will message/talk when it most suits him rather than to consider what might suit you. There does sound to be a lot of pressure and that would be a red flag for me too.

Kittykat93 · 10/03/2018 15:05

Far too intense for me! Tell him he either snaps out of it or you'll have to go your separate ways

MammaAgata · 10/03/2018 15:06

Crumbs I couldn’t handle that at all.. I’ve been married 6 years and with my partner 11 years and even if he goes on a weekend away (and vice versa) I wouldn’t be in that much contact.. This would be massive red flags for me. But that’s just a personal opinion

Original poster

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 15:07

Also the other night we were discussing married at first sight. I said I felt the woman was more into the guy than him into her. He said it's a shame when that happens. I said I think in a way it's the case for a lot of relationships. He then asked me over and over who I thought was keener out of us. I avoided it but he asked again and again. Eventually I said probably him because he has more time, more free as no young dc etc. He replied that he felt perhaps with circumstances yes but that he would say our feelings are equal and although he says more my actions speak volumes. I feel I don't say things I don't mean. End of.

OP posts:

beluga425 · 10/03/2018 15:07

It's not just intense, it's controlling and will not change. You just have to decide how much you like him. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster

inmyshoos · 10/03/2018 15:09

To be fair he doesn't expect me To go to bed when he goes but as soon as I go he says he is coming too. Or he asks 'shall we go to bed.
Hen I'm with him he is lovely. Very attentive. But not relaxed

OP posts:

weemouse · 10/03/2018 15:10

Run.For.The.Hills.

Way too serious at this stage, he sounds like a control freak.

Let him down gently and then block his number.

Falconhoof1 · 10/03/2018 15:19

The going to bed thing doesn't seem too unusual, especially as you're in quite a new relationship. A lot of couples do this. But if he gets narky when you don't message him back- that's not on.

Banalarama · 10/03/2018 15:25

I wouldn’t like this. If it makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured then you should listen to your feelings

squoosh · 10/03/2018 15:35

I feel like loosening the top button of my shirt just reading your OP. All a bit smothery.

TheJoyOfSox · 10/03/2018 15:36

I’ve dated guys like this, it starts off charming and it’s endearing that they want to chat. It ends up with them wanting to know where you are, who you’re with, how much have you drunk, is there any other guys there and wow betide you ever say hello to an ex!

It’s very controlling, if he can’t let up when you tell him, then it would be a dealbreaker for me.

rothbury · 10/03/2018 15:37

Interesting how some people think it's normal to want to go to bed at the same time.

I think it's really controlling and odd

I just don't know why any adult would need to have their partner go to bed at the same time as them, especially when you aren't even in the same bloody building. Weird. As. Fuck.

DancesWithOtters · 10/03/2018 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelpTheTigers · 10/03/2018 15:38

That would drive me NUTS.

Snowyhere2018 · 10/03/2018 15:40

I'd find that claustrophobic and needy. Unless he has more redeeming characteristics then that would be it for me.

TacoFlavouredKisses · 10/03/2018 15:40

Whatever his nature (which is unlikely to change) at the very least you don't sound at all compatible. He sounds annoying as hell!

Funnyface1 · 10/03/2018 15:40

He sounds controlling to me. The behaviours that are a bit irritating in the beginning could become positively overwhelming further down the line. Obviously I don't know him but I would just trust your instincts and proceed with care.

ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 10/03/2018 15:41

I don't think he's controlling. I think you are simply at different stages in life. As you've already said he is 'free' you are not. Simply put his time is his own, yours isn't. This is why you're finding him so intense. If you were also 'free' you would probably love the attention and the little connections e.g. let's speak before falling asleep that he's trying to line up on a daily basis.

Piffle11 · 10/03/2018 15:41

@TheJoyOfSox you could be talking about me ... with my last long term BF, started off wildly romantic, oh I must message you/speak to you/think of you last thing at night and first thing in the morning ... years later it was 'why didn't you do xyz? What are you hiding? Who were you with/did you see/talk to/having an affair with?' Seriously OP, tell him to cool down, and if he doesn't - or makes you feel bad for asking - then run a mile. This is how it starts, believe me. Took me 5 years to get away from a controlling, jealous, paranoid lunatic. And he started out telling me how much he loved me and just wanted to be with me all the time ...

halfwitpicker · 10/03/2018 15:42

Sounds a bit much really.

Gide · 10/03/2018 15:43

Bonkers controlling. I would not be comfortable with this constant demands for messages/contact.

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